quiet limes awake

-on friday night bitch and i were like lets stay at home and have a quiet night in and then bitch called tanya and was all come over so she did and we got vodka and we had no mix so we drank vodka and water and lime juice and if you pour enough lime juice in it is amazing in actuality for reals and it was fun


if you knew us you would realize how this picture is a perfect representation of how we interact. true story. and sorta sad.

huh?



and this is proof after several drinks that i lose all standards... HAH chopstix


i love quiet nights at home.

-saturday was sharis parents 30th anniversary and that was a little rough getting up but it worked eventually and went into surrey and we totally rocked it out and made tons of food and peopole came and ate and we all drank and the end. it was awesome and shari bought the fucking cadillac of bbq's for them it was so nice. and made some mean skewers. i gave them a matching new bbq cooking set to go with. they were happy. i was so pooped by the end of it that i slept on the floor.


-we have bought an espresso machine for our office and now in the mornings before i do anything i am in need of a quad. latte. it is amazing. and then i talk fast and like run around the office getting stuff done i have not in a while.

probiotic monkey juice

take a bow frances street

-i have eaten like 4 things of probiotic yogurt and i feel healthy or at least that is what i have led myself to believe that the yogurt and the live bacteria is working magic in my colon or whatever it is supposed to do i am not sure but the packaging totally tells me it is good for me so i am like super man now mind you i had 2 martinis last night and then a beer when i got home and when i woke up this morning i felt incredibly hung over so now i think the probiotic yogurt actually destroyed my alcohol tolerance away while it did its cleaning inside my body and or whatever it does and i am not happy because do you know how long it took me to build that puppy up and all the weird places i have fallen asleep but anyway back to square one here we go or maybe i was just having a bad day yesterdsay. ya i sorta was. we all were werent we.

-i go through phases of creativity i do yes i do and i am not saying it is good creativity but it is like the monkeys are fed speed and i am on overdrive and i want to create stuff and the monkeys have been eating again apparently and i have been like what the fuck but anyway bitch has been sewing these little things

and then one day i was like i am going to make one to0 just watch and i will make it of you and your fucking hair

and there you have it that is bitch if he were sewn goods with hair and all and i tell him that i liked his hair when it was short and his response was I HAVE A PLAN JARED I HAVE A PLAN and then swipes it behind his ears all bitch style and i mentioned this to elizabeth last night and she laughed because if you know bitch you can hear him say it.

and then i wanted to paint something so i started

and this is so circa grade 11 and i think i know where i want to take it so hold your breath people. i am showing all this because you fucking wait i will be famous because oprah told me so well not me directly but she said to all the housewives watching her show and i was watching tv because it was a holdiay in canada on monday and ya she said if you think really hard or some bullshit like that it will manifest and i will manifest fame.

inking my restless'ness

-i brought a bunch of work home tonight to do and i totally had the shittiest sleep last night and i feel so unmotivated to do it so i guess i have essentially said fuck it but here i am typing but not work related and i am also watching LA Ink because i totally have a huge gay boner for kat like serious boner full of adoration and absolute awe and i do not know why well i do a bit because she is a total amazing artist but if i ever met her i would be a fucking mess and it would not even be funny. i would bring tons of alcohol and at least make her drink with me. good for her for getting her own shop/show.

whoa her friend pixie has a split tongue. i bet she gives great head. i am a fan.

