ray-dee-ayshun nothingness

-so normally when i walk into the office on monday mornings bosslady is all like HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND MISSY?!? and i usually then go into a big long description about some crazy ass event like bitch losing his wallet 3 times in a weekend, encounters with building man rich, or about how knives got waved around in my face but today when i did the walking in hello all i said was I DID NOTHING THIS WEEKEND and she was all shocked that i did not have any story to tell her about and she almost look saddened or unless she has cramps but i do not know.

but honestly i did nothing. i slept friday night away.
saturday i did some working at GAPland and then came home had a beer and fell asleep and then sunday the mother unit came out with a new microwave for bitch and i and it is perfect because we had a real shitty one before that had this broken door ejector and i always would not stand in the kitchen when it was going because i just envisioned radiation pouring out of the hole and the thing would only make half assed bags of popcorn and i would get so upset with the stupid microwave because i know the radiation that leaked out could have helped make a better bag of popcorn but all i was getting was seeds and probably the beginning of tumor but this one allowed all the seeds to pop because it is a beautiful microwave. when she left i drank and fell asleep again. then bitch came home from work and i made some mean deep fried perogies because that is what i do i deep fry anything these days if i could i would deep fry sex but something about sever burns turns me off that idea anywayanyway we got stoned and i fell asleep totally forgetting to iron and shave so i had to wake up early this morning and so my alarm went off at 5:25am and bitch was all YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME and i ignored him and made coffee. i hate ironing in the morning.

lost with a letter 'pee'

-so last night i was all I AM DETERMINED TO FINISH SEASON ONE OF LOST and so when i got home i just started watching it and i was not impressed because it is more fun to watch when you are drinking and then as if the gawds were tuned in i get a phone call from bitch saying he has had a stressful days lets go get beer and i was all WELL I CANT WATCH LOST but i saw more priority in drinking.... i mean with bitch that is so we went to our lil favorite spot on commericial and drank a pitcher and HELLO they were watching LOST on the big screen in the restaurant. so we finished our beer and got a six pack for home and i continued to watch season one and dave went to bed and i stayed up but sleep was totally winning its battle as it always does and then i fell asleep and woke up at 1:00am and my boxers were wet and so was my t-shirt and i thought i had pissed myself and i felt the couch and it was not even wet so i was like WTF I HAVE TALENT I CAN PISS MYSELF BUT NOT GET THE COUCH SOAKED IN URINE and i was sorta proud and then i saw a beer can on the floor and i smelled my shirt and it was just beer i spilled when i fell asleep. i was sorta dissapointed.

-i have decided that lost needs some gay people with hawt slow motion masturbation scenes becuase i know if i were on that island i would so sneak off and totally masturbate with the polar bears while thinking of jug fucking hurleys man breasts! HAH. i jest.

..

you can tell life is all slow when i am still fucking talking about that shit show LOST.

chachacha

lost with a letter 'a'

-everyday i am taking transit and it blows but since i am not having a car well then its better than walking so every morning i am on the same bus and i recognize the same people and i just keep to myself but what i am not understanding are the people who do recognizing of you as well and feel since you take the same bus as them at the same time then for surely you have something in common to talk about but i disagree since lady you chew your gum like a mad cow which is a huge pet peeve, you dress like you are going to a club to pick up some 19 year old boy and all you do is bitch about the bus drivers and how you are thinking they have plotted a conspiracy to not pick you up which the more you talk to me i am starting to believe because you are fucking annoying. when i am having headphones in and i do not take them out when you walk up that means i would rather listen to my music first thing than talk to your bleach blond ass because i am too hung over to even fake socialize and i am only able to nod and smile and say OH YEAH so many times... i just noticed this is sort of turning into a letter to her

sincerly,
J.

