menstrating mices

-i am guessing my psychosomatic ovaries are kicking in today or something i do not know but it is one of those days that i am all like FUCK YOU to whatever for whatever reason. i am feeling gross and not in shape from walking up a flight of stairs and i was like I NEED TO SMOKE AFTER THAT and i was like whoa i DONT need to smoke as i was weezing and then i want to cut my hair but then i want to shave it and i can not figure out what to do especially i have sammy the cyst living on my scalp and i just want to puncture it and take it out and throw it at someone and be like I AM TIRED OF SAMMY YOU MAY HAVE HIM NOW and then i think again because i do not know how to self stitch myself up. so whatev. instead i will cheer myself up by reminding me and people that i am going away AGAIN. i hate work so i am taking more time off and this time it is multiple destinations of fun:



the last one is lake tahoe for those who could not guess or were guessing somewhere in bc but it is not it is in nevada. i will be gone for two weeks. motorhome stylee bitches.
tee minus 3 weeks and 3 days. bitch whore will be coming with us too but he is unable to come for the full two weeks but will fly from las vegas. i just want him to come with us to disneyland so we can fornicate in the tea cup ride together and then get escorted out of the park by donald duck but i am hoping chip from chip and dale because they were so gay and cute and then i can tell everyone I WAS MASTURBATING ON THE TEA CUP RIDE AND A GIANT SQUIRREL KICKED US OUT and then i will get stabbed by dale because they are actually chipmunks.

whoring the internet breasts

-so i was like so close to mentioning whores in almost 3 posts consecutively but alas there was an iteruption due to the new found internet connection. so for good measure and also because i like to say it WHORE and PRESTIDIGITATION

EDIT: i just went back and ya i was not even close to mentioning whore in 3 posts in a row and i am not sure where i even got that idea. whores on the brain.

-so on saturday night i was like hey lets try and load my wireless card and i may seem like i am knowing what i am talking about but my knowledge of computers and networks and connections is limited and sporadic like my sex drive but anywayanyway i did so and i suddenly was getting signals from all these networks and some worked and some did not and the one that works the best is the one network that is called GAYBOIS and i can only pick the signal up on my bed. figures eh? so ya. it is slow because it is a weak signal but i pretend i am on some dial up bullshit and i am happy. free internet is free internet.

-oh on friday i went out with friend bucci and randy and julia and we went to the strippers and i have not been there since my brothers stag party but ya i went there and i was impressed with the flexible vag's out there that can do some pretty crazy things on poles and with glow in the dark paint and the foutain thing was neat too and at one point a private dancer came to our table and was like PRIVATE DANCE FOR YOU GENTELMEN and bucci laughed and was like YOU ARE TALKING TO A TABLE OF HOMOS and she like gave a blank look and was all pouty as if pouting would change our interest in her vagina and then says WELL I DO HAVE SPECTACULAR BREASTS and i was all like NO NO NO YOU ARE BARKING UP THE WRONG TREE?!? and she was like whatever and walked away. like listen whore (DING) because i am gay and i am not wanting to see you dance around me naked does not mean you can be a bitch.
but ya the beer was expensive and i was refusing to give any of them my 5 dollar bills so we left.
randy is german and was trying to teach me how to say bitch in german and it was something that sounded like WHORE and so i was like HEY BITCH YOUR NEW NAME IS WHORE and randy was like NO NO NO THAT IS NOT RIGHT and i said RANDY IT IS OKAY WHORE IS GERMAN and everyone laughed or at least i did and so did bitch so now bitch is BITCH WHORE in my phone.

speaking of bitch i went to his parents last night and they gave me a picture of him when he was little and cute.

he was pretty cute in the pre-bitch whore days no?

piggyback

-okay i am so excited now since my computer is all like bran' new i just started playing around with my wireless card and i was like LETS SEE IF I CAN CONNECT TO SOMEBODYS WIRELESS SIGNAL OR SOMETHING and wham i am connected to some fags connection around here. it is low but it is working and i am happy and so fucking stoked about this opprotunity to surf at home... not work. sigh...

pictoral interlude - hawaii day 2 & 3 & 4

-pondering life and HOW I CAN SAFELY INJURE MYSELF SO I CAN PROLONG HAWAII

-house of bling pigeons
i swear any pigeon that lived on ohau lived at this house and were on it at the time these photos were taken

-fuck i hate birds and all their bird shit





-SUSHI AND BEER!!@!

