birthday

-so ya i am now 26 today.
bitch got me some great new shoes. he is a good man because i fucking hate shoe shopping and not only is he a good man he is lucky because i actually like the shoes.
i had a fillet mignon for lunch it was good. steak for take out is good.
i got a 120 gift card to the keg from my co-workers. i smell more fillet mignon in the future. thanks ladies.
then in between i have had to work all crazy like and i am frustrated and ARGHASGHASR type feeling so much so i almost pulled my 30 dollar payless dress shoe off and shoved it in some guys ass because i held the door for him and he walked right through without saying thank you as if i was a fucking door man but all i said was YOURE WELCOME really loud and i guess not only was he arrogant he is deaf because he kept walking all high and mighty. i will see him on the street later i am sure i have that type of luck and i will karate chop him in the fucking throat.
i guess overnight not only did i turn 26 but my level of tolerance towards assholes decreased and my likelyhood of commiting man slaughter increased. gad knows what 27 will have in store.

i am going to drink hard tonight me thinks. i shouldnt because i work tomorrow but at this point i do not care. its my birthday and i will drink if i want tooooo.

regardless thank you to everybody for birthday messages. sweet of you.

ann-e-burf-sir-reeee-day eve

-today is my parents gazillionth anniversay and they are so cute well not gazillionth but up in the 30's or something long like that but the other day my dad had some weird food reaction and his lips swelled really big and as my mom described "you know those tribe people in africa that have those big lip disks dad looked like that but not black and no disk" and she couldnt figure it out and my dad said DONT TRADE ME I WILL BE FIXED SOON and my mom being the cutest fucking thing around said DEAR IF I HAVE NOT TRADED YOU IN AFTER 30 SOMETHING YEARS, 3 KIDS, BANKRUPTCY ETC I AM NOT ABOUT TO TRADE YOU IN NOW!!! oh. good mom. happy anniversary parental people!!! love. they also joke around that they could not even divorce eachother if they wanted to because they can not get their rings off. suckers.

-well if today is my parents anniversary that can only mean one thing and that is meaning tomorrow is my muther fucking birthday. no one ever really cares that much myself included but that is okay. i am cool with that. i just like free stuff like food and alcohol and possibly a gift card to IKEA (ahem mom and dad if you are reading this because i need a bed frame since my mattress sits on the floor and i am convinced that insects crawl up the mattress and hang out with me when i sleep which is GROSS but i know with a bed frame that would not happen and i know you will say then they can crawl up the bed frame to get in your mattress and i know that but i want a bed frame and that is my best reasoning as to why. plus it would look not as ghetto...). so ya. my birthday. i will be 26. jesus. i do not feel old. i did the other day when i saw joanna kerns and no one knew who she was. that was a wake up call that i am not the young one anymore. my boss said i can have anything i want for lunch tomorrow so guess who is having a keg fillet mignon with a twice baked potaTOE tomorrow at around noon oh thats right me. i tried to find a nice appetizing picture of a fillet mignon to show and make you all jealous but all the pictures i came across had no bacon wrapped around it which is CRAZY i do not know if the traditional fillet mignon is supposed to or not but that was how i was introduced to it and i love bacon so i expect nothing else but bacon on my fillet.

ps-tommy the clown accepted my friend request on myspace. i feel so street that i want to krump it clown style yo. you should all watch RIZE

joanna shoulders descent

-on saturday i was working at crapland and JOANNA KERNS was totally shopping at our store and i was like OH MY GOD and i was totally starstruck and the majority of people i was working with did not know who she was and i was like HOW?!?! I GREW UP WITH MRS. SEAVER and i loved her like my mom because she always gave great motherly advise and i like how she was totally tough shit little boy when she wanted to go back to work and ben the youngest sniveling little brat who was jealous of leonardo dicaprios character when they introduced him was all sad that she was not going to be at home all the time because that is what my mom would do and she would throw in NOW QUIT YOUR CRYING YOU LITTLE SHIT and i asked her if she wanted me to start a fitting room for her and said yes and i asked whats your name and said very nicely JOANNA and i wanted to say YOU MEAN MRS. SEAVER RIGHT HUH HUH and nudge her to let her know that i know who she is and her cargo pants are so not throwing me off. she bought a lot of gap tanks and stuff and when she was up at cash the cashier was all crazy and stuff and said 'people on the headset want to know if you know anybody famous' and i was like I CAN NOT BELIEVE YOU JUST ASKED THAT and joanna totally just giggled and said she ran into David Duchovenayenyay (the guy from X-files) in the laundry room at the hotel and he totally made his laundry all blue because of a sock which i sorta call bullshit on the story because a)why the hell are STARS doing their own laundry at a hotel b)WHY ARE THEY DOING THEIR OWN LAUNDRY and c)why would you brag about seeing that guy but then again she might actually hate him and is trying to discredit him in the hollywood by his lack of attention to colors and whites with laundry and all casting people will be like DO NO CAST HIM HE CAN NOT EVEN DO HIS LAUNDRY. you are sneaky joanna. oh and i have no idea where that screen cap is from but joanna is hot as a bunny no? that was so not from a growing pains episode...

