-so last night i worked at crapland for a total of a 3 hour shift which is so not worth my effort but at this point i am not complaining i guess because i need to save for hawaii and i am so excited for that shit it is not even funny. but anyway while i was working i noticed some new tacky ass shorts that i have not seen yet which is probably because they are new but i just do not know how new because i do not work like everyday there (thank gawd) and anyway i saw these shorts and i loved them and i tried them i loved them more and then i bought them and i justified it as i do not want to wear the same tacky camo shorts all 8 days so now i have two pairs of shorts to go back and forth with while i am down there
since i am a short puke they are actually way past my knees than that chicken legs in the picture. but either way i love them.
-yesterday bosslady bought us lunch and i had a muthafuckin 8oz New York sirloin steak for lunch... how do you fuckin vegies like that! it is weird eating steak out of a plastic container though.
-i was supposed to work tomorrow during the day at crapland but i pawned my shift off so i totally can sit at home and drink and play resident evil 4 which i totally beat last week (i have had it since christmas but i just recently started playing it) but after beating the game it unlocked like 3 sub games and i almost shit my pants i was so excited because i was sad that i had beaten it and then CLINK unlocked more... loves it. so i am going to be all lame and do laundry and get drunk playing video games. somewhere in there i am sure i will have to pet and pretend to love bitch but i can do that shit in my sleep! also i love the fact of waking up all HO'd and then bitch has to goto work and i am all like shitty to be you bitch and he is all FUCK YOU and leaves and doesn't even give me a kiss or a tylenol!?!? stupid bitch
-so for today and tomorrow i am playing the part of reception-bitch in my office again because our receptionist is off doing something non-work related but apparently medical related and needed 2 days off whatev. it is funny because this is where i started off in this office as reception-bitch(ex-tro-din-air) and then moved to travel bitch. i enjoy being a travel bitch but hello laziness i forgot what this reception thing meant which is like nothing to do and i sit here and all boggled at how much blawging i could do if i were still reception bitch seeing as that my computer is not facing my boss from the front here and i would be able tote ramble anytime i wanted with little waffs of hungover breath and none would be the wiser except for the people i talk to on the phone because they would know my voice and if they hear me all low voiced they would be like ARE YOU HUNG OVER and i would reply HEYYYY LAADDIEESS and then i would get fired. so it is probably better i am not at reception any more but i will enjoy the next two days. ooooo like right now i get to go deliveries of tickets for people who work downtown. i have not done this shit in ages. i heart it. this is where i go walk around and drop off stuff and then shop and sit down at the art gallery and smoke because that is what people who do not work and are cool and stuff do... i stick out though and the non-working smokers know right away i am a working person who is just being lazy smoking on the steps rather than working and then they look at me but i am like WHATEV because at least i do not have to beg people for my smokes oh and have i mentioned i am going to hawaii in 67 days... lets see a non-working person pull that shit off.
-so i have established with bitch that is no longer allowed to say I DONT KNOW in our relationship. it boggles my mind how someone can make it through life thinking that that simple phrase is the saviour to all and every difficult question out there.BITCH WHERE ARE YOUR KEYS?...i dont know
BITCH WHERE IS YOUR WALLET?...i dont know
BITCH WHAT IS THIS ON YOUR JEANS?...i dont know
BITCH WHAT DID YOU JUST DO FIVE MINUTES AGO?...i dont know
BITCH HOW DO YOU MAKE IT THROUGH LIFE?...i dont know
seriously this kid says i dont know more than someone with alzheimers. i explained that i will not hear him say i dont know anymore and he asked what would i do if he did utter it and i said SLIT YOUR MUTHAFUCKIN THROAT and he understood.
i asked him yesterday where he put my keys he used to take the garbage out with and he looked and said I DONT... (at this point my eyes glaze over with fury and hate) QUITE REMEMBER EXACTLY WHERE I PUT THEM BUT I BELIEVE THEY MAY BE IN THE KITCHEN. they were not. they were in his jeans pocket. i give him credit because for a minute there i was sharpening my ever loved meat knife to run along his jugular.
-on the weekend we did not do much. it was good. though had a huge dinner for ameda and anika. we talked about getting banged by 10 guys in a row and how we should not work to achieve that dream but we can try for 3 in a row and then we talked about sending our children to africa to learn stuff rather than have them go to school in surrey and i was like BUT WE DO NOT HAVE KIDS and they were like we would if we got banged by 10 guys in a row and i was like WHY ARE WE REFERING TO SEX AS 'BANGING'...and then they left for some party to get it on with some black men. dave and i stayed up drinking playing video games. next day i went to work for 4 fucking hours on a saturday night but eneded up getting paid more than i what i was expecting so i bought a flat of beer. how cool is that a flat of beer. last time i bought a flat of something was when i went shopping at cosco and bought a shitload of canadian dry. needless to say sunday was a write off but a relaxed one at that. i have pictures somewhere... maybe tomorrow i will load them.
