televised food

-i brought tons of work home to do and instead i am eating epperay-onipay sticks i always liked saying pepperoni in pig latin it sounds fun ya even if i am not saying it right and oh and i am watching meerkat manor because i do not know why i am just fascinated with those cute fucking weird creatures and as i am watching i am cutting the ends off my epperay-onipay sticks because they have always reminded me of shriveled up little foreskins oh and i just flipped the channel and pat sayjack or whatever his name is just asked vanna white what she is going to be for halloween and she said she is going to dress all black with a letter on her and pat asked what letter and she said i dont know N? and he said why dont you be the letter "i" so i can DOT you... haha. he so wants to cum on her face. pig. this is like live tv blogging fest ya. oh and speaking of tv did anyone else what "shot at love with tile tequila"

... who is this tila i know i could search on the internet but i do not care that much but the show was horrible.... horribly fun to watch yet it is by far the trashiest thing i have seen on tv so far by mixing lezbians and guys all fighting for her love but i do not know what they see in her i think tila looks like a stripper gelfling but what do i know i am gay. i would be surprised if she ends up with a girl at the end not saying i doubt she loves women but i get the impression this is all for ratings.

-wanna know the best game ever for the nintendo ds... um zelda. that is right. hands down. forever ever.

-the other night i ate fucking kfc. i feel like dying now. well not really but i would never eat their like breasts or thighs of chicken that is way tooo greasy and not chicken i like the popcorn chicken which again is not chicken but it is so deep fried i do not care. it was good then i had to stop because i remember when it first came out i ate so much of chicken popcorn i would get sick so when i was eating it the other night i was doing okay then i started to feel that feeling i got way back when and i stopped. then end.

-i need hot weather...

dancing indian bee

-remember the bee that tanya was all like AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH about well this was the outcome and he died a happy death
(you should turn your volume down because tanya and i are on beer 3 annoying)

we got a new beer though that was nice eh.

-if there was a show called dancing with strangers i would tote be number one because i am like the fucking master of it you know when you are walking down the street and someone enters your path and you realize and dodge out of the way but at the same exact time they do in the same direction so you go the other way and so do they... i do this maybe 3 more times and the other person always looks so pissed off because i was trying to be curteious and get out of their fucking way. and its worse when it rains AND i have my umbrella then i am just like gene kelly. i think i have talked about this before too i think maybe possibly so sorry and i do not know i remember nothing.

-have you ever been to a consulate or embassy or anything like that where you need to get a visa? its such a lame process and sitting and waiting is always involved. i have to do this for my job periodically. today i went to the india consulate. got there and was number 88 and they were starting at 77 and i sit and what is insane is this have this fairly big tv and its playing this totally cheezy indian soap opera and its all dramatic and the lead actor was sorta cute and then it would be all slow mo or something and then the music would blare all **BINGDING*LING*BING*DIAYY*YAY*ABI*GLING** you know and with like saris flying around that is alot to take in especially at 8:45am and as i am calculating in my head how many people are before me over and over and over again in hopes the number might shrink and it doesnt then i am up and i leave 30 minutes later **BINGDING*LING*DNINDG*DING*BINGLING*GONG**

tanyas navel stain

-umm... i really think a navel orange is one of the most repulsive looking things. to me it looks sexually mutated and not right. especially huge fucking 'navel's like that too... disgusting. i saw that sitting on my counter at work. i even do the total pull back gross out face and like wince. seriously look at that for a long time and tell m you do not think that is even appropriate. i know i can not be the only one.

