vice on my head

-ever had one of those weeks where like after everything you just want to shoot yourself in the face but not really shoot just like pertend to end it all type shoot because people piss you off something fierce that was my week and i hated it and i want to relax and drink and love bitch. the end... whatever tho last saturday was hot because we went to some 'vice' party whatever that means and i just knew there was free beer and i was like TOTE LETS GO and so we did and it was aight but the best part was after the buddy who invited us totaaly gave us a free case of beer like 24 free beer people and i was like i will call you SANTA and loved him. great guy,
i danced a lot all drunk like... i was the dancefloor.

bitch was fierce too with lady in denim she was like the coolest thing cause she was super duper trashed like.

asian onion/pictoral interlude: 10:01

-i am not sure what is going on in vancouver but it is like asian fleet week or something there are tons of asain males walking around the city the last couple of days dressed in sailor gear and what is really weird they all look like eachother like tote asian sailor clones with maps in hand it is sorta creepy.

-speaking of asians every morning i goto this bagel place to get a bagel because i am a stupid creature of habit and i like my onion bagel with bacon bit cream cheese and there are these japanese ladies that own and run it and everymorning that i go down and they see me they like yell ONION BACON CHEESE and i always laugh and for some reason today it was louder then normal and it echoed in the hall and i even saw people look back like maybe i have tourettes but it was not me and i feel like norm from cheers when how he would walk in they said NORM but i am cool because i am ONION BACON CHEESE.
pointless really.

-bitchs camera broke a bit ago and he sent in and he just got it back and he was excited so on sunday we went out and he took pictures of stuff and me and i like most of the pictures here are some.



this one is my favorite... i love how i look like i just fell down the stairs...



i took this one... i do not want bitch to get all the credit for great photos especially for one i took even though it is not that good.





ps-if no one comments on how great some of the above pix are you are all fucking blind...

pictoral interlude: ME

-i was looking for pictures of someone for a friend on old cd's and i came across a few pictures of me where i am like whoa i was self obsessed but that was at a time when i was just starting to like me and men and i was becoming happy with myself and who i was and when you are not happy with yourself and you become happy with yourself you go fucking ape shit about yourself and i took a bunch of pictures of me liking myself. and now i am going to post some of my favorites because i am still liking myself but i do not have a valid excuse anymore except a touch of unwarrented vanity.


ps-the shot with the turtle 1)no the turtle isn't real and 2)i am not high. ty.


and i always like this one.

oh yeah and also i have a new hair dresser because he did an awesome job and got it the way i liked it and not to mention his beginning tea tree oil with a minty smell head massage was delightful and worth the money. we talked about guys and what movie actor we would like as a daddy/lover. i said richard gere in the days of pretty woman.

jaw hair no more

-dear jaw. you still hurt when i open you too wide. i am unsure as to why. bitch actually thinks you are in pain from the leftover cold stuff which i was like BITCH YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT but after talking with coworker she said she would have jaw pains when little due to colds so because of you hurting jaw you made me realize bitch is not JUST a pretty face but has some intelligence or is very lucky with throwing out random diagnosisisis without actually knowing what he is talking about. dear hurting jaw please stop because just trying to figure out if i goto a doctor or a dentist is hurting my brain. i think it is a doctor but i will be angry if they say dentist. dear hurting jaw. stop. i had troubles eating my pizza sub from subway with no pizza sause with a tiny bit of lettuce and a bit of onion with extra mayo toasted please and i even splurged on got bacon but i had troubles enjoying because of you jaw. in other news mr. jaw my teeth stopped hurting and my scab has completely fallen (read: torn) off now so you should stop your bodily annoyance that you are causing. love me.

-my hair has hit that point again of absolute unstylability and the last person of professional salon qualities who cut it did an okay job but for 50 something bucks i would have liked the actual style to last more than a week so i am going somewhere new and i have an idea of what i want and this time i am going to a fag because at least he i think will have a better idea of what i am wanting since i have more faith with a fag cutting a fags hair than a hag cutting a fags hair. we shall see. if he does bad then i will not be angry because i have a 50% off coupon and i will punch him in the throat and that will make me feel better if my hair is shit.

-friend bucci is in germany visiting his other half and they saw paris hilton and they waved to her and she did not wave back. he hates her anyway. he has a present for me that apparently he purchased off drunk italian monks and they even blessed the gift for me in a drunken manor which i am hoping he is not meaning puke but then again who has drunken italian monk puke on a souvenier nobody except me that is who. bucci returns on saturday and he and i are going to partake in our own drink fest. he has an xbox that is chipped or something that it can play ANY game from ANY gaming console like i am talking nintendo, atari, genisis, super nintendo and like tons more from back in the day. i spent last sunday playing old nostalgic game after nostalgic game... its great.


like seriously it was sad how much fun i had....