-so no go on tranfsering something about no hours blah blah and something about her wanting to 'build an environment that promotes customer service and wardrobing ....' i forget what else she said because i was all too busy trying to figure out what the fuck she meant by that comment and how that relates to me. anyway. i will continue to prode this and i will either make her give in, drive her crazy or stab the bitch.-last night i was all bored and shit at home and i had a couple of beers and as i was opening the fridge to get another i noticed that we for some unknown reason had an abundance of eggs in our fridge well not really abundance just like 7 which to me is alot since i rarely eat eggs and if i do they are one of two ways. scrambled covered in cheese and bacon or devil'd. i do not even know how to spell that but i love devil'd eggs. my aunt always made them for family functions and i would eat them all within the first 5 minutes of being there and i would feel like paul newman in cool hand luke after the hard boiled egg scene which is just repulsive... anywayanyway so i thought to myself SELF LETS MAKE SOME DEVIL'D EGGS and so i whipped them up. soo good... and i make them all special like. one batch was bacon onion ones and then i made ones with hot hot sause, chili peppers and again soo good. i ate a whole bunch with bitch when he came home and this morning everytime i flatulated it smelled like eggs. it was hawt.-i love this shit...
-since i am hating metrotown and all the lil underage asian tweens that do not pick up their feet when they walk and wear those i-know-this-is-blatently-a-fake-gucci-fanny-pack-that-i-picked-up-at-the-night-market-but-i-think-it-still-makes-me-look-cool-with-my-blond-long-girly-bangs-and-shaved-head and not that i am hating on them i am just driven crazy seeing these twelve year olds walk around like they are packing heat or even a big penis but we know they do not pack either of those, all they are packing is mommy's credit card but this is starting to become almost sounding racial and i am not trying for it to sound that way and trust me if i saw a white kid looking like that i would make fun of him too. but anywayanyway since i dispise metrotown i am going to pacific centre to see if i can transfer. i tried this before christmas but for whatever reason i got denied so i am going to go ask again and i know manager lady just came back from a long trip so with that knowledge i am going to be all OH HEY I HEAR YOU JUST CAME BACK FROM LONG VACATION WHERE DID YOU GO? HOW WAS THE FOOD? LOOKS LIKE YOU ENJOYED IT? DO YOU WORK OUT? YOU SHOULD! and see if i can transfer. i also want a transfer because i dispise riding the skytrain at 11 at night. not that i am all scared i just can not stand the people on the train. there was this lady who decided to sit by me one night and her breath was that of reeking vomit. i almost puked in her lap. after one stop i had to get up and move towards the door and it cool because the next stop was mine. well lady-puke-breath got up and stood behind me and breatheded in my direction and her vomit breath was bouncing off the door and coming at me. i turned and walked away to the other door. she stared at me like WHAT DO I SMELL and i felt like saying LADY YOU HAVE THE ABSOLUTE WORST FUCKING BREATH I HAVE SMELT but that might engage in a exchange of words and i could not handle her breath another second. i go to my bus stop. guess who is waiting for the same bus. i walked home...so ya... pacific centre would be better.
-so last week on friday i was all saying to myself SELF WE ARE GOING TO BE GOOD THIS WEEKEND because whenever i am like i am just going to go out tonight i am waking up somewhere weird with like 36 messages from bitch that range from wanting to know where i am, if i am alright, how he is going to look for me, how the relationship is so over, how he hates me, how he is going home and going to bed and how we will figure out the living situation later since one of us is moving out to saying i love you. phew eh. so i said I WILL BE GOOD so i went to friend ryans to watch some british comedy dvd set he bought but he tricked me and said he actually bought groceries rather than dvds and i was like NEH and watched tv with him then got tired and left and i called bitch and he was hanging out with pam, wendy, and krista who are like friends from crapland at this place called the bourbon. so i went and met them and the jagermeister(sp?) girl was adorable with her lil shot bullet sling case thing and so i kept ordering shots and we got hammered. hah. but we made home totally on our own accord. it has been awhile since i can say that.-it has been super busy in the office and i sent some many people to costa rica which is crazy ass and a bunch of my friends went down for a wedding and ya. i wish i was in costa rica....-my heart sank the other day and i almost freaked because i noticed the side of the mall where i go to get all my pants hemmed since rarely i find 28'in seam because i am short like that and ya was closed so i was all thinking WHERE IS STITCH INTERNATIONAL because they are super awesome eastern european women who sew like there is no tomorrow and when you ask for an original hem on your jeans they are like DYA NO PRAWB and i am like DANK KOO and they nod and we engage in talks about communism not really. anywayanyway i found them thankfully my eastern-european-sewing-ladies did not close down just move but i was talking with them and they are pissed because since the mall forced their move (the closed one whole side down of the mall for holt renfrew tio move over too which is just fucking nonesense) it forced a bunch of closures to the stores and fucked over lease agreements and now my ladies have to pay more for their space and they are so hidden away they say they have lost like half their business because of it. fuck that. if you need your pants or whatever hemmed or sewededed or whatever go to STICH INTERNATIONAL in pacific centre. Enter through the dunsmuir entrance and go towards the esculators by La Senza and Footlocker and then turn left towards Blendz coffee and they are in that little walk way. they are good shit people... and trust me lil short drunken pukes like myself now a good seamstress when we meet one since our wardrobe relies on one...
