sleeping with tool in miami

-me and sleep go so hand in hand it is not even funny sorta like penis and ass HAH i am fucking hilarious and gross. my manager at crapland says so too. last night she had a song stuck in her head and i told her to sing the song 'blister in the sun' and it will rid her of any song stuck in her head which is so true well it works for me and she was like YA A SONG ABOUT MASTURBATION PROBABLY WORKS and we discussed maturbation about how it is good clean fun if you are single, in a relationship etc and i was like OR EVEN IF YOU ARE IN A CIRCLE SURROUNDED BY MEN and she laughed but said i was pushing it. OBVIOUSLY she has never had the pleasure... neither have i though. ahem. but ANYWAY what i was getting at is i love to sleep and i TOTALLY slept in this morning. i woke up at like 6:30 to the coffee brewing and i was like excellent and i said to myself SELF GO BACK TO BED WHILE COFFEE IS BREWING BUT ONLY FOR 5 MINUTES well i apparently do not listen to myself very well because i woke up 2. 5 hours later. nice huh. my coworkers thought i was dead or something. so i walking around my office with my tail in between my legs and typing blawg stuff rather than work.

-i just did a booking for some client going to miami and the city code is MIA and it made me think of MIA the singer/artist and i am reminded of how much i love her and she is fabulous and bitch downloaded a track yesterday of the 'yeah yeah yeahs' goldlion or something remixed by the guy who works with MIA and it is weird but good. but MIA is the shit. you all should go buy her stuff.

-yesterday walking by HMV on robson i saw a sign that was telling people about the new tool album and i shit myself right then and there. seriously shit myself. not actually but mentally. i heart tool to the 100th degree and i have seen them live many times and people say i am a weird fag for liking tool because you know us fags can only like kylie minogue and britney spears and have sex only to her song toxic but people are fucked up with their gawd damn stereotypes and i was looking around tool stuff on the web and i came across this music festival coachella and essentially i would slit my wrists about 5 or 6 times to go to this. but in a way i am glad i can not even realisitically goto this because if i did i would be a pile of flesh crying because i would be so torn on where to go to see who when. but i know i would be at the main stage at 10:45 on sunday to midnight for sure. for sure for sure!!!

bitchy yellowness

-my asian boss lady has obviously effected me all OCD style in regards to horticulture... that word is funny WHORE-tuculter. whore. i like that word. but we have plants in the office and whenever there is a yellow leaf or something looks like it is dying she will come out and cut it off saying YELLOW PLANTS ARE BAD LUCK and i at first was like YOUR FUCKING CRAZY but now i have picked up the habit and there is this one palm type plant that most of the leaves have turned yellow and i have cut them all off and there is like one leaf left and there is a slight hue of yellow but i am not sure if it is me just wishfully projecting yellow onto the leaf so i can go over there to cut it off but then if i do i will be tempted to throw it away but i do not want to throw it away because when there are leaves on it is nice but right now it looks like a sad charlie brown tree.

-oh update time. 10 days till hawaii bitches!!!!!!

-i hate in relationships when you go through that phase where it is like MY BOYFRIEND IS AN ASSHOLE AND I HATE HIM to the point you sleep on the couch rather then sleep to the other person because even his touch repulses you you are so angry and then after a day of HI ... HOW ARE YOU... GOOD, YOU? ... FINE... GOOD I AM GOING TO BED conversations you start to miss the person you actually love and the anger goes away and then the other realizes you have simmered down and then the other will say something like sorry and then it turns into a massive sex fest all over the place and then after it is all like LOVE and i then feel gross and need a smoke and then something happens again where anger comes raging back up and it is the cycle all over again. it is exhausting but the sex is always good. tonight i think i will hate bitch some more...

-ohh.. boring story. back when i liked vagina or thought i did i was dating this girl and we tote were into each other and one day we went to a flea market and i bought this ring with her that had turtles on it and i put it on my finger but more like jammed it on and i could not get it off because i have big fat i-crack-my-knuckles knuckles and girlfriend said WELL NOW YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO FORGET ME and it has been there for almost 6 years and last night i was washing my hand and suddenly it sorta just slipped off and it was weird. it then made me
all thoughtful and crazy and i started to think of girlfriend so i called her and i have not spoken to her for SO LONG and we talked like forever. it was nice.

that is her. but that was after we broke up and i was all realizing i actually liked cock.

narso-white painted smile

-i opened my desk drawer this morning and in the bottom of it was a shirt that i had put in there last week because it was casual friday and i was warm so i took the polo off and stuck it in my drawer (i was wearing an undershirt) and i just found it this morning and i smelled it because that is habit from when i do laundry because now that i have to pay for that shit i will not wash it until it stinks or has urine soaked on it and so i smelled the shirt and it had that boy smell and ladies i know you know what i mean about 'boy smell' it is that smell you smell on your bf's/husband/partner blablabla shirt or clothes and when you smell it your like mmmmm i will sleep with this shirt and i smelled my shirt and i was like if i were dating me and i left my shirt behind at my place i would smell it all the time because i smell good on shirts. ...

