Friday, August 31, 2007

birthday bitch

-thats me. i am the birthday bitch. i am working today which fucking sucks but i am hung over and i have a 'i-dont-give-a-shit-attitude' today because it is my birthday. i am excited for tonight. i have invited some close friends to zawas or zestys whatever to help celebrate and by celebrate i mean for them to buy me drinks because it is my birthday. i am excited for that though because i have never had a birthday party. never. well like with family yes i have but never with friends in the quantity of more than 3 all at one time. i do not have loot bags i hope they do not mind. but i am funny when i am drunk so hopefully that is good enough for them as a loot bag. i plan to take pictures with everyone and you will all be subjected to them soon, why, because it is my birthday.
i love how everybody on facebook know nows it my birthday thanks to facebook and i have had everyone wish me a happy birthday because facebook told them so. thanks facebook.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

scrabbling books for paint

-i know shari does not read this or at least i do not think she does and if you do shari then sorry for ruining this since i may have not given it to you yet but anyway she asked for a platypus painting way back and i finally got down to finish it for her and i like it i do.
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thats waddy the pink pot bellied platylus. welcome.

-um so i was needing something to read awhile back actually before i went to mexico and i bought "i know this much is true" by wally lamb and it was amazing and i just finished it and it was a pick of the oprah book club blah blah blah and whatever oprah can pick good books i guess and tanya lent me another book because i needed a new one and guess what it is another oprah book oh gawd but i am cool and i will read it. it is about people in india and i just started and there are like packed trains and no legged bums and cows sorta what i thought india would be like. oh its called "a fine balance" by rohinton mistry.

-omg i am watching power of 10 and amber from big brother is on and she is crying surprise jesus needs to put cotton swabs in every hole in that womans body i am thinking. dear jesus... i need to ask you a favor...
i also just noticed when amber is talking she looks like a muppet. silly bitch.

-oh and since i finished the platypus for shari i started a new animal painting and i can not tell you what it is not that i actually care but i am trying to do like this SUSPENSEFUL thing
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hmm i wonder what it is is what i know youre thinking and well i will just tell you it is the beginning of a seahorse. or see-whores. hah. i amuse myself way too easily. but it will get better. i promise.

-my birthday is in like 3 days. yep. 27. fuck.

-oooohhhh on facebook they have this application where you can play scrabble. i have been playing scrabble sooooo much with everybody. if you are on my facebook, please challenge me to a game. i love scrabble. i do not know why. i just do. like drinking. drinking and scrabble. fun.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

ads for the needle hotel

-pre-s: i am extremely bored.
-so parents left with my little brother and went down to reno and then heading to vegas and somewhere else i forgot but they left on saturday morning so i went over on friday night and crashed there and slept little and woke up to my mom at 6am wanting to leave and shit and after they left lauren came over and hung out and had coffee and we talked and i made fun of my old neighborhood and we laughed and she wanted to show me this dyslexia ad and apparently it was on tv like a year ago and i never saw it that is for sure and ya. i love it though.

and after we watched that i said what about that one and we clicked it and it was funny too well not at first you are all like WHOA this is intense type thing but the end makes up for it.


i showed bitch and he was like SO. and i questioned our relationship because i almost pissed myself laughing with lauren not that i am laughing AT dyslexia i am merely laughing at the commercials out there promoting dyslexic type people or something.

-then saturday was a complete write off even the evening (sorry) and tanya and amanda came over when bitch was off work and they popped in this movie called tideland. um huh? and what? i left the room and slept. i was too sleep deprived to try and understand that movie because i got lost at the kid cooking up the needle

-then sunday bitch and i went to the river rock hotel and casino and i got to stay there for a night all comp. style because that is what we call perks and then i had monday off and that was fun. shari and dale came and visited us and we gambled and then totally did not understand eachother and what we were doing and then they left and bitch and i went back to the room and played games and then he slept and i went and gambled more and won like 40 bucks and that was nice and then went to sleep the end. nice hotel though.
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by far one of the most comfortable beds ever. ever.
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(there are lots of pictures but they are from bitches camera)

-oh and in a moment of randomness we went to zawas or zestys or whatever on commercial on the way back from eating we found a baby doll strung up in a tree. true story.
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tote creepy eh but sorta cool especially after watching 5 minutes of tideland.