-last couple of days i am not liking life due to personal shit but then again i should be happy because yesterday it is all confirmed that bitch and i are going to hawaii... it is going be like the brady bunch goes to hawaii but instead of a family of incestuous children who whine and stuff it will just be two homos. i am excited though. we will be all leaving in may for about 8 days. 2 days in honolulu, 4 days in kapalua and then 2 days in kihea. i am seriously loving my job for the perks. so palm tress make me smile but right now i am not happy.
-then there was valentines day and i am one of those people that hates the day and i am not all like VALENTINES WAS CREATED BY CARD COMPANIES type of hate i just hate seeing some many googly eyed women walking around with roses and shit blabbing about how wonderful their man is while he is all probably at work having his assistant perform some massive blow job but ya the mushy shit pisses me off and plus bitch and i were not on good terms so friend shari came to the rescue and surprised me with chocolate and we told eachother that we are each others permanent valentines foreverever since we have been like for 10 years already. she rawks.
-you know how everybody who has a digital camera and a computer always take one of those self-taken-picture-using-the-bathroom-mirror shot and i did some realizing i am not cool because i do not have one of them shots. i am usually slow with the uptake so here is my self-taken-picture-using-the-bathroom-mirror shot.
it was actually sorta hard to get it right because i kept taking shots of my crotch and shit and i was like what am i doing whatev... actually i feel a little bit better after some random vanity.
-yesterday i was doing some work and i get a phone call in the office and it was bitch and he was all like is it your lunch yet and i said actually i am just biting my sandwich now and he asked if i wanted to eat it outside with him since he was on his lunch and it was actually nice outside so i had actually made 2 sandwichs for me because i love me them genoa salami sandwiches actually i just love genoa salami and i think it goes back to when i was a little boy my father unit would give me beer and salami which explains so much to me now being the raging drunk that i am and anywayanyway i love genoa oh actually when i housesat for friend skwirl she asked what i wanted for groceries and all i said was genoa and she like bought be 500grams of it and i ate all in one night. i heart salami. anywayanywayanyway met bitch downstairs i gave him my second sandwich and he had something behind his back and it was a rose for no reason just because he is cute and i was all OOOOO THANK YOU BABE but i sorta think i got the shit end of the stick because a rose does not equal genoa well at least not in my world... but its the thought i guess.-this morning i was on the bus on the way to work and my bus is usually a very busy one at 7:45 in the morning and when i got on i had to stand so i was standing and there was this guy who is always on the bus and is in a wheel chair and he is super nice and anyway he got off and since he got off that meant the fold up seat was available so i thought hey why not sit down so i go to pull the seat down and as i do my bag knocks into some other lady's bag and it was one of those huge leather bags the ladies are all about carrying and it was open and it just toppled over on to the floor. i was all OH SHIT I AM SOO SORRY and she picks up the bag and all this stuff falls out and i instinctivelyely bent down to help her pick her stuff up and then i saw a bunch of tampons and when i am saying a bunch i am like meaning 12 or something crazy and then i got embarrased for her and just said sorry and sat down while she picked up all her tampons because i personally do not care about tampons i am not like one of those males who is all OH MY GAWD WOMEN BLEED FROM THEIR VAGINA THAT IS SO GROSS i am all whatev but i think it would have been embarrasing for her so i took the road of me looking like an asshole rather than embarrass her because if i did help i am all sure and positive i would have said something inappropriate like WHOA HO WITH ALL THESE TAMPONS I AM GUESSING ITS A HEAVY DAY and then she would like cry or hit me or something so i just sat down instead.
