painted testicular genius

-i have totally caught the painting bug. i feel amazing and very artistic. bitch tried painting on this spare canvas that i had and he was slightly drunk and he was all like I CAN DO THIS and i just smiled and sipped my wine and watched him as the paint ran down the canvas, blotches all over and horrific brush strokes (haha i just said that to sound pretentious and artsy because i really have no idea what horrific brush strokes are but i do know what are horrific brain strokes those are bad my dad had one but he is fine now thank gawd but for awhile he was all fucked up on one side of his body and his one foot would drag around and my mom wanted to tie a mop head to his foot so at least he would not be too useless... hah i love my mother) and he was all WOW THIS IS HARDER THAN IT LOOKS and that gave me more fuel to paint and last night i finished a new one of some stick figure stepping in dog shit. GENIUS! it is very explodingdog inspired but with my own touch of shit. bitch says i should make a series of them all about this one guy walking in the park and BOOM SHIT ON HIS SHOE and we will line the kitchen wall with it but i am not sure people want to walk into a kitchen that has a story of a man and his foot encased in shit but i know i would be like AWESOME SHIT MAN but maybe not my parents but then again my parents vulgarity has gotten worse as i get older i think i am training them well. it surprises me...
ie. my dad the other week or so was asking me about bitch:
- -
me: did you transfer the computer payment into my account?

dad: yes i did son... hows davey boy? (my dad calls him that for some reason)

me: hes fine... still a bitch tho!

dad: have you chained his wallet to his testicles yet?

me: [quiet for a second since my dad just mentioned my boyfriends testicles]...um no i hope i do not have to go that far...

dad: well you should cause can you imagine how much fun it would be to borrow money off him [laughs hysterically]

me: ....um ya....
--

like hey cudos to father for being comfortable enough to talk about me sucking off my boyfriend while borrowing money since i just came out to my parents earlier last year but um weird coming from him.

when i get home tonight i will be sure to download the pictures of my painting so you can see the simplistic genius known as me.

ps- HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAYMI!@#

twitching lunch

-the last couple of days have been interesting and busy in the office because one coworker lady is off this week on vacation and our receptionist has "the flu". so it has been only a couple of us which i like and totally bosslady becomes uber generous and bought us lunch. i love free lunches and we goto this place called Sciue which is some italian bakery and it is pretty good and 'sciue' in italian regional slang means something hawt like fast and hard or good and hard... i just looked it up it means 'good and fast'. that is still hawt. anyway this guy who works there is some italian guy and his name is da-vee-day the italian with chest hair and bling or that is what i call him because he is italian and he always has his shirt slightly open with some very italian chest hair sticking out sorta carressing whatever silver blingy type necklace he has on. he is super nice though. in my mind he wants me but i do not think he is attractive i just think that because it makes me feel good that some italian guy wants to plow me. today i had their minestrone. delicious. bosslady just asked if we want lunch again tomorrow...

-i have this fucking twitch by my upper lip and it has not stopped for like a week or something stupid and medically worrisome but i am cool but it does become irritating at times because i feel like everybody can see my alien twitch and might think i am trying to impersonate elvis or some shit but it is not that case i am probably just coming down with a bad case of park-in-sons.. oh wait is that the one where people twitch and shake and shit..? anyway. the twitch is driving me nuts.

hawaii visual rub in

-these are the three locations that bitch and i will be staying at in hawaii. i am so envious of myself. i can not wait. when we get there i am going to run around the bushes and pretend i am locke from LOST and yell I CAN WALK FIND ME THE HATCH NOW OR I WILL SLICE JACKS THROAT all crazy style and then the resorts will totally black list our agency... it will be fun. i need to start tanning because if i do not then once i get there i will be totally burnt with 5 minutes. so i need to get on that. i just looked at the pictures again. swoooon. the second one is my favorite and that is where we will be staying for the majority of the trip in maui. i love sand....

