establishing an uncertain africa

-so i have established with bitch that is no longer allowed to say I DONT KNOW in our relationship. it boggles my mind how someone can make it through life thinking that that simple phrase is the saviour to all and every difficult question out there.
BITCH WHERE ARE YOUR KEYS?...i dont know
BITCH WHERE IS YOUR WALLET?...i dont know
BITCH WHAT IS THIS ON YOUR JEANS?...i dont know
BITCH WHAT DID YOU JUST DO FIVE MINUTES AGO?...i dont know
BITCH HOW DO YOU MAKE IT THROUGH LIFE?...i dont know

seriously this kid says i dont know more than someone with alzheimers. i explained that i will not hear him say i dont know anymore and he asked what would i do if he did utter it and i said SLIT YOUR MUTHAFUCKIN THROAT and he understood.

i asked him yesterday where he put my keys he used to take the garbage out with and he looked and said I DONT... (at this point my eyes glaze over with fury and hate) QUITE REMEMBER EXACTLY WHERE I PUT THEM BUT I BELIEVE THEY MAY BE IN THE KITCHEN. they were not. they were in his jeans pocket. i give him credit because for a minute there i was sharpening my ever loved meat knife to run along his jugular.

-on the weekend we did not do much. it was good. though had a huge dinner for ameda and anika. we talked about getting banged by 10 guys in a row and how we should not work to achieve that dream but we can try for 3 in a row and then we talked about sending our children to africa to learn stuff rather than have them go to school in surrey and i was like BUT WE DO NOT HAVE KIDS and they were like we would if we got banged by 10 guys in a row and i was like WHY ARE WE REFERING TO SEX AS 'BANGING'...and then they left for some party to get it on with some black men. dave and i stayed up drinking playing video games. next day i went to work for 4 fucking hours on a saturday night but eneded up getting paid more than i what i was expecting so i bought a flat of beer. how cool is that a flat of beer. last time i bought a flat of something was when i went shopping at cosco and bought a shitload of canadian dry. needless to say sunday was a write off but a relaxed one at that. i have pictures somewhere... maybe tomorrow i will load them.

devil'd pussy

-so no go on tranfsering something about no hours blah blah and something about her wanting to 'build an environment that promotes customer service and wardrobing ....' i forget what else she said because i was all too busy trying to figure out what the fuck she meant by that comment and how that relates to me. anyway. i will continue to prode this and i will either make her give in, drive her crazy or stab the bitch.

-last night i was all bored and shit at home and i had a couple of beers and as i was opening the fridge to get another i noticed that we for some unknown reason had an abundance of eggs in our fridge well not really abundance just like 7 which to me is alot since i rarely eat eggs and if i do they are one of two ways. scrambled covered in cheese and bacon or devil'd. i do not even know how to spell that but i love devil'd eggs. my aunt always made them for family functions and i would eat them all within the first 5 minutes of being there and i would feel like paul newman in cool hand luke after the hard boiled egg scene which is just repulsive... anywayanyway so i thought to myself SELF LETS MAKE SOME DEVIL'D EGGS and so i whipped them up. soo good... and i make them all special like. one batch was bacon onion ones and then i made ones with hot hot sause, chili peppers and again soo good. i ate a whole bunch with bitch when he came home and this morning everytime i flatulated it smelled like eggs. it was hawt.

-i love this shit...

transfering bile by bus

-since i am hating metrotown and all the lil underage asian tweens that do not pick up their feet when they walk and wear those i-know-this-is-blatently-a-fake-gucci-fanny-pack-that-i-picked-up-at-the-night-market-but-i-think-it-still-makes-me-look-cool-with-my-blond-long-girly-bangs-and-shaved-head and not that i am hating on them i am just driven crazy seeing these twelve year olds walk around like they are packing heat or even a big penis but we know they do not pack either of those, all they are packing is mommy's credit card but this is starting to become almost sounding racial and i am not trying for it to sound that way and trust me if i saw a white kid looking like that i would make fun of him too. but anywayanyway since i dispise metrotown i am going to pacific centre to see if i can transfer. i tried this before christmas but for whatever reason i got denied so i am going to go ask again and i know manager lady just came back from a long trip so with that knowledge i am going to be all OH HEY I HEAR YOU JUST CAME BACK FROM LONG VACATION WHERE DID YOU GO? HOW WAS THE FOOD? LOOKS LIKE YOU ENJOYED IT? DO YOU WORK OUT? YOU SHOULD! and see if i can transfer.