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ps-that is tangos new tank. s/he is fucking stoked. so are we.



Thursday, August 16, 2007

anciently greying gifts

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-last week i almost fell out of my chair well i did at one point but that is not what i am refering too but i was looking for some song okay i wont lie it was some song of justin timberlakes old album justified and while i was looking on soulseek i found a song that i totally used to dance too and own and made my anthem.
JUSTIFIED AND ANCIENT by KLF holy shit what a great song especially with tammy wynette and she is like STAND BY YOUR JAM and i always pictured her standing by a case of jars with jam but i know they are refering to the song as JAM because in the 90's they did that you know. anyway it is a great song. i have always wondered where the fuck MOOMOO LAND was though. and if they are so old and ancient why are they driving an ice cream van? i do not care. sing it tammy. i am listening to it right now at work and i can not hear if the phones ring i guess i will know when my co worker throws post it note pads at me. she does that to get my attention. also i remember when this came out people were like KLF and TAMMY ... TOGETHER? it is like timbaland and celine. insanity.

-i just came back from the bathroom at work and i am all like WTF because i just found this huge patch of grey or white hair well not like a HUGE PATCH but more than 5 strands and i knew i had one or two but now there are more and right before i turn 27 which i think is sorta hot in that i will look more sophisticated type way but still holy shit i feel ancient. hah. totally todays word of the day.
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mind you i know if i were this guy reading this i would be all SHUT THE FUCK UP like when i skinny person says they feel fat and a fat person just glares at them. i think i have talked about that before. is there a scientific word for this other than self absorbed asshole?

-i have a feeling this weekend will be fun. new pictures and new stories. my parents are going away for a road trip to vegas and reno and i am going over to see them tomorrow because they are away for my birthday and i like to believe i am their fave so i am going to go say bye before they leave on saturday morning and by say bye i mean see what they are going to give to me for my birthday.

Monday, August 13, 2007

quiet limes awake

-on friday night bitch and i were like lets stay at home and have a quiet night in and then bitch called tanya and was all come over so she did and we got vodka and we had no mix so we drank vodka and water and lime juice and if you pour enough lime juice in it is amazing in actuality for reals and it was fun
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if you knew us you would realize how this picture is a perfect representation of how we interact. true story. and sorta sad.
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huh?
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and this is proof after several drinks that i lose all standards... HAH chopstix
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i love quiet nights at home.

-saturday was sharis parents 30th anniversary and that was a little rough getting up but it worked eventually and went into surrey and we totally rocked it out and made tons of food and peopole came and ate and we all drank and the end. it was awesome and shari bought the fucking cadillac of bbq's for them it was so nice. and made some mean skewers. i gave them a matching new bbq cooking set to go with. they were happy. i was so pooped by the end of it that i slept on the floor.
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-we have bought an espresso machine for our office and now in the mornings before i do anything i am in need of a quad. latte. it is amazing. and then i talk fast and like run around the office getting stuff done i have not in a while.

Friday, August 10, 2007

probiotic monkey juice

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take a bow frances street

-i have eaten like 4 things of probiotic yogurt and i feel healthy or at least that is what i have led myself to believe that the yogurt and the live bacteria is working magic in my colon or whatever it is supposed to do i am not sure but the packaging totally tells me it is good for me so i am like super man now mind you i had 2 martinis last night and then a beer when i got home and when i woke up this morning i felt incredibly hung over so now i think the probiotic yogurt actually destroyed my alcohol tolerance away while it did its cleaning inside my body and or whatever it does and i am not happy because do you know how long it took me to build that puppy up and all the weird places i have fallen asleep but anyway back to square one here we go or maybe i was just having a bad day yesterdsay. ya i sorta was. we all were werent we.