i do not have much to say these days so i will get trashed in the next couple of days because when ever i do that usually supplies me with some fuel for this ill burning fire i call BLAWG>

salami sleepovers and muses

-so last week i was chatting with raymi who if you are not knowing who that is she is like some blawger genius who is a genuine genius who generally says funny and true things. hah aliteration...
anywayanyway she made a painting and that instigated talking of my paintings and i showed her some pictures of some paintings that i have not finished and i have been stuck on this theme of painting PISSED OFF FLOWERS WITH EXPLOSIVE THOUGHTS and she liked them and then she said DO CATS PLEASE so that got me thinking over the weekend and i did more thinking and then suddenly i am going to change themes to PISSED OFF FELINES WITH EXPLOSIVE THOUGHTS> stroke of genius... so this is my imaginary cheers to raymi and her musing suggestion. she will get a cat painting as a result. eventually because i suck at time lines. it will look like this sorta of...

raymi if you are reading do some further musing and tell me what color you like or what is your favoritest color so when you get it you are not like THIS WHOLE THING SUCKS you will instead say THIS SUCKS BUT AT LEAST HE USED MY FAVORITE COLOR _______!@#!

-i just went to go downstairs to get some lunch because my stomach is not talking it is having a full fledged group conference call down there (hah i made this joke on friday and eastern european coworker did not get it but i thought i was terribly funny so i am going to keep using this line until someone laughs or tells me i am a retard) and then i remembered i have like 200grams of genoa and 150grams of hot genoa at home and i know i will eat that in one sitting and become fat so i am fasting until then. i will just drink coffee in the mean time.

-bitch and i have decided not to go out anymore because we both scoff at spending 15 dollars on a picther of beer when that same money will buy us a 6 pack and we can get looped in the privacy of our home that has very thin walls and then we invite friends over and we have slumber parties where we talk about how trashed we are and peniseses and things like how i woke up at 3am to the smoke alarm going off and found all these friends in my apartment because they like to come over and drink at our apartment. it is fun. then the next day i walk into the living room and open the blinds and make them get up because i want to play xbox games.

stoking the internet wine

-more and more i am wanting internet at home for the longest time i did not want it because then i would become a recluse and not like society or anybody unless it was someone i met online and not to mention i would try and 'hook up' with people out of habit from my old slutty-hey-i-saw-your-profile-on-face-pic-lets-go-for-coffee-but-we-both-know-that-actually-means-lets-go-fuck-somewhere-and-never-talk-to-eachother-again-unless-we-see-eachother-around-somewhere-where-we-will-akwardly-say-hi-how-are-you-and-then-walk-away-thinking-WHATWASITHINKINGWHENISCREWEDHIM which is not good since i am now in a relationship coming up to the 2 year mark and ya. but lately i will be sitting at home bored out of my mind and then my mind thinks of something humorous and i think to myself SELF YOU SO NEED TO BLAWG THAT and then come the morning i have forgotten because either i drank too much wine or because i just forgot since i have the memory retention of a dead fish. so i am thinking i need internet because i am starting to feel like a moron since i can not remember shit.



-watching the news the other day in my state of boredom and i saw this story about how the government here are wanting to start a program where they give out free red wine to hardcore homeless drunk people. i blinked and thought HEY I AM GOING TO BECOME HOMELESS AND HAVE MY VICES JUST HANDED TO ME BECAUSE I AM A SOCIAL FUCK UP BUT HEY I GET FREE RED WINE but then i am too vain to allow my appearances turn to shit just for free red wine, but maybe if i become desperate i will go wipe feces all over me and go out and see if i can get some. bitch saw this story too and solidified why he will never be a politician because his comment on this was WHY DONT THEY JUST SHOOT THEM ALL. bitch is so compasionate.

-have i mentioned that i am going to hawaii soon. i am. and i am fucking stoked on the whole thing. i can not believe i just used the word stoked. hawt. that is all

