jumping past the face

-so i officially hate facebook well not hate and i feel bad for saying hate to something that has occupied my time non stop ever since i joined the stupid site even in mexico i was like to the business centre its time to check facebook but in the same breath that is why i fucking hate facebook. sorry facebook i did not mean it...

-on saturday night it was the jh 10 year reunion for 97 but i graduated in 98 but i am good friends with some of the 97 alum and went and had so much ridiculous drunken lets-reconnect type fun. i saw people who i have not seen in like 9-10 years and then there were their other halves that i met and they loved me and then the guys would stand back and be like how does jared do it and i would just yell IM HARMLESS and they would be like yaya i know i know and i thought that was funny. i ended up getting booted out of the place because this one guy who was trashed was talking with me and stumbled and grabbed my shoulder which made me fall back and then the bouncer men thought i was all drunk and stumbly. i did not care so much but the fact that i had just bought a 9.50 double gin and tonic choked me.








(NO i am not sleeping i was actually just posing as per sharis request...)

-um last night tanya was over and we had like a scary movie night and we watched touristas and pulse and well lets just say i fell alseep in pulse but i kept getting awoken by tanya freaking out and punching herself in the face and shit and i just was like what the fuck is she doing but touristas... um when we rented it i was like OH I AM GLAD WE DIDNT WATCH THIS BEFORE MEXICO thinking ya it would be so scary and make me paranoid of going somewhere tropical but um ya not so much because the movie is fucking lame because the things the people do in the movie are retarded. oh the bus crashed and fell off the hill lets go find a bar at the beach (okokok i know i WOULD do that) and oh lets just stay here screw the other bus coming to pick us up. oh and lets follow this one guy he wants to take us to a house in the jungle to be safe even though we just got robbed of everything. like hello i would be heading straight to the consulate but then again i wouldnt be in that situation. i found it hard to watch because the choices being made were fucking gay and unrealistic. hah thats my review.

mexican wet tshirt concerts

-can i even to begin to explain how much fun bitch and i had in mexico? no. can i even begin to tell you how much watered down dos equis i drank? no. can i even begin to tell you how many times bicth and i closed down the club with the help of our new found russian misstresseseses luba and paulina? no. mexico was effing amazing and more than what i can even explain. i could go on and on and on but the thought of typing everything out just plain out exhausts my fingers and plus i know it would take more than 20 minutes and hereos is almost on so i know for sure i will not be typing that much. i will show a few pictures tho....

as we were greeted by god of porn oh i mean corn

the first morning i had no smokes... it was not pretty


we ate at the snack bar all the time... i mean like all the time and poured our own beer because the staff was a little on the fucking lazy side but that is okay i know how to poor beer with no head and they did not and i showed them good.

i thought this was a towel penis but bitch was like no no its an erect penis then we realized it was actually an elephant. or one of those guys who has a penis that totally veers to one side... still not sure.




to be continued...

hasta looo-ay-go

-so bitch and i are off today. i am not even fully packed but that is alright.
i know all my key spanish phrases from spanish in high school.... lets see



~puedo ir al bano por favor... (oh wait that was just so we could get out of class....)

umm

~beuons dias/noches
~por favor
~gracias
~cerveza
~dos cerveza y una cerveza para bitch
~hasta manana/luego/la vista
and the most important...
~BUEN CULO

i am set.

now i am just praying tanya does not burn our place down. when she left last night after giving her the keys she left and left the keys behind. that made me nervous....

ps.when looking for images of mexico to post to be like SUCKERS i found the picture of the mother of my future child based soley on her visual parenting skills...

reconnecting the mayan face

-so i have held off on joining facebook because everybody was like ONCE YOU JOIN YOU WILL HAVE YOUR WHOLE HIGHSCHOOL PLUS TALKING TO YOU and in all honesty that made me all weary of well everything because i only really speak to two people from school because after i graduated i thought most of everybody were actual assholes but then i finally gave in and joined and within like 1 day i had reconnected with almost everybody i was friends with except the odd few who are still in new west smoking crack which i have no interest in meeting but anywayanyway the stupid facebook has essentially engrossed my life within the last 4 or 5 days and i love it. mind you the whole thing has ruined any surprise about any reunion because now i know who is fat, married, have children, gay or not gay when i thought they were gay etc etc etc. thanks facebook.


