effing the gang bang

-for those who are not knowing i was born in surrey. many people when hearing the word surrey they cringe because they instantly visualize car thefts, really ugly and cheap hookers and just overall badness. not all surrey is bad but it does have a reputation. it taught me to swear when i was 6. actually i just repeated my parents. my parents i love. they just like to swear. so i developed the love of swearing. but i credit it to surrey. i joke around that i came out of the womb saying "fuck that hurt" but that was because i was born breech (sp?) but that is a whole different story for a different time. this time it is about swearing.

at christmas time retail stores go and hire massive amounts of people for christmas. so crapland has been infected with all these people who are new. i dislike new people... well not all of them just the ones who make themselves way to comfortable on their first day (ie. hey buddy hows it going? where you from what do you also do in spare time wanna go for drinks some time whats your name by the way?) i dislike those people. i do not need new friends, especially ones still in high school unless you are cute then maybe i will plug you from behind while you are grabbing some khakis off the floor but again that is not friendship that is me just taking care of an itch. anywayanyway i like to make the ones i dislike uncomfortable. using words like fuck shit asshole douche bag and the conjunction of the two words 'gang bang' do wonders for peoples level of comfort. my manager pulled a bunch of us aside and said she is putting in place a language policy in the back room because one of the new hires complained that she was uncomfortable.

**
manager: so someone complained that she was uncomfortable about the use of bad language in the back room (keep in mind we are watching the family guy on the tv in the back room while she is saying this...).

me: so fucking what...

manager: so we have put in place a language policy

me: your shitting me

manager: so we can not say things like that

me: whatever just fire the bitch then... i mean your gonna let her go anyway at the end of christmas.

manager: it is because we care about peoples levels of comfort. so no more rap with bad language and no more dvds with inapproriate words and no more swearing.

me: this is bullshit

manager: (looks at me all stern like)

me: well just you wait you will have a fucking mutiny on your hands... (as i walk away)
**

i banged my elbow the other night and uttered SHIT as a manager walked by

me: FUCK I DIDNT MEAN TO SWEAR.. oh shit i did it again... oh gawd damn it i can not stop. (i proceed to laugh)

she just walked away clearing her throat. hah.

for some reason the managers have a certain level of tolerance with me and i can get away with insulting-verbal-murder. i think it is because they know i will call them on stupid shit (meaing i have a back bone in life). but i also think because some of them swear worse then me so they can not scold me for my mouth. i should have been fired long ago but i guess they also see that i am good at what i do but i am just 'inappropriate' at times and turn the blind eye or deaf ear or whatev is the proper term.

i sorta get off in a weird way on being mildly insubordinate...

i am currently on a mission to find the bitch that is all uncomfortable and break her spirit in the most possible way without swearing. i think gestures of fellatio and cunnilingusuguslinggus will do the trick and then just deny everything claiming she is mental mutant with an horrible and slanderous imagination

boxing thank you

-when i was all little and crazy i would be a massive ball of energy several days before christmas. i would sit by the tree and gaze at it all excited like and just unable to sleep until christmas. over the years that excitement has been slowly robbed and stolen away with retail. i normally enjoy retail as most of the year people are all nice like with the exception of the odd asshole or twat who thinks you are 1000 leagues below them. i can deal.

at this time of year though, the majority of you shoppers out there are assholes. inconsiderate pricks. selfish. and out right nasty.

you all seem to forget that people in retail are there to serve you. to help your shopping experience a bit easier. but you all seem to use us as your emotional punching bags because you are pissed off that the mall is so bloody full of shoppers. it aint my problem so lay off.

me: did you want a gift receipt with the sweater?

customer: yes. and NO TAX. and give me a box?!
(i love the deliberate non-use of please and thank you)

me: unfortunately we ran out of boxes for sweaters... all i have are these small ones?

customer: you HAVE to be kidding me!?!?!

me: (raises eyebrow) ma'am i am sure i can find better things to humor you with other than the size of my box...

customer: welll.. I DONT WANT THAT!!! just give me a paper bag then!!!

me: sure thing. by the way merry christmas!
...
see i do not understand.

if you people are that adamant to go shopping even though you are a complete douche bag do us a favor and go drown yourself in some medicated happy pills and then come see me. you will be more entertaining.

i know that will not happen and being in retail i need to just grin and bare it so i will still wish you a merry christmas even though most of you do not even deserve the time of day as i fantasize about stabbing you in the throat with my name tag.

i can not wait until boxing day. i get to work 9am to 6pm.
good times.

again.... merry christmas!

hippawhatdefuck

-i am not sure where the hell i have been for the last many years that apparently this song has been out but i am quite fucking annoyed with that bloody hippo christmas song. i have never heard this song before at least that i do not remember and if i had it did not stick in my memory drawers but this year this song is rampant and driving me nuts. to further my craziness bitch has made it apart of his voicemail. needless to say bitch has not received a voicemail from me in ages due to the fact i hang up after three rings as i can not hear that silly cow scream that she want a hippopotamus for christmas and not rhinocerasususus and on and on.

i would rather hear dominik the italian christmas donkey over and over again... and that song is shit.

pictoral interlude - spilling the cheer

-i am knowing the pictures are like of the same people over and over again but i love those girls something fierce. dey my sistas!

bare foot beauty remix

-bitch and i went to some christmas party on saturday night which was at our friends ameta's place. if you scroll down to the pictoral interlude that is ameta with big red hair. anywayanyway sooo much fun. white girls sucks because when you tell them you want a fierce photograph they can not pull one out for the life of them. a black girl can be pull fierce off even if she's puking. i loved this party. i have not downloaded pictures yet but i will and there will be another pictoral interlude. some highlight:
*drowning in ameta's breasts
*having wine spilt all down my shirt and socks
*bare foot the rest of the night
*passing out
*waking up to find that ameta's three year old took advantage of my sleeping person and gave me a make over with blush, eye shadow and everything. i was the belle of the ball on the skytrain at 7:30am the next morning in my hung over state. that shit is hard to get off.

-i went shopping yesterday and i was in chapters buying stuff and when i was in line i saw on the 'impulsive buyers shelf' (the shelf right by cash that you look at while waiting in line) and i saw a cd called holiday classic remixed. it looked alright and i purchased it. it is an amazing christmas cd. everyone should go buy it. seriously... its all sorta classic songs redone with a bit of jazzyier feel and looped differently and just overall good. if you are tired of hearing the same ol christmas songs you will love it.

pictoral interlude - gathering of the models top

cutest girl i have ever seen...

macadamian perspiration

-stressful times. i had like a miniture breakdown at work. it was sexy. my skin gets all red and scratchy looking when i get all not so nice stressed. i eagerly await this holiday season to be over well at least when people have all flown to their little tropical destinations and leaving me alone and then when they are coming back it will be my turn to go away and bitch and i are going to hawaii. sexy huh.

-last night, and i have no idea why, but i was all sweaty and i am not sure what spurred the sweatyness other than that i was hot from the blankets but anyway i woke up and i was so sweaty i thought bitch or myself pissed the bed. i was lying there at like 3am sniffing. it smelt weird but i think that may have been bitch. he sleeps nude. i personally can not because when i wake up i want to smoke and having to dress myself is just a process i can skip by not sleeping nude.

-when i was eating dinner at my parents i could not help but notice my little brothers arms. HUGE. when he was in high school he got picked on quite bit because kids in the school systems are mean assholes to people who are different but anyway he figured out that if he worked out he would not get picked on. he did not but that was because he was caught holding some kid up by the neck against a locker simply inquiring why the kid was bothering him. at the point people left him alone. anyway he has kept working out as my parents bought him weights and stuff since he actually showed an interest in something (autistic kids show interest in few things but when they do they are incredibly and freakishly knowledgable about that interest). so at dinner i was picking on him...

...fucking kid hauled off and nailed me something fierce.
mind you i did egg him on as his first punch totally missed so i was all COME ON FREAK HIT ME HARDER YOU BITCH and then he did just that.

snowing pricks

-i am at my parents today because my mom wanted dave i mean bitch to come over to have dinner because my mom has done all these renovation type things but i am just here for the free home cooked dinner and we are having meat loaf. i love meat loaf. my little brother was wathcing tv with us as we were discussing something and just randomly asked WHAT IS A PECKER?! my mom and i laughed because we did not know how to answer. it was so funny. so after we finished laughing my mom said ITS YOUR PRICK and he asked what a prick was. autistic kids are fucking hilarious.

-its snowing outside and i love it but i say i hate it but i do not because when it stops i have that little voice that moans OHHHHHHHH.