templ-ate-my-shit

-so out a moment of boredom i tried to play wit the template with blogger and when it said it would possibly delete customization i did not realize it would wipe out haloscan, and all my links which is like okay my dumb. frusterating as i am trying to install everything back on and in doing so our connection at work stop and goes like mr.bean parking his fucking car.
this is fun...

g[ay]ossipy side trail

-omg lance bass is gay. really i do not fucking care because he is not even really good looking he reminds me of that kid in elementary school who was always funny looking and people made fun of him and his mom would always be like DONT YOU LISTEN TO THEM YOU ARE GORGEOUS and then one day he lost his glasses and people said he looked better without his glasses so then he thinks he IS grogeous but it is like oh no you are not we just said you looked better... sorta what happened to me but i am cute. sorry lance.
but i find it funny how the whole media is like HE'S GAY. so fucking what...
then there are funny people who make me laugh about shit like this:

"If this whole time has been Lance Bass acting like he wasn't gay I can't
even imagine what a gay Lance Bass will be like. He'll make Carson from Queer
Eye look like the straightest guy in the world. Like he goes hunting bear with
his bare hands or something."

see that is funny. or at least i think it is funny. i do feel bad that the guy felt that he forced 'out' by rumors and media well actually no i do not because if you are all being seen running around with this man

who is openly gay and apparently really good and like traveling in competition style then yes you will get pegged off as a fag and once you started hanging out with this man i would have been like FUCK YOU WORLD LOOK WHAT TOPS ME BITCHES (the thought of lance topping him makes me sad...) and parade that shit around. not be all like NO NO I AM NOT GAY HE IS JUST ME FRIEND THAT SHARES CLOTHES WITH ME AND WE LIKE TO VISIT PRIDE STUFF. whatever lance. be gay. and lets stop talking from there because no one really cares _that_ much since the world is waiting to see suri still so they will settle with your gay ass for the time being... but your boyfriend is hot. i am assuming semi blind but hot. cudos.

-on another note... my hair is starting to drive me crazy and i have like 5 paintings i need to finish for my own sanity because i refuse to start more to just leave them lying around and i work at crapland tonight and i will get a cheque for 30 dollars since i worked there for like 2 hours over the last two weeks and i think i am going to rape bitch in his sleep and i will pretend its lance's boyfriend.

touching the hairs

-yesterday i went to doctor man to have my stitches taken out and i have come to the conclusion i like my doctor man not in the 'hey he is super friendly and a nice doctor' but more like in the 'please doctor fondle me when i am not at my most alert state... please doctor...'. he is just cute and i would like to be fondled by a cute doctor man. never had a doctor on my list. politician yes, hair dresser yes, courier yes, tons of twinks in sales yes, graphic designer yes, fitness instructor yes, but never a doctor. one day maybe but he made me stare at his crotch when he took the stitches out well did not make me but when he tilted my head so he could look at the stitches i was face to face (i guess) with his crotch. he sits to the left. or my left at least. so he took the stitches out. bye stitches.

EDIT: actually my bad memory i did have a doctor some doctor of feet long time ago or whatever which is funny since if you know me i can not stand having my feet touched. he was not good so it was only once and that is probably why i do not remember to well and generally stuff with feet i am like EWW no... hah. silly brain memory cells.

so with that done i had visions of cutting my hair but the last couple of days i was styling and it required little work and i looked actually decent with the messy long hair (for me) and i am just realizing how vain i am sounding but this is my land so tough shit. but ya i have decided not to cut it just for the time being... but the moment i am all like AREGHRAHGASGH and throwing stuff that is when i will cut it.

-while in the mirror looking at the hair and decided what should i do i have noticed ... gray hair. sexy huh. my mom pointed it out when we were on the rv trip and i was asking what something was by my ear and she pointed out that i had grays coming in and i was like whatever because i was probably drunk and more focused on what i thought to be like living eggs on my temple but then when i saw the gray hair yesterday i was like I AM A DADDY NOW at 26. so i went outside and showed bitch who was bbq'ing which is like his most favoritest thing to do now and he took a sip of my vodka and tang (we ran out of mix) without asking and i was like DO NOT TOUCH DADDYS DRINK and i felt weird saying that so i am not a daddy but i want salt and peppa hair cause i think that is sexy hot. i am what i used to sleep with...

spelling police... gray?... grey?