-um this is major fag alert cross with what not to wear advice but um to all the really good looking guys who apparenlty can not dress themselves properly allow me to let you in a little secret that the seam on shirt called a SHOULDER SEAM is just that meaning that is to be at your shoulder not half way down your bicep and if it is then that means the shirt is WAY TOO FUCKING BIG AND LOOKS LIKE A BALLOON ON YOU. that is all.

-bitch and i went and saw that movie the descent and it was good if you are into the scary movie that rolls spice girls GIRL POWER, tomb raider, and some random alien like content into one and call it a movie. it had alot of moments that made you jump but by the end i knew when they were coming because you could totally tell by the music and i would close my eyes right at that point so i did not jump in my seat and that way it looked like i was super cool from everybody behind me because they would be like WHOA HE HAS NERVES OF STEEL HE DID NOT JUMP WHEN THAT THING JUST POPPED OUT OF NO WHERE AND ATE THAT CHICKS NECK OFF. mind you i like how the main character took revenge with her adulterous friends with i nice spike thingy into the knee. karmas a bitch eh?...

recaping lips gone down

-this is what happens when fags collide


-everybody wants it

-then everybody gets it back

-then there are some who are angry cause they aint getting anything since the other half is in germany.

-by the end of the night i had troubles staying awake from venue hopping to all the drinking to well all the drinking

-then i fell asleep.

but ya all those were taken from friday night where i rushed home got my hair did and the 40 dollars was so worth the massage by itself, then went home pre-drinked with bitch then went to a restaurant opening for my friends who just bought a restaurant in gas town (the Annex) where i totally saw somebody who i have not seen in ages and we did that whole OH MY GAWD HOW ARE YOU and we started to talk and catch up about wanting to stick matt goods lips on a wall because they are gorgeous and not even for function just for crazy stalker ways of fascination of his amazing lips which we would normally talk about when we were stoned that is why it sounds so stupid and creepy and we laughed alot and we so have plans for the future. um from there went to friend ryans party at his new gorgeous loft apartment that i would literally kill for not an innocent person though but someone crazy guilty of something bad and ya that was fun and some chick went down on me and i on her and it was fun but the pants stayed on but bitch loved the photo ops and then from there we went to the bourbon not like we needed too cause i was getting rough at this point and then i fell asleep at the bourbon and then in the cab and that was that. apparently our neighbors cheered bitch on as he dragged my lifeless body out on to the street from the cab. i love love and it what it makes other do.

chopping the edible sunglasses

-so today is the day that i have been waiting for like almost 2 months and that is today is HAIRDID DAY. i am going to some 'professional' salon all gay stylee to get my hair cut because it is going PUFF... sorta like this:

that is sexy stuff huh so sexy the camera was all like WHOA WE CAN NOT HANDLE THE SEXY'NESS LETS NOT FOCUS so ya and to some that may not be long hair to you but to me, mr-i-have-shaved-my-head-for-the-last-6-years-and-if-not-i-have-gone-to-some-cheap-old-barber-on-gay-street-who-charges-like-10-bucks-to-mow-my-scalp... it is long hair. i will be paying 40 dollars for my hair cut which makes me want to purge disgust but i figure with my quaff i can justify it... i hope. if not i will make the bitch buy me the equivalent in beer.