-here are some shots of my paintings...
pekoopekoo the tree spirit that dislikes feces

SHIT*?! what did i do last night

SHIT*!? what did i step in

this is just some painting a friend asked for she wanted coral colored flower or something whatev that is what she is getting and ya.


-and i like this shot of me looking gay and all WOE IS ME ... such a fag!@#!

pasty white kitty

-so imax was neh. we went and it was all 3D and cool and stuff but we were sitting at the very back of the theater because they assign you the seats the gestapos they are and they must give the stoned kids the back row that way they do not enjoy the movie to the fullest because as you are sitting there giggling about how amazing all these jellyfish look and wow they are right in front of your face and then they swim and disappear into the fro in front of you because they lady believes beehive hairdos are still the greatest thing. so that sucked. fros and 3D do not go well. so ya. save your money on the imax and just goto hawaii on may 7 and swim with the real thing.

-we needed new toothpaste so i went and bought that crest white expressions flavor stuff because i am all about whitening my teeth because carmandy from what not to wear says the best secret to looking younger and healthier and is a fresh white smile with crest premium white strips and i really do no think that is the secret but it is from carmandy because crest is paying her to say so and i believe carmandy because she has no last name it is just carmandy and people with no last name are pretty cool except prince he creeps me out hes totally gay but yet all these women are like SWOOON HE IS FABULOUS. and it is like HI IF YOU ARE USING THE WORD FABULOUS TO DECRIBE SOME GUY YOU LIKE THEN HE IS GAY!@#$ anyway the toothpaste flavor i got was lemon mint or something lemon and i do not like it it tastes like i am brushing my teeth with pledge.

-so i get a phone call last night from my mom and she was all laughing because she is like YOUR CAT IS A DRUGGIE and i am thinking uh what are you getting at and my parents have this cat nip plant out in the backyard and they my cat out to wander the backyard and what she normally does is eat like shitloads of grass and the conveniently pukes it all up inside on the carpet and it is obvious that is what you call kittykarma for maybe not feeding her when you should but anywayanyway so my dad emails me these pictures and he titles them DRUG CAT and it is of my cat patches all curled up in the cat nip planter cause she is all high or something. when a cat nip plant buds it totally looks and smells like weed and i wanted to smoke it once but my parents looked at me like UH OH INTERVENTION TIME so i just dropped it and drank a beer instead.



my cat is adorable all fucked up on cat nip no??? oh. i love her.

pink squids of gramma

-so i admit i like pink. the color is cool but i am talking about the singer pink. i think her husband that motorcycle guy is hawt in a weird way. i would love to be a fly on the wall while those two have sex. i bet pink pulls out massive dildos and carey is like YES. actually careys partner on Inked is even hawter. thomas i think his name is. i would hump. i would even pay. i can be sad like that. but anyway point being i think pink is a good singer BUT do not get me wrong i can not stand her pop shit music and i think it is a waste of such amazing vocal talent but sometimes she pulls out songs that are like wow and i love them and you can hear the amazing voice that she has that linda perry tote loved. i love linda perry. so anyway go check out this live version of pinks' 'dear mr president'. my favorite part is when she is like "you have come a long way from whiskey and cocaine" . hah. its funny cause it is true.

-so it is for sure i am going to the imax tonight all stoned to watch DEEP SEA 3D and i can not wait to see like 3D squids touching my face like i am sitting in the middle of a circle jerk.