-last night i got accidently drunk watching the first season of lost on dvd that my coworker lent me and i sorta love the show but at the same time hate it because they complain about no water but hi if they watched bill nye the science guy they would have had it all figured out but whatev and bitch came home late because he went out for dinner with his supervisor and he comes in and he was like HAVE YOU MET KYLE WHO I WORK WITH and i said no is he gay and he says YAH AND HES TOTALLY LOVES MIA LIKE I DO AND HE IS SO NICE AND COOL and i was all YOU ARE SO GOING TO CHEAT ON ME and he said TOTE WHALES which in our stupid fag talk means 'yes'. as long as he pays rent i am cool.

au blade

-friday night sucked. it sucked bad.
i was staying at home to do laundry and drink rye and at like 9:30pm i remembered i forgot to upgrade someone to a business class flight so i slipped on jeans and sweatshirt and went downtown to do late night last minute office shit. so i do it and leave calling bitch to let him know what i was doing. he convinces me to go out with him and friend anike to au bar which is complete meat market and not the meat i like like genoa salami or filet mignon or penis, but more like a whole lot of pussy not coverd up by ugly short skirts that were so last year. anywayanyway i left because i was like FUCK THIS THIS AINT MY SCENE even though bitch was paying for my beers so note i had about 3 beers in me. i leave and goto the bus stop. i am waiting and then some sketchcase walks up and whispers in my ear GIVE ME YOUR SHIT!@# i turn around and bluntly told him to go fuck him self and that i have no 'shit' to give him to piss off and he proceeds to verbally convince me that i need to hand over my 'shit' which he is referring to my wallet. not being in the best of moods as is i had a low tolerance and i told him blatently once again to suck my cock and to get out of my face which he replied with a head butt to the side of my face. i replied with a fist to his chest which he stumbled back and then said FINE I WILL TAKE IT THIS WAY and then he pulled out a fucking 6inch pocket knife. i told him he was fucked, shoving him again and crossed the street. he followed and so i crossed back and almost got hit by cars and then he just walked away.

i did not think much of it until the next morning and i was like THAT IS SOME STUPID SCARY SHIT.

i still feel safer downtown middle of the night than what i do in surrey in the middle of the day though.

-this 'post secret' makes me want to change careers

drawing shitty koreans

-it is that time where i have nothing to say but i just want to click that orange button that says publish post so when i have nothing to say and i want to press that button i drag up old shit from the past because i am not creative to come up with new shit at this moment. i say shit alot. i just sent an email to someone with admiration type words and i still was able to use the word shit like 3 times. sexy times!@#

* * *

1.27.o3 (korean patient picture)
-so i am doing my talkity typing at the same korean web cafe i goto when i am downtown and when i came in i was going to the computer i normally sit at but when i passed the counter, the korean computer master girl started to doing some waving of her hands and say something but i am thinking because i do not know korean i did not understand her but then korean computer master girl pointed at her computer and showed me that the 'mother' computer was reloading so i assumed i had to do waiting. she did say SIT which was in english not korean so i followed her instructions to sit unless she was trying to say SHIT but i do not think so because she did not seem angry or anything. while waiting for the korean computer master girl to work her kung fu on the mother computer so i could start my internet magik talkity typing, i started to watch some animated movie they have on and it is in korean i think but it is some weird stuff... it had these weird looking panda type creatures running around but the panda creatures had sorta beaver like tales and they started running through this big ol bon fire and when they came out they rammed their heads into the panda-beaver like creature ahead of them and it looked like one big ol rimming chain and then they all morphed into this dragon and then more panda-like creatures started running and jumping into these bubbles where they then did some weird anime morphing of pumpkins or some squash like thing and i said HOLY KOREAN TRIPPYNESS and suddenly my computer came on and i was then all happy like because my brain was hurting watching the weird movie and it was making me want to go out and do some cheap acid and read a timothy leary book. crazy koreans...



-this is a new drawing i just recently finished that i am somewhat proud of. normally i would not be doing postings of my drawings but lately i was on this massive creative block where nothing was flowing through the brain to the hands to draw anything but one day after some form of catalyst i sat down and started to draw and then i actually started to paint again but not so much right now because i am broke and out of white paint. but ya....

* * *

-i look back at that and realize i will always have some problem with wanting to paint but not getting it done. whatev. i also look at that drawing and wonder why my head was so far up my ass in terms of my shadowing and colouring and stuff. wtf. self critisisisisms is the best.

burning deep fried pussy

-i am housesitting and everytime i housesit for skwirl the building is visited by fire trucks but thankfully it is not due to my pyro tendacies. this time i was sitting on the couch watching tv and i went out for smoke and when i go out the people across the way are trying to start their bar-b-q and when they get it lit all of a sudden a huge flame grows and just keeps burning. i sorta watched in a half daze not really caring and then one of them noticed me and was all HEY ANY IDEA WHAT TO DO... and i just shrugged and said turn the gas off and they said they had then i said stand back just in case and then they stopped talking to me which is fine. cut to 25 minutes later the thing is still shooting flames and fire trucks show up. it was funny watching 4 firemen deal with one out of control bar-b-q. they were not even hawt.