booting the power out

-my weekend was neh whatev. i fell asleep on friday so i did not get all trashed like for saint patricks day. but on saturday after work i came home and bitch and i went to the beer and wine store and as were entering some kids asked us to boot so i was like whatev because i remember being young and asking people to boot for me and i would always get a 40 pounder of old english because it was cheep until one time i got violently ill and spued out my stomach everywhere at a friends house which was the only time i have ever really gotten sick from drinking and anywayanyway they wanted to 26'rs of smirnoff and i was like whoa you two can drink hardcore but after giving it to them like 10 kids came out of no where and joined them and i was like HOW OLD ARE YOU and they said 15!@#! holy shit eh? i felt guilty after that because i totally picture them getting home all trashed and their parents all angry and ask them WHERE DID YOU GET THIS ALCOHOL and they would be like SOME COOL GUY BOUGHT IT FOR US and they she would totally curse me out if she knew me. so we went back home and drank and he had to work the next day so i got loaded just to spite him and be like HAH. sunday rolled around and i was so out of it and then i went out to return some games that rogers kept calling and asking for so i did that and i started to drink wine left over from the night before i cooked a meat loaf but by the time it was done cooking i was passed out so bitch ate it. he took a video of me when i was starting to pass out and i was all like DOOOOONNNNNTTT like a lil 4 year old and then i smack the camera and i bitch about my finger because i burnt it while cooking on the oven rack. i woke up this morning pretty gross feeling.

-while watching the news this morning, the traffic lady started to giggle while talking about how a car hit a power pole. that made me chuckle and then there was this story about some guy who went to costa rica and fell and broke his jaw and then when he woke up in the hospital his kidney was gone. hah sucker. his jaw is still fucked to boot too

-every song i hear on the radio today i keep thinking it is that feist song and i started singing INSIDE AND OUT or whatever she says and then i realize its not even the song. i did some damage to my brain i think.

irish drunken arm pit ants

-so it st. patricks day and i would not be a true irish person if i did not at least mention the day that is the day to get acceptibly trashed and even more trashed and its on a friday so no having to walk into work the next day and when coworker/bosslady asks whats wrong you are not having to say IT WAS BECAUSE OF MY HERITAGE IM HUNGOVER and then they look at you with such disapproval so none of that. but ya. luck of the irish to you which means GO DRINK YOUR BRAINS OUT AND FUCK AN IRISH PERSON!@#! just do not drink the green beer something about that is not right...

bitch is not irish. he is like croatian and other random shit and i said i would give him some irish cheer. on his face. but then i thought i better wait until i am utterly hammered then give him some irish cheer. on his face. but then i thought i better wait until i am utterly hammered and aggresive with a wife beater on and then punch him in the back of the head while giving him some irish cheer. on his face. how irish is that bitch!@

-last night i had to work at theGAP and i was helping some lady with no voice but she would gasp noises that sounded like jeans and belt and shit and i totally helped her find jeans for her 'man' and she was super specific on LOW RISE but when she said it it sounded like CHLOOOCOCOOOCHSCHUHCH REEEEYYEYSISISYE i was like WHAT and she wrote it and i then repeated it back to her all deaf style OOOOHHH LLOOOOOOWWWWW RRIIIIIISSSSSEEEE and she frowned and i grabbed the jeans from the top shelf and when i did it felt like a million little red army ants biting my arm pits. i was like OW FUCK and she looked at me and i forgot that she just did not speak but she was fine with hearing and so i retracted OW SHUCK and she frowned again and anyway so she bought her shit for her man who i guess has a nice ass and that is why she is so adiment on getting low rise but at the same time his size was like 38x32. um fat much. anyway my armpits kept burning and burning and i cashed out and i went up to manager lady and i was all like LOOK IT BURNS LIKE AN STD ON MY ARM PITS and she frowned and said i could go home early where i just applied a thick layer of aloe and smoked a huge bowl and fell asleep. i woke up this morning and they still burn and i have no idea what it is but whatev i am going to get drunk tonight because i am irish.

drugging the spider shoe

-so remember how i was all like I HATE SHOE SHOPPING... well i do but my hand was forced because it has been raining and the sole of the shoe by the heel is so worn out that it decided to let water visit my dress sock on the way to work which totally sucked. i hate wet socks... like when bitch uses the washroom and decides to piss all over the floor rather than the toilet or takes a shower and half the water ends up on the floor and when he is done i unknowingly step on to his careless water/urine displacement and my sock is suddenly wet. i strongly dislike that. so i was tired of wet socks so i went to payless at lunch time and i was excited because the shoes that i have bought 3 times in a row are still being sold/made so i got a pair of the same dress shoes for like 35 bucks. that is made it okay. but after i left that store i was walking down robson to go back to work since i had done this on my lunch break and i passed by more shoe stores and i am thinking i am becoming UBER HOMO or something because i saw really nice expensive non-dress shoes and i was like OOOOOOHHHHHHOOOOOOOO and i wanted to buy them but then i slapped myself YOU ARE NOT THAT TYPE OF GAY and i walked away. scares me.

