effing the gang bang

-for those who are not knowing i was born in surrey. many people when hearing the word surrey they cringe because they instantly visualize car thefts, really ugly and cheap hookers and just overall badness. not all surrey is bad but it does have a reputation. it taught me to swear when i was 6. actually i just repeated my parents. my parents i love. they just like to swear. so i developed the love of swearing. but i credit it to surrey. i joke around that i came out of the womb saying "fuck that hurt" but that was because i was born breech (sp?) but that is a whole different story for a different time. this time it is about swearing.

at christmas time retail stores go and hire massive amounts of people for christmas. so crapland has been infected with all these people who are new. i dislike new people... well not all of them just the ones who make themselves way to comfortable on their first day (ie. hey buddy hows it going? where you from what do you also do in spare time wanna go for drinks some time whats your name by the way?) i dislike those people. i do not need new friends, especially ones still in high school unless you are cute then maybe i will plug you from behind while you are grabbing some khakis off the floor but again that is not friendship that is me just taking care of an itch. anywayanyway i like to make the ones i dislike uncomfortable. using words like fuck shit asshole douche bag and the conjunction of the two words 'gang bang' do wonders for peoples level of comfort. my manager pulled a bunch of us aside and said she is putting in place a language policy in the back room because one of the new hires complained that she was uncomfortable.

**
manager: so someone complained that she was uncomfortable about the use of bad language in the back room (keep in mind we are watching the family guy on the tv in the back room while she is saying this...).

me: so fucking what...

manager: so we have put in place a language policy

me: your shitting me

manager: so we can not say things like that

me: whatever just fire the bitch then... i mean your gonna let her go anyway at the end of christmas.

manager: it is because we care about peoples levels of comfort. so no more rap with bad language and no more dvds with inapproriate words and no more swearing.

me: this is bullshit

manager: (looks at me all stern like)

me: well just you wait you will have a fucking mutiny on your hands... (as i walk away)
**

i banged my elbow the other night and uttered SHIT as a manager walked by

me: FUCK I DIDNT MEAN TO SWEAR.. oh shit i did it again... oh gawd damn it i can not stop. (i proceed to laugh)

she just walked away clearing her throat. hah.

for some reason the managers have a certain level of tolerance with me and i can get away with insulting-verbal-murder. i think it is because they know i will call them on stupid shit (meaing i have a back bone in life). but i also think because some of them swear worse then me so they can not scold me for my mouth. i should have been fired long ago but i guess they also see that i am good at what i do but i am just 'inappropriate' at times and turn the blind eye or deaf ear or whatev is the proper term.

i sorta get off in a weird way on being mildly insubordinate...

i am currently on a mission to find the bitch that is all uncomfortable and break her spirit in the most possible way without swearing. i think gestures of fellatio and cunnilingusuguslinggus will do the trick and then just deny everything claiming she is mental mutant with an horrible and slanderous imagination

boxing thank you

-when i was all little and crazy i would be a massive ball of energy several days before christmas. i would sit by the tree and gaze at it all excited like and just unable to sleep until christmas. over the years that excitement has been slowly robbed and stolen away with retail. i normally enjoy retail as most of the year people are all nice like with the exception of the odd asshole or twat who thinks you are 1000 leagues below them. i can deal.

at this time of year though, the majority of you shoppers out there are assholes. inconsiderate pricks. selfish. and out right nasty.

you all seem to forget that people in retail are there to serve you. to help your shopping experience a bit easier. but you all seem to use us as your emotional punching bags because you are pissed off that the mall is so bloody full of shoppers. it aint my problem so lay off.

me: did you want a gift receipt with the sweater?

customer: yes. and NO TAX. and give me a box?!
(i love the deliberate non-use of please and thank you)

me: unfortunately we ran out of boxes for sweaters... all i have are these small ones?

customer: you HAVE to be kidding me!?!?!

me: (raises eyebrow) ma'am i am sure i can find better things to humor you with other than the size of my box...

customer: welll.. I DONT WANT THAT!!! just give me a paper bag then!!!

me: sure thing. by the way merry christmas!
...
see i do not understand.

if you people are that adamant to go shopping even though you are a complete douche bag do us a favor and go drown yourself in some medicated happy pills and then come see me. you will be more entertaining.