-so see that jacket well it was bitches and he got it back from someone and then on friday night i tried it on and i was like fuck i look good and i want this so anyway we went to a club by our place and i got tired like usual and i fell asleep and guess who got picked up and kicked out and i am fine with that because obviously i fell asleep for a reason (drunk) but anyway bitch forgot to get the jacket and it is gone and i am sad because i liked it. speaking of like...

i like this photo of bitch and i. no those are not my glasses. they are tanya's or someones i dont know i just tried them on and i like how they made my vision like i was drunk when i was not.

-so we are one day away from mexico. i am excited. that is all. i hate packing. i always over pack. i guess thats the fag in me but also i like to make sure i am prepared just in case a freak global warming winter snow storm hits but i am tossing caution to the wind and bringing only shorts and i pair of jeans since the average temp. is like 3000 degrees hot.

working the tan song

-have you ever been so like OH MY FUCKING GAWD I AM ABOUT TO FREAK OUT angry slash frustrated that you really do not freak out but just well up with tears because there is nothing else to do. that was me today. i have no problems with admitting this whatsoever i do have an issue that it happened at work but i had no choice it was either that or throw a chair out the window and just jump but um then i would not be going to mexico. it is amazing how the thought of your future trip to the mayan riviera one week away totally squashes any thoughts of going worker postal. i am better now. but at the time i was not feeling hot. and when i am like that i am like a person with tourettes and just fucking swear randomly and offensively and rudely but whatever i usually apologize afterwards and since it happened with tears in my eyes they usually forgive me. anyway today sucked.

it is almost like working law that if you are about to go away on some amazing vacation and you totally have been dreaming about it since your last vacation and you are just fucking counting the days down then one day a huge rock of a problem will fall on your head...NO NO EVEN WORSE AND MORE PAINFUL...YOUR TESTICLES. that is how it is. and then when you do finally go away pending whether or not your significant other loses their wallet again but when you do go away it is this sugh SIGH and you never want to go back but then you realize you have no choice and so you do go back and when you get there you develop a i dont give a shit attitude i just came back from 31 degree ... seriously that is how it has been every time before vacation for me. clockwork.

-next week i have a tough tan ragime to follow. mon-wed-fri and then saturday we are gone. i will be non-pale and that is exciting. me me me.

-so once i watched an episode of american idol and i saw that girl jordin sparks sing and i was like she should win after seeing all the fucking twits on it with her except the big black chick lakeeeeesha hah i love her oh and melinda doolittle because her name rocks but anywayanyway i saw jordin sing I Who Have Nothing and it made me go NICE and so i dug up some vintage Shirley Bassey and been watching this because i think it is great. but all sad like over and over and over again.

identify the dumpster fags

-bitch and i went to granville island so he can take some photography and anyway as we were walking i found this bin behind a wood crafty type store and they were having a garbage full of perfect wood to paint it was like a bin that said FREE POOR ARTIST CANVAS so i jumped in. bitch caught this on camera. i do not know but something makes me look good in that shot. maybe i am destined to dumpster dive. anyway all not really important i just needed to cater to my self absorbedness and justify posting a picture of me.

-so i got bitchs new id in via courier today. i do not want to even give it to him until we are boarding the plane.... if he loses it again before we even leave i will break up with him. this i promise.

-on the weekend we went out to some gay places and when i say gay i am not meaning OH THEY SUCKED THEY WERE SO BORING IT WAS GAY i mean like gay places and they sucked. we got kicked out for some reason something about the bartender being a fag but ya anyway when i was getting kicked out i saw some guy i used to party with and i was all OH HEY and he was the one kicking me out. asshole. i hate going to gay clubs/bars and shit. they are all homos.

-i played with tango on the weekend well not played but brought her out and placed her on a towel and the 'playing' consisted of me making sure tango did not run off the towel. then she was totally running in my hands it was cute in the oh she hates me and is trying to escape type way. i want her to get used to me so when she is bigger and huge and whatnot she will not rip my face off.

inspiring identification smoke

-i thought about this and thought how i would not post it because i do not want to embarass bitch but since this event has totally pre-occupied my brain and his brain space with worry and stress i have to mention the fact that bitch lost his wallet AGAIN and AGAIN right before holidays and this has caused a major problem as he has no ID and um hi you need id to board the plane to mexico and people are all like why have you not gotten a passport and um have YOU TRIED LATELY i am not having the time to stand in fucking line at what 4am to then be told oh sorry we can not get to you today. anyway so we are crossing our fingers that victoria will notice the rush and get it out to bitch soonsoon. i hope. i do not want to goto mexico by myself thank you. needless to say bitch will be getting a wallet with a chain whether he fucking likes it or not.