i also want a transfer because i dispise riding the skytrain at 11 at night. not that i am all scared i just can not stand the people on the train. there was this lady who decided to sit by me one night and her breath was that of reeking vomit. i almost puked in her lap. after one stop i had to get up and move towards the door and it cool because the next stop was mine. well lady-puke-breath got up and stood behind me and breatheded in my direction and her vomit breath was bouncing off the door and coming at me. i turned and walked away to the other door. she stared at me like WHAT DO I SMELL and i felt like saying LADY YOU HAVE THE ABSOLUTE WORST FUCKING BREATH I HAVE SMELT but that might engage in a exchange of words and i could not handle her breath another second. i go to my bus stop. guess who is waiting for the same bus. i walked home...
so ya... pacific centre would be better.

stitching the sunny bourbon

-so last week on friday i was all saying to myself SELF WE ARE GOING TO BE GOOD THIS WEEKEND because whenever i am like i am just going to go out tonight i am waking up somewhere weird with like 36 messages from bitch that range from wanting to know where i am, if i am alright, how he is going to look for me, how the relationship is so over, how he hates me, how he is going home and going to bed and how we will figure out the living situation later since one of us is moving out to saying i love you. phew eh. so i said I WILL BE GOOD so i went to friend ryans to watch some british comedy dvd set he bought but he tricked me and said he actually bought groceries rather than dvds and i was like NEH and watched tv with him then got tired and left and i called bitch and he was hanging out with pam, wendy, and krista who are like friends from crapland at this place called the bourbon. so i went and met them and the jagermeister(sp?) girl was adorable with her lil shot bullet sling case thing and so i kept ordering shots and we got hammered. hah. but we made home totally on our own accord. it has been awhile since i can say that.

-it has been super busy in the office and i sent some many people to costa rica which is crazy ass and a bunch of my friends went down for a wedding and ya. i wish i was in costa rica....

-my heart sank the other day and i almost freaked because i noticed the side of the mall where i go to get all my pants hemmed since rarely i find 28'in seam because i am short like that and ya was closed so i was all thinking WHERE IS STITCH INTERNATIONAL because they are super awesome eastern european women who sew like there is no tomorrow and when you ask for an original hem on your jeans they are like DYA NO PRAWB and i am like DANK KOO and they nod and we engage in talks about communism not really. anywayanyway i found them thankfully my eastern-european-sewing-ladies did not close down just move but i was talking with them and they are pissed because since the mall forced their move (the closed one whole side down of the mall for holt renfrew tio move over too which is just fucking nonesense) it forced a bunch of closures to the stores and fucked over lease agreements and now my ladies have to pay more for their space and they are so hidden away they say they have lost like half their business because of it. fuck that.

if you need your pants or whatever hemmed or sewededed or whatever go to STICH INTERNATIONAL in pacific centre. Enter through the dunsmuir entrance and go towards the esculators by La Senza and Footlocker and then turn left towards Blendz coffee and they are in that little walk way. they are good shit people... and trust me lil short drunken pukes like myself now a good seamstress when we meet one since our wardrobe relies on one...

pictoral interlude - F#@! COLE YOU AINT BLACK

-hi i found these pictures from like december and anyway bitch and i went to some lil gathering of mainly crapland people and we had fun and bitch came up with one of the most popular lines used at work SELF DRINK ONE and it was funny and then some asain guy we work with tried convincing us he was part black and he would not shut up about it so we had to spell it out.

mahalo me

-last couple of days i am not liking life due to personal shit but then again i should be happy because yesterday it is all confirmed that bitch and i are going to hawaii... it is going be like the brady bunch goes to hawaii but instead of a family of incestuous children who whine and stuff it will just be two homos. i am excited though. we will be all leaving in may for about 8 days. 2 days in honolulu, 4 days in kapalua and then 2 days in kihea. i am seriously loving my job for the perks. so palm tress make me smile but right now i am not happy.