-i just found out the my friends gramma who i have adopted as my gramma is coming in from moosejaw and i am so excited and i love gramma because she can make bacon like nobodys business and one time when friend shari and i went to go visit her we drove and on the way back she gave us bread and lettuce and tomatoe and i freezer bag of cooked bacon so we could make blts on the way home but all we did was eat the bacon and felt fat. it was so good. i can not wait to see gramma. in the excitement i went to see if i have this one picture i love of her and i and it is from a wedding and i look TRASHED and gramma loves it


i love that picture and in searching i found a couple of other pictures from when we went and visited gramma back in 2oo2


that is me and friend shari trying to ride a horse and it was fun but when the horse would run i was like THIS IS HURTING MY ASS and shari was like ME TOO and i was like I WISH I WAS IN THE CITY ON A BLAZE DRIVE and friend shari was like ME TOO.

and i think i have mentioned this but in moosejaw when you go into a pub you can order a 'schooner' of beer which is another word for HUGE MUTHAFUCKIN BEER and when i said can i get a pint of ricards red and she was like did you want a schooner and i had no idea to me it sounded something like a straw i dunno and i was like SURE and then they gave me that beer. that was the closest i ever came to grazing my fingers along the lines of heavens door.... sigh.

backwards gniklat (aka talking) stoned

-i am thinking that the excitement for hawaii is like making me stupid retarded all dyslexic style. last night bitch and i were eating the most amazing dinner i cooked with chicken and alfredo sauce and that is because i am an amazing cook when it comes to chicken and alfredo and bitch leaned over to kiss me thank you and i turned away because it felt like a fucking porcupine touching my face and i was all like NO YOUR TICKERS WHISCKLE and bitch laughed at me like what. then this morning we were lying there and i was trying to get motivated because my dress shirt and pants were yelling to be ironed and bitch goes SO WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT SUCKING COCKS LAST NIGHT and i was like what is he talking about and i said I DONT REMEMBER SOCKING ABOUT TALKING COCKS and bitch laughed at me like what. i do not know. it just pours out of my mouth but in my brain i know what i am wanting to say but it comes out ass backwards which is weird. oh well. i still look good.

-bitch got arrested a short while ago (long story) and when he did he lost his battery to his cell phone so i gave him one of my old phones to use and he just sent me a text asking why i have the word "3sum" saved into the phones dictionary and i was like BECAUSE I HAVE THEM ALL THE TIME all joking but now he is grilling me about three somes via text asking with who and how many times and do i enjoy them which goes to show sarcasm does not translate through text messages very well. i just sent him one back saying I NEED TO WORK STOP and his reply was STOP TEXTING ME THEN. what a bitch.

-so out of a lack of stuff to do and boredom i have decided that tomorrow i am going to get all stupid high school stoned and goto the imax and watch the current 3d movie palying about life in the sea or some shit. last time i saw some 3d imax movie was some cirque de soliel thing and it was good and trippy but at the end when the credits started to roll nobody stood up and i was all stoned thinking um is everybody asleep but no everybody wanted to see the credits because they were 3d too and i was like this is fucked but no one else was standing up and i was too stoned to be the first just in case so it was possible that all those people were stoned waiting for someone to stand up too but did not want to be the first. i will see what happens tomorrow evening...

speaking of stoned... happy 4:20 biatches. hah. i really am not caring about 4:20 but i remember this time last year i got to leave the office early because i had an insurance test to take and when i came back to downtown i was like whoa look at the art gallery cause it was full of people smoking pot which people do today all together at 4:20 and it makes downtown smell like a house in coquitlam (hah. i am super funny and if you live in bc then you will get that joke about grow ops)...

dripping gaps

-i have the worst nasal drip going on and it is making me feel sick and i am sitting here talking to clients and then suddenly it is like KURPLOOSH in the back of my throat and i am like HAACCKK sorry about that and the client is all like UH HUH. it is so not sexy right now.

-the good thing about dating someone who works at clothing store that is not GAP is that you get clothes that are not GAP and is always a nice surprise because then the first thing i think when i see the new items are SWEET NOW I DO NOT NEED TO WEAR GAP ALL THE TIME and ya. bitch bought me this new hoodie which i totally love because it is brown and has these weird stick figures or something on it and i think he bought it because i am all about painting stick figures and also because i keep wearing this one hoodie of his that is from zara and i keep wearing it because it is not fucking gap and it is comfortable. you may ask why do you wear all gap well it is something that happens when you work for the company for like half a cats year and you get 50% off clothes so it is hard to buy regular priced clothes because you scoff at a pair of jeans for like 60 bucks. its sorta stupid. he also bought me another pair of sunglasses for hawaii i am seriously having enough pairs to wear a different pair each day i am in hawaii. how exciting i will be know as 'one of those fags in room ___ how has a HUGE collection of sunglasses'.

-have i mentioned that i am going to hawaii. i am in like 16 days and counting. great news eh? just in case you did not know.