-so back to my 'shittiest sleep ever' comment last night i went to bed and i have this thing where my legs totally start to be like fuck you we are not sleeping and the only i can describe it is they get this weird charge feeling in them and the only way to get rid of it is to like totally spasm and kick my legs out and needless to say it irritates bitch mind you he tries to be nice about it and asks if he can do anything but i know there is nothing to be done either get really drunk and not notice or for some reason if i goto the couch they sorta calm down i do not know why and ya so they did that last night and i went to the couch and fell asleep after an hour or so and then woke up and could not get back to sleep properly and then i went through my OMG I AM SO THIRSTY thing again and then i tried to sleep and then i had to get up because i had the most thwompy feeling in my bowels and i had to take care of it and it was pure fire and that sucked and then i had to start to get ready for work. gun please.

i saw a commercial the other day for RLS restless leg syndrome medication i was all like ARE YOU SERIOUS i am not alone and the commercial made me laugh though because the side effects were funny and then the announcer goes "also tell your doctor if you experience new or increased gambling, sexual, or other intense urges ..."
hah my legs feel great lets go play poker and drink and have orgies. sounds fun to me. wow i did a google on rls and i am so interested now and i do not feel like a freak. i guess i have a condition other than being a drunk and my social narcolepsy. i know my dad has the leg thing too because i talked to him once and he was like YA i have that and mom hates it so i thought he just gave me some fucked up gene or something but i dunno... whoa ya i am now so distracted by rls.

body lake-itch

-it was pride weekend and everybody was all like ARE YOU GOING TO THE PARADE. i just said no because i did not want to go on my yearly tangent on that so ya no i did not go. sorry fags.

-instead i went to cultus lake with shari and dale and bitch though bitch was like sick and whiny most of the time but that is nothing new (HA). and that was fun. and we went swimming at one point and i jumped off the dock and my foot totally slipped out from under me and it was classic and i wish i was one of the people who saw it and laughed because i tried to laugh when it happend but all i got was a mouth full of water. and then i did thoughts like OMG I COULD HAVE TOTALLY HIT MY HEAD AND DIED and then we saw cops on the beach and we were like SHIT because we had a cooler full of beer and stuff and so we tried to swim back and i almost drowned because i was exhausted and i learned the doggy paddle is not the most effective swimming technique. anywayanyway we tried to swim to the beach fast so bitch did not get busted with all this beer that was not his and then we heard tons of sirens and then the cops went running and we were like HUH and then learned this morning some guy died at cultus yesterday. i am glad i went and saw my parents after because i know i would have had thousands of message from my mom wondering if it was me because parents do that you know.


i also learned yesterday that i have lost any if all healthy shape i had once. thanks beer. you stole my pecs and waistline. whos sticking to water and vodka from now on?



bitch there is no point i just came out of a cold ass lake... nice try tho.




then shari need a fag and a boyfriend to help her change. we're there for ya sista!@!

-this is my latest painting but i am not super happy with it because you can see i have nerves of steel meaning i can not paint a straight line if my life depended on it. it is not complete. i think i will add more to make it more pretentious. it was inspired by queen because i kept listening to body language by queen after seeing that awesome dance routine on so you think you can dance.

weekend absorbtion

-last night bitch and tanya and i went and walked commercial because we were sick of sitting inside because that is all we do when we are hungover and so we walked and got exhausted and ended up at zestys or zawas what ever you want to call it we call it zestys still because we dislike change. anyway we sat and drank and felt 110% better and then they allowed us to watch big brother on the big screen and we so got sam and ben hooked on it they are our favorites there and as you can see sam laughs when i talk. they think i am funny. so we drank and they said they would love to drink with us. fun eh?. essentially we ended up closing the place down. we even photographed them cleaning and i know we so irritated them but bitch was proving that he is a power house with the camera and when i say powerhouse i mean fucking in your face. he will post the pictures because he told me i can not post the good ones. he is a selfish freak that way. whatever. the highlight was watching tanya chug 2 cosmopolitans in like .02 secs with a straw
"that thing was so good it made my ears warm..." ~tanya


the walk home was tedious

-on saturday after friday night i was bored while tanya and amanda were here watching movies and oh my gawd we watched amistad and that was the worst fucking hung over movie to watch because you walk away crying out of guilt for being white but then i just pretended i was matthew mcconaughys relative and he was the hero. so then we watch beyond borders holy shit worst fucking hungover movie part 2 cause that one i just felt horrible for spending 40 dollars the night before on beer when everyone is dying of starvation and shit. so anyway i totally lost interest out of the guilt i was feeling and found all this make up in my bathroom from amanda and tanyas and bitches photoshoot the night before and decided to make myself pretty