-then there was valentines day and i am one of those people that hates the day and i am not all like VALENTINES WAS CREATED BY CARD COMPANIES type of hate i just hate seeing some many googly eyed women walking around with roses and shit blabbing about how wonderful their man is while he is all probably at work having his assistant perform some massive blow job but ya the mushy shit pisses me off and plus bitch and i were not on good terms so friend shari came to the rescue and surprised me with chocolate and we told eachother that we are each others permanent valentines foreverever since we have been like for 10 years already. she rawks.

-you know how everybody who has a digital camera and a computer always take one of those self-taken-picture-using-the-bathroom-mirror shot and i did some realizing i am not cool because i do not have one of them shots. i am usually slow with the uptake so here is my self-taken-picture-using-the-bathroom-mirror shot.



it was actually sorta hard to get it right because i kept taking shots of my crotch and shit and i was like what am i doing whatev... actually i feel a little bit better after some random vanity.

rye touching the VD

-on saturday friend anika decided to get some friends together for a valentines sorta party at a club and she had reserved some booths and stuff and it was fun and after like 6 beers, 2 shots of tequila i met a new favorite person she is in the last picture with me where i am looking all sleepy which is funny because it is not sleepyness just drunkeness and her name is friend scovia and when we met we were trashing the go-go dancers talking trash like pushing them off stage and showing them which direction surrey was in and the she made some comment about hating her drink and i am all WHY and she goes BECAUSE IT MAKES ME SMELL LIKE A MAN and i was all I LOVE THE FACT THAT YOU SMELL LIKE RYE IT IF WE HAD KIDS THEY WOULD DRINK RYE WITH US and she was all YUAYUA 3 YEARS OLD AND A RYE COVERED SOOTHER. she was awesome. i got drunk and went home and told bitch i wanted the bartender and he got all grumpy and shit... whatev.

salami tampon roses

-yesterday i was doing some work and i get a phone call in the office and it was bitch and he was all like is it your lunch yet and i said actually i am just biting my sandwich now and he asked if i wanted to eat it outside with him since he was on his lunch and it was actually nice outside so i had actually made 2 sandwichs for me because i love me them genoa salami sandwiches actually i just love genoa salami and i think it goes back to when i was a little boy my father unit would give me beer and salami which explains so much to me now being the raging drunk that i am and anywayanyway i love genoa oh actually when i housesat for friend skwirl she asked what i wanted for groceries and all i said was genoa and she like bought be 500grams of it and i ate all in one night. i heart salami. anywayanywayanyway met bitch downstairs i gave him my second sandwich and he had something behind his back and it was a rose for no reason just because he is cute and i was all OOOOO THANK YOU BABE but i sorta think i got the shit end of the stick because a rose does not equal genoa well at least not in my world... but its the thought i guess.

-this morning i was on the bus on the way to work and my bus is usually a very busy one at 7:45 in the morning and when i got on i had to stand so i was standing and there was this guy who is always on the bus and is in a wheel chair and he is super nice and anyway he got off and since he got off that meant the fold up seat was available so i thought hey why not sit down so i go to pull the seat down and as i do my bag knocks into some other lady's bag and it was one of those huge leather bags the ladies are all about carrying and it was open and it just toppled over on to the floor. i was all OH SHIT I AM SOO SORRY and she picks up the bag and all this stuff falls out and i instinctivelyely bent down to help her pick her stuff up and then i saw a bunch of tampons and when i am saying a bunch i am like meaning 12 or something crazy and then i got embarrased for her and just said sorry and sat down while she picked up all her tampons because i personally do not care about tampons i am not like one of those males who is all OH MY GAWD WOMEN BLEED FROM THEIR VAGINA THAT IS SO GROSS i am all whatev but i think it would have been embarrasing for her so i took the road of me looking like an asshole rather than embarrass her because if i did help i am all sure and positive i would have said something inappropriate like WHOA HO WITH ALL THESE TAMPONS I AM GUESSING ITS A HEAVY DAY and then she would like cry or hit me or something so i just sat down instead.