-for some reason i am all about deep frying shit well not actual shit but food but a variety of food which for some reason i thought of randomly when i was hung over but i took perogies and boiled them then battered them with egg and rolled them in cracker crumbs with garlic salt and deep fried it and jesus H christ that was good eating... then yesterday i tried the same but with tortellini and that was so good too and then i weighed myself and i have jumped to 143 pounds. last time i weighed myself was when i last house sat in november and i was a mere 125 pounds... i am like american and shit. SUPER SIZE!@#

-the cats though... driving me crazy. they are cute, and i love cats but the one needy cat will pounce on me like at 6:30 in the morning each day... its crazy and sits and purrs and meows in my face and so i think he is hungry and i check the bowl and it is full and the water bowl is full and then i check the cat box thinking maybe he is not liking the fullness of it but it isnt full because i cleaned the other night. he just wants attention at 6:30 in the morning. fucking thing... its too cute to throw across the room so i just lightly pet him which quiets him down and then eventually roll out of bed looking for coffee only to find decaf in the cupboards.

picking the drunken wallet out

-friday night rolled around and i was all like i am needing to go out since bitch was sick and i was feeling alright i decided to go out so i called friend mr. lea who just got a new job being bartender man and i was all like SWEET A NEW PLACE I CAN GET DRUNK AND PASS OUT UNDER THE TABLE OF and he was like for sure. so we went to the cambie and drank. then friends bucci and randy man came but were stuck in the line so we left and went to the bourbon and then we drank more. in the beginning of the night i told friend mr. lea that my new years resolution was to make no resolution and to develop that voice in my head that says SELF I AM THINKING YOU HAVE HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK because i seem to lack that voice and all friend mr. lea would do was put his finger to my lips and go shhhh and pass over the shot of whatever the waitress brought us. from there it is all blurry. i made it home on my own accord i assume by taxi and apparently we hit up two other places of drinking establishments and ya but not in that order or course. good times. i went to work the next morning and i knew i reeked like last nights beer so i ate a bunch of garlic paremsean pretzel balls and everybody said i stunk like garlic.

-bitch apparently went out too. i misssed like 36 phone calls from him. my phone was on silent. oh well. and ya. he went to some club with some friends and while out side some homeless lady ran into him and then ran. she jacked his wallet. can you believe it. i can not. poor shit has had the worst luck with his wallet. my mother unit says she is going to personally sew zippers to every article of clothing of his that has a pocket. anywayanyway he walked all the way home and then got a phone call from his friend and apparently homeless lady wallet picker walked by the club again and a bouncer who saw what happened earlier grabbed her and demanded the wallet back and he got it back and then gave it to bitchs friend to bring back to him. so he has his wallet again with nothing gone. jesus eff'ing christ. that kid has a horse shoe up his ass.

-i am house sitting from friend skwirl because her and her husband went to huatulco. i sent them there. they have two cats and one is a very needy cat who wants attention and is standing right in front of the key board and is getting hair into my beer so i am going to stop but since they have internet you will see more posts from me this week~~!

raindrops of lemon gawds

-on my way to work this morning i saw some business guy riding a unicycle in a rain coat and a briefcase. i was all starting to think i was having a relapse of my drug days gone bad but i started to notice that other people were looking at this weird sight. he had a helmet on so at least he was riding safe in the rain. it was quite surreal for 8:ooam.

-after i got over the 'new-years-3-day-my-head-is-e'ffing-hurting-headache-hangover' i got sick. massive head cold sick where every fluid is pouring out of your face. nose starts running and then the eyes are all like hey that is looking like fun lets leak too so they do and the end result is a trash can full of tissue and people asking why i am crying. when my eyes are all watering and red though they turn this really funky light color blue and people say i have amazing eyes but then i blow my nose and they walk away disgusted. every night i have been double dosing on neo citron and that shit is a gawd send. i love it!@ and it puts me out like i have been drinking 8 beers straight but minus the possibility of me pissing the bed. dreams are a little fuckered but hey it creates an upswing for my levels of creativity come the next painting. i think i may drink it on a normal basis but bitch says then it will stop working so i am not sure. it is good though. 3 days later i only have one nostril slightly plucked and sometimes on my in-breath it makes a weezing sound and i try and create a beat and then i feel like i am going to faint so i stop. bitch now has the cold. HAH.

bitch lost

-nothing really cryptic about my title today. nope. where to begin... bitch lost:

~earlier last week he lost his wallet. troublesome since all his ID and other important little pieces of plastic are in that wallet. including oh did i mention his picture ID that he would need if we were to goto hawaii (we are planning on for either february or may). also not to mention that we were going to a club that night to celebrate a friends birthday but a little hard to do with no ID since club _____ has been known to have 'gang' trouble so they are tight with the whole identification thing. anywayanyway we eventually got in long story but ya.