-you know how there is that show called kids say the fucking stupidest things well i am thinking i am going to start a show called BITCH SAYS SOME STUPID SHIT because he does say stuff sometimes that makes me shake my head and laugh and think silly bitch
example 1:
we were having coffee the other night and i realized that we had run out of coffee cream and i say to him UM WE HAVE NO MORE CREAM and he says THAT IS OKAY I HAVE A BOX OF OVULATIONS and i was all like WHAT DID YOU SAY and he said OVULATIONS... WE CAN DIP THEM INTO THE COFFEE AND IT WILL TASTE GOOD. he then showed me the box of OVATIONS the chocolate stick things.
silly bitch
example 2:
one night i was feeling all rowdy and annoying so i started picking on bitch and i started grabbing and pulling hair from his body and he was getting all pissed and so i said okay i will stop so i pretend to stop and then i grabbed a strand of hair from his head and pulled and he snaps at me I AM STARTING TO GO BALD PLEASE DO NOT PULL THE HAIR ON MY HEAD BECAUSE I PRECIOUSESES THEM ALL. i laughed because he did not even know what was wrong with what he said. silly bitch
example 3:
on the weekend i was at home and bitch was working and when he came home he showed me this plant that he bought and i was like OOoooOh but it was fake because it was not that pretty of a plant actually it sorta looked like green onions with tiny white flowers at the top and anywayanyway he puts in the living room and as we are watching tv i was all WHAT IS THAT SMELL and i lean over and smell the flowers and i am like THESE THINGS FUCKING SMELL LIKE URINE and he was like WHAT LET ME SEE so he gets up and smells them and he says NO NO NO THEY DO NOT SMELL LIKE URINE THEY SMELL LIKE THOSE TABLETS IN URINALS.... and he was serious on his correction. silly bitch
either way they smell like something associated with urine. they are outside now....
i can go on but i am thinking i do not need too...
i just do remembering of how good looking he is and it makes everything all better.
-so i went shopping with friend shari yesterday and she was telling me how one of her friends ran into this girl we all knew from high school and when we were in high school she would tell us all about raves and we were like YA RIGHT FREAK and then we ended up going to one and loved it but that is what the e does makes you love everything and then she was always like I TOLD YOU BUT I AM TRYING TO GET OUT OF THE SCENE BECAUSE EVERYONE IS DOING IT all ellitest like and we were like YA WHATEV DO YOU HAVE DRUGS and then we all sorta cleaned up and was like what a waste of time and when we looked back the said girl was still in the scene saying she was going to get out and anywayanyway so friend of shari ran into this girl and apparently she is still trying to get out of the scene and she is like pushing 200 lbs which obviously means at least she is drug free because you never see a fat raver on e and anyway during their conversation said girl turned to sharis friend and was all DO YOU KNOW JARED IS GAY and friend was all like YEAH HELLO WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN and she proceeded to talk about me and stuff and girl needs to get out more. ive been running homo rampant for like 3-4 years now comfortably and she is still gossiping about it. hah. stupid cow. it makes me eager for some high school reunion thing and they will all be expecting me to like fly into the auditorium with a rainbow cape and shit but i will dress up like a giant penis instead because there were quite a few slow kids in my class so at least a giant penis might tip them off in the right direction.
-i like to stare at things and observe and i normally laugh to myself which makes me look crazy and i think that coworker lady who sits in front of me thinks that too because i laugh periodically at random moments and i see her head pop up with an eyebrow all raised and i smile and she looks away. its funny... some observations:
-people who get into elevators with their cell phone and they are all HEY JOE YES WE NEED TO CLOSE THIS DEAL NOW AND I KNOW I KNOW ITS FRIDAY BUT WE NEED THIS SEALED... HELLO... JOE.. CAN YOU HEAR ME and then they do grumbling like stupid phone never works and i am just staring at them thinking to myself SELF THAT THERE IS A HUGE MENTAL DOUCHE BAG... i want to say HUGE MENTAL DOUCHE BAG YOU ARE IN AN ELEVATOR AND LAST TIME I CHECKED IT IS CONSTRUCTED OF STEEL WHICH NORMALLY CELLULAR PHONE RECEPTION IS UNABLE TO PENETRATE AND TO TOP IT OFF THE STEEL ELEVATOR IS USUALLY IN THE CENTER OF A BUILDING CONSTRUCTED OF THICK CEMENT WHICH LESSENS THE CHANCE OF THE RECEPTION MAKING IT THROUGH STEEL. but i just smile and laugh. good luck with sealing the deal douche bag. is douche spelt with an 'e' ...