-i go through phases of creativity i do yes i do and i am not saying it is good creativity but it is like the monkeys are fed speed and i am on overdrive and i want to create stuff and the monkeys have been eating again apparently and i have been like what the fuck but anyway bitch has been sewing these little things
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and then one day i was like i am going to make one to0 just watch and i will make it of you and your fucking hair
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and there you have it that is bitch if he were sewn goods with hair and all and i tell him that i liked his hair when it was short and his response was I HAVE A PLAN JARED I HAVE A PLAN and then swipes it behind his ears all bitch style and i mentioned this to elizabeth last night and she laughed because if you know bitch you can hear him say it.

and then i wanted to paint something so i started
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and this is so circa grade 11 and i think i know where i want to take it so hold your breath people. i am showing all this because you fucking wait i will be famous because oprah told me so well not me directly but she said to all the housewives watching her show and i was watching tv because it was a holdiay in canada on monday and ya she said if you think really hard or some bullshit like that it will manifest and i will manifest fame.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

inking my restless'ness

-i brought a bunch of work home tonight to do and i totally had the shittiest sleep last night and i feel so unmotivated to do it so i guess i have essentially said fuck it but here i am typing but not work related and i am also watching LA Ink because i totally have a huge gay boner for kat like serious boner full of adoration and absolute awe and i do not know why well i do a bit because she is a total amazing artist but if i ever met her i would be a fucking mess and it would not even be funny. i would bring tons of alcohol and at least make her drink with me. good for her for getting her own shop/show.
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whoa her friend pixie has a split tongue. i bet she gives great head. i am a fan.

-so back to my 'shittiest sleep ever' comment last night i went to bed and i have this thing where my legs totally start to be like fuck you we are not sleeping and the only i can describe it is they get this weird charge feeling in them and the only way to get rid of it is to like totally spasm and kick my legs out and needless to say it irritates bitch mind you he tries to be nice about it and asks if he can do anything but i know there is nothing to be done either get really drunk and not notice or for some reason if i goto the couch they sorta calm down i do not know why and ya so they did that last night and i went to the couch and fell asleep after an hour or so and then woke up and could not get back to sleep properly and then i went through my OMG I AM SO THIRSTY thing again and then i tried to sleep and then i had to get up because i had the most thwompy feeling in my bowels and i had to take care of it and it was pure fire and that sucked and then i had to start to get ready for work. gun please.
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i saw a commercial the other day for RLS restless leg syndrome medication i was all like ARE YOU SERIOUS i am not alone and the commercial made me laugh though because the side effects were funny and then the announcer goes "
also tell your doctor if you experience new or increased gambling, sexual, or other intense urges ..."
hah my legs feel great lets go play poker and drink and have orgies. sounds fun to me. wow i did a google on rls and i am so interested now and i do not feel like a freak. i guess i have a condition other than being a drunk and my social narcolepsy. i know my dad has the leg thing too because i talked to him once and he was like YA i have that and mom hates it so i thought he just gave me some fucked up gene or something but i dunno... whoa ya i am now so distracted by rls.

Monday, August 06, 2007

body lake-itch

-it was pride weekend and everybody was all like ARE YOU GOING TO THE PARADE. i just said no because i did not want to go on my yearly tangent on that so ya no i did not go. sorry fags.

-instead i went to cultus lake with shari and dale and bitch though bitch was like sick and whiny most of the time but that is nothing new (HA). and that was fun. and we went swimming at one point and i jumped off the dock and my foot totally slipped out from under me and it was classic and i wish i was one of the people who saw it and laughed because i tried to laugh when it happend but all i got was a mouth full of water. and then i did thoughts like OMG I COULD HAVE TOTALLY HIT MY HEAD AND DIED and then we saw cops on the beach and we were like SHIT because we had a cooler full of beer and stuff and so we tried to swim back and i almost drowned because i was exhausted and i learned the doggy paddle is not the most effective swimming technique. anywayanyway we tried to swim to the beach fast so bitch did not get busted with all this beer that was not his and then we heard tons of sirens and then the cops went running and we were like HUH and then learned this morning some guy died at cultus yesterday. i am glad i went and saw my parents after because i know i would have had thousands of message from my mom wondering if it was me because parents do that you know.
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i also learned yesterday that i have lost any if all healthy shape i had once. thanks beer. you stole my pecs and waistline. whos sticking to water and vodka from now on?
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bitch there is no point i just came out of a cold ass lake... nice try tho.
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then shari need a fag and a boyfriend to help her change. we're there for ya sista!@!

-this is my latest painting but i am not super happy with it because you can see i have nerves of steel meaning i can not paint a straight line if my life depended on it. it is not complete. i think i will add more to make it more pretentious. it was inspired by queen because i kept listening to body language by queen after seeing that awesome dance routine on so you think you can dance. Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket