mahalo me

-last couple of days i am not liking life due to personal shit but then again i should be happy because yesterday it is all confirmed that bitch and i are going to hawaii... it is going be like the brady bunch goes to hawaii but instead of a family of incestuous children who whine and stuff it will just be two homos. i am excited though. we will be all leaving in may for about 8 days. 2 days in honolulu, 4 days in kapalua and then 2 days in kihea. i am seriously loving my job for the perks. so palm tress make me smile but right now i am not happy.

-then there was valentines day and i am one of those people that hates the day and i am not all like VALENTINES WAS CREATED BY CARD COMPANIES type of hate i just hate seeing some many googly eyed women walking around with roses and shit blabbing about how wonderful their man is while he is all probably at work having his assistant perform some massive blow job but ya the mushy shit pisses me off and plus bitch and i were not on good terms so friend shari came to the rescue and surprised me with chocolate and we told eachother that we are each others permanent valentines foreverever since we have been like for 10 years already. she rawks.

-you know how everybody who has a digital camera and a computer always take one of those self-taken-picture-using-the-bathroom-mirror shot and i did some realizing i am not cool because i do not have one of them shots. i am usually slow with the uptake so here is my self-taken-picture-using-the-bathroom-mirror shot.



it was actually sorta hard to get it right because i kept taking shots of my crotch and shit and i was like what am i doing whatev... actually i feel a little bit better after some random vanity.

rye touching the VD

-on saturday friend anika decided to get some friends together for a valentines sorta party at a club and she had reserved some booths and stuff and it was fun and after like 6 beers, 2 shots of tequila i met a new favorite person she is in the last picture with me where i am looking all sleepy which is funny because it is not sleepyness just drunkeness and her name is friend scovia and when we met we were trashing the go-go dancers talking trash like pushing them off stage and showing them which direction surrey was in and the she made some comment about hating her drink and i am all WHY and she goes BECAUSE IT MAKES ME SMELL LIKE A MAN and i was all I LOVE THE FACT THAT YOU SMELL LIKE RYE IT IF WE HAD KIDS THEY WOULD DRINK RYE WITH US and she was all YUAYUA 3 YEARS OLD AND A RYE COVERED SOOTHER. she was awesome. i got drunk and went home and told bitch i wanted the bartender and he got all grumpy and shit... whatev.

salami tampon roses

-yesterday i was doing some work and i get a phone call in the office and it was bitch and he was all like is it your lunch yet and i said actually i am just biting my sandwich now and he asked if i wanted to eat it outside with him since he was on his lunch and it was actually nice outside so i had actually made 2 sandwichs for me because i love me them genoa salami sandwiches actually i just love genoa salami and i think it goes back to when i was a little boy my father unit would give me beer and salami which explains so much to me now being the raging drunk that i am and anywayanyway i love genoa oh actually when i housesat for friend skwirl she asked what i wanted for groceries and all i said was genoa and she like bought be 500grams of it and i ate all in one night. i heart salami. anywayanywayanyway met bitch downstairs i gave him my second sandwich and he had something behind his back and it was a rose for no reason just because he is cute and i was all OOOOO THANK YOU BABE but i sorta think i got the shit end of the stick because a rose does not equal genoa well at least not in my world... but its the thought i guess.

-this morning i was on the bus on the way to work and my bus is usually a very busy one at 7:45 in the morning and when i got on i had to stand so i was standing and there was this guy who is always on the bus and is in a wheel chair and he is super nice and anyway he got off and since he got off that meant the fold up seat was available so i thought hey why not sit down so i go to pull the seat down and as i do my bag knocks into some other lady's bag and it was one of those huge leather bags the ladies are all about carrying and it was open and it just toppled over on to the floor. i was all OH SHIT I AM SOO SORRY and she picks up the bag and all this stuff falls out and i instinctivelyely bent down to help her pick her stuff up and then i saw a bunch of tampons and when i am saying a bunch i am like meaning 12 or something crazy and then i got embarrased for her and just said sorry and sat down while she picked up all her tampons because i personally do not care about tampons i am not like one of those males who is all OH MY GAWD WOMEN BLEED FROM THEIR VAGINA THAT IS SO GROSS i am all whatev but i think it would have been embarrasing for her so i took the road of me looking like an asshole rather than embarrass her because if i did help i am all sure and positive i would have said something inappropriate like WHOA HO WITH ALL THESE TAMPONS I AM GUESSING ITS A HEAVY DAY and then she would like cry or hit me or something so i just sat down instead.

pictoral interlude - revisting new years

and then i fell asleep...



there has been a sever delay in getting any photos from new years but i had these on my camera but my batteries died after that night and i have been neglectful to buy the certain batteries my camera likes because it is very particular about what type of batteries i put in it. it does not like the cheap ones from like army and navy no it likes the high end lithium or whatever type ones. anyway we got trashed!@#

urinal preciousness

-you know how there is that show called kids say the fucking stupidest things well i am thinking i am going to start a show called BITCH SAYS SOME STUPID SHIT because he does say stuff sometimes that makes me shake my head and laugh and think silly bitch

example 1:
we were having coffee the other night and i realized that we had run out of coffee cream and i say to him UM WE HAVE NO MORE CREAM and he says THAT IS OKAY I HAVE A BOX OF OVULATIONS and i was all like WHAT DID YOU SAY and he said OVULATIONS... WE CAN DIP THEM INTO THE COFFEE AND IT WILL TASTE GOOD. he then showed me the box of OVATIONS the chocolate stick things.
silly bitch

example 2:
one night i was feeling all rowdy and annoying so i started picking on bitch and i started grabbing and pulling hair from his body and he was getting all pissed and so i said okay i will stop so i pretend to stop and then i grabbed a strand of hair from his head and pulled and he snaps at me I AM STARTING TO GO BALD PLEASE DO NOT PULL THE HAIR ON MY HEAD BECAUSE I PRECIOUSESES THEM ALL. i laughed because he did not even know what was wrong with what he said.
silly bitch

example 3:
on the weekend i was at home and bitch was working and when he came home he showed me this plant that he bought and i was like OOoooOh but it was fake because it was not that pretty of a plant actually it sorta looked like green onions with tiny white flowers at the top and anywayanyway he puts in the living room and as we are watching tv i was all WHAT IS THAT SMELL and i lean over and smell the flowers and i am like THESE THINGS FUCKING SMELL LIKE URINE and he was like WHAT LET ME SEE so he gets up and smells them and he says NO NO NO THEY DO NOT SMELL LIKE URINE THEY SMELL LIKE THOSE TABLETS IN URINALS.... and he was serious on his correction.
silly bitch
either way they smell like something associated with urine. they are outside now....


i can go on but i am thinking i do not need too...

i just do remembering of how good looking he is and it makes everything all better.

talking mushrooms

-so i went shopping with friend shari yesterday and she was telling me how one of her friends ran into this girl we all knew from high school and when we were in high school she would tell us all about raves and we were like YA RIGHT FREAK and then we ended up going to one and loved it but that is what the e does makes you love everything and then she was always like I TOLD YOU BUT I AM TRYING TO GET OUT OF THE SCENE BECAUSE EVERYONE IS DOING IT all ellitest like and we were like YA WHATEV DO YOU HAVE DRUGS and then we all sorta cleaned up and was like what a waste of time and when we looked back the said girl was still in the scene saying she was going to get out and anywayanyway so friend of shari ran into this girl and apparently she is still trying to get out of the scene and she is like pushing 200 lbs which obviously means at least she is drug free because you never see a fat raver on e and anyway during their conversation said girl turned to sharis friend and was all DO YOU KNOW JARED IS GAY and friend was all like YEAH HELLO WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN and she proceeded to talk about me and stuff and girl needs to get out more. ive been running homo rampant for like 3-4 years now comfortably and she is still gossiping about it. hah. stupid cow. it makes me eager for some high school reunion thing and they will all be expecting me to like fly into the auditorium with a rainbow cape and shit but i will dress up like a giant penis instead because there were quite a few slow kids in my class so at least a giant penis might tip them off in the right direction.

observational digested fortitude

-i like to stare at things and observe and i normally laugh to myself which makes me look crazy and i think that coworker lady who sits in front of me thinks that too because i laugh periodically at random moments and i see her head pop up with an eyebrow all raised and i smile and she looks away. its funny... some observations:

-people who get into elevators with their cell phone and they are all HEY JOE YES WE NEED TO CLOSE THIS DEAL NOW AND I KNOW I KNOW ITS FRIDAY BUT WE NEED THIS SEALED... HELLO... JOE.. CAN YOU HEAR ME and then they do grumbling like stupid phone never works and i am just staring at them thinking to myself SELF THAT THERE IS A HUGE MENTAL DOUCHE BAG... i want to say HUGE MENTAL DOUCHE BAG YOU ARE IN AN ELEVATOR AND LAST TIME I CHECKED IT IS CONSTRUCTED OF STEEL WHICH NORMALLY CELLULAR PHONE RECEPTION IS UNABLE TO PENETRATE AND TO TOP IT OFF THE STEEL ELEVATOR IS USUALLY IN THE CENTER OF A BUILDING CONSTRUCTED OF THICK CEMENT WHICH LESSENS THE CHANCE OF THE RECEPTION MAKING IT THROUGH STEEL. but i just smile and laugh. good luck with sealing the deal douche bag. is douche spelt with an 'e' ...

-homeless people and their shoes. i like looking at homeless people seeing what type of shoes they wear. sometimes they are not wearing shoes so they must have really thick foot skin. but sometimes i look and they have shoe laces which impresses me but then i look at the back and it is either cut out or just folded in because they just slammed their foot in. sometimes it is velcro. i did not even know they make size 10 homeless people velcro shoes. but they do. homeless people and velcro shoes make me laugh. sorta like seeing an asain with a cowboy hat. do not know why it is funny but i still laugh.
when i was typing this and i typed velcro it made me all quiver because i did some remembering of when i was little

~~doodoo - enter flashback mode - doodoo~~

when i was in grade 4 or some small number elementary grade i remember my family was not well off so i had these pair of velcro shoes from k-mart or something like that and i did not mind them but i remember going to class and this kid named aaron who was like the 'popular kid' because he was all good in sports and stupider than shit and boasted about how he kicked a soccer ball right into this girls box you know the stuff that makes a grade 4 popular and he saw me with my velcro shoes and they were called 'dyna kids' shoes and he made fun of me at lunch and pushed me down and ripped my shoe off and through it across the field and i got my socks dirty because the field was wet. i went home and cried and said 'i wish i had nike's' but my mom used her famous line SON WISH IN ONE HAND SHIT IN THE OTHER AND TELL ME WHICH FILLS FIRST.. i am still not knowing what that means but i do know kids are fucking assholes.

insomnimail

-sometimes i think i am internet superstar and super famous and everybody hangs on my witty and creative words but then i wake up and realize that i am not famous and that i am not witty i am just some homo in vancouver that nobody likes to comment too but i still type because i need to waste time some how and ya but then sometimes i get smiles on my face because people write me to tell me they read me and like what i type because it makes them laugh.

**
From : EVETTE
Sent : January 26, 2006 2:37:36 PM
To :
Subject : your hilarious blog

I am an incurable insomniac, so I have turned to my computer (recently) for solace. I found your site the other day--you are funny as hell!!!!!!!!! When I cant sleep, I read your old posts. You keep me laughing, because you tell a story like nobody else possibly could! THANK YOU!!!!

Evette

not sure if you even care about what I think,
but I thought I'd let you know anyway!

**
i thought that was sweet of evette to write me in her pain of insomnia which i find funny since she reads a blawg titled tales of the narcoleptic avenger. and please note that i did not alter that email she sent she actually did all that putting of exclamation marks!!!!!! HOLLA i wrote back and told her i care and said thank you words.

ray-dee-ayshun nothingness

-so normally when i walk into the office on monday mornings bosslady is all like HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND MISSY?!? and i usually then go into a big long description about some crazy ass event like bitch losing his wallet 3 times in a weekend, encounters with building man rich, or about how knives got waved around in my face but today when i did the walking in hello all i said was I DID NOTHING THIS WEEKEND and she was all shocked that i did not have any story to tell her about and she almost look saddened or unless she has cramps but i do not know.

but honestly i did nothing. i slept friday night away.
saturday i did some working at GAPland and then came home had a beer and fell asleep and then sunday the mother unit came out with a new microwave for bitch and i and it is perfect because we had a real shitty one before that had this broken door ejector and i always would not stand in the kitchen when it was going because i just envisioned radiation pouring out of the hole and the thing would only make half assed bags of popcorn and i would get so upset with the stupid microwave because i know the radiation that leaked out could have helped make a better bag of popcorn but all i was getting was seeds and probably the beginning of tumor but this one allowed all the seeds to pop because it is a beautiful microwave. when she left i drank and fell asleep again. then bitch came home from work and i made some mean deep fried perogies because that is what i do i deep fry anything these days if i could i would deep fry sex but something about sever burns turns me off that idea anywayanyway we got stoned and i fell asleep totally forgetting to iron and shave so i had to wake up early this morning and so my alarm went off at 5:25am and bitch was all YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME and i ignored him and made coffee. i hate ironing in the morning.

lost with a letter 'pee'

-so last night i was all I AM DETERMINED TO FINISH SEASON ONE OF LOST and so when i got home i just started watching it and i was not impressed because it is more fun to watch when you are drinking and then as if the gawds were tuned in i get a phone call from bitch saying he has had a stressful days lets go get beer and i was all WELL I CANT WATCH LOST but i saw more priority in drinking.... i mean with bitch that is so we went to our lil favorite spot on commericial and drank a pitcher and HELLO they were watching LOST on the big screen in the restaurant. so we finished our beer and got a six pack for home and i continued to watch season one and dave went to bed and i stayed up but sleep was totally winning its battle as it always does and then i fell asleep and woke up at 1:00am and my boxers were wet and so was my t-shirt and i thought i had pissed myself and i felt the couch and it was not even wet so i was like WTF I HAVE TALENT I CAN PISS MYSELF BUT NOT GET THE COUCH SOAKED IN URINE and i was sorta proud and then i saw a beer can on the floor and i smelled my shirt and it was just beer i spilled when i fell asleep. i was sorta dissapointed.

-i have decided that lost needs some gay people with hawt slow motion masturbation scenes becuase i know if i were on that island i would so sneak off and totally masturbate with the polar bears while thinking of jug fucking hurleys man breasts! HAH. i jest.

..

you can tell life is all slow when i am still fucking talking about that shit show LOST.

chachacha

lost with a letter 'a'

-everyday i am taking transit and it blows but since i am not having a car well then its better than walking so every morning i am on the same bus and i recognize the same people and i just keep to myself but what i am not understanding are the people who do recognizing of you as well and feel since you take the same bus as them at the same time then for surely you have something in common to talk about but i disagree since lady you chew your gum like a mad cow which is a huge pet peeve, you dress like you are going to a club to pick up some 19 year old boy and all you do is bitch about the bus drivers and how you are thinking they have plotted a conspiracy to not pick you up which the more you talk to me i am starting to believe because you are fucking annoying. when i am having headphones in and i do not take them out when you walk up that means i would rather listen to my music first thing than talk to your bleach blond ass because i am too hung over to even fake socialize and i am only able to nod and smile and say OH YEAH so many times... i just noticed this is sort of turning into a letter to her

sincerly,
J.