-last week when i went out coffee drinking with friend shari we saw this freak...

not sure what the fuck he was doing but while we were drinking coffee and totally catching up on stupid girl gossip like whos fucking who and who is a fucking twit and who is worth fucking, he kept creeping around and like tip toeing around tables and shit and spanish tourist people were laughing and taking pictures and then he walked away. on the way back to the office we saw him again and shari made me take a picture of his gross costume ass. he is walking right in front of the louis vuitton store in that picture and as soon as i took it he ducked into that store. can you imagine the girls faces in louis vuitton as spiderfag walked in. priceless. sometimes i love vancouver and its freaky deakys that walk around because it is entertaining unless it is a crackhead being arrested on hastings street in the morning totally making my ass late for work because everyone needs to stop and watch this 'unique' sight...

-i was thinking about how hawaii is creeping up slowly (59 days) and i was looking at myself i am totally holding on to some winter fat that is needing to be hacked off like now because i am not happy about it but my version of fat is like a fats persons dream but anyway self perception gets the better of me and anyway i have started my super-special-and-not-very-healthy-i-might-as-well-be-barfing-after-every-meal diet and that is the COFFEE DIET. whenever i feel a pang of hunger i drink coffee. totally curbs the appetite and pounds motherfucker. mind you last time i tried this i woke up at 3 in the morning to some massive massive i-think-my-guts-exploded pain at some guys house that i was having sex with at the time and i was taken to the hospital by some cabbie who made me pay a cab fare of 3.50 while i was in tears with my visa and then got shot full of morphine and had some lady nurse stick her finger up my ass saying it may feel uncomfortable while i was thinking this is more enjoyable than that fags house that i just left and totally left the hospital all fucked up on morphine cause they found nothing wrong with me. so who knows maybe by this time next week i will have stories of morphine and anal penetration from female nurses to tell... morphine is so hawt.

asian geek couch

-lately i have taken to falling asleep on the couch because it is so easy to sleep on the couch while watching some lame ass show like the apprentice and last night i started to totally pass out and as long as i have started taking to falling asleep on the couch bitch has decided to channel my fucking mother and sit there and poke and kick me saying GO TO BED IF YOUR GOING TO SLEEP and i feel like snapping and punching him in the face and when he is down whap him in the nose with the remote and yell THIS IS MY FUCKING COUCH NOT YOURS!@# IT WAS GIVEN TO US FROM MY PARENTS BUT ... BUT...IF FOR WHAT EVER REASON THE COUCH NEEDS TO GO TO ONE OF US, IT WOULD BE ME SINCE I AM RELATED BY BLOOD TO THOSE WHO GAVE US THE FUCKING COUCH SO I WILL SLEEP ON THIS GAWD DAMN THING IF I WANT TO but i just grumble and mumble fuck off and i pretend to go to bed and then i dont and i just weasel back to the couch and sleep there because i would rather sleep there then beside bitch after waking me up to tell me to go to bed.

-i am re-re-reading on of my most favoritestest books and i am thinking everyone should read and i can not really tell you why but except for the fact that it is good and it is about freaks like albinos and shit but it is not a true story it is a fictional type story but good nonetheless. it is call Geek Love by Katherine Dunn... tote go read it. and then re-read it.