-so a certain friend who will remain nameless because i would not be an asshole to be like HEY GUESS WHAT but anyway so a certain person who is going to post secondary has found her self in a position where she needs to do a re-write of a mid term paper in her teachers office with just him because the re write is a favor as is because she did not know when the exam was as she missed a class and so anyway i asked if he offered an 'a' for a blow would she do it and she said yes and i high fived her and its cool because he aint married. i just thought that was funny.

i know this page is all tanya tanya lately eh. she is essentially a third in our relationship but we do not sleep with her but she is over and she sometimes helps clean and i always think that is nice ya but welcome tanya you owe me 40 bucks.
and speaking of tanya watch her and bees. she does this all the time. seriously. and if you listen you can hear me bitch about how loud she is... that is not if you are not loving tanyas laugh


-if you spill red whine on carpet and say the carpet is lighter in color a good little remedy i found on the internet that i would normally link but i can not even find that shit again but anyway just use dish soap and peroxide and just scrub. no certain amounts. just enough to cover the stain and bam gone. you will thank me when you spill wine i swear.

genoa turkey hair

-i hope everyone had a good thanksgiving dinner i did with my parents on sunday that was nice and i actually put gravy on my turkey for the first time i dunno when i was all little i never liked gravy not that i even tried it of course i just never tried it because it looked like shit to be blunt and i guess it just stuck that gravy=shit do not try shit eater and so i did not but this thanksgiving i was tired of just eating turkey with tons of salt so i added gravy and i am now like WOW FUCKING GRAVY IS AMAZING but only my moms see baby steps.
then on monday night i invited over tanya and elizabeth and nick over for a genoa thanksgiving because if i have something to be thankful for it is friends and genoa and wine but can you believe i forgot the wine i know but that is okay because i got all creative and made a genoa turkey

i could have made it better but that was done real quickly and i was like putting the salami out and then i thought lets form a turkey and quickly re arranged everything and that was the result and elizabeth squeeled so that means it looked like a turkey... i think. next time which i will not even wait for thanksgiving i will do a better turkey with parm. genoa, garlic genoa and a more dark hot genoa. it will be a fucking genoa gobble fest. hah. im hilarious.

-and i forget what day but shari came over to and we drank and pulled weeds. it was fun.

mind you i think shari got afraid for her hair because while we were doing what we do, bitch and tanya were in the bathroom doing this


and see i know shari like really well so i know that is her GET AWAY FROM ME YOU FREAK smile and actually you can tell that that is the type of smile even if you did not know her because i am sure anyone would look the same if bitch approached you ya?

-bitch and i are going to victoria on the 27th. no reason. just because. and we get to go via helijet for free because that is me flexing my agent shit all peacock style.
and then we are going to stay here again for cheap because if you did not know agents get deals fuckers but not for everyone just me and who ever i sleep with sorry. and last time we stayed there i figured we would never be allowed again because we had a corner suite which has a big window and we pretended we were in the red light district and put an oral show on for people below and i learned bitch has gills.

moving brown memories

-on sunday we helped tanya move and i will be honest as much as i was like hey tanya no problem i fucking hate moving and you better like where you live tanya for a little while cause i am not going to help for a little while okay, okay. but really the only reason it sucked because it was raining (hows the box spring?) and meeting her new roommates was nice. they seem nice. TANYAAAAA LIVING WITH PAULADIAAAANNAAAAA
they do however though have this super nice cozy deck with sofas and ash trays and empty beer bottles like heaven essentially and i can not wait to invite myself over and make them my friends. they had jager on the counter so i know we will get along just fine.

-umm so ya how about that britney eh...

-i was going through pictures i will do that i will just sit there and look through pictures on my computer and even though i may have looked at them for like a long time but i will just keep looking through them and i came across this one of melize and me from about a year ago and i miss meliza. she was fun.

mind you parties with free beer were also fun so i could be clouded but i am pretty sure i love meliza.