-last night i got accidently drunk watching the first season of lost on dvd that my coworker lent me and i sorta love the show but at the same time hate it because they complain about no water but hi if they watched bill nye the science guy they would have had it all figured out but whatev and bitch came home late because he went out for dinner with his supervisor and he comes in and he was like HAVE YOU MET KYLE WHO I WORK WITH and i said no is he gay and he says YAH AND HES TOTALLY LOVES MIA LIKE I DO AND HE IS SO NICE AND COOL and i was all YOU ARE SO GOING TO CHEAT ON ME and he said TOTE WHALES which in our stupid fag talk means 'yes'. as long as he pays rent i am cool.

au blade

-friday night sucked. it sucked bad.
i was staying at home to do laundry and drink rye and at like 9:30pm i remembered i forgot to upgrade someone to a business class flight so i slipped on jeans and sweatshirt and went downtown to do late night last minute office shit. so i do it and leave calling bitch to let him know what i was doing. he convinces me to go out with him and friend anike to au bar which is complete meat market and not the meat i like like genoa salami or filet mignon or penis, but more like a whole lot of pussy not coverd up by ugly short skirts that were so last year. anywayanyway i left because i was like FUCK THIS THIS AINT MY SCENE even though bitch was paying for my beers so note i had about 3 beers in me. i leave and goto the bus stop. i am waiting and then some sketchcase walks up and whispers in my ear GIVE ME YOUR SHIT!@# i turn around and bluntly told him to go fuck him self and that i have no 'shit' to give him to piss off and he proceeds to verbally convince me that i need to hand over my 'shit' which he is referring to my wallet. not being in the best of moods as is i had a low tolerance and i told him blatently once again to suck my cock and to get out of my face which he replied with a head butt to the side of my face. i replied with a fist to his chest which he stumbled back and then said FINE I WILL TAKE IT THIS WAY and then he pulled out a fucking 6inch pocket knife. i told him he was fucked, shoving him again and crossed the street. he followed and so i crossed back and almost got hit by cars and then he just walked away.

i did not think much of it until the next morning and i was like THAT IS SOME STUPID SCARY SHIT.

i still feel safer downtown middle of the night than what i do in surrey in the middle of the day though.

-this 'post secret' makes me want to change careers

drawing shitty koreans

-it is that time where i have nothing to say but i just want to click that orange button that says publish post so when i have nothing to say and i want to press that button i drag up old shit from the past because i am not creative to come up with new shit at this moment. i say shit alot. i just sent an email to someone with admiration type words and i still was able to use the word shit like 3 times. sexy times!@#

* * *

1.27.o3 (korean patient picture)
-so i am doing my talkity typing at the same korean web cafe i goto when i am downtown and when i came in i was going to the computer i normally sit at but when i passed the counter, the korean computer master girl started to doing some waving of her hands and say something but i am thinking because i do not know korean i did not understand her but then korean computer master girl pointed at her computer and showed me that the 'mother' computer was reloading so i assumed i had to do waiting. she did say SIT which was in english not korean so i followed her instructions to sit unless she was trying to say SHIT but i do not think so because she did not seem angry or anything. while waiting for the korean computer master girl to work her kung fu on the mother computer so i could start my internet magik talkity typing, i started to watch some animated movie they have on and it is in korean i think but it is some weird stuff... it had these weird looking panda type creatures running around but the panda creatures had sorta beaver like tales and they started running through this big ol bon fire and when they came out they rammed their heads into the panda-beaver like creature ahead of them and it looked like one big ol rimming chain and then they all morphed into this dragon and then more panda-like creatures started running and jumping into these bubbles where they then did some weird anime morphing of pumpkins or some squash like thing and i said HOLY KOREAN TRIPPYNESS and suddenly my computer came on and i was then all happy like because my brain was hurting watching the weird movie and it was making me want to go out and do some cheap acid and read a timothy leary book. crazy koreans...



-this is a new drawing i just recently finished that i am somewhat proud of. normally i would not be doing postings of my drawings but lately i was on this massive creative block where nothing was flowing through the brain to the hands to draw anything but one day after some form of catalyst i sat down and started to draw and then i actually started to paint again but not so much right now because i am broke and out of white paint. but ya....

* * *

-i look back at that and realize i will always have some problem with wanting to paint but not getting it done. whatev. i also look at that drawing and wonder why my head was so far up my ass in terms of my shadowing and colouring and stuff. wtf. self critisisisisms is the best.

burning deep fried pussy

-i am housesitting and everytime i housesit for skwirl the building is visited by fire trucks but thankfully it is not due to my pyro tendacies. this time i was sitting on the couch watching tv and i went out for smoke and when i go out the people across the way are trying to start their bar-b-q and when they get it lit all of a sudden a huge flame grows and just keeps burning. i sorta watched in a half daze not really caring and then one of them noticed me and was all HEY ANY IDEA WHAT TO DO... and i just shrugged and said turn the gas off and they said they had then i said stand back just in case and then they stopped talking to me which is fine. cut to 25 minutes later the thing is still shooting flames and fire trucks show up. it was funny watching 4 firemen deal with one out of control bar-b-q. they were not even hawt.

-for some reason i am all about deep frying shit well not actual shit but food but a variety of food which for some reason i thought of randomly when i was hung over but i took perogies and boiled them then battered them with egg and rolled them in cracker crumbs with garlic salt and deep fried it and jesus H christ that was good eating... then yesterday i tried the same but with tortellini and that was so good too and then i weighed myself and i have jumped to 143 pounds. last time i weighed myself was when i last house sat in november and i was a mere 125 pounds... i am like american and shit. SUPER SIZE!@#

-the cats though... driving me crazy. they are cute, and i love cats but the one needy cat will pounce on me like at 6:30 in the morning each day... its crazy and sits and purrs and meows in my face and so i think he is hungry and i check the bowl and it is full and the water bowl is full and then i check the cat box thinking maybe he is not liking the fullness of it but it isnt full because i cleaned the other night. he just wants attention at 6:30 in the morning. fucking thing... its too cute to throw across the room so i just lightly pet him which quiets him down and then eventually roll out of bed looking for coffee only to find decaf in the cupboards.

picking the drunken wallet out

-friday night rolled around and i was all like i am needing to go out since bitch was sick and i was feeling alright i decided to go out so i called friend mr. lea who just got a new job being bartender man and i was all like SWEET A NEW PLACE I CAN GET DRUNK AND PASS OUT UNDER THE TABLE OF and he was like for sure. so we went to the cambie and drank. then friends bucci and randy man came but were stuck in the line so we left and went to the bourbon and then we drank more. in the beginning of the night i told friend mr. lea that my new years resolution was to make no resolution and to develop that voice in my head that says SELF I AM THINKING YOU HAVE HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK because i seem to lack that voice and all friend mr. lea would do was put his finger to my lips and go shhhh and pass over the shot of whatever the waitress brought us. from there it is all blurry. i made it home on my own accord i assume by taxi and apparently we hit up two other places of drinking establishments and ya but not in that order or course. good times. i went to work the next morning and i knew i reeked like last nights beer so i ate a bunch of garlic paremsean pretzel balls and everybody said i stunk like garlic.

-bitch apparently went out too. i misssed like 36 phone calls from him. my phone was on silent. oh well. and ya. he went to some club with some friends and while out side some homeless lady ran into him and then ran. she jacked his wallet. can you believe it. i can not. poor shit has had the worst luck with his wallet. my mother unit says she is going to personally sew zippers to every article of clothing of his that has a pocket. anywayanyway he walked all the way home and then got a phone call from his friend and apparently homeless lady wallet picker walked by the club again and a bouncer who saw what happened earlier grabbed her and demanded the wallet back and he got it back and then gave it to bitchs friend to bring back to him. so he has his wallet again with nothing gone. jesus eff'ing christ. that kid has a horse shoe up his ass.