i stopped because i realized i do not have the eyebrows to be pretty. look at those beasts. bitch came home and did the :| face you know where the neck strains and becomes all cords and stuff. like nicole ritchie type neck. he did that. he said that meant he thought i looked hot but he only said that because i was offended but i was only offended because i was still ridden with guilt from those horrible fucking movies. do not get me wrong they were good movies but just not when i am hungover. mental note stored.

pictoral interlude - blawg people

-last night vancouver people and other people from not here sorta met up and it was because we blog. it was fun to put faces and real names to people you know only as their fake names in computer land. so i went with elizabeth and nick and we drank. and i met corinna and adam, and terra, and robyn, and chad, and pat, and tony but i really did not speak or engage in conversation with some of them because i was getting wasted and all i wanted to do was smoke and i did with robyn so that was nice. and elizabeth made me laugh alot she is fun. corinna is funny too and within like 5 minutes of sitting down we talked about jug fucks and i was like DID I CROSS A LINE and she said no so that was good we are friends.
















so after awhile the three of us realized we were drunk like really drunk and we just left and felt rude but you know when you hit that point where it is like if i am in public one more second i will die or in my case fall asleep thats how it was. so we left and i hopped on to the skytrain and fell asleep surprise and i was woken up by some skytrain cop who thought i was a retard because i asked THERE IS A GATE HOW DO I GET OUT he was all like THE ELLLAAAAVVVVVAATTTTOOORRR and i said he was fucking rude and left. like dude i am drunk not retarded. jesus. so ya when i got to street level i got into a cab and he was like I WANT A 40 DOLLAR DEPOSIT and i said i dont have it on me i need to get it from my boyfriend in vancouver he wouldnt take me so i had to call my dad and he picked me up so that was nice and someone took my smokes on the skytrain while i was sleeping so that made me angry but then again they could have taken my camera and shit so i am happy all they took were my smokes but i really needed one but my dad also brought me smokes because i told him my story good dad. then i woke up this morning really hung over. the end.

ps-keep checking bitch's blog because him amanda and tanya did this fun photo shoot that i wish i was in them and i would totally post one of the pictures but i know bitch would rip my balls off if i did that so i wont but they are fun and i wish i was in them and i know i just said that but that is because i really wish i was in them because they would be good facebook material. but he is not home so it wont be until tonight so stay in suspense.

impulse

-you know when you hear an album and you get excited. i got excited. thank you tegan and sara. your both hot in my-gay-love-totally-adore-type-way. kisses.

lost and delayed pictoral bruises

-yesterday i call doctor lady to be like SO WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME and ya they said NO ABNORMALITIES and i said WHAT NOW CAUSE I HURT STILL and she said come in for a follow up but i said no because she is not my family doctor he works out in surrey so i finally said i will go see him because he actually explains things so i did that yesterday and he bitched the clinic out for the results and that was fun to watch and he is 99% that it is damage to my ribs but the reason it did not show in the xray was because it is lower down where there is a ton of cartilage and that will not show and there is damage to the rib/cartilage blah blah blah doctor talk. i am glad he does not think it is my liver or kidney stone. the end.