recommendation

-so i just finished this book 'a complicated kindness' by mirian toews and i have to say that it has been a while that i have come across an author that once finishing a book of theirs wanting to go out and buy more and reading all their stuff because i am a freak like that. i did that with john irving and tom robbins. i love their writing and i enjoy miriams too because she has this ability to throw in quick wit in moments that you would not expect and at one point she describes how the main character (nomi) is trying to get ahold of the boy she is involved with after they slept together for the first time and the chaotic franticness she goes throw to find him totally reminded me of situations very similar when i started coming out and sleeping with men and they would not call and in my immaturity i would like track them down to find they had no interest in calling me etc. anyway that moment in the book and on totally captured me and had me stuck. so i am buying more of her stuff. sorry if i just ruined anything but like i said at that moment in the book is where i totally related and realized her ingenious story telling ability. when i was finished i was not satisfied but i was but i was left going BUT BUT but then i again i was happy the way it ended but but...

jaw teeth elbows and snot

-so since i was/am sick well i am not really sick any more i am just in that phase where it is the after effects and when i say after effects i mean like tons of excess snot but ya since then i am just in the mood for complaining about stupid stuff like my jaw is fucked for some reason it is feeling like i preformed fellatio for something stupid like 5 hours or something and let me tell that is not the reason because i barely have the patience or attention span to blow off bitch for more than 2 minutes. i do not know what i did to it but i can only open it so far. maybe if i ignore it it will eventually go back to normal. who knows. um on friday night bitch and i enjoyed deep fried perogies and beer and at one point i bit into something and i do not know what something but whatever it was it shot pain all through out my right side of my teeth. it hurt like hell. then next day i went to drink a beer and i got the shooting pain from the cold. then again last night. i am thinking i fucked up one of my fillings or something. who knows. this morning it wasnt so bad. i hate dentists. my elbow from falling off my bike back when is pissing me off because the scab keeps getting snagged on stuff and ripping and it hurts like hell but probably not really but as i said i am just in a whiny fucking mood so for the time being YES it hurts like hell.

-what i can not complain about was mariah carey on saturday night and yes bitch and i did actually go see the concert and it was actually very good. say what you will about the diva bitch that she is protrayed as or is but girl can fucking sing. unlike all the poptarts out there since she is not concerned with dancing and shit she sings the whole way through and not skimping out on those ever famous high notes. it was good. except for this whiny guy named tray or tre or whatever but he sang two really bad r-kelly type songs and i almost left if he broke into a third but he was just there to keep us 'entertained' while she did a costume change that consisted of adding sunglasses and a necklase to what she was wearing previously. but ya. and busta ryhmes as an opening act was not too shabby either.

-i was waiting for bitch to get off work yesterday so i was in chapters and i always make a point of going to the art section to see if there are any more dali books that i do not already have and some dumb chick is standing in front of all the andy warhol books and she goes DARREN WHO IS ANDREW WARHOL .... IS HE A SINGER... WHY DOES HIS NAME SOUND FAMILIAR and i almost puked at her stupidity. to top it off her boyfriend did not even know. i wanted to say something but i saw she was wearing ankle socks with her flat half open toe shoes and i figure it would be a lost cause. she knew who tupac was though because she squeeled when she saw that 'TUPAC JUST PUT OUT A NEW BOOK... I MISS TUPAC... I BET HE STILL IS ALIVE...' um ya. i wish you could hit random strangers and not get charged for it.

note: i think it may be the excess snot but i think the guy throwing the punch is sorta sexy in that hillbilly way.

sick riddled tv

-so thank you mr.weather changing gawds for changing the weather very suddenly to like super hot and nice where i can go out and smoke in the moring in my shorts or underwear pending on my levels of exhibitionismsims to getting up and throwing on layers of clothing to go out and smoke and shiver because it is all cold like and now because of the change of the weather i have one of those horrible change of the weather colds. every time i type 'change of the weather' i am reminded of an old limerick my dad always used to say about a man from madras who had balls made of glass and with the change of the weather he'd rub them together and lightining shot out of his ass or something like that but i always liked the one that now i think about it was not a limerick but it ended like 'paco now he was a fucker he lined his ass with shards of glass and circumsized the skipper' and that always made me giggle when i was young maybe a forshadowing of my gayness at the thought of a skipper sticking it into paco. i always prayed i would not meet paco. i like my foreskin. um anyway i am sick. everytime i am sick i bitch about being sick because i hate being sick. i was sent home yesterday from the office because i was sick. i watched really bad day time tv like rachel ray and that woman is annoying if i knew her somehow i would slip some sort of downer into her food but she has such an adundance of energy she probably would not even know. she smiles too much and laughs at stupid shit. then i did nothing. you know, what sick people do except blow snot everywhere and stuff. oh and then i watched more tv and i watch dog the bounty hunter and say what you will but i know tons of people out there who are like YOU WATCH THAT and i am like ya and then they are like YA ME TOOO all sad with themselves but i find it funny and they had this special about how he got arrested regarding the mexico thing where he captured that raptist guy who was the heir to max factor fortune and stuff and i think if he is sent to mexico to face charges i will lose all hope for man kind. not really but that is sorta sad. oh i also was flipping and i used to watch days of our lives when i was in high school with some chick friends and i always thought the lady who plays hope was pretty now she looks like skeletor and i am like ewww. beau is still pretty though. um what else. nothing really because i am sounding really sad from all the crappy tv i watched yesterday. ps i like neo-citron with rye and my mom told me so did my grandpa. and she would say to him DAD you are not to drink alcohol and then neo-citron and he would say NO i am drinking with the neo-citron. hah. just like me. tote loved that man. ::sigh::

poking the random pepper

-so ya last night i had the worst fucking dream ever ever like to the tune of someone was running around killing people with a mask a la scream and then i was confronted with this killer and when i saw the killer i stabbed the fucker in the throat and took the mask off and it was my mom and i cried in my dream like hardcore and she just said can you do it again to end this but do not pull the knife out so hard that sorta hurts and i cried more and she said its okay darling do this for mom and i did and i cried and i cried and i hated myself and when i awoke i was actually crying like almost on the verge of bawling and i never had that where i have woken up super duper super sad and all tears and snot everywhere it was weird and bitch was super concerned and then i could not really sleep properly and i wanted to call my mom and be like I WILL NEVER STAB YOU EVEN IF YOU HAVE KILLED PEOPLE but then at like 5 am she may think my marbles are being lost in the glasses of beer. i have never had a dream put me in a such a weird funk before. i need a drink.
random picture time!

i like this picture because it looks like the father unit is about to poke his fucking eye out but no he did not but it is a cool shot nonetheless.

girl just did NOT stick her hand into my cheeser pleeser bag!!! ps-i love cheeser pleesers when drunk it is like salty cheese styrofoam HEAVEN



btw that is friend meliza and i was offering my sperm to her to create babies. meliza is great.

when you have a boyfriend who is all like LETS PHOTOSHOOT DRUNK STYLE and i am like okay that is a great idea and then i see the pictures afterwards i realize i am a hardcore fag. but FIERCE!

oh and ps. guess who came into crapland last night while i was working my evening shift...

the drummer or whatever from red hot chili peppers and i did not know who he was i was just thinking he looked like someone i would give a blowjob too in the fitting room if he asked me but then this one girl was all freaking out in this quiet OMG OMG OMG way and he was nice to me i was helping him with jeans and he tried them on and he came out and they were neatly folded and he said THEY ARE NOT WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR and walked away he was nice then freaking-out co-worker goes up to him and is like ARENT YOU GONNA MISS THE CONCERT (they were playing at GM place last night and they were staying at the Four Seasons and the mall i work at is right below so he was just pre-show shopping) and he said well its only 7:00 and we go on at 9 so no and she said oh can i have your autograph and he did it politely. i am not a huge peppers fan but dude was cute but OLD looking. does not age well... whatev i was more excited about joanna kerns but i would not give her head in the fitting room.

who i would invite for meatloaf...

-if i were to have a meat loaf party and i could invite anybody dead or alive this is who i think i would invite.
first but not foremost i would invite jesus because i think it would be interesting to see if he would eat my meatloaf but i would be very blunt to him crown of thorns or no and i would be like LISTEN YOU THIS IS NOT THE HOUSE OF GOD SO IF I HEAR AS MUCH AS 1 PREACHYING SOUNDING PEEP FROM YOU...YOU ARE GONE!@#! and done.
i would invite Salvador Dali because well simply he is amazing and i would tell him as he came in LISTEN YOU THIS IS THE HOUSE OF DALI AND YOU CAN DO AND SAY WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT!@#! I LOVE YOU!@#! even if Dali told me that meatloaf should taste like a gelatinous testicle of a rhino hovering over a glistening vagina belonging to estelle getty then i would try my hardest to make a meatloaf of that description for him probably sans the glistening vagina of estelle getty though. i would invite Gala too because he loved her and i thought they were cute and when he met her he fell to the ground laughing because he had no other way of expressing the way he felt about her. cute huh...? i would invite only a couple of bloggers that do not live here but only a couple because i would not want Dali thinking i am too huge of a dork but i would invite elizabeth and raymi. raymi is intriguing and i want her to try my meatloaf and she can bring fil because he is pretty to look at but i would ration his meatloaf if he started talking 3rd person irl and elizabeth is just one of those people that in random emails it is like HELLO WE ARE SIMILAR and i think she is funny and plus i want to steal her dog mitzie oh ya ps elizabeth bring mitzie ... mitzie can have meatloaf too.
i would invite some good authors to tell me stories like tom robbins and john irving. then i would make them write me a novel after having meatloaf and i would tie them up and break their feet with sledghammers if they did not obey hi kathy bates. i would invite kathy but not because i only have so much meatloaf to go around. but i would have enough for maynard james keenan to sing us total awesome songs like leonard cohen covers ACTUALLY i would want him to serenade me with Famous Blue Raincoat and then break into I Want To Break Free by queen. yes i would. my party would rock. i bet jesus would leave first because he would tire of me trying to bite him since his blood is like wine or some shit like that. could you imagine... i wonder if it is like a merlot...?