-i was going to write more but i am seeing this thing saying scheduled maintence and i do not want to get cut off and find the post completely gone half way through because that makes me soo angry even if the post is stupid about gap clothes i dislike it when shit just disappears. so bye.

malaysian glass

-i promised bitch that my next post would be titled 'malasyin glass' because on our way into surrey (he was going in for his family easter dinner and i was going for mine) on the escalator we were standing there and some asian guy was ahead of us and i made some comment about having 'asian ass' in my face and bitch was so offended and i was like I SAID MALAYSIAN GLASS and he was like you need to name your next post that so there.

-i was at work yesterday and some east indian lady was all like YES WE DO NOT HAVE TO WORK TOMORROW and i was all like ya and YOU HAVE US WHITE PEOPLE TO THANK FOR THAT BECAUSE JESUS DIED AND CAME BACK AGAIN LETS SEE YOUR GANESHA DO THAT and everybody laughed. i am hysterical.

-i am at my parents right now and dinner was good but i went to a pub with friend shari and dale before and i had too many pints of beer and so when i came home for dinner i was like IM FULL but not really just full from beer and i ate some dinner and passed out and i just woke up and they were like WE PUT YOUR BEER IN THE FRIDGE what loving parents. they have padded toilet seats and i just love them they are so comfortable i could sit on them all day and fantisize about bears or something random and i started to think about the whole phrase 'taking a shit' and who made that up and how seriously mentally retarded they are because you are not 'taking' a shit because you are not taking something away from someone you are giving so the phrase should be i am 'giving a shit' but everybody will look at me like i am some freak and be all like YOUR A GIVING A SHIT?? and i will respond GIVING A SHIT IS THE NEW BLACK and then everybody will say it so i will see what happens.

hearing the oracle irritation

super busy holy cow. the other night i was working at theGAP and when i was working i saw this person by the denim wall and i was all like i guess i will go do my job and help out and when i went over i was all like WOW HE IS CEEEEUUUUUUTTTTTE and so i asked if he needed to be plowed err i mean if he needed a hand and he turned and as he did so i noticed he had hearing aids and then he said with the deaf voice that he was fine and i was like okay and i walked away and i started to think very unpure thoughts have ravaging the deaf kid and i started to wonder what type of sounds he would make during the throws of passion and if it would be all children-of-a-lesser-god sound and i was like interesting so i asked my manager what she thought and she thought i should go start cashing out. he was super duper cute. i then ended up ringing him through and managerlady was like how old do you think he is and i was like HE PAID WITH A VISA SO I KNOW HE IS OLD ENOUGH TO BUY ME A FILLET MIGNON AFTER I RAVAGE THE POOR LITTLE THING and she told me to keep cashing out...

last friday i met the oracle from the matrix and she works at my local cold beer and wine and news flash NEO she is white!@!. i was at the beer and wine store and i was doing my friday afternoon purchase to get me through to the next day and as i was standing there the cashier lady was all like HOW ARE YOU and i said glad it is friday and she said no kidding and i said IT SEEMS LIKE EVERY FRIDAY I AM THANKFUL IT IS FRIDAY AND THEN MONDAY COMES AND I START TO LOOK FORWARD TO FRIDAY AGAIN and she said NOOOOOOO you should not do that because you will waste your life away and then she said something so profound she goes YOUNG MAN IT IS NOT ALWAYS ABOUT THE DESTINATION BUT SOMETIMES IT IS ALL ABOUT HOW YOU GET THERE and it made me feel all introspective and like WOW she is PROFOUND.

-bitch and i were just texting it out (read argument over text messages while i am at work) and i just texted him FUCK YOU and i meant it and it sucks that i just did that but i can not turn back and he just IRRITATES me with his lack of thinking through shit. AHGDLKAHJKEUIOASTOYDFALKUGH

strange oahu dayz

-i am in the office on a sunday because i am having a SHITLOAD of work to do and i am like whatev i might as well do it today rather than have to do it during the week and all stress about it and plus this week coming up i have about 25 hours plus to work at theGAP for some reason and i am not going to get rid of any shifts because i want more money so i will tote bust my ass this week because that means maybe an extra maitai or two in hawaii. speaking of hawaii i am being told i am making people angry because i am mentioning hawaii so much at theGAP and i am like SO?! I WILL *HAWAII* SAY WHATEVER *MAUI* I WANT AND WHEN *HONOLULU* I WANT AND IF PEOPLE *HAWAII* DO NOT LIKE IT THEN TOO *MAUI* FUCKING BAD and i think i am allowed since it is my first time and i am excited and if people do not like it then whatev because they are not going to hawaii on may 7th.
i am working on tons of itineraries and after about 3 hours i just went down to have a smoke and when i did i saw this chick running around the front of my building and she says to me I AM LOOKING FOR EGGS?! and i wanted to make some wildly inappropriate joke about her ovaries or something but my brain is so drowned in flight times and accommodations in europe and shit that i could not even utter a sentence so what she got was 'uhh... no.' and she walked away. weird.

-here are more pictures from days gone by... in 2000 a group of my friends used to hold 'get togethers' (read: a reason to keep dancing after a rave ended' on sunday mornings in Seattle during the summer and they were called SUNDAZE and they were actually fun and one time i went to Seattle just for the sundaze not the rave and it was so chill and relaxed it was fun with like stilt walkers, poi people, and crazy people who most were my friends...



thats me and gina... gina is cooler than a polar bears toe nail





i feel weird posting on a sunday... strange.

experiencing crazy scars

-last night i got to work with a new manager lady in theGAP and she is totally nice and cool and at one point i was like YOU WOULD BE FUN TO DRINK WITH and she laughed and said i was good looking and that she is fun to drink with. i like random compliments. and it made me think i like meeting new people and drinking with them because then they get to experience the ultimate experience which is me passing out randomly somewhere and then the next day they are all like WHOA LAST NIGHT YOU FELL ASLEEP AT THE PUB STANDING UP WHILE TALKING TO ME IT WAS SO WEIRD and i am like TOTE I DO IT ALL THE TIME and then i party with new friends but then old friends start to think i hate them but i do not hate them it is just that they have already experienced that ultimate experience so when i start to fall asleep while drinking they are like THERE HE GOES AGAIN so that is no fun. i like the idolization of my sleeping habit i do not want to be pah-say.

-i was just waiting for the elevator downstairs and i heard some lady talking with some guy saying the only reason she does crosswords is because she does not want to become crazy when she is older and she can not stand doing crosswords but it is 'preventive maintance' so she does not become crazy...... um ya

-i think girls liking hockey is so the new pink. i walked by a group of about 5 ladies and they were all babbling about some shoot out and i was thinking WHOA these chicks are talking about some massive gun fight they are HARDCORE and then another one pipes up about how vancouver better beat calgary or no playoffs and i realized they are all squeeling about hockey.

-i received some email from a friend from way back who lives in eugene oregon and it totally made me all nastalgic and remembering things so i decided to pull out a cd that has tons of old pictures from like 2000-2003 and i came across this sweet picture of me and when i thought i was mr.gymnastics on a trampoline and this was the result.

sexy huh? i hoped it would scar all cool like and people could then call me scarface and then i would have a pet tiger and dip my face in a huge mountain of coke on my desk but it did not. boooooo.
expect more random pictures of days gone by. some are really fun.

ultra violet cum along

-so bitch and i have started tanning because we do not want to look all pastey-british when we go to maui and so yesterday i told him about this salon right by my office and he went in for 5 minutes and did this tanning-blasted-with-artifical-UV-rays thang and i went in same place at the end of the day and i did the stand up tanning-blasted-with-artifical-UV-rays thang and everytime i go into those things it makes me remember about when i was single and a big ho and i met this one guy and he came over to my place and he was like super fake and baked and i was all YOU LIKE TO TAN HUH?!? and he told me that he likes to tan because the stand up booths are the only place that he can actually get off when he masturbates and i was like HUH so i did what every self respecting fag would do and i slept (edit: when i just first published this entry i noticed i had spelt 'slept' as 'spelt' and that made me laugh at the visual it created of me sitting there naked with mr.i-masturbate-in-tanning-booths asking for origin and definition of words in hopes to spell them correctly haha) with him, took a smoke from him, and asked him to leave as my room mate did not know i was gay which was complete bullshit since because at the time i was living with the hugest queer downtown and never called the guy again. anyway there is no way i could masturbate in those things because i am all too concerned for an even tan and i would not want it too look like i had vitiligo on my genitals so needless to say though i do a thorough wipe down of those things all OCD style when i enter them because of that one time with that freak. bitch is already showing results which pisses me off but he says it is because he has native blood in him (explains his bizarre and selective tolerance to alcohol) and he says that my irish and swedish blood do the opposite and refuse the rays and i was all like whatever I HAVE BIGGER MUSCLES and that shut him up.

note i went into google and typed in tanning and the above picture is what popped up first and i find it very disturbing...

drinking clay artifacts

-last friday i went over to friend arrans place and he has an amazing place especially if you are all amazed by old stuff like nazi germany type old or unique 'whatdafuck' old. i like drinking there because one moment you will be in front of a cabinet full of nazi or something or other war type helmets with the points on top and then you will see a aligator on the wall and a crow above you and then as you walk you come across a huge 'chinese marriage bed' or something and we were all wondering what a 'chinese divorce bed' looks like but i am sure it is amazing like the newlywed bed. hah they should call it that instead it sounds better...







but anywayanyway that night was a first in the fact that i went over to his place and i had beer and i did not end up using his floor as my place of rest for the night which normally happens because i go all LETSDRINK TO GET FUCKED attitude but i have changed that and i had 3 beer and was like NEH I NEED TO GO HOME I AM TIRED. so i went home and then i found bitch with beer so i drank and got wasted at home with bitch instead. it was fun.

i am delayed on weekend events because i have been busy like crazy busy no time for play type busy. my schedule was like
Monday - wake up at 6:30 get ready for work and work from 8:30 to 5:30 then goto some seminar/presentation of tourism maui from 6:00p to 8:30p get home around 9:15p have some tea go to bed at 10:00p
Tuesday - wake up at 6:30 get ready for work and work from 8:30 to 5:30 then goto theGAP and work 6:00 to 10:00 get home around 11:00p goto bed
Wednesday - wake up at 6:30 get ready for work and work from 8:30 to ... (i am still at the office and it is 6:00 and i decided to take a blawgbreak)
tomorrow will look just like tuesday and friday will look like last weekend hopefully. fun fun but i am not angry about the working thing because it will help create more money to spend in maui and not to mention that seminar i went to on monday resulted in 2 free alcohol drinks at one of the hotels i am staying at because i met one of the sales guys ... he was nice but bald creepy nice. his name was clay. i have weird feelings from people named after something found in mud and dirt.

painted testicular genius

-i have totally caught the painting bug. i feel amazing and very artistic. bitch tried painting on this spare canvas that i had and he was slightly drunk and he was all like I CAN DO THIS and i just smiled and sipped my wine and watched him as the paint ran down the canvas, blotches all over and horrific brush strokes (haha i just said that to sound pretentious and artsy because i really have no idea what horrific brush strokes are but i do know what are horrific brain strokes those are bad my dad had one but he is fine now thank gawd but for awhile he was all fucked up on one side of his body and his one foot would drag around and my mom wanted to tie a mop head to his foot so at least he would not be too useless... hah i love my mother) and he was all WOW THIS IS HARDER THAN IT LOOKS and that gave me more fuel to paint and last night i finished a new one of some stick figure stepping in dog shit. GENIUS! it is very explodingdog inspired but with my own touch of shit. bitch says i should make a series of them all about this one guy walking in the park and BOOM SHIT ON HIS SHOE and we will line the kitchen wall with it but i am not sure people want to walk into a kitchen that has a story of a man and his foot encased in shit but i know i would be like AWESOME SHIT MAN but maybe not my parents but then again my parents vulgarity has gotten worse as i get older i think i am training them well. it surprises me...
ie. my dad the other week or so was asking me about bitch:
- -
me: did you transfer the computer payment into my account?

dad: yes i did son... hows davey boy? (my dad calls him that for some reason)

me: hes fine... still a bitch tho!

dad: have you chained his wallet to his testicles yet?

me: [quiet for a second since my dad just mentioned my boyfriends testicles]...um no i hope i do not have to go that far...

dad: well you should cause can you imagine how much fun it would be to borrow money off him [laughs hysterically]

me: ....um ya....
--

like hey cudos to father for being comfortable enough to talk about me sucking off my boyfriend while borrowing money since i just came out to my parents earlier last year but um weird coming from him.

when i get home tonight i will be sure to download the pictures of my painting so you can see the simplistic genius known as me.

ps- HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAYMI!@#

twitching lunch

-the last couple of days have been interesting and busy in the office because one coworker lady is off this week on vacation and our receptionist has "the flu". so it has been only a couple of us which i like and totally bosslady becomes uber generous and bought us lunch. i love free lunches and we goto this place called Sciue which is some italian bakery and it is pretty good and 'sciue' in italian regional slang means something hawt like fast and hard or good and hard... i just looked it up it means 'good and fast'. that is still hawt. anyway this guy who works there is some italian guy and his name is da-vee-day the italian with chest hair and bling or that is what i call him because he is italian and he always has his shirt slightly open with some very italian chest hair sticking out sorta carressing whatever silver blingy type necklace he has on. he is super nice though. in my mind he wants me but i do not think he is attractive i just think that because it makes me feel good that some italian guy wants to plow me. today i had their minestrone. delicious. bosslady just asked if we want lunch again tomorrow...