-here are some pictures from the july long weekend that i just have not posted but that is the weekend my ribs got not okay because i fell asleep and they were like WATCH THIS ::HIT:: HE DOESNT EVEN FLINCH. i bet my insides flinched though they just could not see. ANYWAY done talking about that

they were playing a drinking game and you can tell by my crazy drunken laugh in the back ground that i did not need no fucking game to get drunk. suckers.

that is sharon. she fucking rules. she is from trinidad and she has the accent and everything and she is wise. i thought she hated acoustic music it was actually just her not wanting to get hit with the geetar.

joe and peters dog. i would hide too.

anyway after whistler which there are a lot of pictures but i feel lazy and it feels sorta redundant and ya. but after we went to shannon falls and sharon the girl from trinidad has never seen it so it was fun to show her and be all touristy with her



this picture was fun because we asked some guy to take the picture of the 4 of us and he was all like SO WHAT DO YOU WANT EXACTLY IN THE PICTURE and sharon turns around and looks at the waterfall and says UM THAT but with a trinidadianeese accent it was more snobby and funny.

-i thought i lost my fake burberry sunglasses i bought in mexico for 6 bucks for the second time but i just received word they were found under my friend seat in her car. my day can end now happily.

open letter to reality tv and elizabeth

dear....

elizabeth: i enjoy when you have finished pulling the weeds that you decide to call and leave a message on my phone commenting on my blawg post from the other day. it made me smile... please do it more often..OH and are you and N open to spontaneous visits? i also like how you listed bitch's blawg as JAREDS BITCH... please do not change that. bitch and i had a nice talk about you and N and we decided we NEED to hang out more often. we can do jumping jacks and N can show bitch photography tricks. write back. or call me.

victoria beckham: regardless of what the critics said you made me laugh because you are MAJOR... and FABULOUS. my favorite moment was this: (skip to 4:17 and watch...)

when you decided to get the ladies drunk i loved that. i would have done the same thing. FABULOUS.

cntm: i consider this seasons the first cycle because compared to last cycle you totally blew me away (especially since last years winner left the industry because she didnt think she belonged in modeling um ya...) with all your photo shoots and your run way show at the end had me clapping and all giddy like a little fucking fag and i love the french couture feel too it... yes i said fag and couture. congrats to rebecca.

so you think you can dance: i watched you last night after cntm and i happened to see this performance:

i do not know if it was the queen song or if it is because i have a boner for pasha but that was one of my most favoritest routines i have seen on the show even though the judges were like neh. i want to do the same routine next time i go out dancing. i think elizabeth will be a prime partner ya? i mean hello suspenders!!!!
ps. congrats to mia for her emmy nod.

big brother: i got caught up on all the episodes i missed and even though everyone hates jenn she makes me laugh. i was waiting for a close up of her camel toe in that red thing but no go i guess for cbs huh? its okay. i will still watch especially since that ANNOYING homo joe got kicked out. i did not like him and then when you showed the guy he slept with err not guy but dumbo that made him and dustin break up i laughed. thank you.

i am done now. tell next week lovers....

xox
jared

painful memories of the ds blawg

-first and foremost i would be a horrible boyfriend well not really but i thought i would at least mention that bitch has a new blog...
http://davesgotthegun.blogspot.com/
there you go bitch!@#$!

-so i went for my ct scan today and not that i was expecting some news of what is wrong with me but ya no news just the lay-down-and-YOU-WILL-HEAR-SOME-GUY-SAY-BREATHE-THREE-TIMES-
LISTEN-TO-HIM-AND-DONT-COUGH and then the things makes all these noises and i totally thought i was going to get transported to a land of magical drunken fairies but instead the lady just told me to leave after it was done. see i am still in pain so i think i am going to bother my doctor again to see if she can push for the results and now i am done talking about this because i am not going to make my blawg journal of all my problems. well it is sometimes but i dislike medical stuff and i do not want to talk about it. oh except for when i sneeze i can not hold it in like i normally do because well it fucking hurts but i realized that i actually enjoy releasing the sneeze. it feels good. especially when i do not cover my mouth.

-bitch and i went to see transformers. i liked it simply for the nostalgic purpose. when i was hearing things like bumblebee and starscream and bonecrusher i was wanting to freak out and when the main character broke out the line MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE only half the theater was like OHHHH because hello line from the old school theme song but i realized i was sitting with a bunch of people who had not even seen the original which is a shame. anywayanyway i wish they totally had soundwave because he was my favorite only because i remember the toy and he had his little tape figures that totally transformed and i am feeling nerdy now but ya.

but before we had cake at elizabeth and N's because they fucking rock and the cake was so good.