budha board delaying scrapes

-where has the week and a half gone and i am not too sure but it has flown by and wow. i got a budha board from a friend on the weekend and it is great for bathrooms i am thinking it is like an etch-a-sketch but with water and when the water dries the board is clear again and you can go back to painting rude and graphic images while partaking in bowel movements. fun. ALSO i went to value village on the weekend and i got one of the uncle john bathroom readers and they are great because they have stupid facts that you would not really care about but are SUPER AMAZING when you are confined to the toilet like 13 something thousand of the people who have been abducted by aliens are women. like normally i would be like WHO CARES but while sitting there pondering whether you shoud wipe now or later just in case there is that one that usually waits to last minute before coming then that information is like WOWOWOW I DID NOT KNOW THAT. i think i may include a new segment to my blog now called BOWELEDGEMENT it is the word bowel and knowledge and ment all put together. i am smart today.

-i scraped my hands the other night because i went to a bbq at a friends house and i got there by riding my bike and on the way home i was a little tipsy but i made it all the way from gastown to east van and that is good for semi-drunk bmx'r and right when i get a block away from my place i hit a curb all funny like and landed on my hands. they hurt something bad but i forgot about it and fell asleep. i woke up saturday and i was like I AM NOT FOLDING CLOTHES TODAY and i called crapland and said I AM NOT FOLDING CLOTHES TODAY and did not goto work. so i sat and watch flight 93 on A&E and i started to get all emotional watching it so i went for a smoke and then came back in and continued to watch and continued getting emotional because i was unable to find the remote. when i did i was just in time for celebrity duets which i love for only one reason and that is little richard because that guy should be dead but he is not and he randomly yells SHUT UP like a bad case tourettes. hes is the grandfather of fabulousnesseness not richard simons as some people think and when i say some people i am meaning the fat ones sweating to the oldieeeeesss.

-there have been some great drunken photoshots at my apartment within the last week and when i am not crazy and busy i will post them they are great at least we found them great because we were in them and we were tossed!@!

-i am just wanting to post to be like I AM ALIVE. tada. and melissa i recognize your comment too i just forgot. maybe you should call me huh maybe?

noticed

-i did not notice certain people posted coments from like ages ago and i never saw them so to:

cyn: thank you for not thinking i am icky and i am sorry you are a homophobe but i swear if i met you in real life you would not be because your face would be in a pillow as i ask you to bite on it. hah i kid its just that i JUST saw your comment from way back when when you retracted your icky comment.

jocelyn: i had no idea you read this call me um YA! and if you do not have my number email me

i am drinking at my parents and i love their internet that does not require me hanging half way out my bedroom window and they have made me meat loaf for dinner and fuck you if you are like EWW MEAT LOAF because you have never had my parents meatloaf it is to die for and they pre-made 3 of them for me to take home so i can cook so this is an open invitation to all the meatloaf haters out there if you want to try some meatloaf that will make you absolutely die in disbelief of what meatloaf is then you are welcome to come visit me on meatloaf night.

birthday

-so ya i am now 26 today.
bitch got me some great new shoes. he is a good man because i fucking hate shoe shopping and not only is he a good man he is lucky because i actually like the shoes.
i had a fillet mignon for lunch it was good. steak for take out is good.
i got a 120 gift card to the keg from my co-workers. i smell more fillet mignon in the future. thanks ladies.
then in between i have had to work all crazy like and i am frustrated and ARGHASGHASR type feeling so much so i almost pulled my 30 dollar payless dress shoe off and shoved it in some guys ass because i held the door for him and he walked right through without saying thank you as if i was a fucking door man but all i said was YOURE WELCOME really loud and i guess not only was he arrogant he is deaf because he kept walking all high and mighty. i will see him on the street later i am sure i have that type of luck and i will karate chop him in the fucking throat.
i guess overnight not only did i turn 26 but my level of tolerance towards assholes decreased and my likelyhood of commiting man slaughter increased. gad knows what 27 will have in store.

i am going to drink hard tonight me thinks. i shouldnt because i work tomorrow but at this point i do not care. its my birthday and i will drink if i want tooooo.

regardless thank you to everybody for birthday messages. sweet of you.

ann-e-burf-sir-reeee-day eve

-today is my parents gazillionth anniversay and they are so cute well not gazillionth but up in the 30's or something long like that but the other day my dad had some weird food reaction and his lips swelled really big and as my mom described "you know those tribe people in africa that have those big lip disks dad looked like that but not black and no disk" and she couldnt figure it out and my dad said DONT TRADE ME I WILL BE FIXED SOON and my mom being the cutest fucking thing around said DEAR IF I HAVE NOT TRADED YOU IN AFTER 30 SOMETHING YEARS, 3 KIDS, BANKRUPTCY ETC I AM NOT ABOUT TO TRADE YOU IN NOW!!! oh. good mom. happy anniversary parental people!!! love. they also joke around that they could not even divorce eachother if they wanted to because they can not get their rings off. suckers.