pictoral interlude - revisting new years

and then i fell asleep...



there has been a sever delay in getting any photos from new years but i had these on my camera but my batteries died after that night and i have been neglectful to buy the certain batteries my camera likes because it is very particular about what type of batteries i put in it. it does not like the cheap ones from like army and navy no it likes the high end lithium or whatever type ones. anyway we got trashed!@#

urinal preciousness

-you know how there is that show called kids say the fucking stupidest things well i am thinking i am going to start a show called BITCH SAYS SOME STUPID SHIT because he does say stuff sometimes that makes me shake my head and laugh and think silly bitch

example 1:
we were having coffee the other night and i realized that we had run out of coffee cream and i say to him UM WE HAVE NO MORE CREAM and he says THAT IS OKAY I HAVE A BOX OF OVULATIONS and i was all like WHAT DID YOU SAY and he said OVULATIONS... WE CAN DIP THEM INTO THE COFFEE AND IT WILL TASTE GOOD. he then showed me the box of OVATIONS the chocolate stick things.
silly bitch

example 2:
one night i was feeling all rowdy and annoying so i started picking on bitch and i started grabbing and pulling hair from his body and he was getting all pissed and so i said okay i will stop so i pretend to stop and then i grabbed a strand of hair from his head and pulled and he snaps at me I AM STARTING TO GO BALD PLEASE DO NOT PULL THE HAIR ON MY HEAD BECAUSE I PRECIOUSESES THEM ALL. i laughed because he did not even know what was wrong with what he said.
silly bitch

example 3:
on the weekend i was at home and bitch was working and when he came home he showed me this plant that he bought and i was like OOoooOh but it was fake because it was not that pretty of a plant actually it sorta looked like green onions with tiny white flowers at the top and anywayanyway he puts in the living room and as we are watching tv i was all WHAT IS THAT SMELL and i lean over and smell the flowers and i am like THESE THINGS FUCKING SMELL LIKE URINE and he was like WHAT LET ME SEE so he gets up and smells them and he says NO NO NO THEY DO NOT SMELL LIKE URINE THEY SMELL LIKE THOSE TABLETS IN URINALS.... and he was serious on his correction.
silly bitch
either way they smell like something associated with urine. they are outside now....


i can go on but i am thinking i do not need too...

i just do remembering of how good looking he is and it makes everything all better.

talking mushrooms

-so i went shopping with friend shari yesterday and she was telling me how one of her friends ran into this girl we all knew from high school and when we were in high school she would tell us all about raves and we were like YA RIGHT FREAK and then we ended up going to one and loved it but that is what the e does makes you love everything and then she was always like I TOLD YOU BUT I AM TRYING TO GET OUT OF THE SCENE BECAUSE EVERYONE IS DOING IT all ellitest like and we were like YA WHATEV DO YOU HAVE DRUGS and then we all sorta cleaned up and was like what a waste of time and when we looked back the said girl was still in the scene saying she was going to get out and anywayanyway so friend of shari ran into this girl and apparently she is still trying to get out of the scene and she is like pushing 200 lbs which obviously means at least she is drug free because you never see a fat raver on e and anyway during their conversation said girl turned to sharis friend and was all DO YOU KNOW JARED IS GAY and friend was all like YEAH HELLO WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN and she proceeded to talk about me and stuff and girl needs to get out more. ive been running homo rampant for like 3-4 years now comfortably and she is still gossiping about it. hah. stupid cow. it makes me eager for some high school reunion thing and they will all be expecting me to like fly into the auditorium with a rainbow cape and shit but i will dress up like a giant penis instead because there were quite a few slow kids in my class so at least a giant penis might tip them off in the right direction.

observational digested fortitude

-i like to stare at things and observe and i normally laugh to myself which makes me look crazy and i think that coworker lady who sits in front of me thinks that too because i laugh periodically at random moments and i see her head pop up with an eyebrow all raised and i smile and she looks away. its funny... some observations:

-people who get into elevators with their cell phone and they are all HEY JOE YES WE NEED TO CLOSE THIS DEAL NOW AND I KNOW I KNOW ITS FRIDAY BUT WE NEED THIS SEALED... HELLO... JOE.. CAN YOU HEAR ME and then they do grumbling like stupid phone never works and i am just staring at them thinking to myself SELF THAT THERE IS A HUGE MENTAL DOUCHE BAG... i want to say HUGE MENTAL DOUCHE BAG YOU ARE IN AN ELEVATOR AND LAST TIME I CHECKED IT IS CONSTRUCTED OF STEEL WHICH NORMALLY CELLULAR PHONE RECEPTION IS UNABLE TO PENETRATE AND TO TOP IT OFF THE STEEL ELEVATOR IS USUALLY IN THE CENTER OF A BUILDING CONSTRUCTED OF THICK CEMENT WHICH LESSENS THE CHANCE OF THE RECEPTION MAKING IT THROUGH STEEL. but i just smile and laugh. good luck with sealing the deal douche bag. is douche spelt with an 'e' ...

-homeless people and their shoes. i like looking at homeless people seeing what type of shoes they wear. sometimes they are not wearing shoes so they must have really thick foot skin. but sometimes i look and they have shoe laces which impresses me but then i look at the back and it is either cut out or just folded in because they just slammed their foot in. sometimes it is velcro. i did not even know they make size 10 homeless people velcro shoes. but they do. homeless people and velcro shoes make me laugh. sorta like seeing an asain with a cowboy hat. do not know why it is funny but i still laugh.
when i was typing this and i typed velcro it made me all quiver because i did some remembering of when i was little

~~doodoo - enter flashback mode - doodoo~~

when i was in grade 4 or some small number elementary grade i remember my family was not well off so i had these pair of velcro shoes from k-mart or something like that and i did not mind them but i remember going to class and this kid named aaron who was like the 'popular kid' because he was all good in sports and stupider than shit and boasted about how he kicked a soccer ball right into this girls box you know the stuff that makes a grade 4 popular and he saw me with my velcro shoes and they were called 'dyna kids' shoes and he made fun of me at lunch and pushed me down and ripped my shoe off and through it across the field and i got my socks dirty because the field was wet. i went home and cried and said 'i wish i had nike's' but my mom used her famous line SON WISH IN ONE HAND SHIT IN THE OTHER AND TELL ME WHICH FILLS FIRST.. i am still not knowing what that means but i do know kids are fucking assholes.

insomnimail

-sometimes i think i am internet superstar and super famous and everybody hangs on my witty and creative words but then i wake up and realize that i am not famous and that i am not witty i am just some homo in vancouver that nobody likes to comment too but i still type because i need to waste time some how and ya but then sometimes i get smiles on my face because people write me to tell me they read me and like what i type because it makes them laugh.

**
From : EVETTE
Sent : January 26, 2006 2:37:36 PM
To :
Subject : your hilarious blog

I am an incurable insomniac, so I have turned to my computer (recently) for solace. I found your site the other day--you are funny as hell!!!!!!!!! When I cant sleep, I read your old posts. You keep me laughing, because you tell a story like nobody else possibly could! THANK YOU!!!!

Evette

not sure if you even care about what I think,
but I thought I'd let you know anyway!

**
i thought that was sweet of evette to write me in her pain of insomnia which i find funny since she reads a blawg titled tales of the narcoleptic avenger. and please note that i did not alter that email she sent she actually did all that putting of exclamation marks!!!!!! HOLLA i wrote back and told her i care and said thank you words.