-homeless people and their shoes. i like looking at homeless people seeing what type of shoes they wear. sometimes they are not wearing shoes so they must have really thick foot skin. but sometimes i look and they have shoe laces which impresses me but then i look at the back and it is either cut out or just folded in because they just slammed their foot in. sometimes it is velcro. i did not even know they make size 10 homeless people velcro shoes. but they do. homeless people and velcro shoes make me laugh. sorta like seeing an asain with a cowboy hat. do not know why it is funny but i still laugh.
when i was typing this and i typed velcro it made me all quiver because i did some remembering of when i was little
~~doodoo - enter flashback mode - doodoo~~
when i was in grade 4 or some small number elementary grade i remember my family was not well off so i had these pair of velcro shoes from k-mart or something like that and i did not mind them but i remember going to class and this kid named aaron who was like the 'popular kid' because he was all good in sports and stupider than shit and boasted about how he kicked a soccer ball right into this girls box you know the stuff that makes a grade 4 popular and he saw me with my velcro shoes and they were called 'dyna kids' shoes and he made fun of me at lunch and pushed me down and ripped my shoe off and through it across the field and i got my socks dirty because the field was wet. i went home and cried and said 'i wish i had nike's' but my mom used her famous line SON WISH IN ONE HAND SHIT IN THE OTHER AND TELL ME WHICH FILLS FIRST.. i am still not knowing what that means but i do know kids are fucking assholes.
-sometimes i think i am internet superstar and super famous and everybody hangs on my witty and creative words but then i wake up and realize that i am not famous and that i am not witty i am just some homo in vancouver that nobody likes to comment too but i still type because i need to waste time some how and ya but then sometimes i get smiles on my face because people write me to tell me they read me and like what i type because it makes them laugh. **
From : EVETTE
Sent : January 26, 2006 2:37:36 PM
To :
Subject : your hilarious blog
I am an incurable insomniac, so I have turned to my computer (recently) for solace. I found your site the other day--you are funny as hell!!!!!!!!! When I cant sleep, I read your old posts. You keep me laughing, because you tell a story like nobody else possibly could! THANK YOU!!!!
Evette
not sure if you even care about what I think,
but I thought I'd let you know anyway!**i thought that was sweet of evette to write me in her pain of insomnia which i find funny since she reads a blawg titled tales of the narcoleptic avenger. and please note that i did not alter that email she sent she actually did all that putting of exclamation marks!!!!!! HOLLA i wrote back and told her i care and said thank you words.
-so normally when i walk into the office on monday mornings bosslady is all like HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND MISSY?!? and i usually then go into a big long description about some crazy ass event like bitch losing his wallet 3 times in a weekend, encounters with building man rich, or about how knives got waved around in my face but today when i did the walking in hello all i said was I DID NOTHING THIS WEEKEND and she was all shocked that i did not have any story to tell her about and she almost look saddened or unless she has cramps but i do not know. but honestly i did nothing. i slept friday night away.saturday i did some working at GAPland and then came home had a beer and fell asleep and then sunday the mother unit came out with a new microwave for bitch and i and it is perfect because we had a real shitty one before that had this broken door ejector and i always would not stand in the kitchen when it was going because i just envisioned radiation pouring out of the hole and the thing would only make half assed bags of popcorn and i would get so upset with the stupid microwave because i know the radiation that leaked out could have helped make a better bag of popcorn but all i was getting was seeds and probably the beginning of tumor but this one allowed all the seeds to pop because it is a beautiful microwave. when she left i drank and fell asleep again. then bitch came home from work and i made some mean deep fried perogies because that is what i do i deep fry anything these days if i could i would deep fry sex but something about sever burns turns me off that idea anywayanyway we got stoned and i fell asleep totally forgetting to iron and shave so i had to wake up early this morning and so my alarm went off at 5:25am and bitch was all YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME and i ignored him and made coffee. i hate ironing in the morning.
-so last night i was all I AM DETERMINED TO FINISH SEASON ONE OF LOST and so when i got home i just started watching it and i was not impressed because it is more fun to watch when you are drinking and then as if the gawds were tuned in i get a phone call from bitch saying he has had a stressful days lets go get beer and i was all WELL I CANT WATCH LOST but i saw more priority in drinking.... i mean with bitch that is so we went to our lil favorite spot on commericial and drank a pitcher and HELLO they were watching LOST on the big screen in the restaurant. so we finished our beer and got a six pack for home and i continued to watch season one and dave went to bed and i stayed up but sleep was totally winning its battle as it always does and then i fell asleep and woke up at 1:00am and my boxers were wet and so was my t-shirt and i thought i had pissed myself and i felt the couch and it was not even wet so i was like WTF I HAVE TALENT I CAN PISS MYSELF BUT NOT GET THE COUCH SOAKED IN URINE and i was sorta proud and then i saw a beer can on the floor and i smelled my shirt and it was just beer i spilled when i fell asleep. i was sorta dissapointed.-i have decided that lost needs some gay people with hawt slow motion masturbation scenes becuase i know if i were on that island i would so sneak off and totally masturbate with the polar bears while thinking of jug fucking hurleys man breasts! HAH. i jest. ..you can tell life is all slow when i am still fucking talking about that shit show LOST.chachacha
-everyday i am taking transit and it blows but since i am not having a car well then its better than walking so every morning i am on the same bus and i recognize the same people and i just keep to myself but what i am not understanding are the people who do recognizing of you as well and feel since you take the same bus as them at the same time then for surely you have something in common to talk about but i disagree since lady you chew your gum like a mad cow which is a huge pet peeve, you dress like you are going to a club to pick up some 19 year old boy and all you do is bitch about the bus drivers and how you are thinking they have plotted a conspiracy to not pick you up which the more you talk to me i am starting to believe because you are fucking annoying. when i am having headphones in and i do not take them out when you walk up that means i would rather listen to my music first thing than talk to your bleach blond ass because i am too hung over to even fake socialize and i am only able to nod and smile and say OH YEAH so many times... i just noticed this is sort of turning into a letter to her
sincerly,
J.