~not in bitch's wallet (thank gawd) was his birth certificate. he was smart and kept that seperate. he was waiting for his new visa to come in to go get new picture ID because all you need is your birth certificate and a credit card or something and boom. new picture ID. we go to a pub and he brings his birth certificate with him to get in. he really does not need because the people we go with are huge uber regulars so we glide in with no problems. long story short the next morning he has lost his birth certificate, and cell phone (we wont mention he lost it possible dragging my ass out of a cab but ya).

~so he is ID'less completely and no phone. he goes out for dinner with his manager on sunday night and borrows my only umbrella.
next morning i go to grab my umbrella which is no longer in sight. he lost that too the night before and lo and behold it is turrential down pour of rain and i am eff'd. i get to work drowned in my new wool dress pants. hawt.

suddenly the gawds for whatever reason decide to smile on dave. a call from a cabby informs us that he has bitch's phone. he scrolled through the numbers on the phone and called bitchs parents and ya. with the phone... his birth certificate as well. enter massive sigh of relief. i was expecting someone to find it at a scene of a murder or something and ya mind you i would have ended up with the bed by myself which is always nice sometimes.
then within 10 hours he gets a call from translink... they have his wallet!@#! i am personally amazed. only thing taken was his bus pass.

regardless i am going to start stapling shit to him in the worst way.

year of da baycon

-firstly and foremostly happy new year. oh and merry christmas and all those other fucking holidays that everybody apparently needs to recognize at this time of year because the other religions are feeling left out anywayanyway

what a christmas. i will be honest and say i was all looking mad forward to the present situation to a point where bitch and i agreed that we have not felt like that since we were kids. i am thinking it was because my mother unit kept saying encouraging things like I HAVE BOUGHT SO MUCH FOR YOU THAT I NEED TO PUT SOME OF IT IN DAVES NAME and I BOUGHT YOU A 32 INCH TV FOR CHRISTMAS BUT I DID NOT WRAP IT SO I THOUGHT I WOULD TELL YOU NOW so you can see why i was all hyped up. normally christmas at my house is a "tight" or "not expensive" christmas but my parents always rocked at making it a special day regardless especially with the meal. but as i said this year i was all GIMME MY SHIZNIT!@# because my mother and father were in a position where they could financially spoil their children...

so the tv rocks. huge. 12 cup super nice coffee maker blak and stainless steel. hawt. new electric shaver one of them triple head things that actually take the whiskers off the face. loves it. pots and pans including a new hawt square frying pan good for bacon. new nice knife set. sharp. trust me. family guy volume 3 and tattoo gift certs ... thanx skwirl!@#!
so ya it kicked ass.
bicth got me a new cell phone which is sweet because everytime i used my old one i would bitch that it was a piece of shit. but not this new one.... its sexy silver sleek.

on to come... new years.

i am still recovering from a headache that is like 3 days straight its cool though

went to some house party out in the suburbs and it was good but there was like 3 countdowns or some shit and then i fell asleep. woke up at my friends house and went home with bitch. on the way home we bought more beer and spent like 8 bucks on bacon because the grocery store was closed for some stupid reason but whatev so we went back home and continued to drink and when you are hung over to begin with you get trashed at ultra speed so i was hammed by 1:30 yelling 2006 MUTHAFUCKER YEAR OF THE BACON because we cooked that bacon but i do not even remember eating it and i talked to some people but i do not remember and bitch was getting annoyed with me so he kept telling me to shut up and drink my beer or he was going to dump it so i drank it quick and then i fell asleep and that was his plan for me to shut up. he can be a cunning little shit though stupid at times (like losing his wallet on the bus).

i woke up hung over bad the next day and did nothing. bitch went to work and i watched tv all day grabbing at my pounding head. it is still pounding but i think it is trying to rebuild all those memory things i seemed to have lost due to that weekend. good times!!@#!