-well if today is my parents anniversary that can only mean one thing and that is meaning tomorrow is my muther fucking birthday. no one ever really cares that much myself included but that is okay. i am cool with that. i just like free stuff like food and alcohol and possibly a gift card to IKEA (ahem mom and dad if you are reading this because i need a bed frame since my mattress sits on the floor and i am convinced that insects crawl up the mattress and hang out with me when i sleep which is GROSS but i know with a bed frame that would not happen and i know you will say then they can crawl up the bed frame to get in your mattress and i know that but i want a bed frame and that is my best reasoning as to why. plus it would look not as ghetto...). so ya. my birthday. i will be 26. jesus. i do not feel old. i did the other day when i saw joanna kerns and no one knew who she was. that was a wake up call that i am not the young one anymore. my boss said i can have anything i want for lunch tomorrow so guess who is having a keg fillet mignon with a twice baked potaTOE tomorrow at around noon oh thats right me. i tried to find a nice appetizing picture of a fillet mignon to show and make you all jealous but all the pictures i came across had no bacon wrapped around it which is CRAZY i do not know if the traditional fillet mignon is supposed to or not but that was how i was introduced to it and i love bacon so i expect nothing else but bacon on my fillet.

ps-tommy the clown accepted my friend request on myspace. i feel so street that i want to krump it clown style yo. you should all watch RIZE

joanna shoulders descent

-on saturday i was working at crapland and JOANNA KERNS was totally shopping at our store and i was like OH MY GOD and i was totally starstruck and the majority of people i was working with did not know who she was and i was like HOW?!?! I GREW UP WITH MRS. SEAVER and i loved her like my mom because she always gave great motherly advise and i like how she was totally tough shit little boy when she wanted to go back to work and ben the youngest sniveling little brat who was jealous of leonardo dicaprios character when they introduced him was all sad that she was not going to be at home all the time because that is what my mom would do and she would throw in NOW QUIT YOUR CRYING YOU LITTLE SHIT and i asked her if she wanted me to start a fitting room for her and said yes and i asked whats your name and said very nicely JOANNA and i wanted to say YOU MEAN MRS. SEAVER RIGHT HUH HUH and nudge her to let her know that i know who she is and her cargo pants are so not throwing me off. she bought a lot of gap tanks and stuff and when she was up at cash the cashier was all crazy and stuff and said 'people on the headset want to know if you know anybody famous' and i was like I CAN NOT BELIEVE YOU JUST ASKED THAT and joanna totally just giggled and said she ran into David Duchovenayenyay (the guy from X-files) in the laundry room at the hotel and he totally made his laundry all blue because of a sock which i sorta call bullshit on the story because a)why the hell are STARS doing their own laundry at a hotel b)WHY ARE THEY DOING THEIR OWN LAUNDRY and c)why would you brag about seeing that guy but then again she might actually hate him and is trying to discredit him in the hollywood by his lack of attention to colors and whites with laundry and all casting people will be like DO NO CAST HIM HE CAN NOT EVEN DO HIS LAUNDRY. you are sneaky joanna. oh and i have no idea where that screen cap is from but joanna is hot as a bunny no? that was so not from a growing pains episode...

-um this is major fag alert cross with what not to wear advice but um to all the really good looking guys who apparenlty can not dress themselves properly allow me to let you in a little secret that the seam on shirt called a SHOULDER SEAM is just that meaning that is to be at your shoulder not half way down your bicep and if it is then that means the shirt is WAY TOO FUCKING BIG AND LOOKS LIKE A BALLOON ON YOU. that is all.

-bitch and i went and saw that movie the descent and it was good if you are into the scary movie that rolls spice girls GIRL POWER, tomb raider, and some random alien like content into one and call it a movie. it had alot of moments that made you jump but by the end i knew when they were coming because you could totally tell by the music and i would close my eyes right at that point so i did not jump in my seat and that way it looked like i was super cool from everybody behind me because they would be like WHOA HE HAS NERVES OF STEEL HE DID NOT JUMP WHEN THAT THING JUST POPPED OUT OF NO WHERE AND ATE THAT CHICKS NECK OFF. mind you i like how the main character took revenge with her adulterous friends with i nice spike thingy into the knee. karmas a bitch eh?...

recaping lips gone down

-this is what happens when fags collide


-everybody wants it

-then everybody gets it back

-then there are some who are angry cause they aint getting anything since the other half is in germany.