-i am house sitting from friend skwirl because her and her husband went to huatulco. i sent them there. they have two cats and one is a very needy cat who wants attention and is standing right in front of the key board and is getting hair into my beer so i am going to stop but since they have internet you will see more posts from me this week~~!

raindrops of lemon gawds

-on my way to work this morning i saw some business guy riding a unicycle in a rain coat and a briefcase. i was all starting to think i was having a relapse of my drug days gone bad but i started to notice that other people were looking at this weird sight. he had a helmet on so at least he was riding safe in the rain. it was quite surreal for 8:ooam.

-after i got over the 'new-years-3-day-my-head-is-e'ffing-hurting-headache-hangover' i got sick. massive head cold sick where every fluid is pouring out of your face. nose starts running and then the eyes are all like hey that is looking like fun lets leak too so they do and the end result is a trash can full of tissue and people asking why i am crying. when my eyes are all watering and red though they turn this really funky light color blue and people say i have amazing eyes but then i blow my nose and they walk away disgusted. every night i have been double dosing on neo citron and that shit is a gawd send. i love it!@ and it puts me out like i have been drinking 8 beers straight but minus the possibility of me pissing the bed. dreams are a little fuckered but hey it creates an upswing for my levels of creativity come the next painting. i think i may drink it on a normal basis but bitch says then it will stop working so i am not sure. it is good though. 3 days later i only have one nostril slightly plucked and sometimes on my in-breath it makes a weezing sound and i try and create a beat and then i feel like i am going to faint so i stop. bitch now has the cold. HAH.

bitch lost

-nothing really cryptic about my title today. nope. where to begin... bitch lost:

~earlier last week he lost his wallet. troublesome since all his ID and other important little pieces of plastic are in that wallet. including oh did i mention his picture ID that he would need if we were to goto hawaii (we are planning on for either february or may). also not to mention that we were going to a club that night to celebrate a friends birthday but a little hard to do with no ID since club _____ has been known to have 'gang' trouble so they are tight with the whole identification thing. anywayanyway we eventually got in long story but ya.

~not in bitch's wallet (thank gawd) was his birth certificate. he was smart and kept that seperate. he was waiting for his new visa to come in to go get new picture ID because all you need is your birth certificate and a credit card or something and boom. new picture ID. we go to a pub and he brings his birth certificate with him to get in. he really does not need because the people we go with are huge uber regulars so we glide in with no problems. long story short the next morning he has lost his birth certificate, and cell phone (we wont mention he lost it possible dragging my ass out of a cab but ya).

~so he is ID'less completely and no phone. he goes out for dinner with his manager on sunday night and borrows my only umbrella.
next morning i go to grab my umbrella which is no longer in sight. he lost that too the night before and lo and behold it is turrential down pour of rain and i am eff'd. i get to work drowned in my new wool dress pants. hawt.

suddenly the gawds for whatever reason decide to smile on dave. a call from a cabby informs us that he has bitch's phone. he scrolled through the numbers on the phone and called bitchs parents and ya. with the phone... his birth certificate as well. enter massive sigh of relief. i was expecting someone to find it at a scene of a murder or something and ya mind you i would have ended up with the bed by myself which is always nice sometimes.
then within 10 hours he gets a call from translink... they have his wallet!@#! i am personally amazed. only thing taken was his bus pass.

regardless i am going to start stapling shit to him in the worst way.

year of da baycon

-firstly and foremostly happy new year. oh and merry christmas and all those other fucking holidays that everybody apparently needs to recognize at this time of year because the other religions are feeling left out anywayanyway

what a christmas. i will be honest and say i was all looking mad forward to the present situation to a point where bitch and i agreed that we have not felt like that since we were kids. i am thinking it was because my mother unit kept saying encouraging things like I HAVE BOUGHT SO MUCH FOR YOU THAT I NEED TO PUT SOME OF IT IN DAVES NAME and I BOUGHT YOU A 32 INCH TV FOR CHRISTMAS BUT I DID NOT WRAP IT SO I THOUGHT I WOULD TELL YOU NOW so you can see why i was all hyped up. normally christmas at my house is a "tight" or "not expensive" christmas but my parents always rocked at making it a special day regardless especially with the meal. but as i said this year i was all GIMME MY SHIZNIT!@# because my mother and father were in a position where they could financially spoil their children...

so the tv rocks. huge. 12 cup super nice coffee maker blak and stainless steel. hawt. new electric shaver one of them triple head things that actually take the whiskers off the face. loves it. pots and pans including a new hawt square frying pan good for bacon. new nice knife set. sharp. trust me. family guy volume 3 and tattoo gift certs ... thanx skwirl!@#!
so ya it kicked ass.
bicth got me a new cell phone which is sweet because everytime i used my old one i would bitch that it was a piece of shit. but not this new one.... its sexy silver sleek.

on to come... new years.

i am still recovering from a headache that is like 3 days straight its cool though

went to some house party out in the suburbs and it was good but there was like 3 countdowns or some shit and then i fell asleep. woke up at my friends house and went home with bitch. on the way home we bought more beer and spent like 8 bucks on bacon because the grocery store was closed for some stupid reason but whatev so we went back home and continued to drink and when you are hung over to begin with you get trashed at ultra speed so i was hammed by 1:30 yelling 2006 MUTHAFUCKER YEAR OF THE BACON because we cooked that bacon but i do not even remember eating it and i talked to some people but i do not remember and bitch was getting annoyed with me so he kept telling me to shut up and drink my beer or he was going to dump it so i drank it quick and then i fell asleep and that was his plan for me to shut up. he can be a cunning little shit though stupid at times (like losing his wallet on the bus).

i woke up hung over bad the next day and did nothing. bitch went to work and i watched tv all day grabbing at my pounding head. it is still pounding but i think it is trying to rebuild all those memory things i seemed to have lost due to that weekend. good times!!@#!

effing the gang bang

-for those who are not knowing i was born in surrey. many people when hearing the word surrey they cringe because they instantly visualize car thefts, really ugly and cheap hookers and just overall badness. not all surrey is bad but it does have a reputation. it taught me to swear when i was 6. actually i just repeated my parents. my parents i love. they just like to swear. so i developed the love of swearing. but i credit it to surrey. i joke around that i came out of the womb saying "fuck that hurt" but that was because i was born breech (sp?) but that is a whole different story for a different time. this time it is about swearing.

at christmas time retail stores go and hire massive amounts of people for christmas. so crapland has been infected with all these people who are new. i dislike new people... well not all of them just the ones who make themselves way to comfortable on their first day (ie. hey buddy hows it going? where you from what do you also do in spare time wanna go for drinks some time whats your name by the way?) i dislike those people. i do not need new friends, especially ones still in high school unless you are cute then maybe i will plug you from behind while you are grabbing some khakis off the floor but again that is not friendship that is me just taking care of an itch. anywayanyway i like to make the ones i dislike uncomfortable. using words like fuck shit asshole douche bag and the conjunction of the two words 'gang bang' do wonders for peoples level of comfort. my manager pulled a bunch of us aside and said she is putting in place a language policy in the back room because one of the new hires complained that she was uncomfortable.