i know that will not happen and being in retail i need to just grin and bare it so i will still wish you a merry christmas even though most of you do not even deserve the time of day as i fantasize about stabbing you in the throat with my name tag.

i can not wait until boxing day. i get to work 9am to 6pm.
good times.

again.... merry christmas!

hippawhatdefuck

-i am not sure where the hell i have been for the last many years that apparently this song has been out but i am quite fucking annoyed with that bloody hippo christmas song. i have never heard this song before at least that i do not remember and if i had it did not stick in my memory drawers but this year this song is rampant and driving me nuts. to further my craziness bitch has made it apart of his voicemail. needless to say bitch has not received a voicemail from me in ages due to the fact i hang up after three rings as i can not hear that silly cow scream that she want a hippopotamus for christmas and not rhinocerasususus and on and on.

i would rather hear dominik the italian christmas donkey over and over again... and that song is shit.

pictoral interlude - spilling the cheer

-i am knowing the pictures are like of the same people over and over again but i love those girls something fierce. dey my sistas!

bare foot beauty remix

-bitch and i went to some christmas party on saturday night which was at our friends ameta's place. if you scroll down to the pictoral interlude that is ameta with big red hair. anywayanyway sooo much fun. white girls sucks because when you tell them you want a fierce photograph they can not pull one out for the life of them. a black girl can be pull fierce off even if she's puking. i loved this party. i have not downloaded pictures yet but i will and there will be another pictoral interlude. some highlight:
*drowning in ameta's breasts
*having wine spilt all down my shirt and socks
*bare foot the rest of the night
*passing out
*waking up to find that ameta's three year old took advantage of my sleeping person and gave me a make over with blush, eye shadow and everything. i was the belle of the ball on the skytrain at 7:30am the next morning in my hung over state. that shit is hard to get off.

-i went shopping yesterday and i was in chapters buying stuff and when i was in line i saw on the 'impulsive buyers shelf' (the shelf right by cash that you look at while waiting in line) and i saw a cd called holiday classic remixed. it looked alright and i purchased it. it is an amazing christmas cd. everyone should go buy it. seriously... its all sorta classic songs redone with a bit of jazzyier feel and looped differently and just overall good. if you are tired of hearing the same ol christmas songs you will love it.

pictoral interlude - gathering of the models top

cutest girl i have ever seen...

macadamian perspiration

-stressful times. i had like a miniture breakdown at work. it was sexy. my skin gets all red and scratchy looking when i get all not so nice stressed. i eagerly await this holiday season to be over well at least when people have all flown to their little tropical destinations and leaving me alone and then when they are coming back it will be my turn to go away and bitch and i are going to hawaii. sexy huh.

-last night, and i have no idea why, but i was all sweaty and i am not sure what spurred the sweatyness other than that i was hot from the blankets but anyway i woke up and i was so sweaty i thought bitch or myself pissed the bed. i was lying there at like 3am sniffing. it smelt weird but i think that may have been bitch. he sleeps nude. i personally can not because when i wake up i want to smoke and having to dress myself is just a process i can skip by not sleeping nude.

-when i was eating dinner at my parents i could not help but notice my little brothers arms. HUGE. when he was in high school he got picked on quite bit because kids in the school systems are mean assholes to people who are different but anyway he figured out that if he worked out he would not get picked on. he did not but that was because he was caught holding some kid up by the neck against a locker simply inquiring why the kid was bothering him. at the point people left him alone. anyway he has kept working out as my parents bought him weights and stuff since he actually showed an interest in something (autistic kids show interest in few things but when they do they are incredibly and freakishly knowledgable about that interest). so at dinner i was picking on him...

...fucking kid hauled off and nailed me something fierce.
mind you i did egg him on as his first punch totally missed so i was all COME ON FREAK HIT ME HARDER YOU BITCH and then he did just that.

snowing pricks

-i am at my parents today because my mom wanted dave i mean bitch to come over to have dinner because my mom has done all these renovation type things but i am just here for the free home cooked dinner and we are having meat loaf. i love meat loaf. my little brother was wathcing tv with us as we were discussing something and just randomly asked WHAT IS A PECKER?! my mom and i laughed because we did not know how to answer. it was so funny. so after we finished laughing my mom said ITS YOUR PRICK and he asked what a prick was. autistic kids are fucking hilarious.

-its snowing outside and i love it but i say i hate it but i do not because when it stops i have that little voice that moans OHHHHHHHH.

blip blop

-since bitch has been out of work funds have been low and ya and today i just got paid and after i pay what needs to be paid like bus transfers, cell phones, msp, and rent i have 120 left to my name. depressing.

-i have started painting again. in high school i was a massive art student. at one point i had art12, visual art 2d, visual art 3d, and creative design all in one day. it was fun. i even had the same teacher the whole day. she was the one who introduced me to salvador dali. i heart ms. elliott. my paint skills suck but that is okay since this is the second painting i have done in five years so to me not so bad but whatev. i will post the first one when i take a picture.

i call this 'the emination of animosity'... i dunno. i like making shit up.

urination examination

-buildman richard has no life and i am guesing that is a pre-requisite for being a building manager... OKAY OKAY OKAY DO WE HAVE A JOB FOR YOU>!> NOW YOU CAN SPEND ENDLESS HOURS WATCHING VIDEO SURVELIANCE OF THE SURROUNDING PERRIMETER OF THIS BUILDING... OKAY.. AND YOU WATCH IT. THATS IT> THATS ALL YOU DO?!?!! WHAT DO YOU SAY?!?! and then boring people who like watching tv must be all up on this and take that job. building man richard busted me urinating out by the front door on some saturday at 4:30am. i was drunk. neh. the funny thing was he made me come into his apartment and watch the video. i tried to act serious and remorseful but i chuckled because i was trashed. even trashed though i still checked myself out in the lobby mirror. i was cute. drunk yes but always vain. in actuallity i have no ill wish against bulding man rich because i should not be urinating at the front of my building at 4:30am especially when my bathroom is an elevator ride away but whatev. i learned my lesson.

urinate on the side of the building.

that and i need to purchase a dictionary. phsh.

day 32

dear diary... (aka err skwirl)

i love your place. it looks so nice and comfortable. i am sitting here typing to you while listening to sex and the city in the background. your area of living is interesting. ahh lynn valley.

at 11:00pm i had a craving for genoa salami. you know me and my salami... but at least i weened my self from parmasean salami because that shit does not get me laid because it smells nasty. anyway so i went to your local grocery store and the deli man was old and grumpy. i guess he does not like slicing meat at 11:00pm. i slice meat anytime i can. anyway i asked for 200g of genoa and he groaned or grumbled i am not too sure because he was not facing me. he made a quick slice and held it out to me. in surrey that means HERE HAVE IT so i went to grab for it. i am guessing in lynn valley it is meaning something different because as i reached for it he yanked it away and grumbled or groaned and did this big ol huge ol sigh and handed it back. i ate it quickly saying MMMM and he proceeded to slice me meat. he was weird and a gawd damn grumpy ass... i am sorry i am not accustomed to grocery store ways here.

i like the air here too. it smells fresh. it puts me in shock. i lit a smoke to balance my internal universe. i coughed but it was because i swallowed a bug.

i went to cross the street when i was coming home from the grocery store and i waited at the stop light for it to change the color of stop. it did. the only thing was that cars did not stop well not cars just a station wagon full of teens did not stop. a station wagon sped through the intersection and a red light. i am glad i was too busy fussing with my genoa to step out or else i would have been genoa myself.

other than that i love it here. your cats are cute but apparently they have issues with your computer because everytime i go to type the orange top sits in front of me and meows and then goes to my backpack and paws at it. the dark anti-social one paws at it too but i think he just does it to be cool. hah. bottoms are like that. i should know...

i should go because samantha is fucking that hawt blond guy and my drink is empty.

<3

-skwirlkeeper

ps-your tub is my oasis. i did not use it but i almost slept in it! :)

dusking durational frustration

-some high beings are having a great time with me because ever since the incident on sunday at gwen stefani and getting kicked out for NO REASON i am always waking up with random gwen songs stuck in my head and i have not even heard her music because i am no listening to her cd. i have not heard her on the radio and shit. it is weird. today it was luxurious or whatever it is called. see i am not even that big of a gwen fan but the whole event on sunday just is pissing me off so now each morning i am all ARGHAAHRGHAGH and am ready to kick ass. i am not liking this feeling and i want a resolution from security head man but he is not returning my calls because he is busy but that is okay because i sit by a phone all day long at my desk so i am repeatidingly calling him until i get some answers. i am a good thorn.