-on the weekend i also had lauren come visit and she is like me but not me and i got her hooked on ds and we sat outside smoking and drinking and not talking to eachother but ds chatting and now she wants one. sucker.

birthday stones eyeing the gays

-happy birthday BITCH!!@#!@!#@$# i bought him a nintendo DS because i am the best and also now we can talk via ds pictochat instead of actually talking which is fun. i gave it to him last night so we could pictochat and we did but then i ended up giving it to him...

-(note i wrote this two days ago I just have not posted it yet...)
on saturday when i woke up i had this weird pain in my side and it sucked but was not that bad and i just assumed i slept with my elbow jabbing into me because if you saw me sleep you would know i sleep like a retard contortionist and then anyway it has been there sorta since then however this morning when i got to work i pressed on that area and was like I NEED TO SEE A DOCTOR because it hurt more today for some reason and i know i did not sleep on it weird because i burnt my stomach yesterday at the beach so i know i slept on my back the whole night so ya i went to doctor lady and it was sort of a funny experience. she did her pressing and asking DOES THIS HURT etc and asked if it hurt when i ate greasy food and i laughed and said NO ONLY PLEASURE and then she took my blood pressure and said it was high and asked if i was anxious and i said yes i dislike doctors and she said OH WHITE COAT SYNDROM um okay and then i also said well i got into a bit of a disagreement with my partner and she said THEY NORMALLY CAUSE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE. anyway still do not know what my problem is because she did not either and she made me pee in a cup and i said well I DONT NEED TO GO and she said WELL TRY TO SQUEEZE SOME DRIPS OUT and i laughed and so i went and i squeezed and i swear i filled the cup and kept going and going and it must have been one of the longest pisses i have ever took. funny what you can do under pressure. anyway so now i have to go for blood tests and CT scans of my stomach. she said one of the most dreaded words... kidney stone. um ladies that is like giving birth through your nostril but instead of your nostril it is my penis. i am hoping it isnt.
update: i just had my CT scan scheduled for tuesday. well see what happens.after a couple days of thought i am hoping and thinking it is not a kidney stone i am too young to be having that shit but whatever and plus there was no blood in my sample and she said that is not common except 10% of people who do have kidney stones and plus i think i would be feeling it more than what i do now like PAIN but it is still just the soreness on my side.

-i got to watch big brother on sunday night and i am so calling the fags on hooking up by the end of the summer. they were oogling each other as they were trying to still be bitter ex boyfriend type fags. i know that look.

brotherly leering for the beach

-i found out i missed big brother last night. now i sorta lost interest in following it and then i stop and remember the GONORRHEA and i chuckle and i am tempted to check the tvguide channel thing on channel 2 and then have you noticed they change the format of that channel depending on the hour of the day like during primetime they let it take the whole screen that way it does not take almost 10 minutes to do a full cycle but then they change it back to the stupid format so they can continue showing really bad adds for hair loss and accident lawyers and oh back to big brother i wanted to watch the episode on the internet and when i did it started off with all these commercials and then after maybe about 5 of them and they were so boring it was like YOU CAN NOT WATCH THIS FROM YOUR AREA ONLY IN THE UNITED STATES. oh so i am not good enough to watch big brother because i am in canada but i am good enough to watch your fucking commercials. i was angry but got over it.

-speaking of tolerance (shrug) i have lately seeming to be noticing alot of OLD CREEPY MEN say standing at a bus stop then they do this thing where some young pretty girl walks by and they do the whole LEEEEERRRR at like total 180 with the head as they are walking by and it is so noticeable and super fucking gross and i want to get a tazer gun and zap them randomly when i see them do it i mean it is okay to check people out but when you are raping them with your eyes and you are like their father its fucking sick and bothers me and nono do not get me wrong i will do that too but i do it to men and i look good and am not 60 so it is a tote different story.