-last night i got accidently drunk watching the first season of lost on dvd that my coworker lent me and i sorta love the show but at the same time hate it because they complain about no water but hi if they watched bill nye the science guy they would have had it all figured out but whatev and bitch came home late because he went out for dinner with his supervisor and he comes in and he was like HAVE YOU MET KYLE WHO I WORK WITH and i said no is he gay and he says YAH AND HES TOTALLY LOVES MIA LIKE I DO AND HE IS SO NICE AND COOL and i was all YOU ARE SO GOING TO CHEAT ON ME and he said TOTE WHALES which in our stupid fag talk means 'yes'. as long as he pays rent i am cool.
-friday night sucked. it sucked bad.
i was staying at home to do laundry and drink rye and at like 9:30pm i remembered i forgot to upgrade someone to a business class flight so i slipped on jeans and sweatshirt and went downtown to do late night last minute office shit. so i do it and leave calling bitch to let him know what i was doing. he convinces me to go out with him and friend anike to au bar which is complete meat market and not the meat i like like genoa salami or filet mignon or penis, but more like a whole lot of pussy not coverd up by ugly short skirts that were so last year. anywayanyway i left because i was like FUCK THIS THIS AINT MY SCENE even though bitch was paying for my beers so note i had about 3 beers in me. i leave and goto the bus stop. i am waiting and then some sketchcase walks up and whispers in my ear GIVE ME YOUR SHIT!@# i turn around and bluntly told him to go fuck him self and that i have no 'shit' to give him to piss off and he proceeds to verbally convince me that i need to hand over my 'shit' which he is referring to my wallet. not being in the best of moods as is i had a low tolerance and i told him blatently once again to suck my cock and to get out of my face which he replied with a head butt to the side of my face. i replied with a fist to his chest which he stumbled back and then said FINE I WILL TAKE IT THIS WAY and then he pulled out a fucking 6inch pocket knife. i told him he was fucked, shoving him again and crossed the street. he followed and so i crossed back and almost got hit by cars and then he just walked away.
i did not think much of it until the next morning and i was like THAT IS SOME STUPID SCARY SHIT.
i still feel safer downtown middle of the night than what i do in surrey in the middle of the day though.
-this 'post secret' makes me want to change careers
-it is that time where i have nothing to say but i just want to click that orange button that says publish post so when i have nothing to say and i want to press that button i drag up old shit from the past because i am not creative to come up with new shit at this moment. i say shit alot. i just sent an email to someone with admiration type words and i still was able to use the word shit like 3 times. sexy times!@#* * *
1.27.o3 (korean patient picture)
-so i am doing my talkity typing at the same korean web cafe i goto when i am downtown and when i came in i was going to the computer i normally sit at but when i passed the counter, the korean computer master girl started to doing some waving of her hands and say something but i am thinking because i do not know korean i did not understand her but then korean computer master girl pointed at her computer and showed me that the 'mother' computer was reloading so i assumed i had to do waiting. she did say SIT which was in english not korean so i followed her instructions to sit unless she was trying to say SHIT but i do not think so because she did not seem angry or anything. while waiting for the korean computer master girl to work her kung fu on the mother computer so i could start my internet magik talkity typing, i started to watch some animated movie they have on and it is in korean i think but it is some weird stuff... it had these weird looking panda type creatures running around but the panda creatures had sorta beaver like tales and they started running through this big ol bon fire and when they came out they rammed their heads into the panda-beaver like creature ahead of them and it looked like one big ol rimming chain and then they all morphed into this dragon and then more panda-like creatures started running and jumping into these bubbles where they then did some weird anime morphing of pumpkins or some squash like thing and i said HOLY KOREAN TRIPPYNESS and suddenly my computer came on and i was then all happy like because my brain was hurting watching the weird movie and it was making me want to go out and do some cheap acid and read a timothy leary book. crazy koreans...