-by the end of the night i had troubles staying awake from venue hopping to all the drinking to well all the drinking

-then i fell asleep.

but ya all those were taken from friday night where i rushed home got my hair did and the 40 dollars was so worth the massage by itself, then went home pre-drinked with bitch then went to a restaurant opening for my friends who just bought a restaurant in gas town (the Annex) where i totally saw somebody who i have not seen in ages and we did that whole OH MY GAWD HOW ARE YOU and we started to talk and catch up about wanting to stick matt goods lips on a wall because they are gorgeous and not even for function just for crazy stalker ways of fascination of his amazing lips which we would normally talk about when we were stoned that is why it sounds so stupid and creepy and we laughed alot and we so have plans for the future. um from there went to friend ryans party at his new gorgeous loft apartment that i would literally kill for not an innocent person though but someone crazy guilty of something bad and ya that was fun and some chick went down on me and i on her and it was fun but the pants stayed on but bitch loved the photo ops and then from there we went to the bourbon not like we needed too cause i was getting rough at this point and then i fell asleep at the bourbon and then in the cab and that was that. apparently our neighbors cheered bitch on as he dragged my lifeless body out on to the street from the cab. i love love and it what it makes other do.

chopping the edible sunglasses

-so today is the day that i have been waiting for like almost 2 months and that is today is HAIRDID DAY. i am going to some 'professional' salon all gay stylee to get my hair cut because it is going PUFF... sorta like this:

that is sexy stuff huh so sexy the camera was all like WHOA WE CAN NOT HANDLE THE SEXY'NESS LETS NOT FOCUS so ya and to some that may not be long hair to you but to me, mr-i-have-shaved-my-head-for-the-last-6-years-and-if-not-i-have-gone-to-some-cheap-old-barber-on-gay-street-who-charges-like-10-bucks-to-mow-my-scalp... it is long hair. i will be paying 40 dollars for my hair cut which makes me want to purge disgust but i figure with my quaff i can justify it... i hope. if not i will make the bitch buy me the equivalent in beer.

-other than the fact that i am getting my hair cut for way expensive, today is the worst day of my life because i went grocery shopping the other day and i bought TONS of food so i am not spending 20 bucks a day for lunchs and bagels and coffees at work and i woke up this morning and totally took my time getting ready and left in a hurry and forgot lunch, bagels and brain at home and so now i just spent 3 bucks for a bagel, i will spend 6 bucks on lunch 9 on smokes and i will be like i hate myself. ps... i also lost my most favoritesestetst pair of sunglasses last night but i have to question if they were in fact my most favoritestetstest pair as i just stuck them in my side pocket of my backpack so if they were in fact my most favoritetstesttest i would not have done that would i but i so loved them and it pisses me off knowing some homeless person is looking all cool and blind with my big over bearing black shades.

-but to end this on more of a vain note bitch has been playing with photoshop and i look cute in black and white with a big yellow straw hat and a plant in my face.


-oh and ps. bitch kept harraasssing me to start a myspace page so here you go people... i need friends ... MYSPACE

unwanted nonpainted walls

text reads: i was hoping to see you one more time before everything explodes into that of destruction and desire but i was left empty handed full of parting memories of when our skin last brushed skin and when we last made eye contact with the world of lovely hate so i will concede to watching as you slowly fade from everything i once knew to be as true and innocent so good-bye my friend... goodbye.

these are just more "paintings" that i have somewhat finished but not really and i am fucking drunk but ya the point is i have tons of shit i can not finish because i have this stupid thing about WHEN IS IT DONE but i do not know
edit: i did not like the whole thing there because i am not hard up for cash it was drunk humor but ya...

fishy clinkity gay'ness drinks

-raymi posted this link in my comment section and i think she so did it to be like GO SICK EM FAG and i went and i read what all the shit was about ('gay'ness actually) and it is so funny my favorite was the american who thinks america is not stupid and how the other american thinks gay is a choice. i did not even need to respond to him because he would not read my response as he is probably too busy fucking his sister. but it is quite funny and 'binsk' or whatever is like uber famous in that stupid gay way. mind you someone named orpheus thought raymi and i are funny and he is sooo right. what is weird i had a fish named orpheus once but he died like 3 days later because he only had one fin either that or i forgot to feed him but that is okay because that was when i was realizing i liked cock and to busy examining many strangers with my mouth so i had a good excuse...

i love the picture though. hi orphius!@!#

-last night i woke up in the middle of the night and i heard all these weird sounds coming from what sounded like my kitchen and i was like what the fuck is that and i started to get all nervous and shit thinking someone was in my apartment so i reached for the 12 inch scuba knife i keep by my bed and then i kept listening and it sounded like someone was eating cereal and i was totally cool after that because we have like NO FUCKING FOOD WHATSOEVER IN OUR CUPBOARDS OR FRIDGE so i was like tote must be coming from somewhere else so whatev but bitch if you are reading i am like hinting we need to do grocery shopping when you and i are not working like japenese people okay?! love me.