-other than the fact that i am getting my hair cut for way expensive, today is the worst day of my life because i went grocery shopping the other day and i bought TONS of food so i am not spending 20 bucks a day for lunchs and bagels and coffees at work and i woke up this morning and totally took my time getting ready and left in a hurry and forgot lunch, bagels and brain at home and so now i just spent 3 bucks for a bagel, i will spend 6 bucks on lunch 9 on smokes and i will be like i hate myself. ps... i also lost my most favoritesestetst pair of sunglasses last night but i have to question if they were in fact my most favoritestetstest pair as i just stuck them in my side pocket of my backpack so if they were in fact my most favoritetstesttest i would not have done that would i but i so loved them and it pisses me off knowing some homeless person is looking all cool and blind with my big over bearing black shades.

-but to end this on more of a vain note bitch has been playing with photoshop and i look cute in black and white with a big yellow straw hat and a plant in my face.


-oh and ps. bitch kept harraasssing me to start a myspace page so here you go people... i need friends ... MYSPACE

unwanted nonpainted walls

text reads: i was hoping to see you one more time before everything explodes into that of destruction and desire but i was left empty handed full of parting memories of when our skin last brushed skin and when we last made eye contact with the world of lovely hate so i will concede to watching as you slowly fade from everything i once knew to be as true and innocent so good-bye my friend... goodbye.

these are just more "paintings" that i have somewhat finished but not really and i am fucking drunk but ya the point is i have tons of shit i can not finish because i have this stupid thing about WHEN IS IT DONE but i do not know
edit: i did not like the whole thing there because i am not hard up for cash it was drunk humor but ya...

fishy clinkity gay'ness drinks

-raymi posted this link in my comment section and i think she so did it to be like GO SICK EM FAG and i went and i read what all the shit was about ('gay'ness actually) and it is so funny my favorite was the american who thinks america is not stupid and how the other american thinks gay is a choice. i did not even need to respond to him because he would not read my response as he is probably too busy fucking his sister. but it is quite funny and 'binsk' or whatever is like uber famous in that stupid gay way. mind you someone named orpheus thought raymi and i are funny and he is sooo right. what is weird i had a fish named orpheus once but he died like 3 days later because he only had one fin either that or i forgot to feed him but that is okay because that was when i was realizing i liked cock and to busy examining many strangers with my mouth so i had a good excuse...

i love the picture though. hi orphius!@!#

-last night i woke up in the middle of the night and i heard all these weird sounds coming from what sounded like my kitchen and i was like what the fuck is that and i started to get all nervous and shit thinking someone was in my apartment so i reached for the 12 inch scuba knife i keep by my bed and then i kept listening and it sounded like someone was eating cereal and i was totally cool after that because we have like NO FUCKING FOOD WHATSOEVER IN OUR CUPBOARDS OR FRIDGE so i was like tote must be coming from somewhere else so whatev but bitch if you are reading i am like hinting we need to do grocery shopping when you and i are not working like japenese people okay?! love me.

-i am actually still at my office and i so should have been off like 3 hours ago but i have been too busy cleaning up other peoples messeseses and now i need to do my shit but i have gotten to the point where everything is in the I DONT GIVE A SHIT MODE so i thought i would type. but days like this make me realize why i have such a drinking problem which really is not a problem because i am not like drinking at work or anything just when i am not at work i am drinking which is sort of a problem but not really because i feel good then but when i wake up and go to gap the next day and they are like WHOA CUSTOMERS WILL COMPLAIN YOU SMELL LIKE BEER and i will be like SHUT YOUR MOUTH I GAVE THEM GOOD SERVICE WHILE BREATHING ON THEM and they will be like true and so again not a problem because i work best under hangover status... thank you very much manager lady who hates alcohol!!!

sometimes nipple hair

-i forget sometimes how gay bitch is and then i go to his webpage and i see shit like this!!!
um ya hi... that is why he does that shit when i am not around because he knows he would get gay bashed.

-the internet connection is gone on the corner of the bed. the only place i can get it is when i place the laptop half way out my window resting on my window ledge. actually i should not be saying "..place I get it" as it was bitch who found it. i am waiting to come home to hear how my laptop sorta fell out the window. i give it 2 days.