**
manager: so someone complained that she was uncomfortable about the use of bad language in the back room (keep in mind we are watching the family guy on the tv in the back room while she is saying this...).

me: so fucking what...

manager: so we have put in place a language policy

me: your shitting me

manager: so we can not say things like that

me: whatever just fire the bitch then... i mean your gonna let her go anyway at the end of christmas.

manager: it is because we care about peoples levels of comfort. so no more rap with bad language and no more dvds with inapproriate words and no more swearing.

me: this is bullshit

manager: (looks at me all stern like)

me: well just you wait you will have a fucking mutiny on your hands... (as i walk away)
**

i banged my elbow the other night and uttered SHIT as a manager walked by

me: FUCK I DIDNT MEAN TO SWEAR.. oh shit i did it again... oh gawd damn it i can not stop. (i proceed to laugh)

she just walked away clearing her throat. hah.

for some reason the managers have a certain level of tolerance with me and i can get away with insulting-verbal-murder. i think it is because they know i will call them on stupid shit (meaing i have a back bone in life). but i also think because some of them swear worse then me so they can not scold me for my mouth. i should have been fired long ago but i guess they also see that i am good at what i do but i am just 'inappropriate' at times and turn the blind eye or deaf ear or whatev is the proper term.

i sorta get off in a weird way on being mildly insubordinate...

i am currently on a mission to find the bitch that is all uncomfortable and break her spirit in the most possible way without swearing. i think gestures of fellatio and cunnilingusuguslinggus will do the trick and then just deny everything claiming she is mental mutant with an horrible and slanderous imagination

boxing thank you

-when i was all little and crazy i would be a massive ball of energy several days before christmas. i would sit by the tree and gaze at it all excited like and just unable to sleep until christmas. over the years that excitement has been slowly robbed and stolen away with retail. i normally enjoy retail as most of the year people are all nice like with the exception of the odd asshole or twat who thinks you are 1000 leagues below them. i can deal.

at this time of year though, the majority of you shoppers out there are assholes. inconsiderate pricks. selfish. and out right nasty.

you all seem to forget that people in retail are there to serve you. to help your shopping experience a bit easier. but you all seem to use us as your emotional punching bags because you are pissed off that the mall is so bloody full of shoppers. it aint my problem so lay off.

me: did you want a gift receipt with the sweater?

customer: yes. and NO TAX. and give me a box?!
(i love the deliberate non-use of please and thank you)

me: unfortunately we ran out of boxes for sweaters... all i have are these small ones?

customer: you HAVE to be kidding me!?!?!

me: (raises eyebrow) ma'am i am sure i can find better things to humor you with other than the size of my box...

customer: welll.. I DONT WANT THAT!!! just give me a paper bag then!!!

me: sure thing. by the way merry christmas!
...
see i do not understand.

if you people are that adamant to go shopping even though you are a complete douche bag do us a favor and go drown yourself in some medicated happy pills and then come see me. you will be more entertaining.

i know that will not happen and being in retail i need to just grin and bare it so i will still wish you a merry christmas even though most of you do not even deserve the time of day as i fantasize about stabbing you in the throat with my name tag.

i can not wait until boxing day. i get to work 9am to 6pm.
good times.

again.... merry christmas!

hippawhatdefuck

-i am not sure where the hell i have been for the last many years that apparently this song has been out but i am quite fucking annoyed with that bloody hippo christmas song. i have never heard this song before at least that i do not remember and if i had it did not stick in my memory drawers but this year this song is rampant and driving me nuts. to further my craziness bitch has made it apart of his voicemail. needless to say bitch has not received a voicemail from me in ages due to the fact i hang up after three rings as i can not hear that silly cow scream that she want a hippopotamus for christmas and not rhinocerasususus and on and on.

i would rather hear dominik the italian christmas donkey over and over again... and that song is shit.

pictoral interlude - spilling the cheer

-i am knowing the pictures are like of the same people over and over again but i love those girls something fierce. dey my sistas!

bare foot beauty remix

-bitch and i went to some christmas party on saturday night which was at our friends ameta's place. if you scroll down to the pictoral interlude that is ameta with big red hair. anywayanyway sooo much fun. white girls sucks because when you tell them you want a fierce photograph they can not pull one out for the life of them. a black girl can be pull fierce off even if she's puking. i loved this party. i have not downloaded pictures yet but i will and there will be another pictoral interlude. some highlight:
*drowning in ameta's breasts
*having wine spilt all down my shirt and socks
*bare foot the rest of the night
*passing out
*waking up to find that ameta's three year old took advantage of my sleeping person and gave me a make over with blush, eye shadow and everything. i was the belle of the ball on the skytrain at 7:30am the next morning in my hung over state. that shit is hard to get off.

-i went shopping yesterday and i was in chapters buying stuff and when i was in line i saw on the 'impulsive buyers shelf' (the shelf right by cash that you look at while waiting in line) and i saw a cd called holiday classic remixed. it looked alright and i purchased it. it is an amazing christmas cd. everyone should go buy it. seriously... its all sorta classic songs redone with a bit of jazzyier feel and looped differently and just overall good. if you are tired of hearing the same ol christmas songs you will love it.

pictoral interlude - gathering of the models top

cutest girl i have ever seen...

macadamian perspiration

-stressful times. i had like a miniture breakdown at work. it was sexy. my skin gets all red and scratchy looking when i get all not so nice stressed. i eagerly await this holiday season to be over well at least when people have all flown to their little tropical destinations and leaving me alone and then when they are coming back it will be my turn to go away and bitch and i are going to hawaii. sexy huh.

-last night, and i have no idea why, but i was all sweaty and i am not sure what spurred the sweatyness other than that i was hot from the blankets but anyway i woke up and i was so sweaty i thought bitch or myself pissed the bed. i was lying there at like 3am sniffing. it smelt weird but i think that may have been bitch. he sleeps nude. i personally can not because when i wake up i want to smoke and having to dress myself is just a process i can skip by not sleeping nude.

-when i was eating dinner at my parents i could not help but notice my little brothers arms. HUGE. when he was in high school he got picked on quite bit because kids in the school systems are mean assholes to people who are different but anyway he figured out that if he worked out he would not get picked on. he did not but that was because he was caught holding some kid up by the neck against a locker simply inquiring why the kid was bothering him. at the point people left him alone. anyway he has kept working out as my parents bought him weights and stuff since he actually showed an interest in something (autistic kids show interest in few things but when they do they are incredibly and freakishly knowledgable about that interest). so at dinner i was picking on him...

...fucking kid hauled off and nailed me something fierce.
mind you i did egg him on as his first punch totally missed so i was all COME ON FREAK HIT ME HARDER YOU BITCH and then he did just that.

snowing pricks

-i am at my parents today because my mom wanted dave i mean bitch to come over to have dinner because my mom has done all these renovation type things but i am just here for the free home cooked dinner and we are having meat loaf. i love meat loaf. my little brother was wathcing tv with us as we were discussing something and just randomly asked WHAT IS A PECKER?! my mom and i laughed because we did not know how to answer. it was so funny. so after we finished laughing my mom said ITS YOUR PRICK and he asked what a prick was. autistic kids are fucking hilarious.

-its snowing outside and i love it but i say i hate it but i do not because when it stops i have that little voice that moans OHHHHHHHH.

blip blop

-since bitch has been out of work funds have been low and ya and today i just got paid and after i pay what needs to be paid like bus transfers, cell phones, msp, and rent i have 120 left to my name. depressing.

-i have started painting again. in high school i was a massive art student. at one point i had art12, visual art 2d, visual art 3d, and creative design all in one day. it was fun. i even had the same teacher the whole day. she was the one who introduced me to salvador dali. i heart ms. elliott. my paint skills suck but that is okay since this is the second painting i have done in five years so to me not so bad but whatev. i will post the first one when i take a picture.

i call this 'the emination of animosity'... i dunno. i like making shit up.

urination examination

-buildman richard has no life and i am guesing that is a pre-requisite for being a building manager... OKAY OKAY OKAY DO WE HAVE A JOB FOR YOU>!> NOW YOU CAN SPEND ENDLESS HOURS WATCHING VIDEO SURVELIANCE OF THE SURROUNDING PERRIMETER OF THIS BUILDING... OKAY.. AND YOU WATCH IT. THATS IT> THATS ALL YOU DO?!?!! WHAT DO YOU SAY?!?! and then boring people who like watching tv must be all up on this and take that job. building man richard busted me urinating out by the front door on some saturday at 4:30am. i was drunk. neh. the funny thing was he made me come into his apartment and watch the video. i tried to act serious and remorseful but i chuckled because i was trashed. even trashed though i still checked myself out in the lobby mirror. i was cute. drunk yes but always vain. in actuallity i have no ill wish against bulding man rich because i should not be urinating at the front of my building at 4:30am especially when my bathroom is an elevator ride away but whatev. i learned my lesson.

urinate on the side of the building.

that and i need to purchase a dictionary. phsh.

day 32

dear diary... (aka err skwirl)

i love your place. it looks so nice and comfortable. i am sitting here typing to you while listening to sex and the city in the background. your area of living is interesting. ahh lynn valley.

at 11:00pm i had a craving for genoa salami. you know me and my salami... but at least i weened my self from parmasean salami because that shit does not get me laid because it smells nasty. anyway so i went to your local grocery store and the deli man was old and grumpy. i guess he does not like slicing meat at 11:00pm. i slice meat anytime i can. anyway i asked for 200g of genoa and he groaned or grumbled i am not too sure because he was not facing me. he made a quick slice and held it out to me. in surrey that means HERE HAVE IT so i went to grab for it. i am guessing in lynn valley it is meaning something different because as i reached for it he yanked it away and grumbled or groaned and did this big ol huge ol sigh and handed it back. i ate it quickly saying MMMM and he proceeded to slice me meat. he was weird and a gawd damn grumpy ass... i am sorry i am not accustomed to grocery store ways here.

i like the air here too. it smells fresh. it puts me in shock. i lit a smoke to balance my internal universe. i coughed but it was because i swallowed a bug.

i went to cross the street when i was coming home from the grocery store and i waited at the stop light for it to change the color of stop. it did. the only thing was that cars did not stop well not cars just a station wagon full of teens did not stop. a station wagon sped through the intersection and a red light. i am glad i was too busy fussing with my genoa to step out or else i would have been genoa myself.

other than that i love it here. your cats are cute but apparently they have issues with your computer because everytime i go to type the orange top sits in front of me and meows and then goes to my backpack and paws at it. the dark anti-social one paws at it too but i think he just does it to be cool. hah. bottoms are like that. i should know...

i should go because samantha is fucking that hawt blond guy and my drink is empty.

<3

-skwirlkeeper

ps-your tub is my oasis. i did not use it but i almost slept in it! :)

dusking durational frustration

-some high beings are having a great time with me because ever since the incident on sunday at gwen stefani and getting kicked out for NO REASON i am always waking up with random gwen songs stuck in my head and i have not even heard her music because i am no listening to her cd. i have not heard her on the radio and shit. it is weird. today it was luxurious or whatever it is called. see i am not even that big of a gwen fan but the whole event on sunday just is pissing me off so now each morning i am all ARGHAAHRGHAGH and am ready to kick ass. i am not liking this feeling and i want a resolution from security head man but he is not returning my calls because he is busy but that is okay because i sit by a phone all day long at my desk so i am repeatidingly calling him until i get some answers. i am a good thorn.

-i had a dream last night that i was going to hawaii. i have been working my ass off lately and i am just tired. no wonder i fall asleep everywhere. when i woke up and realized i am not going to hawaii and with some stupid fucking gwen song stuck in my head i wanted to shoot myself in the face. instead i got ready for work.
::sigh::

a joke:

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them.
Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls.
To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy,
"Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

taken from: http://www.ebaumsworld.com/

grabbing beer and sleep

-so gwen was a bust. bitch and i got kicked out. apparently at some point when we were at the concert watching mia 4 people came and spoke with us saying we can not buy more beer and if we did we would get kicked out. that never took place. i never saw these four people before. so when bitch and i went to buy another beer while waiting for gwen we were tackled and dragged outside being informed that we were warned. i explained that they must have had the wrong people because i had never spoke with any security what so ever. they did not listen and kept throwing dave and i around. it was completely unfair and unjust needless to say i am awaiting a call from the head of security because we missed the concert.

what angers me even more that there was this one chickypoo who was all up in my face saying I WAS THERE WHEN THEY LAST SPOKE WITH YOU! they did not seem to grasp the fact that i had not spoke to anyone. we had only been there for like 30 minutes just. i was not trashed after one beer that i could not remember a fucking conversation with 4 security guards. when i spoke with the head of security apparently there was no record of it in the log book. so you mean to tell me you physically throw 2 people out that you have apparently also warned and there is no record of this?!? how.? they screwed up bicthes foot as well and i even tried telling them to ease up on him becasue of his foot but they only seemed to take that as a sign to be even rougher.

the night got better...

on the way home waiting for the bus some homeless bitch came up and started putting her hands in bitchs pocket. bitch was like GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME and she then comes to me and is staring at me and i was all F! OFF!!@# and she just stared and then the bus came and as i was stepping on the bus she reaches and grabs at my wallet and runs. she did not get my wallet but the cow jacked my bus pass!@

it was a great night.

last night i went to the stars concert. it was pretty good. i watched a bit and then fell asleep at the concert. sexy eh? i sleep where ever. i once fell asleep at a janes addiction concert. i was angry about that one.

i always fall asleep...

dun gon bucky don gone

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

client x

-dear client x...

i am unsure what has happened since we last spoke...

i can try and guess several reasons of your complete mood shift:

-you had a sudden inspirational move to the side of becoming a friendly drunk,
-you decided you like men and have seen how utterly attractive i am and realized getting close
to 'tap' this requires respect and friendly talk
-you have dislodged whatever was stuck up your extremely tight anus
or
-that you merely realized you were treating people like complete shitheads for no reason and saw that you were getting no where with such an attitude.

whatever the reason i am implore you to keep it up because dealing with you the last several days has become 200% easier and more enjoyable especially when you crack jokes about stupid you can be... well, it makes my heart smile that there are such internal realizations happening within yourself. i do look forward to booking your flights in the future.

however if you decide to take on the roll of 'absolute dick head' again i implore you to deal with someone else as i will resort back to yelling and screaming outright offensive names in long run on sentences that make no sense... after i hang up with you.

<3
-j

disliking narcissistic nostalgia

-i dislike winter. i dislike being cold. i dislike having to robe up just to go out for a morning smoke. it is an uncomfortable cold. the type where it feels as though my nipples will fall off. i dislike that. i miss the days of summer. waking up and just going out in shorts and smoking. and while smoking tending to the nasty burn i got from the beach. then drinking first thing because it is refreshing not because i am trying to warm myself. i like summer because it is cheaper on the wardrobe aspect. i dislike having to layer. it is hard to look sexy when you have three layers of hoodies on and flannel lined jeans. mind you it could be worse... i could live out east. but regardless i dislike cold... and it has not even snowed yet and i am disliking this already. i need to move to oahu.

-i am going to go see gwen stefani this weekend. i am pretty excited. i am actually more excited to see MIA preform as her opening act but i am sure gwen will put on a good show.

-i have nothing to really say this early this morning so i am just going to roll with the narcissistic theme. this is me and bitch or bitch and i. whatev.

lists without vests

-it is being that time of year that the parental units are requesting my want list for christmas and it always reminds me of when i was little and i would sit in front of the toys r us catalogue and write down all the video games and then stay awake all christmas eve night excited about the video games i was going to get and then wake up to find that 'santa' left me a vest that i would not even doing any wiping of my ass with let alone wear but 'santa' has gotten better and leaves me video games now... sad that it took almost 18 years before that old prick realized that he has a shitty fashion sense.

so i have to write my list but then i always have to weed out the stuff that i think 'santa' would frown upon. 'santa' is a little up tight and conservative in terms of sex toys and lube so i think i will just pass the rejects to housewife bitch(who still has not folded the laundry) and see what he comes up with.

thumping housewives

-so it is day 13 of bitch being stuck inside. he has hobbled out and about but not for long. he surprised me at the grocery store last night. i was looking at wonderbread and he was suddenly there beside me crutch and all.
no wonder his foot is not healing.
i have labeled bitch... bitch is now housewife bitch. but he sucks as housewife bitch. i should re-cast the roll. housewife bitch does not have dinner for me when i get home, housewife bitch does not have a drink pre-made waiting for me when i get home, housewife bitch does not even fold the laundry that i did the night before. I WAS JUST WAITING UNTIL YOU DID ALL THE LAUNDRY AND THEN I WAS GOING TO SORT IT. hmm...
housewife bitch is even gaining a bit of extra handle-age. he says he is losing weight from sitting around but his logic is sounding like that of a non-productive housewife bitch who watches talk shows all day long. i can not say he is entirely non-productive because everyday he is doing moving of furniture but i have him change it back because i dislike constant change.

-i like shared laundry because i meet all these new people well i really do not like shared laundry because i have this weird paranoia that someone will steal my cool t-shirts but on the social aspect i love shared laundry and last night i met the girl who lives below us but i am questionable about her as she said she really likes building man richard and i felt like saying you trying living beside that old grumpy prick but i did not and just nodded. i complemented her on her bar-b-q chicken she was making last night because i was able to smell it when i was outside smoking. she thanked me. i then apologized to her for all the thumping and she stopped what she was doing and looked at me like OH SO THEY ARE CONSCIOUS OF ALL THE FUCKING THUMPING SOUNDS THEY MAKE and she even had her hand on her hip like my mother used to do when she was waiting for me to give her an excuse why i was smoking in her bathroom and i explained that my boyfriend broke his foot and he is not graceful with his cast and trips all over the place and then i liked her face because it was the look of I AM A STUPID COW because i think she was going to get all moody on my ass about the thumping but then felt sorry for bitch and his broken not proper foot issue. she became really sweet and even let me use the cheaper washing machine. she then asked if we are re-modeling the place because besides thumping she always hears stuff dragging around and i said that was bored housewife bitch moving stuff around. hah. i went back upstairs and told housewife bitch to stop moving shit around because the girl downstairs hates us. he believed me so at least i know i will come home to find the couch where it was this morning...

...but i know there still wont be a drink waiting for me. stupid housewife bitch.

furry carnage

-nothing of interest. it is all slow like in the office today so i have been finding myself staring out my window at the building across the way that has a big crane on top because they are extending more floors on the building and the crane machine is lifting huge barrels of cement or something and i am quietly wishing for the thing to drop the barrel from 25 stories up just to watch the carnage manifest below and give me something to entertain myself with...
so past stuff is about the best you will get.

12.30.o1
-i do not have much to say because i am not so talkity typey right now and my tend-on-eye-tis is hurting at my wrists again so what i will do is just put up a picture that many people have seen from me in the past but i still like the picture from the past because it is one of those GREAT photos that you find lying around somewhere that you are unsure of its mysterious origin. but this picture does not have mysterious origins like superman or something because these were actually my dads cats, but apparently they did not like eachother... i am thinking having no tail would make a cat a pretty angry jaded cat because then you can not always land on your feet when you fall from balconys or stuff and having other cats always walk around flipping their tails at you as you stare in jealousy at how they can stealthy use their tail to drop hair sheddings into the owners morning coffee. yes i am thinking that would be some serious issue material to walk around with being a cat which would lead to jump attacks on cats with tails...

quote

"I always take care to distinguish between maniacs and crazy people. A maniac will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo. A crazy person will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo, but he'll be wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time."
-George Carlin

i love this shit...

chicken bat stew

-i guess when your foot is all not proper and you are stuck inside and nothing to do but watch tv that is riddled with tyra talk shows with drag queens impersonating said tyra and maurey doing DNA tests proving that one man was the father of one of your twins but the other twin was fathered by another person (which is absolutely fucked meaning, chicky poo did the dirty wit' her ol man n than gone out and banged her a nudder kid and both of dem der sperms met up and won the fight together makin twin babyz wit seperate daddies!@# yeehaw.) for a week straight, that it is bound for you to go stir crazy at the first onze of alcoholic intake. we had friends keenan and jer over and we were going to go to a festival of animation but we started drinking and realized we had missed the show time so we drank more and played poker and bitch became uber-obnoxious-drunk-handicap-man... but it did not effect his poker skills because he ended up winning most of the money but then promptly walked (sans crutch... ::rolls eyes::) to the bedroom, shut the door and started groaning super loudly. what the F?! it was bizarre. i slept on the couch because 1)it is comfortable 2)i was pissed that bitch kept throwing my smokes around the room and 3)bitch kept groaning in his drunken sleep. he needed to get out of the house so we walked to the beer and wine store the next day.

-thanks to keenan and jer for the new lights!@# and sorry keenan that bitch lacks all patience and could not wait but HAD to have the light installed right away. i appreciate the blantent use of your extreme towering height. we will attempt spike and mikes again.

- pootie tang...sad da tay!@#

mmm hmmm

-i just _love_ sarcasm. tote on the sarcasm. especially unwarranted sarcasm. when you ask somebody a question and you just get a spoonful of sarcasm just running over the sides and not one single bit of an answer to your question. I fucking <3 IT!@#!

puffy pictoral past

-so that is a picture of all the stuff we got at ikea for the low low price of 588.00 CAD. bitch is not from ikea. he is from cloverdale. i did not buy him. if i did i would have returned him by now but i did not so i guess i have to love him.

-since nothing exciting of recent to talk about i like to post shit from the past:

11.11.o1-so my eyes are fine(prescription has not changed) and then that leaves a mystery type thing on my hands. where do the headaches come from. who knows is my main thought so i do not know where to start with this headache mystery but it is not a major mystery since the headaches are not so all the time anymore and ya, but i am still curious. before the doctor of eyes worked his eye doctoring kung fu, his lil reception lady that worked out front did this thing where i put on these really bad plastic glasses and she asked me which of the dots on this page where jumping out. i did not see any jumping dots so i guessed... and i won because i got both right so she thought i was normal. the only thing was, i did not see dots doing tricks so i guess in reality i am not so normal as the reception lady thought. then she turned evil and made me stick my chin in this resting thing and had me stare at this green star thingy through these goggles and then PUFF a big blast of air shot onto my eyeball. she giggled because i jumped which is silly because you think she would see people jump from that all the time and she would learn not to giggle but she giggled. i then thought maybe she does not do this to everyone, only to people who lie about the the jumping dots. so i figured she knew i guessed at the jumping dots and that i was not so normal and my punishment was blasts of air on my eyeball. i did not like that so much. evil reception bitch with her (supposed) jumping dots...

(note: that was last time i went for a eye exam. i should probably go get another one as i seem to be frowning alot and i am getting these lines on my forehead that do not go away and i really am not wanting botox at 25.)

bitches for el lunes incognito

-a couple of items of business to be getting off my chest because today so far has licked ass in the not-good-first-date way:

1) to client x:
it is not my fault your attention span is that of a 3 year old in front of a television while i was discussing flight options for you. it is not my fault you did not hear me verbalize the date of departure several times. it is not my fault that you replied to my email with the departure dates as discussed over the phone and said YES PLEASE BOOK. so when you call me to inform me in a not so nice way that i booked you on the wrong flight on the wrong day it is not my fault my friend so i ask that you please do two things: first... kiss my big white un-groomed ass and second... goto aircanada.com and book it your fucking self then.!@#! but then who would you have to blame when you fuck up. i will let you figure that out yourself.