-when i was little and because my eyelids are all fucked up to the point where they are sorta folded over i actually had people ask me if i was part asian and i would get all ofended and i would lift my middle finger and be like ASSSHOOOO and walk away because i thought i was cool like that but anyway i went out for lunch with shari and i was showing her my camera which i love and she took a picture of me and i tote look asain.

except for the hair which is atroci-eee-ous but that was because i ran out of hair product and i woke up late and i still had some wax in my hair so i just was like whoosh whoosh through and it was the style for the day.

umm i have nothing else to say. except... FIDO YOU WILL GET YOUR FUCKING PAYMENT!!@# LEAVE ME ALONE BITCHES. jesus... when did a 4 day over due account result in phone call from london ontario wanting money...

picture post

-so remember how i was all saying i love my new camera well i love my new camera and to prove it i am going to do a post done by pictures and typity words... and GO
...

so it was the night of the top model premier and bitch and i are getting ready to watch and bitch is bored before the show and takes my camera and please excuse those horrid things in my ear because i had lost one of my tunnels and i need to keep them all stretchy stretchy and those were all i had...bleh

and then takes a picture of himself...
...then we remembered that anika, ameda and lil cutey pie ciema were coming over. which they did

and we set up a drawing blanket area thingy for ciema...the turtle was my touch

then bitch posed with ciema and bitch looks like he is gaining weight in the face. i will dump him if he gets fat. i swear...

and since i did not need my old camera because i hated it and replaced it i gave my old one to anika because on new years she left hers in a cab and lost it so i felt bad and i told her ANIKA THIS CAMERA IS A PIECE OF SHIT THO but she still took it so that is her being happy about the new piece of shit camera

then i played hide and seek with ciema and my camera...

and then i posed with ciema well not pose just took a picture and my mouth makes me look retarded

and then ciema crawled around with the turtle on her back. it was too fucking cute...

then ciema and anike tote danced it up

then bitch got in on the action and was all like STRETCH MOFOS CAUSE WE GONNA ROLL AROUND

and they rolled around

and momma ameda watched and laughed

and then they left and all that picture taking wore me out and i fell asleep... nice position. no wonder i wake up all sore and shit sometimes....
FFW >>
last night i came home from work and i was bored because bitch was already in bed and i am all like ITS ONLY 10:00pm so i drank and took pictures of shit

like burnt popcorn that bitch left on the table

of the crazy ass snow outside...

and more snow type outside pictures

and then another picture of snow and it looks like dandruff

and then i turned the camera on myself and then went to bed.
the end.

picturing facial nothingness

-so out of boredom and absolute need for a new camera because my other one was a complete piece of shit i went out on saturday and i bought a new camera from zellers because i am ghetto like that and also because i can put it on my hbc card and get raped with the 28% interest or something horrific like that but at this point i am not care'ing because i have a new camera and i have been taking picture of nothing really and bitch...






and so that is been my life in the last several days taking pictures loving my new camera and watching top model because it started again and we had ameta and anika and little babydoll ciema over and it was fun and the show was okay and i got mad because i thought they were seriously going to shave all their heads which i was like YES over and then all they did was use those skin cap thingys to make it look like they were bald. i of course took mad pictures of everything last night but i did not download them yet because i had to shower this morning AND shave AND iron AND drink my coffee ANNNNNDDD throw in my morning insults to bitch.

i am all angry like at my facial hair because i am not one of those freak males who shaves in the morning and in the afternoon they are all like OH NO MY FIVE O'CLOCK SHADOW and it boggles my mind that some guys and women i guess have to shave every morning but anyway i had the most perfect schedule for shaving... i would shave on sunday and then come thursday it would be ready for another shave but i would leave it because friday is casual friday and then i leave it for the weekend because i do not give a shit what i look like while working at the gap and then sunday shave again for monday but i had to go out on a friday night not too long ago so i shaved and since then my perfect shaving schedule is completely fucked. so now its like every random day i have to do this shit. i fucking hate shaving.

thats how exciting my life has been....

dead man scractching short

-so last night i worked at crapland for a total of a 3 hour shift which is so not worth my effort but at this point i am not complaining i guess because i need to save for hawaii and i am so excited for that shit it is not even funny. but anyway while i was working i noticed some new tacky ass shorts that i have not seen yet which is probably because they are new but i just do not know how new because i do not work like everyday there (thank gawd) and anyway i saw these shorts and i loved them and i tried them i loved them more and then i bought them and i justified it as i do not want to wear the same tacky camo shorts all 8 days so now i have two pairs of shorts to go back and forth with while i am down there

since i am a short puke they are actually way past my knees than that chicken legs in the picture. but either way i love them.