-my boss' sister found out i smoked and one of her friends had given her tons of mild seven japanese cigarettes and um i love them so she gave me two cartons of them. hello 400 free little cigarettes. i love the packaging though because it says (and i quote) "the superbly balanced mild seven blend offers an inspiring moment of satisfaction". how can you not want to smoke these. AN INSPIRING MOMENT OF SATISFACTION... they make it sound better than sex. i wonder if you still get those moments where you are smoking with a tumor in your lungs. i typed in mild seven in google to see if i can find a picture of the packaging to show you to prove i am not lying about the well worded engrish and i found this picture and i am guessing this guy is having an inspiring moment of satisfaction...

that is what i look like after my first mildseven in the morning it is morning moments of inspiring satisfaction explosions everywhere.

-so on the verge of sounding like a freak, elizabeth is moving to vancouver at some point and i'm super excited because i do not know her in person type know but i know her from on line and i know she likes cute homos (check), she can drink (check), she is funny (check), and she has a lil jack russell named mitzie (check), she has always wanted an austin mini like me (check), oh and her boyfriend is shaggy cute so when we are drunk we will awkwardly oogle him (check) ... to me she is the making of a new BFF. i should just send out a mass mail to everyone and tell them i no longer have a need for friends. i wonder if she would want to come to mexico on a days notice...

tango bane sugar cane

-i as going through the files in my old geocities account because i did blawging back in the day but anyway i was going through old picture files and i came across these.....




and ya i realized i was this weird emo genius and i want to find that book but i do not know where it is and that makes me sad because i know if i recreate what i thought of back when i would be rich and it is as simple as that.

-i officially started tanning today and oh mygawd i forgot how much i love that shit being roasted by blueish lights roasting your skin and after i am addicted to the smell of the skin because it is all cooked. when i went in tho and i said i wanted to tan the lady asked how long and i said i do not know but it is my first time this year and she says YOURE WHITE all like what the fuck style and i joked and said really and ya i tanned. she's like iranian or something i-do-not-need-to-tan nationality and her skin is perfect.

-here's a picture of tango. she's a fucking bitch.

it's a weird picture of her and yes i just typed her because i am like sure tango is a chick which means she is totally going to fucking lay eggs everywhere...

keeping away the sun madness

-so it is finalized like forsure for sure. we are going. may o5. done. we are going here...

its name is bahia principe akumal. it is fun to say.
and i think it looks nice. touristy and nice.
and i am sucker for intricate pools...

AND, as apart of my job, we HAVE to fly in club (business) class at least one way. i hate life.

dying in an african red bush

-so i have basically decided that i am slowly dying because my body aches like I DO NOT WANT TO MOVE type ache and it sucks. i am just sitting here drinking tea and watching dog because it is the only some what reasonable back ground noise and i need to go get smokes but the thought of walking is not sexy right now like yesterday i felt the same way but a bit worse and i at one point was like well maybe if this is apart of a weird hangover maybe a beer will help so i walked to the beer and wine and when i got there i totally was all sweaty and gross because my body decided to go through this flash of grossnes and at the same point my bank card comes back saying cancelled so now i am pissed so i call the bank and apparently some one tried making a copy of my card like DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME there is never any money in my account so all you fucking people are doing are inconveniencinging me over and over. what ev so i walked back home and i think because i was so angry i started to feel better so i did some magic money moving between cards and went and got beer. then this morning i totally felt fine and then as the day has gone on i am feeling decrepid and old. so essentially ask me what i have done in the last three days... nothing. its cool though.