-i bought toilet paper a 24 roll and it was 2ply and it was ONLY 3.98 and i can not believe how excited i was and so i came home and made it my status on facebook and i can not believe the response i got and alot of peope questioned the validity of my story or by degrading it by saying WELL WAS IT ONLY 1 PLY umm no it was 2 ply muthafucka and i know they are just jealous so i am cool with it. i was alone and it was a limit of 1 per customer and i was so tempted to make friends with someone in supervalu to be like ILL BLOW YOU IF YOU BUY THIS FOR ME SO I CAN HAVE 48 ROLLS OF TP but i figured it would be hard to carry home so i veto'd the idea.

-question: if you dislike your toenail like totally dislike because it is all fucking mutated from jabbing it into coffee tables, door ways, new phone books lying on the floor etc etc etc ... can you ask a doctor to remove your nail? because i am getting really tired of the pinky toe nail that i have on my right foot because it looks more like a talon and well its fucking gross i would post a picture but i am pretty sure that most of yall would puke right there on your keyboard so i wont. but ya. it sucks and i slammed it into a phone book tonight and its is totally throbbing all hard like. stupid toenail.

-i complained about the weather well not complain because it is nice its just that on the weekends it is so much cooler than what it is during the week so the boss lady said i can take this afternoon off which is exciting so i am going to the beach. i will tan or burn more than likely because they are calling for some major hot weather which is perfect. i am excited. i think i have been to the beach maybe like 3 times this year so far which is pathetic.

running with the homo words

-on tuesday night elizabeth wanted to come hang out and be apart of bitches and mine nightly routine of tv and drinks and stuff and she experienced something really shitty which i am not going to go all into detail because i get all riled up and pissed off at society and my neighborhood but you can read about it here. anyway when she called me to tell me what had happened as i was waiting for her at the bus stop i instantly ran up commercial drive and i was in sandals and my calves started to hurt and then i took them off and ran bare foot all the way down and i am fucking out of shape. really out of shape. but i know now with the right motivation i can enter any cross country race no probs. what angers me about the whole thing is that commercial drive is not known for crime and random attacks on people at least not that i have ever heard of or known of since i have lived there within the last 3-4 years. and the fact that nobody stopped to help her gets my hair all on end and i need to stop talking about it. elizabeth i am glad you are okay and next time i will come to your apartment and escort you and if anyone looks at you the wrong way i will gut them like a sockeye salmon crazy style.

-last night we were sitting and drinking beer and watching tv and tanya was cooking us dinner because she is our bitch and we were watching big brother and i got really angry because i heard one of the ladies say "id be heartbroken if one of my children told me they chose the gay lifestyle" and i wanted to stab myself in the face and then reach through the screen and stick my penis in her face because that shit is just fucking crazy and ya. i had to walk away. other than that i think i am hooked because there are these two catty fags and that was the twist that there were going to be three people added to the house that are enemies or problem people from 3 of the other peoples lives and when the people were trying to speculate what enemy of theirs might be there the one gay guy who i am thinking was the bottom of the two was all like OMG IT SO IS GOING TO BE DUSTIN and then rants about how he got gonorrhea from him and everyone was like GASP and all awkward. i am looking forward to more of those moments. i hope the homophobic douche face catches the fags sucking eachother off because fags do that even if they hate their ex's because they will still take any opprotunity to blow their load.

-whistler was amazing. we did nothing and that was great. we just all sat around and drank all day and hung out at the condo. i have a bunch of pictures but i will post those all later. but we did play scrabble and they said i could not use BORAT as a word but then they allowed FIFI. i was angry and i wanted to flip the board over but it would have been useless because the letters snap into place so i just opened another beer and used my other two letters and spelled HUG. yay 5 points.