isis the ipod

-so i have totally conformed and got myself an ipod and i am so behind everybody i know i know but it was out of guilt because the ladies i work with bought me a new cd discman 2 years ago for my birthday and i did not want to go get an mp3 player/ipod right away and appear ungrateful and shit but now that i have an ipod i am like YOUR DISCMAN SUCKS ASS LADIES in comparison and the only reason i say that is that the ipod has games on it and i can play some game called brick and i love it because it is simple and monotonous. but anywayanyway i got it yesterday and i had a hard time figuring out what i wanted to do once i got home was it 1)play with the new ipod lil cutey patootey nano or play san andreas because i found a cheat that gave you a rocket pack and i was like NANO and so i went to play with it and it was like CHARGE ME BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING DUMBASS and so that made the decision for me and i played san andreas poppin caps in peoples asses from the air beeeyatch. bitch and i also used my new lil bbq for the first time and we used these coals that were 'easylite' and the reason they are easylite is because they are fucking doused in lighter fluid and it stunk real bad and made the hot dogs taste like a zippo. after i digested the poisonous hot dog i fell asleep and when i woke up at 3:00am the first thing i thought of was my ipod and i totally played with it for like an hour and then went back to bed. it has not left my side since.
every where i go i take it with me.
on the way to work
in the elevator
to go get a bagel
to go smoke
the washroom
i will probably use it while raping bitch so there is like a sound track and i will listen to nancy sinatra BANG BANG while doing it too and i will not know the words but i will thrust in time to the BANG BANG part and i will look crazy and bitch will cry.
everything i do will have a soundtrack because i am able to take it anywhere. i love it.
i will be like the non-conventional autistic short irish model stomping it out in random places and the only way to take my ipod away is to pry it from my cold dead hand... bitch says it will ruin my life and i was like it already has. the end.

top itches picturing the past

-so when it was bitchs birthday i was trying to look for this one picture that was taken when we first started going out which in my opinion is THE PICTURE but i could not find it and i resorted to THE PICTURE #2 and i was sad that i could not find THE PICTURE but this morning i did on some random email in my yahoo account from like years ago.

do you not want to punch yourself in the face that is so adorable. i love it. mind you all my friends say i look like i am sleeping which is perfect because i sleep alot so hello it is perfect. but for the record i was not sleeping i was trying to convey the sensual type look or the come fuck me look i get confused on those two.

-the stitches on my head are itchy and i want to scratch but i do have more restraint than that so i do not but i guess when i sleep i have rubbed it because i wake up in the morning and they are hurting and i am like WHAT THE FUCK and i then get all paranoid that bitch is playing with them while i sleep to get back at me for whatever reason but then i am like no he is not that smart to seek revenge while i slumber so i am guessing my nocternal slumbering self has no restraint and goes at them. i hope it does not delay the removal of the sticthes because i need a haircut. in the mornings when i am trying to do my hair it goes PUFF because i have thick hair and it does not go flat so what i have to do is wash it carefully and then i put a hat or toque on and let it sit and that flattens it and i cant really style it because you are unable to style shag carpet people so i am looking forward to next tuesday.

-um hi good for you andrea for winning top model because i knew you would win and not the retarded asian who sounded like she was eating marbles when she talked like last night during the commerical shoot and she said "so how many makeups have you tried" and with her accent and inability to announciate i could have sworn she said "so how many niggaz have you tried" and i lifted my head because i was working on my next masterpeice and was like WHAT THE HELL DID SHE JUST SAY and then she repeated and i was like OHHHH MAKE UP i thought she was all of a sudden street or something RICHMOND STYLEE! but anyway good for andrea and i so know she is going to go home and go to all the people that called her ugly when she was young and be like EAT SHIT FUCKERS WHOS GOT $100,00 NOW!!!?!?! good for her. i would too.

pictoral interlude - folking bitch style

-i could so make tons of jokes about FOLK and FUCK but it is becoming stupid so here are pictures from the folk fest from bitches camera and mostly not even of the folk festival just some pretty pictures of the beach and park and stuff but ya pictures.






-this was the cutest hippie family and the little boy with blond dreads was beatingthe drums and i wanted to steal him because he was adorable and cute hair.



-that is feist but you can not tell but you take my word it is ... she is purty.




-the most amazingestest sunset ever ever

folking sergio

-today is the day that the sergio (named while sipping a brew or two) the cyst will be leaving. i like sergio because it sounds like a big strong name and since this cyst is like a fucking marble i thought it would be appropriate. anywayanyway the paperwork is all done and the budget van will be in around 5:15 to move his possesions and when i say budget van i mean a nice little cut by doctor man and when i say possesions i mean to get the fuck off my scalp. i am excited because i need to cut my hair in the worst way because it is looking like a mop but i have to wait now until the stitches are taken out and i did not have time over the weekend because of the folk fest which is fine so i get to cut my hair all new style next week. i have not had this much hair in forever.. in other related news bitch felt a little lumpy pool by his cheek and so i was like maybe you bit your cheek and he was like I DONT KNOW which he does and ya and it was still there this morning and so he went to a doctor and he has a cyst too... aww. i said i will make t-shirts that say SOUL CYSTA on it and he liked that. i wont actually because that would be retarded.

-the folk festival was fun as usual. feist was delightful. and of course many tons of artists that i have not heard off sorta blew me away and the spoken word was awesome and the weather was perfect for skin burning and ya. i loved it. but then come to think of it i spent more time shopping outside the festival area because there are some pretty fucking cool lil vendor stands and i am thinking next year i will sell some paintings nothing expensive i will be happy if someone is wanting to pay 20 dollars so we will see what happens. several of my friends who always scoffed at me for going to the folk festival came this year and they were all like OH MY GAWD I AM UN ABLE TO UNDERSTAND THAT IT IS THIS GOOD and i was like told ya bitches!
looking forward to next year. bitch totally took some AMAZING pictures and i will steal from him and post soon....

romancing the wind

-one of the girls i work with at the gap who works as a secretary to some lawyer bitch just got a job elsewhere and she wants to celebrate but i said no i can not and she was like
-
From: "Antonija"
To: "jared"
Sent: Friday, July 14, 2006 11:30 AM
Subject: Re: um

oh..good old folk people, i am bit sad you too busy for little old me, no
boob touch then!
-

and then so i was like

-
From: "jared"
To: "Antonija"
Sent: Friday, July 14, 2006 11:35 AM
Subject: Re: um

listen lady i have done the folk fest for like 5 years now and i will not refrain on my duties (i am actually volunteering) for a lil boob action. if i was hard up for boobs i would walk over and grope [co-worker] but that aint happening.heh if that sounded harsh, i meant it to but do not mean the harshness. it was jovial.
tote love ya but as i said i am volunteering and the folk fest is amazing so maybe sometime in the near future well do drinks downtown at some gay place because you know fags we like to stick to where we are comfortable so i guess on second thought i will not goto davie cause davie is like fucking cruise central and i dont need to cruise anybody or be cruised (mind you it is nice for the ego) since i have a bf that puts out on a regular basis and he is cute so i win all around. so maybe havanas on commercial. excellent breakfast!
-

and i then i read it and i was like whoa i am long winded and no wonder my friends do not reply to some of my emails because i get totally side tracked from the main point and i just fucking wont stop typing and i think it is great which is guess is what i do here and it is fun but mainly a time killer the end.

-so i had little money to do something for bitch but i was able to muster up some romantic shit for him because he is a sucker for it where i am sorta the opposite but since it was his birthday i thought hey why not so i told him i had to work at crapland last night which i did but cancelled since i realized it was bitches birthday but i kept telling him i had to and he was bummed and so after work i went and bought some pasta and salad to make and then some red roses and some wine (i was wanting to get him a gift certicate to get a tattoo he is all creaming about but i dont have that much dinero as fido are assholes and i wont get into that) and went home and made the bed all nice and cozy and put the roses with wine and two wine glasses and a note that said happy birthday and with arrows pointing to the nightstand and in there i put in a fresh bottle of lube because we had this warming stuff that he bought and it is not so nice in certain areas and ya so intimacy has been null the last week or so and ya. so when he came home i hid behind the couch and he went into the bedroom and i heard the OOOHHHHHOOOHHHHH sounds and i took the cue to surprise and i did and we drank wine and got trashed after enjoying a delightful meal i cooked because i am fabulous and talented in many ways and we tote did all hot and bothered stylee. i am the best.

another year...

Happy Birthday Bitch!!!
love you more than what you can imagine!@#

pictoral interlude - mad [gay]hatters et plus

-out of a lack of stuff to interestingly talk about i thought i would drag up the last bit of pictures from disneyland. they are late because these were taken from the father units camera so i was over last night and i totally forgot about the gay pictures with the hats. i showed my friend and her response was "leave it to bitch to put on the visor that says 'miss attitude' and a pink cowboy hat..."

-i look fucked in this picture...

-bitch looks gay in this picture

-i dont know how i look in this picture...