-after years and years and years of having a black umbrella i used my new one which is brown and i tote felt gay. it is weird. glad i did not buy the pinkish red one i originally saw and i thought oh i can totally rock that i do not care about the color but if i felt gay with a brown umbrella i would have been like the blonde super fruit from queer eye with the pinkish red one ya...

no one dawn

-because it is a lazy saturday and plus i am on pager duty i am sitting at home well i did go visit the skwirls cats and pet them and said hi and fed them and pet them some more and then came home and on much music because i guess they do not believe in playing music videos any more but they are playing the mtv awards over and over and over it is like all they are playing and anyway i keep watching because my favorite performance was alicia keys not britney thank you mind you i did watch to see how britney would do and not because i am so like oh my gawd in love with her no no but because as a human being i was hoping she would pull it off but it turns out she is just a retarded cow and i feel sorry for her kids but anywayanyway alicia fucking rocked it for me with her 'no one' performance which broke out into freedom but i have to admit there was a time that alicia annoyed me though i thought her songs were good but when i saw her like this

i would be like whoa... but since she has gotten this whole like soulful thing going on and i enjoy that alot better then ghetto gansta alicia it is not her sorta like khakis with pleats ... just do not work in some way you know. i like her like this

tote boner!!

and that is my saturday. shari is coming over and we will sit here and talk about stuff no one would understand. you have to like be attached at the brain for 12 years to understand. that type of conversation cause that is what we do. and smoke. that too.

-oh and dawn i came up with and have started a painting for you specifically because i remember a long time ago i said i would paint ________ with __________ . and you thought it was a great idea and it never happened because i flake sometimes but its cool and anyway ya i remembered this conversation in a complete random moment and so now i actually started it too but you will like it and if you dont you will still have to pay for the shipping sucka. and oh and yes totally on the mia pre drinks. JIMMY ---- ACHA

mormon wine breath

-last night i learned of the three words when said together make you almost choke on wine. true story. the three words okay well i guess four sorry its morning math skills are lacking but anywayanyway....

GAY-MORMON-FLIGHT ATTENDANT



i know. totally eh?!. its like which one of those words does not belong with the other. ugh. the fags survivor picks to be on their shows are always so... i dunno... gay?. i wanna see him bitch it out with the i-love-jesus radio show host and then go and suck off the surf instructor.

i thought it was bad but when i went to the website to grab the above picture i read the homo's bio and ya, it like got worse...:

"He describes himself as fantastic, amazing, awesome and
super-original...."

"He thinks the Spice Girls are the most significant historical event of the past 100 years and is unbelievably stoked that they are going on a reunion tour this winter."

have i mentioned that he is mormon too?


-this morning when i woke up and i staggered outside to smoke i had to grab a hoodie because i can see my breath now and that sucks and with that i say good bye summer that never was.


-i thought i had more to say but apparently not.

sitting on the hawaiian sickness

-i am having to house sit for skwirl because the bitch has gone to hawaii and not that she is a bitch but she is because she is in hawaii. anyway house sitting consists of sitting on her couch and watching sex and the city since she has like ALL of them and pet her cats and then i drink the wine i find in her cupboards and then i eat the genoa. but the genoa she bought for me. that is my payment. i have discussed this before i know but you know what since it is 2 weeks worth of watching she went all out and bought 500g of peppered genoa and omg the best ever parmesean genoa. have you had that before? you should it is fucking stinky sock heaven. so in memoria of hawaii lets take a look at one of my favorite pictures of when bitch and i went to hawaii....

yep. wanna go back....

-you know when someone is sick at your work place and they are always like the only one who ever calls in sick and no one else does either because we are fucking idiots or said person is lying i am not sure but i am getting really agitated by everytime said person is "sick" because then shit falls on my desk when i do not need anymore shit on my desk and then when one of said sick persons friends call and even mention said "sick" persons name i cringe and want to be like YOU TELL [ ] THAT THEY BETTER GET THEIR ASS IN EARLY TOMORROW CAUSE THERE IS MAJOR SHIT TO DEAL WITH and then i find stuff in said persons pile of work that i gave to send out back oh last week. ya. not happy. when i was on the bus on the way home i was still agitated that when some scuzzy guy mumbled to some chick WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT i wanted to take my "a fine balance" and take the spine and smash it in his nose. ya. i am having issues. i will be okay though i think. oh wait pager week again... no i will not be okay this week. go ahead... page me and tell me your problems.... i will tell you mine.

-i feel all bitchy like. i am just going to stop.