-from our balcony at the resort in maui



-bitches CHANEL pose

-bitch chasing some bird around while drunk on mai tais





-to be continued...

thy draft has left me weak

-this last week i have been reaquainting myself with an old friend who i truly missed while in hawaii. that is good ol' canadian beer. and after the last week of reaquainting i have but one thing to say to american beer FUCK YOU!@#! seriously that shit is piss with a 4% alcohol percent or something pussy like that. last night bitch and i went out to our favorite place to drink on commerical and after 4 beers i was on the brink of doing something retardedly funny and stupid i was that drunk. i could not believe it. 4 beer...?! we even had sex and i do not even remember... 4 BEER?!?! keenan can vouch for me here i am like the family dog with table scraps when it comes to beer. i can keep consuming and consuming until i fall asleep. but 4 beers?!?! so FUCK YOU AMERICAN BEER for lowering my tolerance level that i worked so hard to achieve through countless nights of drinking with no reason and falling asleep in the most awkward places at the most inopprotune times all in the name of a high tolerance level to alcohol... and at the same time THANK YOU AMERICAN BEER because i forgot what it was like to be all hey i am trashed off 20 dollars of pub beer. but still FUCK YOU. and if any american is offended by this FUCK YOU and come to vancouver and i will buy you four beers and see how you feel and then tell me how offended you are by this post.

fuckin bud light... no wonder their 6 packs were only 4.99!

deleting the shell foot

-so my long weekend was not that eventful like on friday night we hung out with some people bitch works with and i was totally bored and whatever then the next day i worked the whole day at crapland and my feet started to really hurt and i thought maybe it was just because they were angry that they have not done an 8 hour shift in a while and so i went home and rubbed them and there was actually something in the bottom of my foot with a layer of skin grown over and i was thinking right away OMG HAWAIIAN TICK HAWAIIAN TICK and so i poured hot water on my foot because i remember seeing on survivor africa if you get a tick in you you are to pour hot water because they do not like it and they will come to the surface but all that did was cause hot burning pain and no tick and so i picked at the skin and then squeezed and out popped a part of a sea shell. sexy huh?! i loved it. it was so weirdly fun watching something being squeezed out of your body. like a really big pimple and you pop it you get that feeling like I NEED A SMOKE THAT WAS SO GOOD. my foot does not hurt anymore.
sunday i took my computer to my dads to have it completely overhauled because my old roommate liked porn especially using my computer for that and he so nicely left computer porn virus' and std's all over my cpu so my dad was going to completely clean it off and in preparation i noticed that all of my 2005 pictures are gone and that was because bitch took the folder and hit delete thinking it was just a short cut on my desktop but no it was actually the folder with all of them in there. not much i can do but i was angry not like i-am-going-to-tear-out-your-jugular-with-my-pinky-finger-and-then-wire-your-jugular-vein-around-my-camera-connection-cord-so-everytime-i-download-pictures-i-will-be-reminded-by-your-glistening-vein-to-INSTANTLY-back-them-up-on-CD type angry but more like if-we-weren't-at-my-parents-right-now-you-would-have-your-camera-lodged-so-far-up-your-ass-you-would-be-choking-up-the-300-dollar-lens but my mom saw how angry i was getting and got me a beer. love moms.
then yesterday since my computer is better now and running properly without weird virus thingys bitch has been creaming and dreaming all about Simcity 4 and has had the craziest urge to play it and he has the old disk but he does not know the product key or something so i bought him a new copy and he loved it and i knew he would be on the computer for the whole day playing it so i bought grand theft auto san andreas which is so 'STREET' like the way the say BITCH as much as i do and the word MUTHAFUCKAS as much as they can. it is so funny. i like the riots and how you can beat up whores and they are usually the ones with the most money. whores! i played the game the whole day and when i would die and i would slam the controller down and smoke thinking I FUCKING HATE THAT GAME and then i would see nothing on TV so i would go back to the game and that cycle happened about 6 million times yesterday.

whore the mystical

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pictoral interlude - hawaii day 1 & 2

-its like my 100th post or some bullshit like that...

-back to pictures bitches... and keep in mind these are all from my camera and bitch has tons more and his are more like arty because he has the 1500 dollar camera with the 300 dollar lens plus stuff so his are tote gorgeous and like postcard like. i will steal his when i am done showcasing mine which essentially means that for the next month you will have to deal with pictures and photobucket will hate me.

-vainity is such a bitch...


-we thought it would be so chanel to pose with fallen palm leaves but we just look crazy

-i look like i amabout to make out with my leaf but then again we found this old samoan guy who made the BEST mai tai's that were seriously like 3/4 alcohol and he would apologize like SORRY BRA LOOKIN AT DA GIRLS and i was all like NO WORRIES KEEP POURING MY FRIEND! so after two of them drinky poos i was all ready to tongue that palm




-and for those who have never seen my nipples ... yes they are that big.

-me in front of this great turtle statue thing that i want in my living room and i would talk to it like a shrine thing with turtle gawds. i love turtles. or honu in hawaiian. and for all the japanese i met on the island they are kame!

-to be continued...

pictoral interlude - hawaii day 1

-the day before we left bitch and stayed at the fairmont yvr and it is a gorgeous hotel and we get to stay free because i have such a gorgeous smile

-i booked a smoking room and bitch did not like that whatsoever so he made me smoke in the closet where the fan was. sorta funny for obvious reasons



-we drank super expensive martinis called hawaiian orchids. the waitress was such a bitch and ignored us and i was all like I THINK SHE IS IGNORING US and bitch in his mean cuteness was all like WHATEV BITCH AINT GOING TO HAWAII TOMORROW IS SHE?!?

-upon arrival in honolulu. bitch was instantly in love





-to be continued....

bling pigeons and cockaroos

-so bitch and i are back from hawaii and we are still in amazement how gorgeous hawaii is. waikiki is fun if you want the beaches with crowds and stuff and maui is nice if you totally want like nothing to do and just scenery and stuff. i love hawaii period. there is not much to say because then i would bore the shit out of everybody with long boring stories that totally mean so much to me but due to the lack of experience meaning that since you were not there then it would mean not so much to you ie. HOUSE OF BLING PIGEONS.. totally love them.


anyway just know that we had an amazing time and when i am not so busy at work i will totally post so many pictures that will make you all crazy not with jealousy but wishing me to stop because i personally took almost 250+ pictures and bitch took like tons too...

bitch is such a camera whore... i had to fight to get in the shots...

mahahlo

-um so i am sitting at the airport and i just realized i never did a final post to say I AM GOING TO HAWAII BITCHES!!! i will be back (maybe if i am not eaten by a shark or some shit like that) in like 9 days. loveme

fatty mcmaui bars

-to start off with i ate a gawd damn beef burrito for lunch today with a side of mexi fries and i now feel like a fucking beef burrito and a side of mexi fries and it makes me all sad and depressed like in terms of body issues because hi just in case you have been living under a rock or have not made contact with me in the last 6 months then you would know that i am like leaving for hawaii in like 4 days and i can not wait but now i am feeling fat as i look down i can see my stomach protruding from my dress shirt and it is :::ack::: actually somewhat in a tiny way but not really but in my self perceptive eyes see it hanging over my belt and oh my gawd i am going to shoot myself no i wont because i want to go to hawaii so i will just have to starve myself in the worst way or actually exercise but that makes me laugh... work out. that is funny but i guess i should write a nice little good bye card to my fucking youthful metabolism. bye it was nice knowing you. and greetings to my permanent exchange student living with me called FAT!!!$!@#

at least fat will get a free trip to this gorgeous place. i plan to be in the water like for all of the day light hours because i just read that the water temp. is like 27 degrees or something like that which is AMAZING because the only time i feel water that warm is when i am peeing on myself in the shower. my purpose is to make you all fucking jealous and i am hoping it is working.

-so bitch and i have laid low the last couple of days. he is still upset on what happened and rightly so but i do not like seeing him all sad so i keep saying hawaii and he smiles and then he tries to pack some more and then he gets sad again but whatever he will not be sad when his feet are in the sand. and i just looked at the picture again and it is not very jealousy/envy inspiring i know but it still looks better than the concrete bench i sit on to have a smoke on my smoke break. tonight we are to goto a birthday party and after the party is transfering to a club but needless to say we are not going to the club because of the obvious reason that a club environment is prolly not the best for bitch and friend got angry at me calling me and bitch a sell out or some shit and i snapped and then she felt bad and then i felt bad. it sucked so i am going to have to explain to her tonight so she understands why i came off as an asshole.

that was all so exhausting

cracking the prude

-so the last post someone commented and said i was icky. that made me think... am i icky. i am not icky i am just open to talk about whatever and my sense of humor is slanted to the sexual side yes but i am not like I EAT FECES... that is icky i am more like I WILL THROW FECES AT YOU BITCH WHILE RUBBING MY CROTCH because that is my level of humor which obviously people do not get and it reminds me of some fag i used to work with at thegap and he was so PRUDISH for a lack of a better word to the point where he would like cover his ears if i mention the word penis and dude was like 25 and i could not believe it yet he would see a picture of a good looking guy and drool over it and i would ask WOULD YOU BOTTOM THAT and he would give me the look like i just kicked his dog (which i would never do because i love dogs but i do like cats more) and say YOURE SOO GROSS and i would laugh and i would retort SO YOU WOULD TOP HIM THEN? and then he would walk away in disgust and i always felt like saying YOU ARE GAY GET OVER IT and then i realized it had nothing to do with him being gay but just a prude fag... gawd i dislike fags sometimes.

-this weekend was a little intense in the world of relationships... and i just realized that it would take WAY to long to get into but lets just say i am unable to contain my excitement on getting the fuck outta here with bitch to hawaii so we can have some good alone time away from friends who get friends trashed and then leave friends downtown trashed late at night walking away with crackheads. i understand it is not other peoples responsibility to babysit when you go out but when you see one of your friends walking away with a crackhead i think friends should step up and help friends out... not let them walk away to have their ipod stollen and have their shoes ripped off to be replaced by some gross ass red ones that belonged to a crackhead and THEN call the signifigant other of the person who just walked away with crackhead to say that OH I LOST YOUR BOYFRIEND HE JUST WALKED AWAY WITH A CRACKHEAD to have significant other totally STRESS OUT and stay awake until 4:00am and even have the mother unit come into town so you can drive around looking for the one who walked away. and believe it or not people I was not the person in question... thank you for your quick assumption though. bitch can drink like a fish too and get into some major trouble... all in all he is okay thank goodness. he is staying sober. i am too for his benefit. now that is love people.

sleeping with tool in miami

-me and sleep go so hand in hand it is not even funny sorta like penis and ass HAH i am fucking hilarious and gross. my manager at crapland says so too. last night she had a song stuck in her head and i told her to sing the song 'blister in the sun' and it will rid her of any song stuck in her head which is so true well it works for me and she was like YA A SONG ABOUT MASTURBATION PROBABLY WORKS and we discussed maturbation about how it is good clean fun if you are single, in a relationship etc and i was like OR EVEN IF YOU ARE IN A CIRCLE SURROUNDED BY MEN and she laughed but said i was pushing it. OBVIOUSLY she has never had the pleasure... neither have i though. ahem. but ANYWAY what i was getting at is i love to sleep and i TOTALLY slept in this morning. i woke up at like 6:30 to the coffee brewing and i was like excellent and i said to myself SELF GO BACK TO BED WHILE COFFEE IS BREWING BUT ONLY FOR 5 MINUTES well i apparently do not listen to myself very well because i woke up 2. 5 hours later. nice huh. my coworkers thought i was dead or something. so i walking around my office with my tail in between my legs and typing blawg stuff rather than work.

-i just did a booking for some client going to miami and the city code is MIA and it made me think of MIA the singer/artist and i am reminded of how much i love her and she is fabulous and bitch downloaded a track yesterday of the 'yeah yeah yeahs' goldlion or something remixed by the guy who works with MIA and it is weird but good. but MIA is the shit. you all should go buy her stuff.

-yesterday walking by HMV on robson i saw a sign that was telling people about the new tool album and i shit myself right then and there. seriously shit myself. not actually but mentally. i heart tool to the 100th degree and i have seen them live many times and people say i am a weird fag for liking tool because you know us fags can only like kylie minogue and britney spears and have sex only to her song toxic but people are fucked up with their gawd damn stereotypes and i was looking around tool stuff on the web and i came across this music festival coachella and essentially i would slit my wrists about 5 or 6 times to go to this. but in a way i am glad i can not even realisitically goto this because if i did i would be a pile of flesh crying because i would be so torn on where to go to see who when. but i know i would be at the main stage at 10:45 on sunday to midnight for sure. for sure for sure!!!

bitchy yellowness

-my asian boss lady has obviously effected me all OCD style in regards to horticulture... that word is funny WHORE-tuculter. whore. i like that word. but we have plants in the office and whenever there is a yellow leaf or something looks like it is dying she will come out and cut it off saying YELLOW PLANTS ARE BAD LUCK and i at first was like YOUR FUCKING CRAZY but now i have picked up the habit and there is this one palm type plant that most of the leaves have turned yellow and i have cut them all off and there is like one leaf left and there is a slight hue of yellow but i am not sure if it is me just wishfully projecting yellow onto the leaf so i can go over there to cut it off but then if i do i will be tempted to throw it away but i do not want to throw it away because when there are leaves on it is nice but right now it looks like a sad charlie brown tree.

-oh update time. 10 days till hawaii bitches!!!!!!

-i hate in relationships when you go through that phase where it is like MY BOYFRIEND IS AN ASSHOLE AND I HATE HIM to the point you sleep on the couch rather then sleep to the other person because even his touch repulses you you are so angry and then after a day of HI ... HOW ARE YOU... GOOD, YOU? ... FINE... GOOD I AM GOING TO BED conversations you start to miss the person you actually love and the anger goes away and then the other realizes you have simmered down and then the other will say something like sorry and then it turns into a massive sex fest all over the place and then after it is all like LOVE and i then feel gross and need a smoke and then something happens again where anger comes raging back up and it is the cycle all over again. it is exhausting but the sex is always good. tonight i think i will hate bitch some more...

-ohh.. boring story. back when i liked vagina or thought i did i was dating this girl and we tote were into each other and one day we went to a flea market and i bought this ring with her that had turtles on it and i put it on my finger but more like jammed it on and i could not get it off because i have big fat i-crack-my-knuckles knuckles and girlfriend said WELL NOW YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO FORGET ME and it has been there for almost 6 years and last night i was washing my hand and suddenly it sorta just slipped off and it was weird. it then made me
all thoughtful and crazy and i started to think of girlfriend so i called her and i have not spoken to her for SO LONG and we talked like forever. it was nice.

that is her. but that was after we broke up and i was all realizing i actually liked cock.

narso-white painted smile

-i opened my desk drawer this morning and in the bottom of it was a shirt that i had put in there last week because it was casual friday and i was warm so i took the polo off and stuck it in my drawer (i was wearing an undershirt) and i just found it this morning and i smelled it because that is habit from when i do laundry because now that i have to pay for that shit i will not wash it until it stinks or has urine soaked on it and so i smelled the shirt and it had that boy smell and ladies i know you know what i mean about 'boy smell' it is that smell you smell on your bf's/husband/partner blablabla shirt or clothes and when you smell it your like mmmmm i will sleep with this shirt and i smelled my shirt and i was like if i were dating me and i left my shirt behind at my place i would smell it all the time because i smell good on shirts. ...

-here are some shots of my paintings...
pekoopekoo the tree spirit that dislikes feces

SHIT*?! what did i do last night

SHIT*!? what did i step in

this is just some painting a friend asked for she wanted coral colored flower or something whatev that is what she is getting and ya.


-and i like this shot of me looking gay and all WOE IS ME ... such a fag!@#!

pasty white kitty

-so imax was neh. we went and it was all 3D and cool and stuff but we were sitting at the very back of the theater because they assign you the seats the gestapos they are and they must give the stoned kids the back row that way they do not enjoy the movie to the fullest because as you are sitting there giggling about how amazing all these jellyfish look and wow they are right in front of your face and then they swim and disappear into the fro in front of you because they lady believes beehive hairdos are still the greatest thing. so that sucked. fros and 3D do not go well. so ya. save your money on the imax and just goto hawaii on may 7 and swim with the real thing.

-we needed new toothpaste so i went and bought that crest white expressions flavor stuff because i am all about whitening my teeth because carmandy from what not to wear says the best secret to looking younger and healthier and is a fresh white smile with crest premium white strips and i really do no think that is the secret but it is from carmandy because crest is paying her to say so and i believe carmandy because she has no last name it is just carmandy and people with no last name are pretty cool except prince he creeps me out hes totally gay but yet all these women are like SWOOON HE IS FABULOUS. and it is like HI IF YOU ARE USING THE WORD FABULOUS TO DECRIBE SOME GUY YOU LIKE THEN HE IS GAY!@#$ anyway the toothpaste flavor i got was lemon mint or something lemon and i do not like it it tastes like i am brushing my teeth with pledge.

-so i get a phone call last night from my mom and she was all laughing because she is like YOUR CAT IS A DRUGGIE and i am thinking uh what are you getting at and my parents have this cat nip plant out in the backyard and they my cat out to wander the backyard and what she normally does is eat like shitloads of grass and the conveniently pukes it all up inside on the carpet and it is obvious that is what you call kittykarma for maybe not feeding her when you should but anywayanyway so my dad emails me these pictures and he titles them DRUG CAT and it is of my cat patches all curled up in the cat nip planter cause she is all high or something. when a cat nip plant buds it totally looks and smells like weed and i wanted to smoke it once but my parents looked at me like UH OH INTERVENTION TIME so i just dropped it and drank a beer instead.



my cat is adorable all fucked up on cat nip no??? oh. i love her.