-bitch looks like a gay raver in this picture...
*please note the hat reads: MISS ATTITUDE

-on california scream ride and thats mama bear in front of us

-the castle. it was funny last time i went to disneyland and i remember this castle being like HUGE but i guess when you are 9 years old and are three apples high then ya it would seem big but it is really not that big at all.

and that is all of disney. i did not take pictures in vegas as i was too busy getting my drink on and passing out somewhere outside by our RV leaving my little brother to pick up after me and my mom yelling JUST FUCKING LEAVE HIM THERE! hah. oh mom. i will remember that next time you pass out on the hot cement in las vegas.

-um if you are feeling a little stressed... i suggest you go here

begging the cyst

-so like back ages ago i had a cyst and it was not sexy on my scalp and i typed about it and other stuff and apparently i was all weight conscious too
8.16.o1
-update: i am up to 123lbs. i have been hard at work!#-i am at work and work is not work today because there is no work... besides the ringing of the phones but that is simple simple and takes no effort since my phone kung fu is great. so i drink coffee and this makes the situation worse due to it giving me fake energy but nothing to exude it on.-simon (formly known as sammy) the cyst is being evicted today. he was to be evicted the other day but my doctor (the evictor) thought s[imon/ammy] would need more attention so he moved the eviction date. s[imon/ammy] considered himself lucky but tonight he will be lucky no more. hah!@ (s[imon/ammy] is currently squating on my scalp. i did not mind for the first part but he became to comfortable up there and decided to expand his territory without my permission. so i said enough. goodbye.)

so anyway it looks like s[imon/ammy]'s younger bigger cousin decided to move in and he took residence on my scalp and he has been there for like a year or so but he like s[imon/ammy] decided to expand his territory as well in a big way so i go in next monday to have him evicted. i really dislike them and at times in my drunkenesses i am seriously feeling like taking a razor blade and doing it myself but them i am like no i can not because i suck at sowing. so doctor man looked at it yesterday and was like yes we will take him away but when i went in he was all SO WHAT BRINGS YOU IN TODAY and i said DOCTOR MAN I HAVE A NOT SO SEXY BUMP ON MY HEAD AND I THINK IT IS A CYST and i show him and his reaction was WHOA THAT IS HUGE and normally i like it when i hear that and i am all like YEAH YEAH but when he said it about my cyst i was like i am a freak. but ya. i asked why i get them is it in grown hairs or something and he says that i am CYSTY. that is sounding like sexy but in a gross medical way. i am also a CHRONIC CARRIER of strep throat too which means whenever i get sick i can expect to get strep which licks balls because then they do the swab test thingy before they can prescribe shit and i do not like the swab because it is like sucking a real tiny itsy bitsy cock and hitting the back of your throat mind you i would never suck a cock the size of a q-tip. i have standards.

-last night we went out to the cambie to celebrate tanyas birthday and bitch and i were like ONLY TWO JUGS OF BEER but we forgot it was like 8 bucks for a jug and so it turned into 4 plus shots of tequila which is not good and i was like BITCH WE NEEEEED TO GO and he said i will later and so i left in a huff and as i was walking to the bus stop and some homeless bitch asked for money and i said no and she goes ASSHOLE......... so i stop. i turn around. i walk back to the bitch and i lost it. i was telling her that it is not my problem that she is a homeless fuck and she starts up about you dont know what ive been through and i said back to her that life is full of choices and she could have made some better choices to better herself but in a yelling notg so nice way and she started to get nasty and i have never ever ever wanted to hit someone so bad and i know it was just a waste of time but she made me so fucking angry and plus i was buzzed so it was raging through me and i had to just walk away and she was still spouting off and i just had to keep walking and i went back to the pub to get bitch and then we left. i can not stand when homeless people cuss me out because i have no money for them. i have done that like 3 times now and i need to stop because i should not do that. i am starting to get wound up again so the end.

60 tons of italians

-so um ya living on commericial is great because you have like all these different nationalities all combined on one street but thanks to a world cup game i never realized how many italians there are and they are fucking crazy about their soccer or football which makes sense to call because you are footing the ball where as in northamerican football you really are not footing the ball except for a field goal but anyway italians are nutz. bitch and i watched the last bit of the game to watch all the soccer men take their clothes off when whoever won and it was soooooo dissapointing to see NO shirts off... i was like WTF so we were like lets go to commericial and check out the italian men and we went and it was insane and people were happy crazy not LETS DESTROY SHIT crazy so that was nice. some of the soccer enthusiastical men were hot and i saw this one van load of hot italian fans drive and yelled ITALIA to some girls in front of us and the girls went ITALIA back and the guys then told the girls to come over to the van and they did and they so made out and i was like WHAT so i started to yell ITALIA but the light changed and the guys and girls dislodged their faces from eachother and had to seperate leaving me no time for some random stanger italian make out session. fucking bitches. i have tons of pictures it was crazy and i will post them later.