-in other vanity filled news i will begin tanning this week especially if i am leaving for mexico in 3 weeks or so. that was just a reason to mention that i am going to mexico again.
chachacha

-now that i am drinking tons of african red bush tea and i am going to post a picture of it because it is delicious tea and i have no idea if it is good for you but i am drinking it thinking it will

but anyway since i have had 3 cups and am now wanting caesars because there are these commercials on right now that are all "ONCE YOU SEE A CAESAR YOU WANT A CAESAR" and they must have done tons of research because they are right. i want a caesar.

q-tipping jesus from the riviera

-we have not had qtips in like a week or so and it has been hell and when i came home today i saw that bitch bought some i dropped everything and stood in the bathroom q-tipping my ears for like 2 minutes. when you have not had a qtip in your ear for like a week and then suddenly there are some it is like having sex for the first time but with your ear and no lube. i had a cigarette after too.

-out of boredom and well... boredom i have started this painting and it will have to do more with jesus and homos but its tote cool because i will only be reciting from the bible and it sounds total like gay literature and its from chapter samuel or whatever you fucking call it.. i think catholics will not like it but it is not meant to be offensive just thought provoking.. um ya! and its jesus themed for easter.

i found the picture of haaay-zoos on the ground and thought it would be good to incorporate for a painting when i was slightly intoxicated.


these are some others i am working on... they are going to be a part of 'the series'

-have i mentioned that i am going to mexico in like a month. well at this point it is 95% sure. that is exciting. i need a vacation. mayan riviera here i come.

-today is my friday. i am glad.

fungal completion with a side of sleep

-yesterday i was on the skytrain and as i was sitting there i saw some chickypoo get onto the skytrain and she looked normal. some dude then walked on two stops later and sat down and was listening to his ipod and was totally all air head banging to himself and chickypoo then pulls out her ipod, pops out dudes ear phones and sticks her ear phones into his ear. um fucking gross. excuse me yes i may stick things in my mouth that others may not true true but i will not stick a strangers ear phone in my ear. hello ear fungus. i do not know if there is such a thing but it sounds gross enough that i would not like that so i will never stick strangers ear phones in my ear. i would have kicked the bitch in the throat if she did that to me.

-it was one of my first weekends off sans gap and it was nice. i completed 2 paintings. you have seen them but now they are done. i will always photograph completed paintings on my kitchen floor because i love the checkerededness of it.



i have an excellent idea for a series of paintings which everyone says YOU SHOULD DO A SERIES which i will but i will not tell the idea just yet. but i am excited.

-the other night i got all tired while bitch and tanya and amanda were doing stuff so i did my normal, let sleep win its fight and fell asleep on the carpet. i apparently do not trust people because i sleep with my eyes open. they said they thought i looked like demon but they were all fucked up and must have been if a sleeping me was a source of their entertainment.

touching the mario paint

-so i have the ds and i am totally bored with my games that i have so i took in some old games to trade in and i ended up getting this game to kill time with

and its sad to say because well i can be sad like this i love this game. it is like lemmings and i did not link what lemmings is because if you do not know well then you just do not know what living is. anywayanyway it is like lemmings but obviously a bit more simplified because it is mario but regardless it is cute and fun. holyshit is it fun. it made me want to get a ds for bitch because i went to bed last night with the fucking ds in my hand and bitch and i played level for level but then bitch got tired of it when he died once and realized he is not super marvelous at games as he thinks he is. so i continued to play then bitch started to snore which pissed me off so i went out to the main room. i only stopped because i had gone through about 40% of the game already and it was day 1 so i did not want to ruin it just yet so i went to bed but this morning when it was time for the coffee to clear out the bowels in that magical way it does in the morning i had ds in hand manuevering little mini marios all around. oh and the game has pauline back in it and if you do not remember who pauline is she is the fucking bitch that mario started his whole i-will-risk-my-life-trying-to-rescue back in the day with the old school nes when mario just climbed ladders and jumped barrels. good for mario though because princess peach looks like a prudish cow where pauline is total class A whore all over her who totally takes it anal style. ... um oh yeah this is just a game. nevermind.

-amber 'i-lurk-but-want-your-painting', you may email me () and i will of course sell you a painting. i will even do a custom one. i am not sure where you got the idea that i do not like to sell because the whole point is to sell them. ya. but tote email me. okay?...okay.

irish skwirl drink

-happy st. pattys day. im have irish in me blood so i have to celebrate. im on my 2nd beer.