-anyway, so i wont stop just yet because i wanted to show my newest painting project well ya as 3 of the unfinished ones sit and seethe but that is okay

elizabeth saw the green side and said she liked the waves in it but i just shared a bowl with her so ya... now i just need to figure out what to do from here. maybe i will start another new one and let this one sit for a while. thats how i roll. no wonder i am not selling shit.

denim breakfast dreams

-i am not sure where the hell they are coming from but lately i've been having some really messed up dreams all crazy like and some of them have not been fun where you all like wake up and are all sweaty and gross and all panicy and then you mentally say to yourself phew that was just a dream and then you sit there and can not get back to sleep because you are then analyzing the dream and thinking what the hell it was about and i wonder if i did this or that but it does not matter cause its over but you still think about it and then go back to sleep like 45 minutes later. those are always fun. the other night it was about some freaks doing drive bys and then busting into my apartment. thats the short version. probably because last week was sober week.

-these are bitch's photos but i am going to show some of them. thanks bitch.


have you ever wondered what bitch looks like eating a burger? well you are in luck today...








normally on the tire swing i like to be spun around so fast that your head flys back and you are trying to lift your head and you can not because you are spinning so fast and your face looks mildly retarded as your are trying to fight it. that is fun. but we did not do that then because we just ate and you can imagine the outcome.

-bitch, shari and i went shopping for jeans last night and shari and i succeeded and i got these jeans that are a pretty nice fit but the crotch area is a little tight well tighter than what i am used to but they look good however shari said that if i get a boner i am toast but what she does not know is that maybe that is why i bought them. HA.

-bitch bitched about me posting his pictures and i said thank you and so i took down a bunch them that i was going to originally post but then he said NO DON LEAVE THEM UP and now i am confused.

bearing the sleeping ink

-this morning when i woke up i felt like it was fall already. i do not know why but it was depressing.
and with that i instantly felt like hibernating. maybe that is why i am eating mozza burgers like no tomorrow. i am storing fat for the winter. or i am just storing fat. i am feeling moo'ish. i had salads for lunch 2 days in a row and they were caesar salads and i asked for extra bacon and parm cheese so i might as well have had the mozza burgers.


-last friday elizabeth called and was like WOOO LETS PARTY and so i gathered my stuff and went to a friends birthday party first and then they started to go a direction i was not feeling so i left to meet up with elizabeth and bitch and tanya and amanda joined me over at her apartment and it was fun and we all loved her dress and then i started to fall asleep. like goodnight. and bitch was like THIS MEANS WE NEED TO GO so we left and when i got home i fell asleep on the floor and bitch thought it would be hilarious to hide me in laundry which he did and that is my foot sticking out of the bottom. true story. talk about disorienting when i woke up i had the WHERE THE HELL AM I?!#$! thing going on but that is about on par for a saturday morning. imagine if i suffocated and died in laundry. that would make people laugh at my funeral and they would slap their knee and be like TYPICAL JARED. i know it.

-i watched la ink last night and i said that is it and i have designed my next tattoo. i just need to take it in now for a consultation to the cute japanese lady who did my reap n sow tattoo because her lines are so perfect and that is what i need. i am excited.

pictoral interlude - me day

-so these are pictures from friday night and it was fun and i got all fucked up all birthday style when its your birthday you do it well and with the help of a gift that was a camel backpack thingy full of gin and tonic thanks to bucci and that is the thing you will see half way through me sucking on and shoving in peoples mouths.. i know. hot huh. good times and thanks for people coming out and sorry for the vespa bullshit but whatev. needless to say i woke up weird and lost my phone and camera and i hated 27 but then all was found and i liked 27 again. phew it was a close one too. oh and i had my i am 27 now open mouth pose the whole night. i was trying to perfect it horribly. happy birthday to me.















"the name is ameda or adema either way ill fuck you up..."




when i look at elizabeth i seriously wonder what she is thinking...


this picture is so the overload of adorable, no?


hahahahah...sucker