-after the italian madness (which thank you very much continued on till like 3am with cars honking YES YES WE KNOW ITALIA GO TO SLEEP!) i went to randy and bucci's for a bbq and it was good and i found my alcoholic beer of choice from now on its is Molsons Black Label SUPREME... who knew there was beer called SUPREME and i looked at the % and it was a wopping 8%!!! and it was same price for a regular six pack. i mean it does not taste hot or anything but after one you are like WHO CARES. it was good but then i tried to ride my bmx back home and most of the time i will ride it on the rode but at one point the road was really busy and i was all like I DONT LIKE THIS so i went to the sidewalk for a block or so and some guy opend a gate and i heard it but i could not tell where it was coming from and suddenly a huge like fucking horse of a dog (great dane i am thinking cause this thing was HUGE!!!) came right in front of me and i did that face thing like OH NO and swerved and so almost bailed but i didnt and i heard the guy yell sorry but i was still too busy going HOLY SHIT THAT WAS CLOSE to say no worries but that was nice he yelled sorry because most assholes would be like RIDE ON THE STREET which normally i agree but that moment cars were scaring me. bucci is going to start a t-shirt company and i am asking to be a guest designer because i have always wanted to do that too. he said yes. i was like YESSS....!!! will let you know of progress...

-i have sad news. there was a death and it was of our free internet so who ever owned the 'linksys' network that gave us free internet/....fuck you and your network key bitch! now it is back to the unreliable free connection from the 'gaybois'. sigh.

folk ass

-i have had not much to say but i probably have but i may have not had time to do anything about it and when i have i try to log in on the net at home but the connection is not there so i am like whatev and i go and do something else forgetting any possible witty things i might have had to say. not meaning that i have something witty to say now it is just that i am bored and need to do something because i am tired of looking at air fares. so um ya.
last weekend i met up with friend tyler and he is someone i have not seen in ages and it was good to see him but he started in on why i used to drink so much (used to???) and maybe i was unhappy and maybe i should plan for being unhappy in the future and make sure i do not take that route and blah blah and then he proceeds to tell me how he got violently ill at the afterhours the night before due to 'consumption' and puked on people i was like SHUT UP TYLER. anyway we went back to his place because he is this budding comic strip person and he wanted to show me comic strips hes been doing and i made mention about bikes randomly and how i asked bitch for bmx for my birthday and tyler was like I HAVE ONE YOU CAN HAVE so he totally gave me a bmx style bike and the only condition is i give it back to him next summer so he can use it for burning man and i was all TOTE BECAUSE BY THEN I WILL HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY A BETTER ONE THEN THIS and then i followed that with THANK YOU TYLER LOVE. anywayanyway i rode it from his house to my place and that was a good 20 minute bike ride and i have not ridden one in ages and my ass hurt so bad from the seat. it hurt something fierce. but i love the bike.

-next weekend is folk festival time. i love it. i am excited. folk fest is fun. if you live in vancouver i urge you to come check it out and do not have some pre-conceived notions that it is all hippies and songs about flowers and shit because it is not it is somewhere where you can hear the most eclectic music from hip hop to reggae to traditional african to traditional native throat singing which is incredible by the way. i have seen fiest, tegan and sara, bruce cockburn, ani difranco, and tons more of talent. my favorite is always the slam poetry and after i hear all of the poetry i think that i am master poet myself and make mad rhymes yo and i tell myself i will be up on stage next year and then i forget come the monday. but it is always a delightful time.

pictoral interlude - emm eye see deux

-bitch and i found this painting mural thing funny like disney thinks jesus was some diva bitch wearing quite a hawt outfit with a faggot bear as a pet with all these people staring in awe in our disbelief that tyra is actually gawd

-bitch and i infront on a cool ride in california adventure park and the inner vanity smurf in me is like I AM SO FAT LOOKING and if i were like some famous star and some gossip people saw this they would be like BABY BUMP BABY BUMP and i am like no bitches it a BEER BUMP BEER BUMP



-this is a fun ride... makes your stomach come out your throat. hawt.

-this is one of the better rides in disneyland... er not me but the train thing behind me.

-hard to tell but bitch is sporting some mickey ears which was pretty fucking cute but i later used those to kiss ass to the airport lady for first class.

to be continued...