-i had a dream last night that i was going to hawaii. i have been working my ass off lately and i am just tired. no wonder i fall asleep everywhere. when i woke up and realized i am not going to hawaii and with some stupid fucking gwen song stuck in my head i wanted to shoot myself in the face. instead i got ready for work.
::sigh::

a joke:

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them.
Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls.
To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy,
"Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

taken from: http://www.ebaumsworld.com/

grabbing beer and sleep

-so gwen was a bust. bitch and i got kicked out. apparently at some point when we were at the concert watching mia 4 people came and spoke with us saying we can not buy more beer and if we did we would get kicked out. that never took place. i never saw these four people before. so when bitch and i went to buy another beer while waiting for gwen we were tackled and dragged outside being informed that we were warned. i explained that they must have had the wrong people because i had never spoke with any security what so ever. they did not listen and kept throwing dave and i around. it was completely unfair and unjust needless to say i am awaiting a call from the head of security because we missed the concert.

what angers me even more that there was this one chickypoo who was all up in my face saying I WAS THERE WHEN THEY LAST SPOKE WITH YOU! they did not seem to grasp the fact that i had not spoke to anyone. we had only been there for like 30 minutes just. i was not trashed after one beer that i could not remember a fucking conversation with 4 security guards. when i spoke with the head of security apparently there was no record of it in the log book. so you mean to tell me you physically throw 2 people out that you have apparently also warned and there is no record of this?!? how.? they screwed up bicthes foot as well and i even tried telling them to ease up on him becasue of his foot but they only seemed to take that as a sign to be even rougher.

the night got better...

on the way home waiting for the bus some homeless bitch came up and started putting her hands in bitchs pocket. bitch was like GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME and she then comes to me and is staring at me and i was all F! OFF!!@# and she just stared and then the bus came and as i was stepping on the bus she reaches and grabs at my wallet and runs. she did not get my wallet but the cow jacked my bus pass!@

it was a great night.

last night i went to the stars concert. it was pretty good. i watched a bit and then fell asleep at the concert. sexy eh? i sleep where ever. i once fell asleep at a janes addiction concert. i was angry about that one.

i always fall asleep...

dun gon bucky don gone

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

client x

-dear client x...

i am unsure what has happened since we last spoke...

i can try and guess several reasons of your complete mood shift:

-you had a sudden inspirational move to the side of becoming a friendly drunk,
-you decided you like men and have seen how utterly attractive i am and realized getting close
to 'tap' this requires respect and friendly talk
-you have dislodged whatever was stuck up your extremely tight anus
or
-that you merely realized you were treating people like complete shitheads for no reason and saw that you were getting no where with such an attitude.

whatever the reason i am implore you to keep it up because dealing with you the last several days has become 200% easier and more enjoyable especially when you crack jokes about stupid you can be... well, it makes my heart smile that there are such internal realizations happening within yourself. i do look forward to booking your flights in the future.

however if you decide to take on the roll of 'absolute dick head' again i implore you to deal with someone else as i will resort back to yelling and screaming outright offensive names in long run on sentences that make no sense... after i hang up with you.

<3
-j

disliking narcissistic nostalgia

-i dislike winter. i dislike being cold. i dislike having to robe up just to go out for a morning smoke. it is an uncomfortable cold. the type where it feels as though my nipples will fall off. i dislike that. i miss the days of summer. waking up and just going out in shorts and smoking. and while smoking tending to the nasty burn i got from the beach. then drinking first thing because it is refreshing not because i am trying to warm myself. i like summer because it is cheaper on the wardrobe aspect. i dislike having to layer. it is hard to look sexy when you have three layers of hoodies on and flannel lined jeans. mind you it could be worse... i could live out east. but regardless i dislike cold... and it has not even snowed yet and i am disliking this already. i need to move to oahu.

-i am going to go see gwen stefani this weekend. i am pretty excited. i am actually more excited to see MIA preform as her opening act but i am sure gwen will put on a good show.