-i have this fucking twitch by my upper lip and it has not stopped for like a week or something stupid and medically worrisome but i am cool but it does become irritating at times because i feel like everybody can see my alien twitch and might think i am trying to impersonate elvis or some shit but it is not that case i am probably just coming down with a bad case of park-in-sons.. oh wait is that the one where people twitch and shake and shit..? anyway. the twitch is driving me nuts.

hawaii visual rub in

-these are the three locations that bitch and i will be staying at in hawaii. i am so envious of myself. i can not wait. when we get there i am going to run around the bushes and pretend i am locke from LOST and yell I CAN WALK FIND ME THE HATCH NOW OR I WILL SLICE JACKS THROAT all crazy style and then the resorts will totally black list our agency... it will be fun. i need to start tanning because if i do not then once i get there i will be totally burnt with 5 minutes. so i need to get on that. i just looked at the pictures again. swoooon. the second one is my favorite and that is where we will be staying for the majority of the trip in maui. i love sand....

i do not have much to say these days so i will get trashed in the next couple of days because when ever i do that usually supplies me with some fuel for this ill burning fire i call BLAWG>

salami sleepovers and muses

-so last week i was chatting with raymi who if you are not knowing who that is she is like some blawger genius who is a genuine genius who generally says funny and true things. hah aliteration...
anywayanyway she made a painting and that instigated talking of my paintings and i showed her some pictures of some paintings that i have not finished and i have been stuck on this theme of painting PISSED OFF FLOWERS WITH EXPLOSIVE THOUGHTS and she liked them and then she said DO CATS PLEASE so that got me thinking over the weekend and i did more thinking and then suddenly i am going to change themes to PISSED OFF FELINES WITH EXPLOSIVE THOUGHTS> stroke of genius... so this is my imaginary cheers to raymi and her musing suggestion. she will get a cat painting as a result. eventually because i suck at time lines. it will look like this sorta of...

raymi if you are reading do some further musing and tell me what color you like or what is your favoritest color so when you get it you are not like THIS WHOLE THING SUCKS you will instead say THIS SUCKS BUT AT LEAST HE USED MY FAVORITE COLOR _______!@#!

-i just went to go downstairs to get some lunch because my stomach is not talking it is having a full fledged group conference call down there (hah i made this joke on friday and eastern european coworker did not get it but i thought i was terribly funny so i am going to keep using this line until someone laughs or tells me i am a retard) and then i remembered i have like 200grams of genoa and 150grams of hot genoa at home and i know i will eat that in one sitting and become fat so i am fasting until then. i will just drink coffee in the mean time.

-bitch and i have decided not to go out anymore because we both scoff at spending 15 dollars on a picther of beer when that same money will buy us a 6 pack and we can get looped in the privacy of our home that has very thin walls and then we invite friends over and we have slumber parties where we talk about how trashed we are and peniseses and things like how i woke up at 3am to the smoke alarm going off and found all these friends in my apartment because they like to come over and drink at our apartment. it is fun. then the next day i walk into the living room and open the blinds and make them get up because i want to play xbox games.

stoking the internet wine

-more and more i am wanting internet at home for the longest time i did not want it because then i would become a recluse and not like society or anybody unless it was someone i met online and not to mention i would try and 'hook up' with people out of habit from my old slutty-hey-i-saw-your-profile-on-face-pic-lets-go-for-coffee-but-we-both-know-that-actually-means-lets-go-fuck-somewhere-and-never-talk-to-eachother-again-unless-we-see-eachother-around-somewhere-where-we-will-akwardly-say-hi-how-are-you-and-then-walk-away-thinking-WHATWASITHINKINGWHENISCREWEDHIM which is not good since i am now in a relationship coming up to the 2 year mark and ya. but lately i will be sitting at home bored out of my mind and then my mind thinks of something humorous and i think to myself SELF YOU SO NEED TO BLAWG THAT and then come the morning i have forgotten because either i drank too much wine or because i just forgot since i have the memory retention of a dead fish. so i am thinking i need internet because i am starting to feel like a moron since i can not remember shit.