-this is a new drawing i just recently finished that i am somewhat proud of. normally i would not be doing postings of my drawings but lately i was on this massive creative block where nothing was flowing through the brain to the hands to draw anything but one day after some form of catalyst i sat down and started to draw and then i actually started to paint again but not so much right now because i am broke and out of white paint. but ya....* * * -i look back at that and realize i will always have some problem with wanting to paint but not getting it done. whatev. i also look at that drawing and wonder why my head was so far up my ass in terms of my shadowing and colouring and stuff. wtf. self critisisisisms is the best.
-i am housesitting and everytime i housesit for skwirl the building is visited by fire trucks but thankfully it is not due to my pyro tendacies. this time i was sitting on the couch watching tv and i went out for smoke and when i go out the people across the way are trying to start their bar-b-q and when they get it lit all of a sudden a huge flame grows and just keeps burning. i sorta watched in a half daze not really caring and then one of them noticed me and was all HEY ANY IDEA WHAT TO DO... and i just shrugged and said turn the gas off and they said they had then i said stand back just in case and then they stopped talking to me which is fine. cut to 25 minutes later the thing is still shooting flames and fire trucks show up. it was funny watching 4 firemen deal with one out of control bar-b-q. they were not even hawt.
-for some reason i am all about deep frying shit well not actual shit but food but a variety of food which for some reason i thought of randomly when i was hung over but i took perogies and boiled them then battered them with egg and rolled them in cracker crumbs with garlic salt and deep fried it and jesus H christ that was good eating... then yesterday i tried the same but with tortellini and that was so good too and then i weighed myself and i have jumped to 143 pounds. last time i weighed myself was when i last house sat in november and i was a mere 125 pounds... i am like american and shit. SUPER SIZE!@#
-the cats though... driving me crazy. they are cute, and i love cats but the one needy cat will pounce on me like at 6:30 in the morning each day... its crazy and sits and purrs and meows in my face and so i think he is hungry and i check the bowl and it is full and the water bowl is full and then i check the cat box thinking maybe he is not liking the fullness of it but it isnt full because i cleaned the other night. he just wants attention at 6:30 in the morning. fucking thing... its too cute to throw across the room so i just lightly pet him which quiets him down and then eventually roll out of bed looking for coffee only to find decaf in the cupboards.
-friday night rolled around and i was all like i am needing to go out since bitch was sick and i was feeling alright i decided to go out so i called friend mr. lea who just got a new job being bartender man and i was all like SWEET A NEW PLACE I CAN GET DRUNK AND PASS OUT UNDER THE TABLE OF and he was like for sure. so we went to the cambie and drank. then friends bucci and randy man came but were stuck in the line so we left and went to the bourbon and then we drank more. in the beginning of the night i told friend mr. lea that my new years resolution was to make no resolution and to develop that voice in my head that says SELF I AM THINKING YOU HAVE HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK because i seem to lack that voice and all friend mr. lea would do was put his finger to my lips and go shhhh and pass over the shot of whatever the waitress brought us. from there it is all blurry. i made it home on my own accord i assume by taxi and apparently we hit up two other places of drinking establishments and ya but not in that order or course. good times. i went to work the next morning and i knew i reeked like last nights beer so i ate a bunch of garlic paremsean pretzel balls and everybody said i stunk like garlic.
-bitch apparently went out too. i misssed like 36 phone calls from him. my phone was on silent. oh well. and ya. he went to some club with some friends and while out side some homeless lady ran into him and then ran. she jacked his wallet. can you believe it. i can not. poor shit has had the worst luck with his wallet. my mother unit says she is going to personally sew zippers to every article of clothing of his that has a pocket. anywayanyway he walked all the way home and then got a phone call from his friend and apparently homeless lady wallet picker walked by the club again and a bouncer who saw what happened earlier grabbed her and demanded the wallet back and he got it back and then gave it to bitchs friend to bring back to him. so he has his wallet again with nothing gone. jesus eff'ing christ. that kid has a horse shoe up his ass.
-i am house sitting from friend skwirl because her and her husband went to huatulco. i sent them there. they have two cats and one is a very needy cat who wants attention and is standing right in front of the key board and is getting hair into my beer so i am going to stop but since they have internet you will see more posts from me this week~~!
-on my way to work this morning i saw some business guy riding a unicycle in a rain coat and a briefcase. i was all starting to think i was having a relapse of my drug days gone bad but i started to notice that other people were looking at this weird sight. he had a helmet on so at least he was riding safe in the rain. it was quite surreal for 8:ooam.-after i got over the 'new-years-3-day-my-head-is-e'ffing-hurting-headache-hangover' i got sick. massive head cold sick where every fluid is pouring out of your face. nose starts running and then the eyes are all like hey that is looking like fun lets leak too so they do and the end result is a trash can full of tissue and people asking why i am crying. when my eyes are all watering and red though they turn this really funky light color blue and people say i have amazing eyes but then i blow my nose and they walk away disgusted. every night i have been double dosing on neo citron and that shit is a gawd send. i love it!@ and it puts me out like i have been drinking 8 beers straight but minus the possibility of me pissing the bed. dreams are a little fuckered but hey it creates an upswing for my levels of creativity come the next painting. i think i may drink it on a normal basis but bitch says then it will stop working so i am not sure. it is good though. 3 days later i only have one nostril slightly plucked and sometimes on my in-breath it makes a weezing sound and i try and create a beat and then i feel like i am going to faint so i stop. bitch now has the cold. HAH.
