drinking facebook up

-on friday i went out with lauren and shaun and they are people from high school from like 10 years ago that i have not seen and thanks to facebook we decided to meet up and go have drinks and it was fun and so weird but really fun seeing them and totally hit it off so much that i felt so comfortable to drink like it was a race and then fell asleep. but when i was awake we had fun. then i felt bad the next day so i treated them to breakfast and i realized my sunglasses were missing from the night before and i was like NOOOOO and i asked lauren if she had them and she said no so i said can we check the pub and they werent there and i was really fucking sad because i had bought those sunglasses in mexico and they are totally fake burberry but i loved them and then i checked the middle console of her car and they were there and i was like THIEF!!!!!!!!!! and she laughed.









when i woke up the next morning and saw this i was like whos and whats is that?!?!


update: i figured i should post this picture because it is obviously the moment when lauren was all like i will take his sunglasses and he wont even know it and urged me on to KEEP DRINKING... there is ALWAYS a method to the madness...



-work sucks this week. that is all i have to say about that.

random saying drawers

-so i was thinking about when i broke up with my last girlfriend that i had back in like the day i think i was about 21 and anyway when we were about to break up she called me and was like WE NEED TO TALK and the way the conversation was going it was very aloof like and not pin point on what the problem was and i really did not see it coming but she was saying things like I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO and ITS NOT FAIR TO BOTH OF US and anywayanyway i started thinking OMG SHE IS TELLING ME SHE IS PREGNANT and so i started saying things like WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ... WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO and she then said she was coming over to my place to talk in person and i was thinking HOW AM I GOING TO TELL MY PARENTS because when my dad was young he had a girl like 17 young and he always said do not follow in my foot steps so i was all freaking out and when she came over we started talking and i was so concerned and then she said something like so i think we need to stop dating and i was like WHAT ABOUT THE... ARE YOU PREGNANT? and she looked at me and was like NOOOO and i said oh what is this all about then and she said that she thought we should stop going out and that was all and i laughed and i was like PHEW THATS IT?!?! and like laughed more with relief and ya. it was a funny awkward but anywayanyway i thought about all this today and i thought WHAT IF she was pregnant and that would mean i would have a little 6 year old running around. sorta cute when i think about it but i know if she did have my baby i would have been thrust back into the closet a little harder and then live this life of straight couple suburban bullshit and then after 40 years of marriage get busted with a male prostitute and shamed. the end.

-bitch and i were talking and bitch has some classic lines that he says and you shake your head or you laugh and we were talking about vaginas or something and i mentioned something like ALOT OF GUYS DONT EVEN KNOW WHERE THE CLIT IS and bitches response was I KNOW ITS LIKE WHAT DRAWER IS IT IN?? hahah. i laughed. i laughed so hard i had to write it down and i found the paper this morning that is why i bring this up. when we were with n and elizabeth we were talking about tanya and how she was in accounting and then bitch piped up YA SHE IS LIKE SMART SHE KNOWS ALLL THE NUMBERS. we all laughed then too. i should create a book.

-tonight i am going into surrey to go drinking with people from highschool (THANKS FACEBOOK) and it will be fun i know it and i already warned my parents that i am coming into surrey to go drinking with people from highschool and that i am bring a set of house keys so dont be surprised if i pop up at like 3am all trashed and my mom said "that is good thanks for telling me i will be sure to leave the top lock on". bitch. she wont though. she knows better.

undecided photo weather water

-todays weather is really gay in terms like it is raining and then stops and then is sunny and then stops and then rains some more and then stops and then is sunny and then stops and then is really windy and chip bags fall off the people upstairs patio and lands below ours and i know they are gonna think it is from us and then it rains again and then stops and then the sun comes out again to have it only rain again.

-so friday night turned out to be quite fucking fun and i can not wait for 1/2 alive to post the pictrues cause after the beers and red bull (not together) i was hunting down camera lady and being all like THAT IS RIGHT and dancing and dancing and this one chick was funny and she said nice foot work all like RIGHT ON MAN and i was in line to pee and i was like thanks are you in line and she walked away. hahahah. i laughed. then went outside to pee instead.

-we did a massive photo clean up off the computer and its amazing how much better it works out and we found these pictures on bitch's camera that we had forgot to download from last weekend or something i dunno they are all starting to look the same

tanya was trying to quit smoking and this was like day three and she was a fucking bitch.

this is frank. or we call him boots because he has white paws and i know the obvious name would be socks but we liked boots better.
edit: on second look that is actually not boots but some other fucking stray cat that we befriended along the way. we will be the crazy cat people once we are allowed cats in our apartment.

i dislike physical activity

-we just rearranged our ghetto bedroom and now i am excited about going to bed tonight. maybe i will get a good sleep because last night i got a real shitty sleep and i kept waking up and getting a glass of water because i was thristy all crazy like and then i drank so much water i think within a 3 hour time frame i felt all sloshy on my insides and it was so uncomfortable and i started to remember something i heard about water poisoning and stayed awake for almost 45 minutes thinking about it and then i fell asleep. the end.

homeless paitence loss

-this morning i almost freaked the fuck out on some homeless guy in bitch's starbucks store i was standing in the line and there was this crack head just wandering around and then i hear this lady go hey and i look down and dude is stuffing unground beans in his jacket and i bent low and was like HEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYY right in his fucking ear and i made more commotion than what he did but that is okay and he stood up to run and i grabbed at his jacket and then i realized what the hell am i going to do and so i let go and let the crackhead take his 3 bags of unground coffee. i aint going to punch some homeless fag who may be carrying gawd knows what but still i was irritated all to hell. bitch got me a coffee so i was cool after but i walked the rest of the way to work looking for the freak mainly to ask what the hell HE was going to do with 3 bags of UNGROUND coffee beans. eat it?

-bitch and i are supposed to go to some event but we fell asleep because tanya came over with some buddy and she was trashed like super trashed and then at one point i was like WE ALL NEED NAP TIME because she was loud and then i fell asleep and woke up to elizabeth calling me and now we are trying to decide whether we should go. tanya left so we dont know. probably since we just cracked a red bull and gin and because i have the most gin in the world right now.

-i called some cab company because we are going and they are playing old english fucking orchestra music and it is not going with my raverap.

-oh and ps. i found something that talks about benson and the last person on earth thing to prove im not a fucking crazy ass about the last man on earth....

burnt pizza sky

-have you ever been so crazy convinced that armageddon was upon us... i do all the time especially when the sky looks like this and it reminds me of the episode of benson where the world ends but benson and gretchen were in the basement of the mansion so they didnt die and they are the only two people left but through the window of the basement the outside was the same color as the sky in that picture and then benson and gretchen learned to get along it was a cute episode but obviously a dream sequence. i wonder how many people actually know what i am talking about.

-i have today off because i can and it is nice and i get to remind myself what daytime tv is and how bad it licks balls.

-so the result of the beach was burn. surprise. but just on my front because i was a fucking retard and didnt put sunscreen there oh but i put it on my shoulders so on monday it sorta looked like i had shoulder pads on or something gay. itll fade in like 3 days anyway.

-bitch and i have found this pizza place right by our apartment and it has 18 inch jumbo pizzas for cheap and it is actually very good pizza and everytime i order i order a pepperoni and ask for the pepperoni cooked on top of the cheese and everytime they go BUT IT WILL BURN and i am like YO I LIKE IT CRISPY and then they say BUT IT... and then i am like ITS COOL I LIKE IT LIKE THAT and they think i am weird surely i am not the only person out there that likes their meat crispy. fucking lunatics. anyway. i think we are going onto almost like 3 days straight of the same stuff and we eat almost all of it in one sitting and then we lay on the couch like fucking whales cause you know this is the best way to a summer body. we may even have it again tonight.

bienvenidos beach smoke

-today is the first fucking weekend where the sunshine has actually decided to stay for the weekend rather than just be present during the week while i swelter in my office slaving over the computer non-stop with my eyes feeling like they are about to burst and die but then i get to go home and get a slight touch of sun as i sit on my patio drinking a beer but i have been jonesing a full day of sun and sand since i have been back from that place i wont mention again but ya so today actually looks like it will be the winning day. i am looking forward to it.

-i finally got to meet up with elizabeth and she is dawl. and mitzie too. i have yet to meet n but something about him dying. welcome to vancouver. bitch even gave her our mark out for free coffee so if that isnt love i do not know what it is. i have yet to get them out and get them trashed all cambie style! hah.

-tanya has quit smoking. we hung out with her last night and it is day three and chickypoo is a fucking freaky bitch without nicotine. the slightest thing was setting her off and at one point i got up and without thinking said I AM GOING FOR A SSMMMMSMSSSSNNNAPPLE!@#! and she glared at me and called me an asshole i touched her boob or something i dont remember. but she said the best thing when i made grilled cheese sandwiches she goes FOOD TASTES DIFFERENT and then bitch says THATS BECAUSE YOU QUIT SMOKING and tanya replies NO NO I LIKE CIGARETTE FOOD. i laughed at her. that was classic.

desisting spanish 1/2 alive

-bitch says everybody is tired of hearing about fucking mexico so piss on you.

-last friday i was all i am not going out i can not go out and i will not go out then tanya and amanda came out even amanda and she has been the super lets not come out anymore but on friday she did so that was nice and they started to get ready here for some event they were heading to near our place and they brought beer and so of course i annexed some and then i wanted to go out and it was a fucking blast actually AND i did not get kicked out.and yes you will notice the glasses are now a staple to friday pre-going out drink photos












(posing once again. seriously)

-um if you have seen bitchs facebook then you seen those already and speaking of fucking facebook i cancelled my myspace account. facebook is the new myspace by 20billion hits people. work it out. world domination is coming are you on the right side...?

pictoral interlude - briefly mexican

-the funny thing about mexico is that i know a tiny bit (pequito) of spanish and so when i thought i was all fucking cool and using my spanish and then they would rattle off the answer or retort in spanish i would always be UMM ENGLISH POR FAVOR. i am such a loser.


bitch doing some mayan research a la choose your own adventure. i did some of my own research with the same book but i decided to climb the temple and i got transported to another world. the end.





the fucking snack bar of death and the only reason i call it that was because bitch and i were always there eating hot dogs and it was disgusting but i also liked that we could free pour our own drinks well you werent supposed to but they never really noticed you so i was like fuck this ill do it myself and then i got drunk.

jumping past the face

-so i officially hate facebook well not hate and i feel bad for saying hate to something that has occupied my time non stop ever since i joined the stupid site even in mexico i was like to the business centre its time to check facebook but in the same breath that is why i fucking hate facebook. sorry facebook i did not mean it...

-on saturday night it was the jh 10 year reunion for 97 but i graduated in 98 but i am good friends with some of the 97 alum and went and had so much ridiculous drunken lets-reconnect type fun. i saw people who i have not seen in like 9-10 years and then there were their other halves that i met and they loved me and then the guys would stand back and be like how does jared do it and i would just yell IM HARMLESS and they would be like yaya i know i know and i thought that was funny. i ended up getting booted out of the place because this one guy who was trashed was talking with me and stumbled and grabbed my shoulder which made me fall back and then the bouncer men thought i was all drunk and stumbly. i did not care so much but the fact that i had just bought a 9.50 double gin and tonic choked me.








(NO i am not sleeping i was actually just posing as per sharis request...)

-um last night tanya was over and we had like a scary movie night and we watched touristas and pulse and well lets just say i fell alseep in pulse but i kept getting awoken by tanya freaking out and punching herself in the face and shit and i just was like what the fuck is she doing but touristas... um when we rented it i was like OH I AM GLAD WE DIDNT WATCH THIS BEFORE MEXICO thinking ya it would be so scary and make me paranoid of going somewhere tropical but um ya not so much because the movie is fucking lame because the things the people do in the movie are retarded. oh the bus crashed and fell off the hill lets go find a bar at the beach (okokok i know i WOULD do that) and oh lets just stay here screw the other bus coming to pick us up. oh and lets follow this one guy he wants to take us to a house in the jungle to be safe even though we just got robbed of everything. like hello i would be heading straight to the consulate but then again i wouldnt be in that situation. i found it hard to watch because the choices being made were fucking gay and unrealistic. hah thats my review.

mexican wet tshirt concerts

-can i even to begin to explain how much fun bitch and i had in mexico? no. can i even begin to tell you how much watered down dos equis i drank? no. can i even begin to tell you how many times bicth and i closed down the club with the help of our new found russian misstresseseses luba and paulina? no. mexico was effing amazing and more than what i can even explain. i could go on and on and on but the thought of typing everything out just plain out exhausts my fingers and plus i know it would take more than 20 minutes and hereos is almost on so i know for sure i will not be typing that much. i will show a few pictures tho....

as we were greeted by god of porn oh i mean corn

the first morning i had no smokes... it was not pretty


we ate at the snack bar all the time... i mean like all the time and poured our own beer because the staff was a little on the fucking lazy side but that is okay i know how to poor beer with no head and they did not and i showed them good.

i thought this was a towel penis but bitch was like no no its an erect penis then we realized it was actually an elephant. or one of those guys who has a penis that totally veers to one side... still not sure.




to be continued...

hasta looo-ay-go

-so bitch and i are off today. i am not even fully packed but that is alright.
i know all my key spanish phrases from spanish in high school.... lets see



~puedo ir al bano por favor... (oh wait that was just so we could get out of class....)

umm

~beuons dias/noches
~por favor
~gracias
~cerveza
~dos cerveza y una cerveza para bitch
~hasta manana/luego/la vista
and the most important...
~BUEN CULO

i am set.

now i am just praying tanya does not burn our place down. when she left last night after giving her the keys she left and left the keys behind. that made me nervous....

ps.when looking for images of mexico to post to be like SUCKERS i found the picture of the mother of my future child based soley on her visual parenting skills...

reconnecting the mayan face

-so i have held off on joining facebook because everybody was like ONCE YOU JOIN YOU WILL HAVE YOUR WHOLE HIGHSCHOOL PLUS TALKING TO YOU and in all honesty that made me all weary of well everything because i only really speak to two people from school because after i graduated i thought most of everybody were actual assholes but then i finally gave in and joined and within like 1 day i had reconnected with almost everybody i was friends with except the odd few who are still in new west smoking crack which i have no interest in meeting but anywayanyway the stupid facebook has essentially engrossed my life within the last 4 or 5 days and i love it. mind you the whole thing has ruined any surprise about any reunion because now i know who is fat, married, have children, gay or not gay when i thought they were gay etc etc etc. thanks facebook.


-so see that jacket well it was bitches and he got it back from someone and then on friday night i tried it on and i was like fuck i look good and i want this so anyway we went to a club by our place and i got tired like usual and i fell asleep and guess who got picked up and kicked out and i am fine with that because obviously i fell asleep for a reason (drunk) but anyway bitch forgot to get the jacket and it is gone and i am sad because i liked it. speaking of like...

i like this photo of bitch and i. no those are not my glasses. they are tanya's or someones i dont know i just tried them on and i like how they made my vision like i was drunk when i was not.

-so we are one day away from mexico. i am excited. that is all. i hate packing. i always over pack. i guess thats the fag in me but also i like to make sure i am prepared just in case a freak global warming winter snow storm hits but i am tossing caution to the wind and bringing only shorts and i pair of jeans since the average temp. is like 3000 degrees hot.