-i am actually still at my office and i so should have been off like 3 hours ago but i have been too busy cleaning up other peoples messeseses and now i need to do my shit but i have gotten to the point where everything is in the I DONT GIVE A SHIT MODE so i thought i would type. but days like this make me realize why i have such a drinking problem which really is not a problem because i am not like drinking at work or anything just when i am not at work i am drinking which is sort of a problem but not really because i feel good then but when i wake up and go to gap the next day and they are like WHOA CUSTOMERS WILL COMPLAIN YOU SMELL LIKE BEER and i will be like SHUT YOUR MOUTH I GAVE THEM GOOD SERVICE WHILE BREATHING ON THEM and they will be like true and so again not a problem because i work best under hangover status... thank you very much manager lady who hates alcohol!!!

sometimes nipple hair

-i forget sometimes how gay bitch is and then i go to his webpage and i see shit like this!!!
um ya hi... that is why he does that shit when i am not around because he knows he would get gay bashed.

-the internet connection is gone on the corner of the bed. the only place i can get it is when i place the laptop half way out my window resting on my window ledge. actually i should not be saying "..place I get it" as it was bitch who found it. i am waiting to come home to hear how my laptop sorta fell out the window. i give it 2 days.

-so apparently pride was more fun than i remember which i can understand. i remember after the parade we went to some non-gay pub to drink and then friends left to go somewhere leaving two jugs of beer half full so me being the family dog of my friends in terms of beer i took care of the scraps in like 5 minutes and from there it was a blur and i remember going to another pub and i remember waking up at home on my living room floor. the middle parts are blurry. normally that would bother someone.. me it is a fun filter and i am like whatever. i do recollect at one point seeing an old manager of mine from crapland and so sent him an email yesterday:

--

From: Jared
To: Russ
Date: Tuesday, August 8, 2006 11:28 am
Subject: Re: Here...

Dear Mr. XXXX
It was an absolute delight seeing you this weekend. Though my sight was doubled that is not a problem because two of you is always better than one. I can not recollect what we discussed but out of the brief little flashes from the end of the parade to waking up on my living room floor at 1am i do remember seeing you so feel privelaged that you stuck out in my memory cells swimming in pools of over indulgent alcohol. i am aloud it is pride. i do have to say from what i remember you have like NO HAIR?! i was in shock because i do not remember seeing you with such short hair. As i am sure [coworker] will be gleefully willing to tell you i even mentioned to (mind you in a more of a drunk manor as i did speak to her that night later on which i do not remember so already you have one on top of her) to her. anyway i apologize for anything i may have said that could incriminate me, you, anyone i know or anyone i do not know because gawd knows what type of drama a drunk homo can cause!

kiskis hope to see you soon and actually retain the encounter.! -Jared

--

and his reply:

--

From: Russ
To: Jared
Date: Tuesday, August 8, 2006 5:38 pm
Subject: Re: Here...

Jared, My Darling..., you were a Saint and Jesus himself should make you an apostle.It was great to see you as well, and the funny thing is you have WAY MUCH MORE HAIR than I have ever seen you with. Be gentle to the bald men you encounter, what we lack on top, we certainly make up for below if you know what I mean...So when did you want to get together for some drinks? I am going to be away the 18th until the 26th. Now that I stroke wood 8 hours a day and get paid for it my evenings have become very free...Is your number still 604-xxx-xxxx? I am a 604-xxx-xxx.It was good to see you, still as sweet as ever. Is it also safe to say you DO NOT remember our conversation about your Nipples?Talk Soon, Love Russ XOXO

--

um we talked about my nipples?? gawd knows what was said since they are huge pamela 'pre-surgery' anderson nipples and like are huge. but anyway my favorite part of his reply is that jesus should make me an apostle. hah. i am gay russ so are you jesus hates us like mel hates jews my friend. but cute none the less. and he noticed my rats nest of a head of hair and i noticed his lack there of but i was not trying to imply that he was bald but it was shaved and he used to normally have normal length gay hair. if i pick on anyone going bald it is bitch.

can you tell i do not have much to say today.


bitch and i at pride (pre-drink fest) and notice the bruise on my arm that was from bitch... pretty thug of him eh well it did not last long because a nice kidney shot and a throw down to the floor fixed the problem. it was actually sorta hot us fighting so we had sex after.

actually painting the gay dance

-so i did goto the fucking pride parade and i think they must have jacked up the prize money for best float or something because this year there was actually some effort put forth to them because normally they have like a flat bed truck with a bucnh of guys dancing who are still high form the night before in booty shorts with a piece of ribbon but this year there were some actually neat ones. there were two moments that actually made me go that is funny or that was cool. actually. yes. there was one point where this line of fags stood in front of the fire fighter people in the parade and soaked them with their water guns and the fire fighter people turned the hoses on them it was actually funny. then there was this old guy who just kept dancing up on top of the 7-11 and my friend bucci says i should so send it in to 7-11 as marketing but he thinks everything is marketing material. even me for alcoholism. yay me. actually is the word of the day because i was actually surprised at the effort this year. so my rant the other day is still warranted because there were gross fags around but you can not stop that.