-so apparently pride was more fun than i remember which i can understand. i remember after the parade we went to some non-gay pub to drink and then friends left to go somewhere leaving two jugs of beer half full so me being the family dog of my friends in terms of beer i took care of the scraps in like 5 minutes and from there it was a blur and i remember going to another pub and i remember waking up at home on my living room floor. the middle parts are blurry. normally that would bother someone.. me it is a fun filter and i am like whatever. i do recollect at one point seeing an old manager of mine from crapland and so sent him an email yesterday:

--

From: Jared
To: Russ
Date: Tuesday, August 8, 2006 11:28 am
Subject: Re: Here...

Dear Mr. XXXX
It was an absolute delight seeing you this weekend. Though my sight was doubled that is not a problem because two of you is always better than one. I can not recollect what we discussed but out of the brief little flashes from the end of the parade to waking up on my living room floor at 1am i do remember seeing you so feel privelaged that you stuck out in my memory cells swimming in pools of over indulgent alcohol. i am aloud it is pride. i do have to say from what i remember you have like NO HAIR?! i was in shock because i do not remember seeing you with such short hair. As i am sure [coworker] will be gleefully willing to tell you i even mentioned to (mind you in a more of a drunk manor as i did speak to her that night later on which i do not remember so already you have one on top of her) to her. anyway i apologize for anything i may have said that could incriminate me, you, anyone i know or anyone i do not know because gawd knows what type of drama a drunk homo can cause!

kiskis hope to see you soon and actually retain the encounter.! -Jared

--

and his reply:

--

From: Russ
To: Jared
Date: Tuesday, August 8, 2006 5:38 pm
Subject: Re: Here...

Jared, My Darling..., you were a Saint and Jesus himself should make you an apostle.It was great to see you as well, and the funny thing is you have WAY MUCH MORE HAIR than I have ever seen you with. Be gentle to the bald men you encounter, what we lack on top, we certainly make up for below if you know what I mean...So when did you want to get together for some drinks? I am going to be away the 18th until the 26th. Now that I stroke wood 8 hours a day and get paid for it my evenings have become very free...Is your number still 604-xxx-xxxx? I am a 604-xxx-xxx.It was good to see you, still as sweet as ever. Is it also safe to say you DO NOT remember our conversation about your Nipples?Talk Soon, Love Russ XOXO

--

um we talked about my nipples?? gawd knows what was said since they are huge pamela 'pre-surgery' anderson nipples and like are huge. but anyway my favorite part of his reply is that jesus should make me an apostle. hah. i am gay russ so are you jesus hates us like mel hates jews my friend. but cute none the less. and he noticed my rats nest of a head of hair and i noticed his lack there of but i was not trying to imply that he was bald but it was shaved and he used to normally have normal length gay hair. if i pick on anyone going bald it is bitch.

can you tell i do not have much to say today.


bitch and i at pride (pre-drink fest) and notice the bruise on my arm that was from bitch... pretty thug of him eh well it did not last long because a nice kidney shot and a throw down to the floor fixed the problem. it was actually sorta hot us fighting so we had sex after.

actually painting the gay dance

-so i did goto the fucking pride parade and i think they must have jacked up the prize money for best float or something because this year there was actually some effort put forth to them because normally they have like a flat bed truck with a bucnh of guys dancing who are still high form the night before in booty shorts with a piece of ribbon but this year there were some actually neat ones. there were two moments that actually made me go that is funny or that was cool. actually. yes. there was one point where this line of fags stood in front of the fire fighter people in the parade and soaked them with their water guns and the fire fighter people turned the hoses on them it was actually funny. then there was this old guy who just kept dancing up on top of the 7-11 and my friend bucci says i should so send it in to 7-11 as marketing but he thinks everything is marketing material. even me for alcoholism. yay me. actually is the word of the day because i was actually surprised at the effort this year. so my rant the other day is still warranted because there were gross fags around but you can not stop that.