-last night bitch and i went to skwirls place to be all like hey new apartment and she bought the booze and we drannk and then bitch left early he was super tired and then i stayed and then i woke up on my couch. no idea how i got home but bitch was like you just appeared. that would be excellent if when i drank i suddenly had the power to just randomly teleport. oh my gawd. life would be drinking and transporting and transporting. i would ask to star on heroes. anyway i do not think i was an ass at the end of the night i just do not remember and i really do not struggle to remember anyway i had fun thanks skwirl







-today was my last day at thegap so no more. i spent 200 before handing over my discount card. mainly for the office. suckas. i am so glad to be done. me time will be more and paint time and friend time and drink time and game time and just more time. done.

caesar cracker kilts

-on saturday night i made pretty caesars (i always wonder if i spell that right but i never care enough to check) and drank them and got pretty much to the pass-out-drunk-on-the-floor-with-glass-in-hand level and so this morning i had to clean that pretty drink off my carpet which was very surprisingly easy with some of this arm and hammer laundry super powder or something and poof its gone it was great to discover this morning because i was not feeling life and the thought of kneeling and scrubbing all i can give into the carpet to remove the drink from the carpet that i happened to drop on was not so appealing. the drinks were good though.
um and do not mind the fact that that is how our coffee table always looks with shit all over it and wrappers and more wrappers and stuff. but the whole point was that my drink looked pretty.

-you know how the in elevators there are those screens some times and they rattle off random things like news headlines and stock gyberish and weather and crap all about the outside world while you are crammed into a tiny little elevator with people who are all dressed the same while i was in one of those elevators the other day and i saw some random fact that some cracker that oprah ate on television caused a 50% increase in that crackers sales the following day. i know that is not surprising but just another fact that oprah is essentially god and will rule us and give us free stuff once she owns the world because when you own the world you can give whatever you want to give because you own the world. viva la oprah.

-im watching deal or no deal and there is this guy who is a bodybuilder who makes bagpipes and just asked howie to touch his "20 inch arm"..... um. dood... first off you are a freak as is being so big so the need to wear a kilt should be minimal. i dunno something about this guys irritates me. he looks jewish. is he even scottish? and he totally sucked on the show... like ouch change the channel sucked!! i need to get out more.

reasons to love bitch

1)he is brilliant yet funny.
-so sometimes bitch and i act like total fags and become all melodramatic for no reason like if i come into the apartment after work and i do not kiss him hello right away he pretends our relationship is in a complete downward spiral to despair and anguish and so last night we got into bed and i noticed there was quite a gap between us and here was our conversation:

me: [sigh] you are so far away from me bitch... it is like we are drifting apart... i do not even know you anymore

bitch: ya we are drifting away from eachother like ... like two doves in the pond...

me: ........

bitch: .....

me: ... um what are the doves doing in the pond?

bitch: ... uh swimming?

me: ... do you mean swans?

bitch: ya whatever sorry.

me: ... hey no worries its not my fault youre an idiot and i am posting this tomorrow.

2)he has incredible fashion sense



how could you not love that....?

crowded cooks of worldy progression

ps-that is tanyas concotion of peppers and onions....???? she ate it not me.





its got very crowded in my poor little kitchen. i was ready to freak out at one point but then it was funny becasue tanya totally beat me to the punch.

-the painting is coming along...



-this has been the first time in like ever that i have been able to sleep in on both days of the weekend and it totally feels like a long weekend but it is not it is because i am not used to having two days off in a row since normally i work at crapland but this saturday i have off and so is the same for next saturday and then after that i do not work there anymore and that is exciting.
i know i have already talked about this but i like the fact that i will no longer be working there. i am tired of that place.

-see this person here:


that is kyla. i met her while working at the folk fest. she was my labeled first folkfest friend because i do lame things like that and label people but anywayanyway we bonded funny enough because she was a nosey bitch and asked what i was reading while eating my lunch and i said john irving and she suggested i read tom robbins if i like irving so i did and then i now like robbins too thanks to kyla. hah i just remembered when i went to her place and we got drunk on martinis that tasted like apples. i am pretty sure that happened... anyway i was walking with everybody on commercial yesterday to get groceries for dinner and i am walking and i see this face of recognition and it clicks who it is and i am like omg how are you (in all honesty i couldnt remember her name because alcohol effects the remembering cells in the brain i think...) but i clued in midway through the conversation and um ya HI she had a baby strapped to her. she has a lil boy 3 month old named max who has the biggest brownest eyes and is adorable. she lives near commercial too so that is exciting. we will go for coffee.