-i have nothing to really say this early this morning so i am just going to roll with the narcissistic theme. this is me and bitch or bitch and i. whatev.

lists without vests

-it is being that time of year that the parental units are requesting my want list for christmas and it always reminds me of when i was little and i would sit in front of the toys r us catalogue and write down all the video games and then stay awake all christmas eve night excited about the video games i was going to get and then wake up to find that 'santa' left me a vest that i would not even doing any wiping of my ass with let alone wear but 'santa' has gotten better and leaves me video games now... sad that it took almost 18 years before that old prick realized that he has a shitty fashion sense.

so i have to write my list but then i always have to weed out the stuff that i think 'santa' would frown upon. 'santa' is a little up tight and conservative in terms of sex toys and lube so i think i will just pass the rejects to housewife bitch(who still has not folded the laundry) and see what he comes up with.

thumping housewives

-so it is day 13 of bitch being stuck inside. he has hobbled out and about but not for long. he surprised me at the grocery store last night. i was looking at wonderbread and he was suddenly there beside me crutch and all.
no wonder his foot is not healing.
i have labeled bitch... bitch is now housewife bitch. but he sucks as housewife bitch. i should re-cast the roll. housewife bitch does not have dinner for me when i get home, housewife bitch does not have a drink pre-made waiting for me when i get home, housewife bitch does not even fold the laundry that i did the night before. I WAS JUST WAITING UNTIL YOU DID ALL THE LAUNDRY AND THEN I WAS GOING TO SORT IT. hmm...
housewife bitch is even gaining a bit of extra handle-age. he says he is losing weight from sitting around but his logic is sounding like that of a non-productive housewife bitch who watches talk shows all day long. i can not say he is entirely non-productive because everyday he is doing moving of furniture but i have him change it back because i dislike constant change.

-i like shared laundry because i meet all these new people well i really do not like shared laundry because i have this weird paranoia that someone will steal my cool t-shirts but on the social aspect i love shared laundry and last night i met the girl who lives below us but i am questionable about her as she said she really likes building man richard and i felt like saying you trying living beside that old grumpy prick but i did not and just nodded. i complemented her on her bar-b-q chicken she was making last night because i was able to smell it when i was outside smoking. she thanked me. i then apologized to her for all the thumping and she stopped what she was doing and looked at me like OH SO THEY ARE CONSCIOUS OF ALL THE FUCKING THUMPING SOUNDS THEY MAKE and she even had her hand on her hip like my mother used to do when she was waiting for me to give her an excuse why i was smoking in her bathroom and i explained that my boyfriend broke his foot and he is not graceful with his cast and trips all over the place and then i liked her face because it was the look of I AM A STUPID COW because i think she was going to get all moody on my ass about the thumping but then felt sorry for bitch and his broken not proper foot issue. she became really sweet and even let me use the cheaper washing machine. she then asked if we are re-modeling the place because besides thumping she always hears stuff dragging around and i said that was bored housewife bitch moving stuff around. hah. i went back upstairs and told housewife bitch to stop moving shit around because the girl downstairs hates us. he believed me so at least i know i will come home to find the couch where it was this morning...

...but i know there still wont be a drink waiting for me. stupid housewife bitch.

furry carnage

-nothing of interest. it is all slow like in the office today so i have been finding myself staring out my window at the building across the way that has a big crane on top because they are extending more floors on the building and the crane machine is lifting huge barrels of cement or something and i am quietly wishing for the thing to drop the barrel from 25 stories up just to watch the carnage manifest below and give me something to entertain myself with...
so past stuff is about the best you will get.

12.30.o1
-i do not have much to say because i am not so talkity typey right now and my tend-on-eye-tis is hurting at my wrists again so what i will do is just put up a picture that many people have seen from me in the past but i still like the picture from the past because it is one of those GREAT photos that you find lying around somewhere that you are unsure of its mysterious origin. but this picture does not have mysterious origins like superman or something because these were actually my dads cats, but apparently they did not like eachother... i am thinking having no tail would make a cat a pretty angry jaded cat because then you can not always land on your feet when you fall from balconys or stuff and having other cats always walk around flipping their tails at you as you stare in jealousy at how they can stealthy use their tail to drop hair sheddings into the owners morning coffee. yes i am thinking that would be some serious issue material to walk around with being a cat which would lead to jump attacks on cats with tails...

quote

"I always take care to distinguish between maniacs and crazy people. A maniac will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo. A crazy person will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo, but he'll be wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time."
-George Carlin

i love this shit...