-i have been painting and bitch is getting angry because i am just giving them away and i am like this is how you become famous so someone will see the painting somewhere and they will be like WHO PAINTED THAT and they will say THIS AMAZING GUY NAMED JARED AND HE GAVE IT TO ME and then that person questioning the origin of the painting will contact me and be like can i have a painting and i will be like SINCE YOU ASKED FOR YOU IT WILL COST 3000 DOLLARS and they will pay it and there will be scandal and everything. not really but in my mind it works
here is one that i just gave away. yes i like painting personified looking comical looking flowers with engorged appandages.

and this is another one i am giving away.


oh and oh and CLICK HERE to see the dancing guy on 7-11. he is awesome and i see my future in him. or you do not have to click if you can see the embededed version below. i am going to the beach now and drink and watch naked people. oh by the way i have internet connection again at home in my bedroom on the corner of my bed. that is the only place i can get it. thend.

pri-des-hame

-i was going to do a whole long winded post about how i can not tolerate gay pride because it is this weekend and every year when i am like okay maybe i will go check it out and maybe i will surprised but when i say surprised i should type UTTERLY FUCKING ANNOYED at some (not all) of the shit that parades down the street because all they are doing is perpetuating the whole fucking generalization of homo's and the stereotypes they fight all year long to go against saying we are equal to everybody else but i am sorry fag person everybody else does not have a parade to stomp down the street in a faux fur speedo bottom wearing a straw cowboy hat with feather boa wrapped around you as you are waving a dildo in the air. do not get me wrong gays are cool sometimes but i am not into the whole WERE QUEER AND WE ARE HERE and i am like i am too douchebag but i am used to it and when i am unhappy i drink. there done. oh oh oh and do not get me started on how half the people in the parade, watching the parade and running the parade are operating on 0 hours of sleep because they were up all night at the after hours dancing around while 'bumping' k and e and dropping down a couple of vials of g while sipping an alcoholic drink because hey that is the best combination for coma right?? right!! lets do more. oh and while were are over consuming our recreational narcotics lets stick our hands down this young unsuspecting individuals pants because he wont mind because he looks gay and that is what us gay people do. whatever.

i know if you are gay reading this you are like you are an asshole and maybe i am but i have been in the seedy underbelly of the gay nightlife and i am appalled at how the majority of that seedy underbelly is actually during the daylight hours running pride and saying BE PROUD. of what... you you drugged up promisicuous old creepy fag. i do not think so.
i am grateful that i can walk down some streets holding bitches hand and only getting slurred at(as opposed to getting my face kicked in). i am grateful that when i came out my parents did not turn me around and say get out of our lives. i am grateful that i can marry bitch if i ever become crazy enough to do so. i am grateful for certain aspects of being apart of the gay world and there are some very worthy causes and events this weekend. i am not proud of half the gay population out there who just use this weekend as an excuse to do an extra bump of k because they do not have to work on monday.

i mean hey i will probably use it as an excuse to drink an extra 12 pack but at least i eat and get sleep doing what i am doing...

happy fucking pride fags.

hoes in london

-saturday i worked and was totally done with the day. sunday i was to goto homopolooza which was some gay thing for gays and beer which sounded up my alley or something but i did not end up going. all i did sunday was nothing. well not nothing i played grand theft auto all fucking day because i am sad like that. it was disgusting. i did take breaks to paint and drink and watch the marathon of what not to wear because simply i love this bitch...

she is not super attractive or anything and sometimes she says things to people and i am like well that was stupid but i know deep down that she is a dirty kinky bitch. i bet she has fellatio mastered like the best of them and she prolly has the dirtiest mouth around and not to mention she slams back martinis. i know she does. not know as in like fact but know as like i am positive she does type i know. she is my sidekick in my fantasy world. no clinton though... hes just competition. i want to party with her and critique people and she will say SHUT UP or HELLO BONJOOR things which is soo funny because she can not even pronounce it properly but whatever ms. london i aint mad at you.
anyway after my small bouts of what not to wear i would go back to playing grand theft auto and i stole a car from a pimp and i was able to do 'PIMP MODE' where i drove around and picked up girls and dropped them off and sometimes my ladies customers would get rough because they thought MY LADIES gave them crabs. nuh uh not my ladies my ladies are clean y'all so i had to go cap the mutherfucka in da head for getting rough wit m'girlz. all the time m'gurlfren denise keeps callin me while i'm in da middle of gang warz n shit sayin that i dont see her nuff so i have decided i'm gonna drop that bitch cause gurl is high muthafuckin maintence dawg....
...i can see the line of reality and gta becoming blurred... so blurred and i love it.
all of that could have been avoided if my friends did not lose their phones or at least give me that shit ass excuse as to why they never called me sunday to go out as planned. whatever though i prefer my imaginary hoes and cheap beer to tons of fags and pricey beer.

templ-ate-my-shit

-so out a moment of boredom i tried to play wit the template with blogger and when it said it would possibly delete customization i did not realize it would wipe out haloscan, and all my links which is like okay my dumb. frusterating as i am trying to install everything back on and in doing so our connection at work stop and goes like mr.bean parking his fucking car.
this is fun...

g[ay]ossipy side trail

-omg lance bass is gay. really i do not fucking care because he is not even really good looking he reminds me of that kid in elementary school who was always funny looking and people made fun of him and his mom would always be like DONT YOU LISTEN TO THEM YOU ARE GORGEOUS and then one day he lost his glasses and people said he looked better without his glasses so then he thinks he IS grogeous but it is like oh no you are not we just said you looked better... sorta what happened to me but i am cute. sorry lance.
but i find it funny how the whole media is like HE'S GAY. so fucking what...
then there are funny people who make me laugh about shit like this:

"If this whole time has been Lance Bass acting like he wasn't gay I can't
even imagine what a gay Lance Bass will be like. He'll make Carson from Queer
Eye look like the straightest guy in the world. Like he goes hunting bear with
his bare hands or something."

see that is funny. or at least i think it is funny. i do feel bad that the guy felt that he forced 'out' by rumors and media well actually no i do not because if you are all being seen running around with this man

who is openly gay and apparently really good and like traveling in competition style then yes you will get pegged off as a fag and once you started hanging out with this man i would have been like FUCK YOU WORLD LOOK WHAT TOPS ME BITCHES (the thought of lance topping him makes me sad...) and parade that shit around. not be all like NO NO I AM NOT GAY HE IS JUST ME FRIEND THAT SHARES CLOTHES WITH ME AND WE LIKE TO VISIT PRIDE STUFF. whatever lance. be gay. and lets stop talking from there because no one really cares _that_ much since the world is waiting to see suri still so they will settle with your gay ass for the time being... but your boyfriend is hot. i am assuming semi blind but hot. cudos.

-on another note... my hair is starting to drive me crazy and i have like 5 paintings i need to finish for my own sanity because i refuse to start more to just leave them lying around and i work at crapland tonight and i will get a cheque for 30 dollars since i worked there for like 2 hours over the last two weeks and i think i am going to rape bitch in his sleep and i will pretend its lance's boyfriend.

touching the hairs

-yesterday i went to doctor man to have my stitches taken out and i have come to the conclusion i like my doctor man not in the 'hey he is super friendly and a nice doctor' but more like in the 'please doctor fondle me when i am not at my most alert state... please doctor...'. he is just cute and i would like to be fondled by a cute doctor man. never had a doctor on my list. politician yes, hair dresser yes, courier yes, tons of twinks in sales yes, graphic designer yes, fitness instructor yes, but never a doctor. one day maybe but he made me stare at his crotch when he took the stitches out well did not make me but when he tilted my head so he could look at the stitches i was face to face (i guess) with his crotch. he sits to the left. or my left at least. so he took the stitches out. bye stitches.

EDIT: actually my bad memory i did have a doctor some doctor of feet long time ago or whatever which is funny since if you know me i can not stand having my feet touched. he was not good so it was only once and that is probably why i do not remember to well and generally stuff with feet i am like EWW no... hah. silly brain memory cells.

so with that done i had visions of cutting my hair but the last couple of days i was styling and it required little work and i looked actually decent with the messy long hair (for me) and i am just realizing how vain i am sounding but this is my land so tough shit. but ya i have decided not to cut it just for the time being... but the moment i am all like AREGHRAHGASGH and throwing stuff that is when i will cut it.

-while in the mirror looking at the hair and decided what should i do i have noticed ... gray hair. sexy huh. my mom pointed it out when we were on the rv trip and i was asking what something was by my ear and she pointed out that i had grays coming in and i was like whatever because i was probably drunk and more focused on what i thought to be like living eggs on my temple but then when i saw the gray hair yesterday i was like I AM A DADDY NOW at 26. so i went outside and showed bitch who was bbq'ing which is like his most favoritest thing to do now and he took a sip of my vodka and tang (we ran out of mix) without asking and i was like DO NOT TOUCH DADDYS DRINK and i felt weird saying that so i am not a daddy but i want salt and peppa hair cause i think that is sexy hot. i am what i used to sleep with...

spelling police... gray?... grey?

isis the ipod

-so i have totally conformed and got myself an ipod and i am so behind everybody i know i know but it was out of guilt because the ladies i work with bought me a new cd discman 2 years ago for my birthday and i did not want to go get an mp3 player/ipod right away and appear ungrateful and shit but now that i have an ipod i am like YOUR DISCMAN SUCKS ASS LADIES in comparison and the only reason i say that is that the ipod has games on it and i can play some game called brick and i love it because it is simple and monotonous. but anywayanyway i got it yesterday and i had a hard time figuring out what i wanted to do once i got home was it 1)play with the new ipod lil cutey patootey nano or play san andreas because i found a cheat that gave you a rocket pack and i was like NANO and so i went to play with it and it was like CHARGE ME BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING DUMBASS and so that made the decision for me and i played san andreas poppin caps in peoples asses from the air beeeyatch. bitch and i also used my new lil bbq for the first time and we used these coals that were 'easylite' and the reason they are easylite is because they are fucking doused in lighter fluid and it stunk real bad and made the hot dogs taste like a zippo. after i digested the poisonous hot dog i fell asleep and when i woke up at 3:00am the first thing i thought of was my ipod and i totally played with it for like an hour and then went back to bed. it has not left my side since.
every where i go i take it with me.
on the way to work
in the elevator
to go get a bagel
to go smoke
the washroom
i will probably use it while raping bitch so there is like a sound track and i will listen to nancy sinatra BANG BANG while doing it too and i will not know the words but i will thrust in time to the BANG BANG part and i will look crazy and bitch will cry.
everything i do will have a soundtrack because i am able to take it anywhere. i love it.
i will be like the non-conventional autistic short irish model stomping it out in random places and the only way to take my ipod away is to pry it from my cold dead hand... bitch says it will ruin my life and i was like it already has. the end.

top itches picturing the past

-so when it was bitchs birthday i was trying to look for this one picture that was taken when we first started going out which in my opinion is THE PICTURE but i could not find it and i resorted to THE PICTURE #2 and i was sad that i could not find THE PICTURE but this morning i did on some random email in my yahoo account from like years ago.

do you not want to punch yourself in the face that is so adorable. i love it. mind you all my friends say i look like i am sleeping which is perfect because i sleep alot so hello it is perfect. but for the record i was not sleeping i was trying to convey the sensual type look or the come fuck me look i get confused on those two.

-the stitches on my head are itchy and i want to scratch but i do have more restraint than that so i do not but i guess when i sleep i have rubbed it because i wake up in the morning and they are hurting and i am like WHAT THE FUCK and i then get all paranoid that bitch is playing with them while i sleep to get back at me for whatever reason but then i am like no he is not that smart to seek revenge while i slumber so i am guessing my nocternal slumbering self has no restraint and goes at them. i hope it does not delay the removal of the sticthes because i need a haircut. in the mornings when i am trying to do my hair it goes PUFF because i have thick hair and it does not go flat so what i have to do is wash it carefully and then i put a hat or toque on and let it sit and that flattens it and i cant really style it because you are unable to style shag carpet people so i am looking forward to next tuesday.

-um hi good for you andrea for winning top model because i knew you would win and not the retarded asian who sounded like she was eating marbles when she talked like last night during the commerical shoot and she said "so how many makeups have you tried" and with her accent and inability to announciate i could have sworn she said "so how many niggaz have you tried" and i lifted my head because i was working on my next masterpeice and was like WHAT THE HELL DID SHE JUST SAY and then she repeated and i was like OHHHH MAKE UP i thought she was all of a sudden street or something RICHMOND STYLEE! but anyway good for andrea and i so know she is going to go home and go to all the people that called her ugly when she was young and be like EAT SHIT FUCKERS WHOS GOT $100,00 NOW!!!?!?! good for her. i would too.

pictoral interlude - folking bitch style

-i could so make tons of jokes about FOLK and FUCK but it is becoming stupid so here are pictures from the folk fest from bitches camera and mostly not even of the folk festival just some pretty pictures of the beach and park and stuff but ya pictures.






-this was the cutest hippie family and the little boy with blond dreads was beatingthe drums and i wanted to steal him because he was adorable and cute hair.



-that is feist but you can not tell but you take my word it is ... she is purty.




-the most amazingestest sunset ever ever

folking sergio

-today is the day that the sergio (named while sipping a brew or two) the cyst will be leaving. i like sergio because it sounds like a big strong name and since this cyst is like a fucking marble i thought it would be appropriate. anywayanyway the paperwork is all done and the budget van will be in around 5:15 to move his possesions and when i say budget van i mean a nice little cut by doctor man and when i say possesions i mean to get the fuck off my scalp. i am excited because i need to cut my hair in the worst way because it is looking like a mop but i have to wait now until the stitches are taken out and i did not have time over the weekend because of the folk fest which is fine so i get to cut my hair all new style next week. i have not had this much hair in forever.. in other related news bitch felt a little lumpy pool by his cheek and so i was like maybe you bit your cheek and he was like I DONT KNOW which he does and ya and it was still there this morning and so he went to a doctor and he has a cyst too... aww. i said i will make t-shirts that say SOUL CYSTA on it and he liked that. i wont actually because that would be retarded.

-the folk festival was fun as usual. feist was delightful. and of course many tons of artists that i have not heard off sorta blew me away and the spoken word was awesome and the weather was perfect for skin burning and ya. i loved it. but then come to think of it i spent more time shopping outside the festival area because there are some pretty fucking cool lil vendor stands and i am thinking next year i will sell some paintings nothing expensive i will be happy if someone is wanting to pay 20 dollars so we will see what happens. several of my friends who always scoffed at me for going to the folk festival came this year and they were all like OH MY GAWD I AM UN ABLE TO UNDERSTAND THAT IT IS THIS GOOD and i was like told ya bitches!
looking forward to next year. bitch totally took some AMAZING pictures and i will steal from him and post soon....

romancing the wind

-one of the girls i work with at the gap who works as a secretary to some lawyer bitch just got a job elsewhere and she wants to celebrate but i said no i can not and she was like
-
From: "Antonija"
To: "jared"
Sent: Friday, July 14, 2006 11:30 AM
Subject: Re: um

oh..good old folk people, i am bit sad you too busy for little old me, no
boob touch then!
-

and then so i was like

-
From: "jared"
To: "Antonija"
Sent: Friday, July 14, 2006 11:35 AM
Subject: Re: um

listen lady i have done the folk fest for like 5 years now and i will not refrain on my duties (i am actually volunteering) for a lil boob action. if i was hard up for boobs i would walk over and grope [co-worker] but that aint happening.heh if that sounded harsh, i meant it to but do not mean the harshness. it was jovial.
tote love ya but as i said i am volunteering and the folk fest is amazing so maybe sometime in the near future well do drinks downtown at some gay place because you know fags we like to stick to where we are comfortable so i guess on second thought i will not goto davie cause davie is like fucking cruise central and i dont need to cruise anybody or be cruised (mind you it is nice for the ego) since i have a bf that puts out on a regular basis and he is cute so i win all around. so maybe havanas on commercial. excellent breakfast!
-

and i then i read it and i was like whoa i am long winded and no wonder my friends do not reply to some of my emails because i get totally side tracked from the main point and i just fucking wont stop typing and i think it is great which is guess is what i do here and it is fun but mainly a time killer the end.

-so i had little money to do something for bitch but i was able to muster up some romantic shit for him because he is a sucker for it where i am sorta the opposite but since it was his birthday i thought hey why not so i told him i had to work at crapland last night which i did but cancelled since i realized it was bitches birthday but i kept telling him i had to and he was bummed and so after work i went and bought some pasta and salad to make and then some red roses and some wine (i was wanting to get him a gift certicate to get a tattoo he is all creaming about but i dont have that much dinero as fido are assholes and i wont get into that) and went home and made the bed all nice and cozy and put the roses with wine and two wine glasses and a note that said happy birthday and with arrows pointing to the nightstand and in there i put in a fresh bottle of lube because we had this warming stuff that he bought and it is not so nice in certain areas and ya so intimacy has been null the last week or so and ya. so when he came home i hid behind the couch and he went into the bedroom and i heard the OOOHHHHHOOOHHHHH sounds and i took the cue to surprise and i did and we drank wine and got trashed after enjoying a delightful meal i cooked because i am fabulous and talented in many ways and we tote did all hot and bothered stylee. i am the best.

another year...

Happy Birthday Bitch!!!
love you more than what you can imagine!@#