-yesterday bosslady bought us lunch and i had a muthafuckin 8oz New York sirloin steak for lunch... how do you fuckin vegies like that! it is weird eating steak out of a plastic container though.

-i was supposed to work tomorrow during the day at crapland but i pawned my shift off so i totally can sit at home and drink and play resident evil 4 which i totally beat last week (i have had it since christmas but i just recently started playing it) but after beating the game it unlocked like 3 sub games and i almost shit my pants i was so excited because i was sad that i had beaten it and then CLINK unlocked more... loves it. so i am going to be all lame and do laundry and get drunk playing video games. somewhere in there i am sure i will have to pet and pretend to love bitch but i can do that shit in my sleep! also i love the fact of waking up all HO'd and then bitch has to goto work and i am all like shitty to be you bitch and he is all FUCK YOU and leaves and doesn't even give me a kiss or a tylenol!?!? stupid bitch

lacing the winnings

-i dislike change and i think i have mentioned that before but one thing i actually hate is buying new shoes and you think being a homo that i would be all like OOO SHOE SHOPPING but i am not and i do not know why but i just hate buying new shoes. my dress shoes are like past the point of death but i am like WHATEV I DONT GIVE A SHIT but then bosslady was like EXCOOOSE ME WHAT IS WONG WIT YOUR SHOOLACES and i look down and they are so old they have done this weird inversion inside out thing and all frayed looking and i was like I HATE SHOE SHOPPING and walked out of her office and it made me think that i have had these dress shoes since like last year around the same time. the heels are all worn away on an angle because i guess i am one of those retarded people who walk all fucked up like and so i guess i am needing to bite the bullet and go buy another pair of dress shoes. gawd damint. payless here i come muthafucka!






-the last several weeks i have been feeling all lucky like and i keep buying these gawd damn scratch and win lottery tickets and i think they should name them scratch and sometimes-win because the name of them is soo effing misleading like hey if i scratch this like scapes i win and then you dont win and you are all like SHIT but lately i have been going YESSSSS and i do that whole thing where i pull my arm in all 90's style because i have actually won money. a week and a bit ago i was at home drinking and i felt guilty that i bought a bottle of crown instead of dinner for dave and i so i went to the corner store and bought a lottery ticket to get it off my mind and i actually won 50 bucks. i was like YESSSS and bought more crown. and then last night i was all bored and had the munchies and i went and bought enough candy to make me bitch about being fat for like 3 days and i bought another ticket and won 20 bucks and i was like YESSSS and i always take them to this store on the way to work where is this lil pudgy balding asian lady works and whenever she scans them she makes the blow up doll face and goes OOOOOOOOO and smiles but today she squinted and was all noise-less. i think she thinks i am like the devil or something who has a thing for scratch and sometimes-wins. whatever brings in the cash....

working towards the steps

-so for today and tomorrow i am playing the part of reception-bitch in my office again because our receptionist is off doing something non-work related but apparently medical related and needed 2 days off whatev. it is funny because this is where i started off in this office as reception-bitch(ex-tro-din-air) and then moved to travel bitch. i enjoy being a travel bitch but hello laziness i forgot what this reception thing meant which is like nothing to do and i sit here and all boggled at how much blawging i could do if i were still reception bitch seeing as that my computer is not facing my boss from the front here and i would be able tote ramble anytime i wanted with little waffs of hungover breath and none would be the wiser except for the people i talk to on the phone because they would know my voice and if they hear me all low voiced they would be like ARE YOU HUNG OVER and i would reply HEYYYY LAADDIEESS and then i would get fired. so it is probably better i am not at reception any more but i will enjoy the next two days. ooooo like right now i get to go deliveries of tickets for people who work downtown. i have not done this shit in ages. i heart it. this is where i go walk around and drop off stuff and then shop and sit down at the art gallery and smoke because that is what people who do not work and are cool and stuff do... i stick out though and the non-working smokers know right away i am a working person who is just being lazy smoking on the steps rather than working and then they look at me but i am like WHATEV because at least i do not have to beg people for my smokes oh and have i mentioned i am going to hawaii in 67 days... lets see a non-working person pull that shit off.