-i have been painting and bitch is getting angry because i am just giving them away and i am like this is how you become famous so someone will see the painting somewhere and they will be like WHO PAINTED THAT and they will say THIS AMAZING GUY NAMED JARED AND HE GAVE IT TO ME and then that person questioning the origin of the painting will contact me and be like can i have a painting and i will be like SINCE YOU ASKED FOR YOU IT WILL COST 3000 DOLLARS and they will pay it and there will be scandal and everything. not really but in my mind it works
here is one that i just gave away. yes i like painting personified looking comical looking flowers with engorged appandages.

and this is another one i am giving away.


oh and oh and CLICK HERE to see the dancing guy on 7-11. he is awesome and i see my future in him. or you do not have to click if you can see the embededed version below. i am going to the beach now and drink and watch naked people. oh by the way i have internet connection again at home in my bedroom on the corner of my bed. that is the only place i can get it. thend.

pri-des-hame

-i was going to do a whole long winded post about how i can not tolerate gay pride because it is this weekend and every year when i am like okay maybe i will go check it out and maybe i will surprised but when i say surprised i should type UTTERLY FUCKING ANNOYED at some (not all) of the shit that parades down the street because all they are doing is perpetuating the whole fucking generalization of homo's and the stereotypes they fight all year long to go against saying we are equal to everybody else but i am sorry fag person everybody else does not have a parade to stomp down the street in a faux fur speedo bottom wearing a straw cowboy hat with feather boa wrapped around you as you are waving a dildo in the air. do not get me wrong gays are cool sometimes but i am not into the whole WERE QUEER AND WE ARE HERE and i am like i am too douchebag but i am used to it and when i am unhappy i drink. there done. oh oh oh and do not get me started on how half the people in the parade, watching the parade and running the parade are operating on 0 hours of sleep because they were up all night at the after hours dancing around while 'bumping' k and e and dropping down a couple of vials of g while sipping an alcoholic drink because hey that is the best combination for coma right?? right!! lets do more. oh and while were are over consuming our recreational narcotics lets stick our hands down this young unsuspecting individuals pants because he wont mind because he looks gay and that is what us gay people do. whatever.

i know if you are gay reading this you are like you are an asshole and maybe i am but i have been in the seedy underbelly of the gay nightlife and i am appalled at how the majority of that seedy underbelly is actually during the daylight hours running pride and saying BE PROUD. of what... you you drugged up promisicuous old creepy fag. i do not think so.
i am grateful that i can walk down some streets holding bitches hand and only getting slurred at(as opposed to getting my face kicked in). i am grateful that when i came out my parents did not turn me around and say get out of our lives. i am grateful that i can marry bitch if i ever become crazy enough to do so. i am grateful for certain aspects of being apart of the gay world and there are some very worthy causes and events this weekend. i am not proud of half the gay population out there who just use this weekend as an excuse to do an extra bump of k because they do not have to work on monday.

i mean hey i will probably use it as an excuse to drink an extra 12 pack but at least i eat and get sleep doing what i am doing...

happy fucking pride fags.

hoes in london

-saturday i worked and was totally done with the day. sunday i was to goto homopolooza which was some gay thing for gays and beer which sounded up my alley or something but i did not end up going. all i did sunday was nothing. well not nothing i played grand theft auto all fucking day because i am sad like that. it was disgusting. i did take breaks to paint and drink and watch the marathon of what not to wear because simply i love this bitch...

she is not super attractive or anything and sometimes she says things to people and i am like well that was stupid but i know deep down that she is a dirty kinky bitch. i bet she has fellatio mastered like the best of them and she prolly has the dirtiest mouth around and not to mention she slams back martinis. i know she does. not know as in like fact but know as like i am positive she does type i know. she is my sidekick in my fantasy world. no clinton though... hes just competition. i want to party with her and critique people and she will say SHUT UP or HELLO BONJOOR things which is soo funny because she can not even pronounce it properly but whatever ms. london i aint mad at you.
anyway after my small bouts of what not to wear i would go back to playing grand theft auto and i stole a car from a pimp and i was able to do 'PIMP MODE' where i drove around and picked up girls and dropped them off and sometimes my ladies customers would get rough because they thought MY LADIES gave them crabs. nuh uh not my ladies my ladies are clean y'all so i had to go cap the mutherfucka in da head for getting rough wit m'girlz. all the time m'gurlfren denise keeps callin me while i'm in da middle of gang warz n shit sayin that i dont see her nuff so i have decided i'm gonna drop that bitch cause gurl is high muthafuckin maintence dawg....
...i can see the line of reality and gta becoming blurred... so blurred and i love it.
all of that could have been avoided if my friends did not lose their phones or at least give me that shit ass excuse as to why they never called me sunday to go out as planned. whatever though i prefer my imaginary hoes and cheap beer to tons of fags and pricey beer.