-nothing really cryptic about my title today. nope. where to begin... bitch lost:
~earlier last week he lost his wallet. troublesome since all his ID and other important little pieces of plastic are in that wallet. including oh did i mention his picture ID that he would need if we were to goto hawaii (we are planning on for either february or may). also not to mention that we were going to a club that night to celebrate a friends birthday but a little hard to do with no ID since club _____ has been known to have 'gang' trouble so they are tight with the whole identification thing. anywayanyway we eventually got in long story but ya.
~not in bitch's wallet (thank gawd) was his birth certificate. he was smart and kept that seperate. he was waiting for his new visa to come in to go get new picture ID because all you need is your birth certificate and a credit card or something and boom. new picture ID. we go to a pub and he brings his birth certificate with him to get in. he really does not need because the people we go with are huge uber regulars so we glide in with no problems. long story short the next morning he has lost his birth certificate, and cell phone (we wont mention he lost it possible dragging my ass out of a cab but ya).
~so he is ID'less completely and no phone. he goes out for dinner with his manager on sunday night and borrows my only umbrella.
next morning i go to grab my umbrella which is no longer in sight. he lost that too the night before and lo and behold it is turrential down pour of rain and i am eff'd. i get to work drowned in my new wool dress pants. hawt.
suddenly the gawds for whatever reason decide to smile on dave. a call from a cabby informs us that he has bitch's phone. he scrolled through the numbers on the phone and called bitchs parents and ya. with the phone... his birth certificate as well. enter massive sigh of relief. i was expecting someone to find it at a scene of a murder or something and ya mind you i would have ended up with the bed by myself which is always nice sometimes.
then within 10 hours he gets a call from translink... they have his wallet!@#! i am personally amazed. only thing taken was his bus pass.
regardless i am going to start stapling shit to him in the worst way.
-firstly and foremostly happy new year. oh and merry christmas and all those other fucking holidays that everybody apparently needs to recognize at this time of year because the other religions are feeling left out anywayanyway
what a christmas. i will be honest and say i was all looking mad forward to the present situation to a point where bitch and i agreed that we have not felt like that since we were kids. i am thinking it was because my mother unit kept saying encouraging things like I HAVE BOUGHT SO MUCH FOR YOU THAT I NEED TO PUT SOME OF IT IN DAVES NAME and I BOUGHT YOU A 32 INCH TV FOR CHRISTMAS BUT I DID NOT WRAP IT SO I THOUGHT I WOULD TELL YOU NOW so you can see why i was all hyped up. normally christmas at my house is a "tight" or "not expensive" christmas but my parents always rocked at making it a special day regardless especially with the meal. but as i said this year i was all GIMME MY SHIZNIT!@# because my mother and father were in a position where they could financially spoil their children...
so the tv rocks. huge. 12 cup super nice coffee maker blak and stainless steel. hawt. new electric shaver one of them triple head things that actually take the whiskers off the face. loves it. pots and pans including a new hawt square frying pan good for bacon. new nice knife set. sharp. trust me. family guy volume 3 and tattoo gift certs ... thanx skwirl!@#!
so ya it kicked ass.
bicth got me a new cell phone which is sweet because everytime i used my old one i would bitch that it was a piece of shit. but not this new one.... its sexy silver sleek.
on to come... new years.
i am still recovering from a headache that is like 3 days straight its cool though
went to some house party out in the suburbs and it was good but there was like 3 countdowns or some shit and then i fell asleep. woke up at my friends house and went home with bitch. on the way home we bought more beer and spent like 8 bucks on bacon because the grocery store was closed for some stupid reason but whatev so we went back home and continued to drink and when you are hung over to begin with you get trashed at ultra speed so i was hammed by 1:30 yelling 2006 MUTHAFUCKER YEAR OF THE BACON because we cooked that bacon but i do not even remember eating it and i talked to some people but i do not remember and bitch was getting annoyed with me so he kept telling me to shut up and drink my beer or he was going to dump it so i drank it quick and then i fell asleep and that was his plan for me to shut up. he can be a cunning little shit though stupid at times (like losing his wallet on the bus).
i woke up hung over bad the next day and did nothing. bitch went to work and i watched tv all day grabbing at my pounding head. it is still pounding but i think it is trying to rebuild all those memory things i seemed to have lost due to that weekend. good times!!@#!