-watching the news the other day in my state of boredom and i saw this story about how the government here are wanting to start a program where they give out free red wine to hardcore homeless drunk people. i blinked and thought HEY I AM GOING TO BECOME HOMELESS AND HAVE MY VICES JUST HANDED TO ME BECAUSE I AM A SOCIAL FUCK UP BUT HEY I GET FREE RED WINE but then i am too vain to allow my appearances turn to shit just for free red wine, but maybe if i become desperate i will go wipe feces all over me and go out and see if i can get some. bitch saw this story too and solidified why he will never be a politician because his comment on this was WHY DONT THEY JUST SHOOT THEM ALL. bitch is so compasionate.

-have i mentioned that i am going to hawaii soon. i am. and i am fucking stoked on the whole thing. i can not believe i just used the word stoked. hawt. that is all

booting the power out

-my weekend was neh whatev. i fell asleep on friday so i did not get all trashed like for saint patricks day. but on saturday after work i came home and bitch and i went to the beer and wine store and as were entering some kids asked us to boot so i was like whatev because i remember being young and asking people to boot for me and i would always get a 40 pounder of old english because it was cheep until one time i got violently ill and spued out my stomach everywhere at a friends house which was the only time i have ever really gotten sick from drinking and anywayanyway they wanted to 26'rs of smirnoff and i was like whoa you two can drink hardcore but after giving it to them like 10 kids came out of no where and joined them and i was like HOW OLD ARE YOU and they said 15!@#! holy shit eh? i felt guilty after that because i totally picture them getting home all trashed and their parents all angry and ask them WHERE DID YOU GET THIS ALCOHOL and they would be like SOME COOL GUY BOUGHT IT FOR US and they she would totally curse me out if she knew me. so we went back home and drank and he had to work the next day so i got loaded just to spite him and be like HAH. sunday rolled around and i was so out of it and then i went out to return some games that rogers kept calling and asking for so i did that and i started to drink wine left over from the night before i cooked a meat loaf but by the time it was done cooking i was passed out so bitch ate it. he took a video of me when i was starting to pass out and i was all like DOOOOONNNNNTTT like a lil 4 year old and then i smack the camera and i bitch about my finger because i burnt it while cooking on the oven rack. i woke up this morning pretty gross feeling.

-while watching the news this morning, the traffic lady started to giggle while talking about how a car hit a power pole. that made me chuckle and then there was this story about some guy who went to costa rica and fell and broke his jaw and then when he woke up in the hospital his kidney was gone. hah sucker. his jaw is still fucked to boot too

-every song i hear on the radio today i keep thinking it is that feist song and i started singing INSIDE AND OUT or whatever she says and then i realize its not even the song. i did some damage to my brain i think.

irish drunken arm pit ants

-so it st. patricks day and i would not be a true irish person if i did not at least mention the day that is the day to get acceptibly trashed and even more trashed and its on a friday so no having to walk into work the next day and when coworker/bosslady asks whats wrong you are not having to say IT WAS BECAUSE OF MY HERITAGE IM HUNGOVER and then they look at you with such disapproval so none of that. but ya. luck of the irish to you which means GO DRINK YOUR BRAINS OUT AND FUCK AN IRISH PERSON!@#! just do not drink the green beer something about that is not right...

bitch is not irish. he is like croatian and other random shit and i said i would give him some irish cheer. on his face. but then i thought i better wait until i am utterly hammered then give him some irish cheer. on his face. but then i thought i better wait until i am utterly hammered and aggresive with a wife beater on and then punch him in the back of the head while giving him some irish cheer. on his face. how irish is that bitch!@

-last night i had to work at theGAP and i was helping some lady with no voice but she would gasp noises that sounded like jeans and belt and shit and i totally helped her find jeans for her 'man' and she was super specific on LOW RISE but when she said it it sounded like CHLOOOCOCOOOCHSCHUHCH REEEEYYEYSISISYE i was like WHAT and she wrote it and i then repeated it back to her all deaf style OOOOHHH LLOOOOOOWWWWW RRIIIIIISSSSSEEEE and she frowned and i grabbed the jeans from the top shelf and when i did it felt like a million little red army ants biting my arm pits. i was like OW FUCK and she looked at me and i forgot that she just did not speak but she was fine with hearing and so i retracted OW SHUCK and she frowned again and anyway so she bought her shit for her man who i guess has a nice ass and that is why she is so adiment on getting low rise but at the same time his size was like 38x32. um fat much. anyway my armpits kept burning and burning and i cashed out and i went up to manager lady and i was all like LOOK IT BURNS LIKE AN STD ON MY ARM PITS and she frowned and said i could go home early where i just applied a thick layer of aloe and smoked a huge bowl and fell asleep. i woke up this morning and they still burn and i have no idea what it is but whatev i am going to get drunk tonight because i am irish.