2)to all the umbrella toting un-intelligent whores:
in vancouver it rains. we are the rain forest of north america. if you are a native to vancouver then this should be practical information for you and not so surprising. with this knowledge should come the knowledge of USAGE OF UMBRELLAS. if you have an umbrella it is not meant to be used undercover... let the fools who do not own one walk undercover. if you have an umbrella it is not meant to express your presonal mood as you walk down the street with a hop to your step and when feeling ultra cute deciding to spin it in a playful way... you are just pissing off the people around you as you are spraying them with water. if you have an umbrella and see that someone is coming towards you one as well about the same height... at least make an effort to lift yours out of the way so crossing the street does not turn into a nylon verson of bumper cars with metal spokes poking people in the fucking head. umbrellas are useful but you also need to understand the etiquette of one. side note: to the 5-foot nothing asain who looks like she weighs about 90 pounds soaking wet with a parka on.... you do not need a huge golf umbrella nor should you walk with your head down as you cross the street at a busy downtown intersection at 8:30 in the morning because next time i will just do the same and our weight difference will knock you on your ass first that way i will not have to experience dodging your gawd damn umbrella early in the morning knocking into some poor lady who i did not see making me look like the bad person.

i saw a sign at the skytrain the other day and it said something like HOW DO YOU UNWIND FROM A STRESSFUL DAY AT WORK? SIT DOWN WITH A GLASS OF WINE?... PUNCH YOUR SPOUSE... heh.
i like alternatives.


i am done.

velvety dead raisin (was:swedish said so)

-so bitch and i went shopping at ikea with the help of friend keenan. hi keenan i say hi because i know keenan is one of the only few that actually reads my tripe but hi keenan. bitch and i got a new sofa, coffee table, side table, a table lamp and a closet organizer thing so i am not having to jump to the top shelf everytime i need to wear a t-shirt which is pretty hard when you are hung over as balance and eye-hand coordination are not particularily sharp. i like my sofa. bitch took a bit of getting used to the color (which i describe as Velvety Dead Raisin) but whatev he did not seem to mind it this morning as i was leaving to work and he was lying on it with his cast. when we got to my apartment we had a bit of a struggle getting it in again due to poor building design ..

[side story:] i was all exciting doing some laundry on friday night and i met person named darcy who just moved in as well and i learned that she had to get rid of her couch too as it did not fit. interesting. if any of you need a sofa just come to my building as there seems to be an abundance of sofas that are too big.[end side story]

.. and lo and behold buildingman richard must have been watching his secuirty cameras as he was right down the stairs and opens the door in the lobby at the first sign of a struggle with the furniture DINT CHOO MEZSHA BEFORE YOU BOUGHT COWCH i told him politely yes and we eventually got the gawd damn thing in. we went and drank immediately.

i am happy about the couch because now i can have people over and not have to pretend we are into contemparary japanese furniture design and believe it is more comfortable to sit on the ground because it is not and watch extreme make over home edition and laugh as a person with no legs and no arms wrestles a person with all limbs and person with limbs actually loses to the amputee. it was funny in that creepy i-wonder-if-he-can-fist-someone-with-those-stumpy-stumps type way.

thanks again keenan.

updating the cow

-so bitch update. no surgery. just broken or fractured or something not good. it requires him to be in a walking cast for 2-6 weeks. nice huh? only bitch. i bet you the alarm clock he tripped on still works...
i was going to go out tonight but i think instead i will stay in and drink myself silly amusing myself as i pinch his bum foot and laugh as he tries to catch me but knowing my luck i will probably fall on the same gawd damn alarm clock on the floor that caused this whole mess mind you that would make for some hawt sex with us both in foot casts...

triple sow cow

-bitch... what am i to do with bitch. bitch is not a gymnist nor an acrobatic. he is bitch. he complains that i do not refer to him as dave. there ya go dave... your moment of shining brightness... he is DAVE. but lets get back to bitch. last night i was working at theGAPland doing my denim thang and on my break i decided to call bitch since i knew he was at home with my bottle of rum and i wanted to call and check in to ensure that rum has not 'dissappeared'. i call... no answer. i decided to be annoying and called again... no answer. i called again this time it is answered by bitch whining about his foot. apparently after the second call he got up to grab the phone and ran and jumped over a pile of laundry and landed on an alarm clock hiding under some dirty towels. i thought nothing of it and he just whined a bit and ya. so i go home after work he is still hurt. we go to bed he is still in pain and this morning still more pain. he is now at St. Pauls emergency awaiting results of a xray on his foot but apparently he has fractured some lil funky bone and they might need to do surgery. poor bitch. i just got a text message from him that said "I DONT WANT SURGERY <3"... poor bitch...i hope he realizes this does not mean i have to pamper his ass... foot or no foot i want my coffee in the morning!!@#!

supreme meeses of leisure

-my life is pretty non-exciting. this fact was validated by my levels of excitement when the ACCOUNTANT MAN in my office just bought me a new optical mouse. my other one was always getting dirty and not moving the way it was supposed to and so one day out of frustration i slammed it down and it stopped working. i killed it but i did not take responsibility so i said it just gave up in life and ACCOUNTANT MAN said okay and came in this morning with a new one... and here i am excited about this. sad...
since i am having nothing exciting to type about i will share an all-brilliant quote from mr. all brilliant himself, George Carlin:
"If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is the kind of stuff you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. In any well-managed universe, this guy would have been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago."

-in other news, my mother unit being one of the best mother units out there plus a mother unit with a pocket of substantial change because of an estate, she was feeling bad about the couch situation, has given bitch and i a gift card to ikea to go buy a new couch. so i am going to ikea with bitch on sunday. mind you i was getting used to the cushions on the ground and laying the all out and lying on them as if they were on a couch. i called the COO-SHONS sorta like futon but with cushions and i was actually willing to make it the next best furniture design but that quickly dissappeared as i saw this gift card to ikea... the COO-SHONS will have to wait for the time being or until i somehow do not have a couch again next time i move.

wall chunks and ceiling dust

Oct.29 @ 8:10pm

**KNOCK KNOCK**

I DONT HAVE DE KEY... I DO NOT HAVE DE KEEEY!@# IT IS A WITTLE WATE TO BE MOVING NO?!@ YOU HAVE ONE OWA that was my new building manager richard. from that moment we have been on a bit of shaky ground. mind you our first encounter was much friendlier and took place about 8 hours prior to this.

it was when bitch and i first got the keys and went to go check out our apartment again before moving everything in. when we got off the elevator on the 2nd floor there was this strange looking old asain guy with his hand extended and a wooden wedge in his hand. DIS FO YOU WELL NOT FO YOU BUT FO DOUGH!@# I WANT ON SUNDAY?! bitch and i were a little confused but then the strange looking old asain guy said his name was richard and he is the building manager. he proceeded to show us the storage and laundry room and garbage room etc and the whole time rambling about wives who were married to alcoholics and other random people living in the building. he seemed nice yet creepy since he has cameras for security reasons that are wired into his place so he can see what is going on in the common areas of his building. he even showed us. he was strange but nice in that strange looking old asain guy way. we left to start moving boxes and everything was good.

then i had to go into surrey to get the moving truck which wasnt until 5:30 because mr man who had it before us decided to take his sweet time with it and then proceed to bitch about the amount he was owing for his rental. needless to say at 8:10 buildingman richard was not happy about my time frame. when he cracked the door open i tried to do my best explaining but being the strange looking old asian guy that he is... well he is also rude and shut the door. with an hour to do our move we tried our best and basically did it on time except for my couch. it did not make it in because it was too big and since it was too late to be moving we figured it was too late to start trying to do something with it over the balcony. so i have no couch. i kept the cusions to sit on but i would prefer a couch.

that night dave and i celebrated with friend anika about our new domain and stuff and i burnt my lip on a hawt knife. it was fun except for the burning part. that sort sucked..
regardless we are moved in and loving the new place. it is still a little strange and i can not help but think... what have i done... especially since yesterday bitch left a 'honeydolist'. i almost shit myself in shock and disgust.

the next day:
AH SO WHAT YOU DO WITH COUCH THAT DID NOT MAKE IT IN? (enter strange looking old asian guy laugh) buildingman richard sees everything and knows everything apparently and stinks like old rice and mothballs.